TANK GIRL - ’RILLIANT!
BOOGA - ’TASTIC!
PANEL THREE
MR. GERBILS standing on the ridge of a hill in a manly pose, looking through a pair of binoculars.
MR. GERBILS- HA! THAT’S YOUR GAME THEN, IS IT? EATING DAIRY PRODUCTS ON COMPANY TIME. AND USING COMPANY MONEY TO BUY THEM!
PANEL FOUR
Close on MR. GERBILS, lowering his binoculars and smiling evilly.
MR. GERBILS- WELL, WE WILL HAVE TO SEE ABOUT THAT. I’M NOT A MEAN MAN BY NATURE, BUT IF YOU’RE GONNA PUSH ME TOO FAR, THEN YOU’LL BE MEETING THE NASTY SIDE OF MR. GERBILS!
PANEL FIVE
TANK GIRL and BOOGA, looking pretty skinny, sat on a bench by the side of a golf hole, depressed and forlorn. Booga has a fistful of grass and Tank Girl has a long stem sticking out of her mouth.
CAPTION - THE ONLY TROUBLE WAS, WE’D SPUNKED ALL OF OUR FOOD VOUCHERS IN THE SPACE OF TWO WEEKS, AND WE HAD TO SPEND THE NEXT MONTH LIVING ON NOTHING BUT GRASS.
PANEL SIX
In the manager’s office, MR. GERBILS sits smugly in his swivel seat behind his desk. A gaunt TANK GIRL stands before him, hands open in a begging fashion.
CAPTION - WE WENT TO THE MANAGER AND PLEADED OUR CASE, BUT HE JUST LAUGHED IN OUR FACES. HE SEEMED TO BE ALMOST RELISHING OUR SUFFERING.
TANK GIRL - BUT... PLEASE...
MR.GERBILS - NOPE. NOTHING HERE FOR YOU. YOU SPENT ’EM, YOU GOTTA LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES. I DID WARN YOU NOT TO DO IT, BUT OH NO, YOU WOULDN’T LISTEN...
PAGE FOUR
PANEL ONE
Close on MR. GERBILS, deranged with power.
MR. GERBILS- ...AND NOW YOU’VE REDUCED YOURSELVES TO NOTHING MORE THAN BEGGARS.
MR. GERBILS
(linked) - I AM MR. GERBILS. AND I HAVE THE POWER NOW. I CONTROL YOU AND YOUR EVERY ACTION!
MR. GERBILS
(linked, small) - BECAUSE YOU SPENT ALL OF YOUR LUNCH VOUCHERS ON ICE CREAM.
PANEL TWO
TANK GIRL standing miserably by a lawn sprinkler, whilst it soaks her through to her skin.
CAPTION - FROM THEN ON, GERBILS KEPT US APART; I WOULD BE ON GRASS WATERING DUTY, WHILE BOOGA WOULD BE ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TEE, RE-DRILLING GOLF HOLES.
PANEL THREE
BOOGA watches from the fairway as an ice cream truck drives past.
CAPTION - SOMETIMES I WOULD CATCH SIGHT OF AN ICE CREAM VAN. I WOULD WONDER IF HE WAS WATCHING TOO; PERHAPS HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ME AND ALL OF THE ICE CREAMS WE HAD ENJOYED TOGETHER.
PANEL FOUR
TANK GIRL dressed like a classic 1950s housewife, doing the washing up in a classic 1950s American style kitchen. Her classic ’50s HUSBAND is dressed in a suit, smoking a pipe (looking a lot like Bob Dobbs). He is approaching her with a letter.
CAPTION #1 - I DON’T RECALL THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM. WE BOTH JUST DRIFTED AWAY FROM THAT JOB. I GOT MARRIED AND SETTLED DOWN TO BRING UP MY LOVELY, NORMAL FAMILY.
CAPTION #2 - THEN, A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER...
HUSBAND - LETTER HERE FOR YOU, HONEY. IT’S STAMPED FROM DICKYBACK MOUNTAIN... WHO DO WE KNOW OUT THERE IN THAT DUSTY OL’ PLACE?
