Natalie gave a wry grin. “When you see the carpet, you’ll know. If you thought it was dirty last year …”
“Uh-oh, has someone been spilling drinks on the floor?” She gave Alex a mock glare.
“I didn’t mean to,” Alex said.
Hanna laughed and picked up Taylor for a hug.
After lunch Natalie put Taylor down for his nap, and she moved furniture around while Hanna cleaned the downstairs carpet. When Hanna stopped for a break, Natalie took over for a while. Before long, the entire downstairs carpeting was damp but clean.
Natalie sent Alex to the backyard to play while she and Hanna sat down at the bar for a cup of coffee.
“So, how are you and Keith doing? Have you had another counseling session?”
Natalie stirred the creamer into her coffee and laid the spoon on the bar. “I don’t know, Hanna. I had a session this week, but Keith didn’t come. And when he’s here, it’s like he’s not even my husband.”
“Do you think he’s still seeing her?”
“He sees her every day. How can he help it when she works with him?” She picked up her mug with trembling fingers and took a sip. “He’s still getting home late, so I’m pretty sure he’s spending time with her outside of work.” She blinked back tears. “And he’s not interested in me sexually; he hasn’t been for a long time. I should’ve seen it coming.”
“I’m so sorry, Nat.” She squeezed her sister’s hand.
“I sit on the couch watching cars turn onto our street, watching their headlights approach and pass our drive, wishing it would be him.”
Hanna glanced out the window to see Alex pushing another boy on the swing.
“In my last appointment with our counselor, he asked me if I could tolerate Keith seeing her while he’s living here.”
Hanna watched her sister struggle to keep control, and it broke her heart. She reached over and embraced her in a sideways hug.
“I won’t. I can’t tolerate that. I can’t stand knowing he’s with her, knowing what they’re doing.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Jim said I need to tell him how I feel. That I need him to stop seeing her if we’re going to try and work things out.” She got up for a tissue and returned, dabbing at the corner of her eyes.
“What do you think he’ll say?”
“I’m afraid to guess. But he left before, after I confronted him about the affair.”
Hanna couldn’t say it, but she thought Keith would leave, too, if Natalie gave him an ultimatum. But he couldn’t have them both. It was tearing Nat apart.
“You know, you see it on TV all the time—people having affairs. Especially on the soap operas, even the one I watched. But it’s nothing to make light of—it hurts so much.” Her face crumpled, and she sobbed into her hands.
Hanna held her for a moment, wishing she could do something more.
Her sister straightened in her seat and wiped the tears off her face. “You’d think I’d be out of tears by now.”
Alex came in and asked if he and his friend could have a Popsicle, so Nat took two from the freezer and gave them to the boys, who sat on the patio with them.
Natalie returned to the barstool. “Okay, enough about my dreary life. How are things progressing with Micah?”
The memory of the kiss they’d shared by the campfire ignited a flame in her heart once again. She’d relived the moment repeatedly and never grew tired of it.
“What’s this? Do I see a blush on those cheeks?”
Hanna smiled. “You know I went on his climb earlier this week … Well, the first night, after everyone went to bed, he kissed me.”
Natalie’s lips parted in a smile. “That is progress. Tell me more.”
“The kiss itself was …well … indescribable. I’ve never felt such fire, such passion. It was overwhelming.” Her stomach lurched as it always did when she remembered the moments following the kiss. She told Nat how Micah had regretted kissing her. “He told me he’d been with a lot of women before he became a Christian, and you know how little experience I have. I don’t think I measured up.”
A smirk curled her sister’s lips, matching the teasing light in her eyes. “That’s not what it sounds like to me.”
“What do you mean?” If she’d interpreted Micah’s reaction wrongly—and she hoped she had—she wanted to know about it.
“You said Micah wants to remain single, right?”
“Yeah…and I also have reason to believe you were right about his being afraid of having a relationship.”
“Then it makes even more sense.”
“Explain.”
