by Amanda Daul
Mentally shaking her head, she seemed to clear the memories from her mind, and huffed a breath of air suddenly. She hadn’t realized that she was holding her breath.
Quickly trotting up the stairs, Arissa suddenly felt weakened and she couldn’t allow that. Rushing the rest of the way to the master bedroom, she grasped the ornate handles of the heavy, double oak doors to their bedroom and heaved them shut behind her. For a moment, she simply held onto the smooth handles, trying to release her mind of her previous, terrifying thoughts.
“Are you okay?” Cayl’s voice asked from directly behind her, causing her to startle.
“I’m fine,” she gasped, breathlessly. She knew he wouldn’t believe her, her eyes wide with unease.
“No, you’re not,” he murmured to her, reaching out to catch her wrist. His touch startled her again and she shied away before she realized what she had done.
Arissa avoided his gaze and breezed past him to stand at the window, folding her arms tightly against her chest. “I let my mind wander too far and I guess I spooked myself.”
He approached her slowly, reaching out to lay a hand on her shoulder. He rubbed her arm, comfortingly, but Arissa barely responded. She was too preoccupied with her thoughts, trying desperately to think of something new to tell Trax when she saw him again. After another moment, she realized that Cayl had just spoken to her and she couldn’t recall a single word of what he had said.
“I’m sorry Cayl, I just don’t feel like I’m here tonight.” Arissa’s voice was clearly distant and cold to him.
Cayl dropped his hand and took a step away. The tension that Arissa had been feeling ever since returning home from their elongated absence began settling over them again. She thought that being reunited with each other after Cayl’s brutal kidnapping would have been easier than it was. The last thing she had expected was to feel distant from him, rather than attracted like they always had. She wanted to blame the stress and preoccupation to the General and the war that was once again brewing under her control, but as much as she wanted to believe it, there was something different inside her that she couldn’t ignore. It was obviously the reason to why she felt detached from Cayl, but she had yet to figure out what it was exactly.
“It’s felt like you haven’t been here since we came back,” he muttered, voicing her exact thoughts. “When you’re at the camp with the soldiers, I can let it go. You need to be focused then. But now, when we’re at home, away from everything...it still feels like you want to be somewhere else.”
“You have no idea,” Arissa hissed under her breath, turning sharply to glare at Cayl’s already irritated expression. Her temper was hot and her patience was already stretched to the limit from her previous musings, she didn’t exactly trust herself not to act out. But her mouth spoke before her mind could stop it. “You have no idea what it’s like to have to make every decision for a group that will one day overthrow the government. They chose me for a reason and I cannot let them down. I’m not sorry. All I’m trying to do is help save the life of everybody that we know and love. You need to understand that.”
Cayl’s narrowed eyes twitched. He nervously clenched his fists, fidgeting. “And you need to understand that you shouldn’t have to carry the whole country by yourself. Isn’t that why Landon agreed to leave his wife and newborn baby? You asked him to help you and you still feel like you need to control everything on your own.”
“That was Landon’s own choice! Don’t you dare try to make that seem like I had anything to do with it,” Arissa shot back. Her heart was already whirling with exhaustion and now her temper was rising quickly. She was tired and the last thing she wanted to do was argue with Cayl. Her tricky temper made it difficult for her to have a fair conversation anyway, but stress made her even angrier. “Why do you even care about what Landon is doing?”
“Because you’re doing the same thing.”
Arissa’s expression fell, feeling as if she’d been punched. Not surprising, she felt the same sensation of shock as when she had been shot.
Her words were bitter, matching the steely look in her eyes as she glared. “How dare you! Are you really accusing me of abandoning you and Janelle? Cayl, you’re with me more often than you are not. Why would you say something like that to me?”
“Because it’s true! I get you being focused when you’re at the camp, but when you’re here, you’re still not with us. The world is a terrible place right now, we both know that, Arissa. That’s all the more reason that we have to stay together. It’s the only way that we can survive.”
“The only way that we can survive is if I go out there and stop the war myself. You’re not as involved in this as I am and I can’t waste time arguing with you about it,” Arissa slammed back, her tone clearly ending the conversation before it got any more heated. Immediately, she stormed to the wardrobe and threw open the doors. Rage was boiling deep in her chest as she hurriedly switched her light nightgown for her only fitted pair of leather pants that she wore only when she knew she would be away for an extended time. The tough material aided her in the thick forests and terrains. She quickly buttoned and laced a thick, matching shirt that was made of an equally sturdy, black material, a wide belt cinching snugly against her slender stomach.
While lacing up her tall, leather boots, Cayl joined her, harshly asking where she was going. He made it very clear that he wasn’t done with his end of the conversation yet.
Arissa finished lacing up the strings and buckles of one boot before she bothered to look up at him. The only time she wore these particular clothes was when she had gone on the lengthy journeys through the wildness, searching for her bounties or other errands at the General’s will. That life was behind her, but suddenly, she had a whole new mission in mind. One that didn’t involve her husband.
