Nick stiffened. He’d lain in bed, thinking the exact same thing. She’d enjoyed his kiss and said she’d wanted to try another today, but he couldn’t allow his guard to lower with her again. He may never get it back up, if he did. He stood and motioned to the door. “You can go. I appreciate your concern, but Lillian is leaving this morning.”
“That’s a bad idea. If you send her to her home people will talk. I meant to discuss that with you yesterday but never got the chance. Since she’s already here, if you want the wedding to appear genuine, and none of the gossips to assume the worst about her, I’d have her stay with you at least a week.”
“A week?” Nick’s pulse jerked. The damned thing was it was excitement, not concern. It should be concern. He’d never be able to resist Lillian if she was in his house for an entire week. “Do you really think the gossip mongers would assume there was something wrong with her?”
Drew stood. “Of course they will. Remember Lord Sothby’s wife?”
Nick recalled her moving out of her husband’s home the day after their marriage. The woman had been shunned from society. It didn’t matter that Lord Sothby was whispered to have gone quite mad and kicked her out after accusing her of trying to kill him. She was the woman and therefore the one who was to blame. Nick gritted his teeth. He’d not considered what it might look like if Lillian left. She had to stay for her sake, at least until enough time passed that people would assume they’d simply tired of each other. He would acquire a lovely townhome for her when the time came for her to depart. They would have to suffer each other, though after last night’s dance and kiss he knew very well being around Lillian was only intolerable because it made him want her that much more. What was he going to do?
“She’ll stay,” he muttered. “She’ll have to. I’ll simply avoid her.”
A wicked gleam appeared in Drew’s eyes. “Good luck with that.”
“Sod off,” Nick growled. “You can go home now.”
“I think I’ll stay and watch you try to ignore your wife.”
“Get the hell out,” Nick growled right as Lillian stepped through his study door.
Her face turned scarlet. “I guess goodbyes are not in order.”
Once Lillian begrudgingly accepted the need to live in his home at least a week, Nick set about avoiding her. He did exceptionally well the entire day but by dinner, he was a tight coil of suppressed needs. When she entered the dining room in a gown of emerald green cut low enough to make a concerned mother cry foul, Nick dropped his fork with a clatter and picked up his wine glass. He downed the contents with one long gulp. “What are you wearing?”
Color blossomed on Lillian’s cheeks and she lowered her gaze. Nick felt like an ass for causing her embarrassment.
She toyed with the rim of her wine glass, her gaze still down. “It seems Madame Marmont has a love for revealing dresses.” Lillian glanced up and the concern in her eyes twisted his gut. She leaned towards him. “I’m sorry. I tried on every dress Beatrice sent here from Madame Marmont and they’re all like this. Some are worse. I could put on one of my old dresses.”
“No.” The word was sharper than he intended. When she flinched in her seat, he winced. “I’m sorry. You’re just so beautiful. It makes it hard.”
“Hard for what?” She licked her upper lip which made it difficult for him to concentrate.
“To resist you. I―” He forced himself to stop talking. Thoughts pounded his skull like a hammer. I want her. I like her. I need her. “I wish to get to know you better,” he blurted.
Her spoon slipped from her fingers and clanked against her plate. “What for?”
What for, indeed. Becoming better acquainted would mean time spent together and maybe the next kiss she wanted to try and then another and then God help him. He yanked on his suffocating neck cloth. “For appearances sake, of course. It wouldn’t do to appear as if I don’t even know my own wife.” Liar. He wasn’t sure of the total truth, but that was definitely not it. “It might be wise if we try to learn things about each other a husband or wife would know. We can approach it as friends.”
“Only as friends?” She licked her lips again.
Was she asking him for that next kiss without actually saying anything? He had a sudden vision of sweeping the dinnerware off the table and laying her naked against the wood to undress her and kiss her from head to toe. Jumping up, he nearly toppled his chair. “I think I’m done with dinner.”