“Okay, imagine that he’s attracted to you. You and he have to be around each other a lot. He’s fighting it because he doesn’t want a relationship. But, when he’s stuck with you all day on the trip—”
“Thanks a lot.”
“Hey, I’m trying to look at this from Micah’s point of view. So, he’s stuck with you on this trip, he can’t keep his eyes off you, and I’m sure you weren’t exactly trying to avoid him.”
“Actually, I spent most of my time talking to a couple of guys on the trip. They were—”
“Young and cute?”
“Natalie. I was going to say they were outgoing and we had a lot in common.”
“And they were young and cute?” Natalie said.
“All right, they were.”
“Aha!”
“Aha?” Hanna echoed.
“He was jealous. Micah was not only around you nonstop, but he had to see two handsome guys paying you lots of attention.”
It had occurred to Hanna before, especially with the way he’d reacted to Dave, but she thought it was just wishful thinking. “Do you really think so?”
“It makes perfect sense. He was feeling attracted and trying to deny it. Add to that he was jealous, and he finally gave in to his feelings and kissed you.” Natalie sat back on the barstool and crossed her arms over her chest.
Hanna thought through Micah’s behavior over the past few weeks. Is that why he’d pulled away from their initial friendship? Had he been attracted to her even then and distanced himself trying to stall his developing feelings?
“I can see I’ve given you something to think about. Why would he have kissed you if he wasn’t attracted to you?” Natalie’s delighted grin leaked confidence.
“I hope you’re right.”
“I’m sure of it. Why would God put him on your heart if Micah wasn’t interested? God’s probably dealing with Micah, too, but maybe he’s too stubborn to give in.”
It did make sense. That would explain his behavior, the way he’d said he regretted the kiss, the way he’s distanced himself from her since then. “But now what do I do? If he’s determined to fight it, how do I change his mind?”
“Hmmm. I’ll have to think about that one.”
Taylor let out a squeal from his crib, and Natalie went to get him.
Hanna’s spirits were buoyed. Sometime through all of this, feelings for Micah had taken root in her heart. And if what Natalie said was true, there was hope after all. Eventually he’d have to give in, especially if God was in it. She smiled as she picked up her mug and rinsed it out in the sink.
After Natalie tucked in the boys, she went downstairs to pick up the day’s mess. Amazing how many things got out of place during the course of a day. She loaded the dinner dishes in the dishwasher, letting her mind wander to the evening ahead.
She would confront him tonight, she’d decided. If he was in a decent mood. She’d even fixed a roast with carrots and potatoes to warm for him when he got home. He always said he was too busy to eat at work.
Her hands trembled as she touched up her makeup. The mirror of the compact showed tiny lines around eyes that had lost their sparkle. She applied fresh lipstick and tucked in the blouse she’d worn all day. Frowning at the lasagna stain, she went to her closet and selected a clean one in a flattering shade of lavender. Next, she twisted her hair up in a qu
ick French knot.
The garage door sounded its warning, and her heart accelerated automatically. What would happen tonight? Would it be the seed of renewal for their marriage or the kernel of death? That familiar ache started in the pit of her stomach and spread to every limb. She was tired of hurting. Please, God, let this work out. Give me the words.
She didn’t even have the words for a prayer, much less for the confrontation that was about to happen. Where had God been these last weeks? He was supposed to carry her through times such as these, wasn’t He? Why couldn’t she feel His comfort?
She met Keith at the door and surprised him with a kiss on the cheek. “Hi.”
“Something smells good.” He slipped past her.
She tried not to be disheartened by the way he ignored her gesture. “I made a roast. You haven’t eaten, have you?”
“No.” He emptied his pockets and loosened his tie while she warmed his food.
“How was your day?” she asked, once he was seated at the table shoveling food in his mouth. The normalcy of her words were canceled by the quivering note of her voice.
“Fine.”
“How are things going at the bank?”
He looked at her curiously. “All right.”