PANEL FIVE
’50s TANK GIRL reading the letter.
CAPTION - IT WAS FROM HIM. HE WANTED ME TO MEET HIM AT THE PICNIC AREA, BY THE LAKE ON THE EAST SIDE OF DICKYBACK MOUNTAIN. I FELT A THRILL IN MY HEART THAT HADN’T BEEN THERE IN A LONG, LONG TIME.
TANK GIRL - OH, IT’S NO ONE, JUST AN OLD GIRLFRIEND FROM MY SCHOOL DAYS.
PAGE FIVE
PANEL ONE
TANK GIRL and BOOGA standing by an ice cream truck, in front of a lake, in front of a mountain (this is our first long-view of Dickyback mountain – maybe it could look a bit like a knob?) (be subtle, it’s funnier!). They are chowing into huge ice creams.
CAPTION - I COULDN’T RESIST HIS INVITATION. I TURNED UP AT LUNCH TIME AND WE SPENT A GLORIOUS AFTERNOON FILLING UP ON TOP QUALITY ICE CREAM.
PANEL TWO
’50s TANK GIRL carving up the family roast. She is really, really fat. Her HUSBAND is looking at her, astounded.
CAPTION #1 - WE STARTED MEETING THERE ON A REGULAR BASIS – THE SECOND SUNDAY OF EVERY MONTH WITH AN ‘R’ IN IT.
CAPTION #2 - THE ICE CREAM STARTED TO DO ITS DAMAGE AND – ALTHOUGH NO ONE MENTIONED IT – THE EXTRA POUNDS WERE BECOMING OBVIOUS....
PANEL THREE
A real fat TANK GIRL and an enormous BOOGA walking away from the ice cream truck with more huge cones. Booga’s eyes are wide with alarm.
CAPTION - THEN ONE DAY IT HAPPENED... BOOGA ORDERED ONE DOUBLE CHOCO-FUDGE SPECIAL TOO MANY.
BOOGA - BOLLOCKS. I THINK MY HEART JUST POPPED.
PANEL FOUR
Fat TANK GIRL, looking solemnly down on BOOGA’S grave. It is a bulbous, hill-like grave.
TANK GIRL - SUDDENLY HE WAS GONE. I BECAME INCONSOLABLE. MY HUSBAND LEFT ME BECAUSE OF MY DEPRESSIVE BOUTS, AND OUR FAMILY BROKE APART...”
PAGE SIX
PANEL ONE
TANK GIRL (now back to her regular size) is sat at the head of a long table in a high-ceilinged dining room. Next to her is a respectable old woman who looks a bit like the queen in her civvies. This is Tank Girl’s AUNT AUGUSTA. Opposite her is a grey looking man in a dark suit. This is BIGGINS, her butler/chauffer. The table is set with the remains of a frugal meal.
TANK GIRL - ...SO YOU SEE, GREAT AUNT AUGUSTA, LIFE HAS BEEN PARTICULARLY CRUEL TO ME.
PANEL TWO
Close on TANK GIRL, giving it her best puppy eyes.
TANK GIRL - IF YOU WERE TO MAKE ME THE TRUSTEE OF YOUR ENORMOUS FORTUNE, THEN I MIGHT GLEAN SOME SMALL CONSOLATION BY USING IT TO HELP THE MANY CHARITABLE ORGANISATIONS THAT I HOLD SO VERY DEAR TO MY HEART.
PANEL THREE
Close on AUNT AUGUSTA, looking very distraught, dabbing at the corner of her mouth with a napkin.
AUNT
AUGUSTA - OH MY DEAR CHILD. I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU’D BEEN HAVING SUCH A GHASTLY TIME OF IT.
AUNT AUGUSTA
(linked) - I WAS GOING TO LEAVE MY ESTATE TO MY FAVOURITE DONKEY SANCTUARY. BUT YOU HAVE OPENED MY EYES THIS LUNCH TIME. I CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE A GOOD, HONEST, AND DECENT GIRL. I’M SURE MY BILLIONS WOULD BE SAFE IN YOUR HANDS.