She quirked an eyebrow. “You’re not sure?”
He was positive he no longer wanted food. All he wanted was her. “Quite. Why don’t you join me in the study after you’ve finished. We can talk.” Once he had a moment alone, he would be better. More in control.
A moment was truly all he got. He’d no more than poured himself a drink and sat down when she came strolling into his study looking utterly disarming and charming with her hair arranged so that her long, slender kissable neck was revealed. His pulse pounded in his ears. “Why don’t you sit there?” He pointed to the settee, the farthest seat from him. The better to keep his hands off her.
Without questioning him, she sat. “What would you like to talk about?”
Good question. He needed a safe topic that could in no way make him want her more. “I know a bit about your father but I know nothing of your mother. I assume since you never speak of her that she’s dead.”
A tremulous smile flitted at the corners of her mouth before she sighed. “She is. She left when I was very young and for a long time I didn’t know if she was dead or alive. I used to dream she would come back for me and we would go away together.”
The naked hurt in her eyes twisted his gut. Driven by the need to soothe her, he rose and made his way to her. Once he was seated, he turned to her. “I imagine that’s very painful for you. My mother can be a thorn in my side, but I think I’d rather miss her if she was gone.”
Lillian shrugged. “I try not to pity myself.”
“Are you always so brave?”
“Brave?” She laughed. “No. But when you’ve seen what I’ve seen and lived as I’ve lived, you learn there are things much worse than a mother who abandons you. I’ve seen children beaten black and blue by their mothers. Children starved, sold, belittled and made to cower in fear at the very sight of the one person who was supposed to love them and protect them always.”
A pulsing knot formed in his throat. She was the child she was describing, yet it had been her father who had done many of those things to her. Lillian was brave and kind, and she’d already shown she had a generous heart. Damnation. Talking to her wasn’t supposed to make him want her more. Her goodness drew him to her like a starving man in need of sustenance.
Unable to help himself he held his hands in front of her. “May I touch you?”
She jerked her head in a nod. His sweet Lilly, so warm yet so afraid. He slipped his hands slowly up her arms and cupped her face. “Do you still want to try a kiss again?”
“Yes.” Her voice was a husky whisper.
With gentle care he pressed his lips to her warm soft ones. The kiss was the most provocative he’d ever experienced. He moved his lips over hers then pulled back to trace the soft fullness of her mouth with his tongue. She shuddered underneath his caresses. The desire to protect her and keep her with him forever took hold. As her lips parted for him and he entered her hot, moist mouth something intense flared through him.
He ended the kiss and pressed his cheek to her forehead. They sat for a moment, entwined in each other’s arms and panting. Gathering his will, he gently pushed her away and stood. If he didn’t go now he was going to beg her to stay. The fact that he shouldn’t, that he didn’t deem himself worthy of her was becoming less and less important every moment that he was with her. “It’s late.”
She rose and moved towards the door. Almost out in the hall she glanced at him, all rosy cheeked and sinfully disheveled. “Will I see you tomorrow or do you need to work?”
He should say no. Claiming
to want to be her friend was preposterous. He wanted so much more. He longed to teach her all the things a loving parent would have or would have ensured a tutor or nanny did. “I’ll work early. Meet me at ten in my study.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said with a beaming smile that confirmed his worst fear. Lillian already had a place in his heart. The question was whether he was so selfish he’d give into his desire and try to win her, or whether he could let her walk away as he’d vowed.
On Friday Nick sat outside in the unusual warmth of the winter sun and waited for Lillian to come out. They were to paint today. He’d strategically planned this. They would be too busy painting to touch or even talk. If he could just stay strong today, he had a chance to keep to his vow to never fall in love with his wife.
He turned his face toward the sun and stared at the bright blue sky. The color reminded him of Lillian’s eyes. Then again, everything reminded him of Lillian. He was exhausted from trying to keep her from further capturing his affections. The more he pushed to harden his heart the softer it grew.