How did she start? How did she say what she needed to say? What had the counselor said? Start with an “I” statement. She sorted through a dozen possible starters, rejecting each one as threatening or pathetic.
Fear coiled in her heart. Was this his last dinner here? Would he refuse to give up the other woman?
“What?” His defensive tone caught her attention.
She’d been staring at him, head propped on hand. “Just thinking.” She got up to pour him a glass of milk and set it by his plate.
Seating herself across from him again, she steeled herself to say the words. “In my counseling session with Jim this week, I said something to him that he felt I needed to say to you.”
He glanced at her between bites.
“I was telling him how I didn’t know if you were still seeing Lindsey.” She forced herself to say the name without the bitterness she felt. “He asked how I felt about that. And, of course, I told him I didn’t want you to see her, that we didn’t stand a chance of working things out if you continued to see her.” She waited for an answer.
He took his time, swallowing a gulp of milk and sopping his next bite of beef in the dark gravy. “Of course, I see her. She works at the bank.”
Natalie clenched her teeth. He knew what she meant; he was avoiding answering. Which told her all she needed to know.
He narrowed his gaze. “I’m not going to fire her.”
She fixed her eyes on the teal tablecloth. Was she supposed to trust him to work with this woman every day? How could he expect that of her? She remembered a line Jim liked to use and decided it was the perfect one for now. “Let’s deal with one thing at a time. Are you seeing her outside of work?” Her nerves gelled in a cold lump of fear. She tried to read his eyes. He was defensive and getting angry—she could tell by the way he stabbed at the meat.
After an uncomfortable, agonizing pause, he set his fork on the plate and leaned back in his chair. “I won’t stop seeing her, Nat.”
Her heart skipped a beat, and her stomach clenched in anticipation of worse news.
“I guess it’s time I shoot straight with you.” His eyes darted across the room, studying the floral print on the wall as if it held all of life’s secrets. “I’m in love with her.”
Nothing had prepared her for those words. Nothing could have. A rush of feelings assaulted her: terror, hurt, rage. Her senses couldn’t assimilate it all. But she felt every emotion on a level she’d never experienced. Tears formed and coursed down her face but did little to assuage the pain. She could cry rivers, and it wouldn’t even begin to rid her body of the ache his words induced.
How could you do this? What’s going to happen to us? Why didn’t you tell me? Questions jammed in her mind, a hopeless jumble of words she couldn’t articulate.
As she stared at him through a film of tears, terror seized her heart. Her limbs felt weak, and she was grateful for the chair supporting her weight. “We can still work it out. Go with me for counseling. We can put our marriage back together.” She hated the pleading note in her voice.
He took his plate to the sink, a rarity. He was only trying to avoid her.
“It’s too late,” he said.
“Lots of marriages go through this kind of thing. We can fix it if we try!”
“It’s beyond that, Nat.” He turned to face her, his hands on the sink ledge behind him. “I don’t care enough to fix it. I’ve lost the desire to try.”
Sobs worked their way up into her throat, but she choked them back. She blinked furiously trying to clear her vision, wanting to see his eyes when he answered the next question. “What about me? I love you, Keith. I know I’ve neglected some of your needs—I see that now—but I’m working on it! I can make you happy again.” Her fingers frantically twisted the corner of the tablecloth.
She watched him. Watched his eyes as they softened. Watched his hands as they tucked themselves away in his pockets.
“I don’t love you anymore, Nat.”
The words slipped off his tongue and pierced her heart. The pain of it sucked her breath from her lungs. Her body was immobilized, but the agony of his words wrenched the deepest part of her. Oh, God! Oh, God, help me! Her heart cried out, but no words would form on her lips.
She released the sobs that surged to the surface. Her body shook with them. Why? Why, God? What did I ever do? Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Lost in her own misery, she didn’t hear Keith approach but felt the touch on her shoulder.
“I’m sorry, Nat.” he said. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, it just—” The words ended in an invisible shrug.