PANEL FOUR
AUNT AUGUSTA and TANK GIRL both looking round towards the source of a loud flushing sound.
S.F.X. - KER-FLUSH!!
PANEL FIVE
BOOGA stands in the doorway, wiping his hands together.
BOOGA - MAN, I DIDN’T HALF DO A BIG ONE DOWN THE CRAPPER. HAVE YOU SEEN THE COAT HANGER THAT I USE FOR BREAKING UP GIANT SHITS?
PAGE SEVEN
PANEL ONE
BOOGA stands over the dinner table, extending his open palm to a freaked-out AUNT AUGUSTA. TANK GIRL’s jaw has dropped open.
BOOGA - OH... WHO’S THE OLD BAG?
BOOGA
(linked) - MY NAME’S BOOGA. I DO THE POOING AROUND HERE. YOU CAN STILL CATCH A WHIFF IF YOU’RE LUCKY.
PANEL TWO
Close on TANK GIRL, flapping.
TANK GIRL
(small) - NO BOOGA! NOT NOW YOU TWAT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN YOUR ROOM AND READ COMICS ALL AFTERNOON, REMEMBER THE PLAN?
PANEL THREE
TANK GIRL and BOOGA standing over AUNT AUGUSTA, who is sitting slumped and lifeless in her chair.
BOOGA - OH SHIT! AUNT AUGUSTA IS DEAD!
TANK GIRL - IT MUST’VE BEEN THE SIGHT OF YOU – I’D JUST TOLD HER THAT YOU WERE DEAD. EITHER THAT OR IT WAS THE SMELL OF YOUR TURD.
TANK GIRL
(linked) - EITHER WAY, SHE HAS DIED WITHOUT AMENDING HER WILL. AND NOW SEVENTEEN BILLION DOLLARS WILL BE GOING TO THE DONKEY SANCTUARY INSTEAD OF TO ME!
PANEL FOUR
BOOGA is in a stable, leaning on the lower stable door and swigging a can of beer. A sign by the door reads DONKEY SANCTUARY. A KID and his MUMMY are walking past, the KID is looking quizzically at Booga.
CAPTION - LATER THAT WEEK...
KID - MUMMY, MUMMY! L
OOK... THAT DONKEY IS DRINKING BEER AND WEARING A RAMONES T-SHIRT.
BOOGA - HEY... KID... I’M NOT A DONKEY, I’M A KANGAROO.
MUMMY - COME AWAY DEAR. YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE HE’S BEEN.
PANEL FIVE
In the donkey sanctuary control room, TANK GIRL has her feet up on the control switchboard. The CCTV is focused in on BOOGA in his stable. TANK GIRL has hold of the Tannoy microphone.
TANK GIRL - DONKEY NUMBER SIXTEEN... SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND EAT YOUR CARROT.
CAPTION - THE END IS NIGH
THE END
He had called me a cunt
This guy
This fucking idiot guy
This fucking Simply Red fan
So we went round to his house
Booga knocked on the door
No one answered
We went round the back
I smashed the glass on the back door
with the butt of my gun
We were in
The guy came at us
Out of the kitchen cupboard
Wielding a Ken Hom cleaver
Booga punched him in the face
He staggered back
And sat down on a kitchen chair
I took out two hand-held personal alarms
We gaffa-taped them to his ears
Like a fucked-up pair of headphones
We pulled the pins out
The alarms started to scream
An unbearable squealing tone
His eyes rolled back
Blood came out of his ears in torrents
“Now THAT’S simply red,” laughed Booga
We went out the front way
And left the door open
And that was the end of that cunt
Alan C. Martin is the original writer of Tank Girl, the character he cocreated with Gorillaz art genius Jamie Hewlett in 1988. Martin scripted three Tank Girl graphic novels, as well as co-creating a number of other comics properties. Now living on the Scottish Borders with his wife Lou and son Rufus Bodie, Martin is currently writing a brand new Tank Girl comics series, illustrated by hugely influential Judge Dredd artist Mick McMahon.
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