“You want to know what I’m doing? I’m leaving. Apparently, I’m going back to the camp tonight, because I need to think and plan and I can’t do that here with you accusing me of abandoning you.” Frustrated, she stomped her second foot hard on the floor after she was finished fastening the boot. Standing quickly, she tacked on, “Don’t think I didn’t catch that, either. I may be leaving but I’m not abandoning either of you. I’m leaving so that I can protect you.”
“If we’re going back to the camp tonight, I need to let the maids know for Janelle...” Cayl muttered under his breath.
Arissa reached out quickly to grab his arm. “No, Cayl, you’re not hearing me. I’m going back...alone. You’re staying here with Janelle.”
“Like hell I am! I’m not letting you go out there alone! Especially after what we just got out of, we need to stay together. I’m coming with you.”
“No, you are not!” Arissa nearly screamed back in frustration. Her sudden outburst might wake Janelle down the hall, but she didn’t even have time or patience to consider that. Her eyes burned, ferociously. “You’re not leaving here, you have to stay with Janelle. Right now, I don’t need us to be together. What I need is to be able to focus and figure things out so I can decide what to do. I’ve already decided to move a group of the soldiers tomorrow, and no, I am not going to tell you where. Cayl, please, just cooperate with me. Stay here where it’s safe and be here for Janelle. Please! I don’t want you with me out there anymore. You’re not a fighter, you don’t belong there. I can’t be worrying about you every minute.”
Cayl had been near the doorway, ready to exit the room against her wishes, but now he paused. Even though her exhaustion may have slightly ebbed her temper, her words had still carried a bitter tone. It appeared that he was either debating how to respond, or trying very hard to control his own anger. No matter how he reacted, he wouldn’t win. Arissa had already made up her mind on the ride home. She regretted even returning home now. It would have been easier if she had just stayed at the camp, without seeing her daughter again. It only reopened the gaping wound in her soul that burned every moment she was away from her.
Her husband was gritting his teeth i
n aggravation as he decided what to say in response. His words were tense, but controlled. “You really think you can do this alone? Arissa, you can’t. As much as you want to believe in yourself, if you shut out everybody who is trying to help you, all you’re going to do is make an easy target for the General.”
“Cayl, you’ve known me a long time, but you have never seen me in battle. Everything that I’ve done while working for the General has prepared me for this moment. I know what I’m doing and I’m going to do it, even if that means sacrificing my life. I need to do everything in my power to fix what has happened, and you need to back off and get out of my way so that I can.”
It was obvious that her words hurt him, but she guarded her mind against caring. Her attachment to her family had her weak and vulnerable, and as much as she hated to, she had to cut herself off from that to be able to build up into the strongest version of herself possible. At least until the insanity was over.
“What are you talking about? Sacrificing your life? Arissa, what do you mean?” His voice was rising again as he swiftly turned to face her, gripping her forearm tightly.
She didn’t answer, immediately. Her dark eyes were narrow with caution as they searched Cayl’s emerald gaze, but she never allowed herself to fall victim to the intoxicating charm like she always had before.
“This is a war, Cayl. A war that I had a hand in starting and everybody is looking to me to stop it. I am willing to do everything that I am capable of to end this.” The expression of his face told Arissa that he clearly wasn’t getting the exact message that she had tried to gently deliver. With a deep breath, she slowly spoke the words, concentrating on keeping her voice steady. “I started this war, but I have no intentions of finishing it. This war could likely last for years, and with what is ahead, it’s not logical to even hope that anyone involved now will still be here to see it end.”
An incredulous, shocked and absolutely horrified expression clouded over Cayl’s handsome face. His mouth fell agape in disbelief, shadows casting over his hallowed cheeks. Finally realization hit and he began spouting words again, both angry and scared. “That’s why you want me to stay here. You’re not planning on coming back, are you?”
“I know what it’s like to grow up without a family, Cayl. I can’t let that happen to Janelle. That’s why she needs you. Being associated to me will only bring her shame and judgement that she doesn’t deserve. I have to do what I can to make up for the things of my past. I can’t let our beautiful daughter live in the same society that you and I have. She deserves better and I am going to make sure that she never has to know about any of this.”
“You’re not coming back, are you?” Cayl repeated, honestly terrified and shaken, as if completely disregarding everything she had just said.
Arissa was chewing on her bottom lip and had to close her eyes heavily, letting her gaze fall to the floor before answering. “I honestly don’t know. Believe me, I’m going to try...but I can’t make promises anymore.”
The sound of Janelle’s tired cries suddenly erupted from the hall. Without a word, but pausing for a deep breath of encouragement, Arissa snatched her heavy, hooded cloak from its hook and swept quickly across the floor to the door, leaving Cayl with a dumbfounded look in his eyes.
Seeing her daughter again was not what she needed to stay strong, but Arissa couldn’t allow herself to leave without seeing her innocent face again. The only thing she could do was convince herself she needed her daughter as a reminder of what to fight for.
Ignoring the intense strike of pain in her collarbone, Arissa lifted her crying daughter and held her protectively close. She didn’t allow herself to soak in the scent and beauty of the child, like she normally did. This time, she only held her for a moment, pressed a teary kiss to her mass of soft, springy curls on her head and set her back in her crib, wordlessly. She could feel her heart shattering and forced every step she took to leave the nursery. Janelle’s muffled cries could still be heard through the closed door, but Arissa didn’t pause, she hurried down the hall quickly, away from her family.