He’s sorry? He’s sorry? Rage tore through her like a violent whirlwind. She knocked his hand away and jerked around in her chair, standing with trembling knees. “How long have you known?” she shrieked.
His eyes widened.
How long?” she asked again, when he paused a second too long.
“I—I wasn’t sure until just this week.”
“Why did you ever come home again? Look what you’re doing to us! To the boys! How am I supposed to explain this?”
“I can’t help how I feel.”
Her hand whipped through the air and connected with his cheek. “Neither can I.”
A red, mottled flush climbed his neck.
She saw the red marks her fingers had left and knew she should feel remorse. But she felt only rage. The blow did nothing to diminish the fury bubbling in her gut. “How dare you! How dare you cheat on me? How many nights have you been with her while I waited for you to come home?” The poison of anger possessed her body, and her fists struck out at his chest. “How many?” She cursed him, calling him names that had never crossed her lips as the flood of tears poured down her face. Her hair came loose and flew wildly around her face, sticking to the wetness of her cheeks.
He grabbed her wrists. “Stop it, Nat!”
She pulled and twisted futilely, trying to loosen her hands from his grasp. He held them tight. “Stop it!”
Suddenly the fury drained from her body, taking her strength from her. Her legs went limp, and she sagged toward the ground.
Keith caught her around the waist. He pivoted into the chair, supporting her weight under her arms, but she sank lifelessly to the carpet. Blessed numbness flowed through her, making her dizzy. She steadied herself with a hand on the chair. Keith’s knees jutted out inches from her face.
Hadn’t he been sitting just as she was when he proposed to her? Oh, God! The emotions came back, this time anguish so powerful that her breaths came in quick rasps. Her lungs pulled in a rush of oxygen, and she forced it out, then drew in another breath. It hurt. Even breathing hurt. She closed her eyes, turning inward. She didn’t want to look at him. She’d lost him, and he loved someo
ne else.
Once again sobs raked across the achy lump in her throat. Her torso sagged as the floor dragged her downward. But Keith pulled her shoulders toward him. Her face fell against his leg. Waves of grief assaulted her, wrenching painful sobs from her body, as she lay with her head against the very one who’d betrayed her.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Micah stuffed his Recovery Journal in his knapsack and straddled his cycle, shoving the helmet on. He’d had trouble keeping his mind on the meeting tonight. Instead it was filled with Hanna. Hanna sitting across the campfire, Hanna with tears shimmering on her lashes, Hanna melting into his embrace.
Hanna ignoring him for the past three days.
That’s what was bothering him the most. And the one thing he should be satisfied with. He turned the key and took off with a satisfactory squeal of tires. She’d spared him all but necessary conversation on the remainder of the climb, and today, his day off, she’d disappeared before lunch and hadn’t returned when he’d left.
Micah dismissed the fact that he’d planned to disappear himself. His plan to remain detached was not working out. Sure, they were avoiding one another, but it seemed to be bothering him more than her. Everything would’ve been fine, if only he hadn’t kissed her.
Ah, just the thought of it sent a pleasurable sensation coursing through his gut. He’d been angry that night at the way she’d spent time with Dave and Jeff. Frustrated that she was so innocent she didn’t even see it for the come-on it was. And, he admitted to himself, jealous.
He’d never felt so jealous, and they weren’t even dating. What right did he have to be so possessive? He was the one who refused to start a relationship. Who was he kidding? The relationship had already started. The feelings were there, feelings he’d wanted to avoid at all costs. Lord, You know I wanted to avoid all this. Why is this happening, and how can I get it to stop?
And it had to stop. Not only was a relationship wrong for him, but it would be wrong for Hanna too. He was wrong for Hanna. He’d been surprised at her reaction when he’d told her about his past, about all the women he’d been with. Instead of the disgust he’d expected, there’d been hurt. Her eyes had widened and teared, and her lips had trembled.
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