Tuesday had been a most enjoyable day cozied up in his library with her and a winter picnic of wine, bread and cheese. They’d sat pressed close on his settee while he tried not to notice how Lillian smelled like lilies and how warm and soft her skin was. Breathing deep had helped.
He’d entertained her with childhood stories and his family’s history while they ate. He smiled, thinking how she’d traced circles over the top of his hand the whole time he talked, though she’d clearly been unaware of the intimate way she touched him. Thank God, she’d not noticed just how much he wanted her.
Wednesday had been a little easier to resist her. They’d toured the portrait gallery, and he’d told Lillian the best kept family secret of how his grandfather won over the duchess to become his bride. Then he’d been called away for business, which probably explained why the day had been less difficult to resist his charming bride.
Thursday had been hell. The day had started with Lillian asking him about Amelia. He’d told her the whole sordid story, and she’d tried to convince him Amelia’s death wasn’t his fault. Then when he’d attempted to teach her how to fence he’d discovered Lillian had a deep aversion to swords. After a bit of coaxing he learned Derwent had sometimes used a sword to slash her clothing from her body. Nick wanted to kill Derwent. Yet Lillian’s admission further proved her bravery and his admiration grew.
When the iron gate to the garden creaked Nick opened his eyes and stood. Lillian strode toward him with her head held high. He struggled to ignore how happy he felt with her near. “Are you ready to paint?”
“I suppose. Please remember, I’ve never painted.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t criticize you.”
After a few basic instructions Lillian picked a simple object and worked for a bit in silence. Unable to resist stealing a glance at her easel, Nick suppressed his laughter. “That’s lovely.”
“Liar.” Amusement filled her voice. She looked up and smiled, the glow of her happiness warming him. Cocking her head, she said, “I hear the amusement in your tone.”
“I vow I’m not laughing at your, um, say…are those flowers or trees?” Paint pelted him on the cheek. Her wicked grin made him chuckle. “You’ll pay for that.” He flipped the edge of his brush. A dollop of green paint landed on her nose. Within minutes they lay in the grass laughing and covered with paint.
Their gazes locked and the truth slammed him in the chest. He wanted to make Lillian fall in love with him because damned if he wasn’t already in love with her. However much he didn’t deserve to be happy after the way he’d used Amelia, he wanted happiness with Lillian. He’d dedicate his life to bringing her joy, if only she would let him.
He prayed he wouldn’t regret what he was about to ask. “Stay with me, Lillian.”
She frowned. “I thought you said you had to work this afternoon.”
Nick sat up and drew her to him. When she didn’t pull away hope filled his chest. “I mean forever.” She tensed in his arms, but he forced himself to continue. Everything hinged on this moment. “I love you.”
Her wary look twisted his insides. He had to make her understand. “I’m sorry. I truly am. I know we had a bargain, but you’ve changed me. Meeting you has changed me. I’m a selfish ass. I want you. Every part of me loves you and I swear I’ll never do anything to hurt you.”
“Oh, Nick.” Tears glistened in her eyes. “Being with you has changed me too. You’re the best man I’ve ever known.”
“Then don’t go.” He didn’t give a damn that he was begging.
When she struggled out of his arms and stood, hollowness filled him.
Tears slid down her cheeks and left tracks in her paint-caked skin. “I think my heart is dead,” she choked out. “I’m scared.”
He surged to his feet and pulled her against his chest. “I’m scared too. Together, we’ll be brave.”
She shoved away while shaking her head. “I can’t think with you near. I need some time.”
He struggled to control his pleased grin. “Take as much time as you need. I won’t bother you at all for the rest of today or all day tomorrow until the evening. I have a surprise for you, so I’ll need to see you at seven.”
Lillian glared. “I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint you, and I hate that. Damn you.” With those words, she turned on her heel and disappeared through the iron gate and into the house.