Arissa was only a few feet from the door that would lead her to the stables when Cayl caught up to her, gripping her sleeved arm, tightly.
“You’re not going to say goodbye?”
“I can’t,” Arissa hissed, unwilling to meet his gaze. She never thought she would have to leave Cayl behind this way. After months of searching for him, there was nothing she wanted more than to stay with him.
She wanted to say something comforting for both of them, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t tell him she loved him, not even that she would miss him. In the last hours, Arissa had successfully built up the walls around her heart that she had lived with for years and she couldn’t risk letting anything break them down again. She needed to be detached from everyone she cared about in order to be at her best. Her love for her family was her ultimate weakness.
He didn’t bother to respond. He settled for closing the space between them and giving her a forceful kiss that surprised her. For weeks, there had been more tension and anger between them as usual, but the tense, urgent aura that Arissa felt during the kiss left her feeling shaky.
Cayl was terrified. Somehow, without words, he was communicating to her that he was scared to let her go, that he was scared for her. He was trying to tell her to stay.
Arissa pulled back from the kiss abruptly, as if she had been shocked and paused only a moment to meet his desperate expression. “I know what you’re doing. It won’t work.”
It wasn’t until she had slammed the door behind her when she finally allowed a shaken tear to tremble onto her cheek.
Chapter Three
Even her stallion, Raze, was nervous and high-strung during the windy ride back to the hidden encampment in the forest. The harsh wind whistled through the trees and branches around them, causing eerie sounds and threatening shadows to cascade over their path. The fluttering of her black cloak behind them didn’t help either, but with the sound of his rider’s voice, the stallion remained calm enough to control.
The trip through the mountain side that led into the valley was forbidden for a reason. It took not only skill and perception to navigate the treacherous terrain, but sheer luck was also a factor. Those who were most experienced, including Arissa and Trax, had little difficulty, but they had already lost countless men on this side hill, who lacked the knowledge, judgement and common sense to avoid certain hazards. The pits of quick sand and poisonous plants were easy enough to see and keep away from. It was such things like the gas hallows that tended to claim the unaware travelers.
In the short time they had been at the camp, Arissa had tasked a group of soldiers solely with the job of locating these deathly traps. Nobody knew exactly what caused them, but throughout the area, some sort of unknown gas would settle into some of the pockets and valleys, causing inescapable traps that would blind and paralyze its victims. It was likely something that was leftover from the world that had existed before the wars had ravaged the earth, turning it into a smouldering waste, void of anything good or fair.
The night air was cold, but not as bitter as it had been in the past weeks. Time and seasons weren’t kept track of as closely anymore, but from the way the weather had been behaving lately, Arissa hoped that the heat and warm sun would soon return. The awful blanket of snow that had coated the land had melted away some time ago, but the weather remained chilly. It made camping downright miserable.
Finding their hidden encampment would be impossible unless someone knew exactly where to look. Travelling through the forests with threats of quicksand and gas pits was hazardous enough, but if anyone was lucky or smart enough to find their way through that alive, there was still the side of the canyon to navigate, that lead into the base of the valley. Lastly, an eerie old battlefield that was completely abandoned by soldiers and citizens alike lay at one end of the valley floor. The only way to get to their disguised camp was to carefully journey through the plain of ashes and
huge craters that had been blasted into the earth by some type of explosion during the wars. The area was always covered in thick smog, nearly impossible to find the other side through the dense mist without getting lost. Even now, after a wind or rain storm or after many hooves passed over the ground, bones and other evidence of the thousands of fallen soldiers would surface into view, bringing a disturbing, sickening aura to the place. When Arissa finally reached it, she took a deep breath before entering the dark fog and trusted Raze to find his own way through. The stallion proceeded without urging.
Less than an hour later, Arissa approached the last knoll before she would be in sight of the camp. She knew there would be patrols watching her advance, hidden so discreetly among the forest that even she didn’t know exactly where they were. They never bothered to stop or question her, knowing better and always let her pass without a word. Arissa knew it was only because most of the men in the camp were afraid of her and she was okay with that. She never did care what they actually thought of her, just as long as she could get through to them clearly enough. Her knife throwing demonstration seemed to prove affective earlier that day.
There were several lit torches next to the shelters and lighting the path to the clearing they used for training and practises. In the distance, Arissa could hear the sounds of metal clanging and the strained grunts of men trying to defend themselves in the staged attacks. With the unwanted help of Trax, Arissa had divided the camp’s entourage into groups based on their skill and had crafted a specific rotation for training, hoping to use their limited time to the maximum ability. There was always somebody practising something, even through the night.
With any luck, she could slyly stash Raze in the makeshift stable and slip off to the largest of the crudely constructed buildings without anyone knowing of her return. If she could stay hidden at least until morning, it could give her some time to think of their next plans. She had done her best to put her family out of her mind during the blustery ride, but the tone of Cayl’s voice, pleading her to stay was haunting her, as well as the shine in Janelle’s eyes that Arissa couldn’t force herself to forget.