Nick grinned. It didn’t matter that she was angry. What was really important was that she didn’t want to fail him. It was a small step in the right direction. If she truly had a dead heart as she claimed, she wouldn’t care at all how she made him feel.
Lillian stayed in her room for the rest of the day and night. On Saturday she awoke with every intention of remaining there like the coward she was until she was summoned downstairs, but when the servant came to clear the luncheon tray and made an offhanded comment that his lordship had gone to Town on business Lillian jumped at the chance to escape her room. She was feeling as if she was trapped in a cage, never mind she knew perfectly well it was one of her own making.
She wanted to be happy and in love, but to love Nick and allow him to love her she had to trust him and forget Lord Derwent. How could she do either of those things? True, Nick already had much more of her confidence than she’d meant to give him, but could she take that final step and give him her whole heart?
After dressing, she left her room and wandered Nick’s house. Every servant she encountered smiled and several offered tales of how much they loved Nick and how wonderful he was to them. Lillian bit her lip on a smile as she made her way to the garden. Clearly, the servants knew something was amiss and they were trying to help Nick. That spoke volumes in her mind for his staff to adore him so much they would try to persuade her to see his gallant side. That was not the problem. Every action Nick had taken since the day he met her had shown her his goodness. She didn’t doubt him. It was herself she questioned. Could she make herself whole once more? Did she really want to try? There was safety in going along alone as she had.
Once outside, she made her way to the garden, laughing at the paint still splattered on the grass from their antics yesterday. And an easel was still standing. It was rather odd that the servants hadn’t cleared away the mess, but the closer to the easel she came, she realized by the fresh smell of paint in the crisp, winter air someone had recently painted. It had to have been Nick.
Her heartbeat quickened as she stopped in front of the canvas. A strangled cry of joy escaped her. Trembling, she read Nick’s signature scrawled at the bottom then moved her gaze over her own face he’d painted. It was her, but surely not. This woman was exquisite with high cheekbones, flawless skin, a chin tilted up in determination and eyes glowing with life. She wanted to be as Nick saw her. Strange and disquieting thoughts whispered through her mind growing louder and more comforting with each passing second. She could be that woman. All it would take was a leap of faith.
Nick’s gut clenched as he waited at the foot of the stairs for Lillian to come down. He’d not seen her since yesterday, but she was still here, so that was good. Tonight was his last chance to impress upon her how wonderful their life could be together. This week had shown him it didn’t take long to fall in love. All it took was the right person. His throat ached with the need to tell Lillian he loved her once again. Maybe tonight when they were sitting in his box at the theatre.
All he wanted to do was make her happy, even if, God help him, it meant letting her go. Please, God, let her want to stay.
Footsteps above him drew his attention. Mrs. Prewitt, the new lady’s maid he’d hired for Lillian, and his butler Dickens descended, each wearing matching frowns. Uneasiness made Nick stiffen. “Is Lady Edgeworth still dressing?”
Mrs. Prewitt shook her head and came to stand in front of him. Her right eye twitched as she extended an envelope to him. He glanced at the envelope, noting the elegant way his name swirled across the paper. Lillian. A cold knot formed in his stomach. He took the paper even as he asked, “Where is Lady Edgeworth?”
Mrs. Prewitt pressed a hand against her chest, as if to contain herself. “I don’t know, my lord. I went to help her dress several hours ago, and she declined my assistance.”
“And?” Nick tried not to roar the question at his distraught servant.
Mrs. Prewitt wrung her hands, her gaze darting to the letter he held. “When I went to get her just now that letter was on her bed.” He glanced at the envelope, afraid to open it and learn she’d left him. What if this was a goodbye letter? Damn her. He loved her, and he didn’t believe for a minute she didn’t love him too. She was afraid, that was all. He wouldn’t let her live the rest of her life in fear. He ripped open the letter and scanned the writing.
I can’t go forward with my future until I put the ghost in my past to rest. Please
Season For Surrender (A Danby Family Novella Book 2) Page 7
