by Amanda Daul
Since the disturbing conversation she had shared with the man hours ago, Arissa had felt more exposed than usual. Even though the temperature was blissfully warm, she refused to remove her heavy cloak, feeling a little safer within the floating layers. Several times, she would feel for the handle of her dagger, just as a reminder that it was still there.
More often than she used to, Arissa wondered how the men actually thought about being trained and led by a woman. What the criminal in the borstal had said was true, women in the army were unheard of. To the day, she still didn’t understand why the General had accepted her offer all those years ago, trading her life for a position in his ranks. She had been of no use to him then and had only caused immeasurable amounts of trouble since then. From what she had seen of and heard from their soldiers, nobody seemed to even acknowledge the fact that she was a woman. Given, they didn’t confide in her any more than necessary, but that was because most everyone was afraid of her. When one of the weaponry trainers, a man with an exceptional talent for saying everything he could possibly have on his mind, had informed her of this, Arissa had actually felt surprised that they felt this way. She didn’t try to be everybody’s friend, didn’t care in the least if people thought she was warm and friendly. It wasn’t until she had looked in the mirror at her home later that day and seen the dark, intense glare that seemed to be permanently set into her eyes. Her jaw was constantly clenched tight, her cheekbones standing out, making her face appear even sharper that it already was. After seeing the way she looked to others, it was no surprise that they felt this way, but she had made no effort to change. Her job wasn’t to get people to like her. In fact, she had spent her whole life trying to encourage the exact opposite.
It didn’t always work though. Unwillingly, she suddenly thought of the one person who always seemed to sneak back into her mind when she least expected it. It had been another reason why she had chosen to prolong her visit to the practise fields. She knew Trax wasn’t going to be there today, that he was scheduled to accompany several horsemen through an area behind the camp, to flag any danger zones as a precautionary in case they were forced to make a quick escape. Now that she remembered it, it seemed funny that he would decide to do it the day that a stranger was found at their boundary line.
Arissa shook her head, not wanting to think of the man she so distrusted, still unable to decide exactly what she thought of Trax. She was torn between being grateful for the camp and army that he had unknowingly gathered to help defeat her enemy, or wanting to find some way to innocently leave him behind, erasing him from her life altogether. Regardless of what he had done to help her, there was still the lingering feeling she had around him, a quality that she couldn’t place. The man was irritating, arrogant and over confidant that he could get his way after enough pushing. He was stubborn and that was exactly the type of person that Arissa didn’t want to be anywhere around. However, she still wouldn’t admit it to herself that it was a huge part of the reason she couldn’t trust Trax. She was the stubborn one, the one who needed to be in charge. When somebody challenged that from her, she got defensive.
Thinking of Trax and the rest of the camp had made her heart rate jump up from frustration. Taking a moment to relax, she turned away from the line of men before the archery targets and let her gaze wander out over the horizon in the distance, barely visible through the trees. The brilliant orange sun was beginning to sink behind the earth, lighting the forest around her with a radiant golden color.
Arissa studied the way the shadows were cast from every object in sight. A few moments ago, the sun had been positioned differently and the darkened silhouettes hadn’t yet existed. The lower the light sank, the darker and deeper the shadows stretched. It was funny, she noticed, how the areas that were uninterrupted by trees or bushes, the open fields or small gaps between the trees were clear of the looming shadows, remaining in the brilliant, clear colors the sunlight illuminated.
Oddly, she felt her eyes drawn to a particular spot in the edge of the forest. It was the head of a subtle path that she had travelled several times with Raze, leading out of the camp. It was clear of trees and undergrowth, leaving the soft ground open and inviting.
The philosophical musing was rare for Arissa. Normally she wouldn’t have taken a moment to consider the sunset, but something in her mind made it seem like there was something invaluable to extract from the picturesque view.
A jolt flashed through her when she suddenly realized what it is. Her eyes widened at the thought, feeling her mouth fall agape. Snapping her head up to study the view again, she distinctly remembered the last time she had travelled the particular path with Raze several weeks ago. It had been in the morning and she recalled having a difficult time navigating the trail because of the thick shadows, hidden from the morning sun. But now it was bright and...clear.
“The path is most clear at sunset,” Arissa repeated to herself, finally feeling the meaning of the cryptic note from Trax. She repeated the words to herself once more, and felt more annoyed than she had all day. It was obvious, he wanted her to meet him, but why go to so much trouble? Couldn’t he just have asked her when they spoke the night before? There had never been anything secretive enough that he couldn’t tell her in the privacy of the meeting room that had become her own living quarters. She didn’t want to see Trax.
“Arissa?” a voice behind her questioned, pulling her from her reverie. She blinked hard several times to clear her hazy vision before turning. One of the instructors she had appointed to supervising the physical combat training, a man she knew as Rockwell, stood behind her. He was a well-built man, strong and sturdy, but seemed friendly and eager to work together with her every time she had spoken to him. “Are you alright?”
She nodded before speaking, barely meeting his eye, still trying to find her most steady voice. “I’m fine.”
Rockwell offered her a quick smile, then began to turn back to the fields. Arissa’s eyes followed him for a moment, surprised to see that she must have unknowingly wandered towards the wooded path. She hadn’t noticed leaving the group of soldiers but they were a short distance away, just out of earshot.
Before the man could leave, Arissa suddenly reached out to catch his arm. “Wait!”
He turned to meet her suddenly wild, expecting gaze. He seemed startled but amused her, asking her what she wanted.
Her brain wanted her to pause for a moment, to rethink her words but her mouth was already speaking them. “Do you know where Trax is?”
Rockwell looked confused, as if her questioning outburst was the last thing he expected to hear. His deep voice stuttered a moment before answering, “I...I’m not sure. I believe he left to do some scouting, but he didn’t take anyone with him. He wasn’t scheduled to train today, so I haven’t heard from him. Sorry.”
Arissa thanked him and the moment he turned away and left, her gaze suddenly shot back to the path leading into the serene forest. Now she knew for certain that Trax’s story about leaving to search the surrounding area was fake, that he was somewhere down that path, waiting for her. A part of her actually wanted to go. She didn’t quite believe it, but it was true. Some small, inconsequential part of her brain was telling her to go to him, to see him and hear what he had to say. It couldn’t be for any other reason, she confirmed to herself.
If she had been faced with the same choice yesterday, she would have turned and stalked away, never wondering to give it a second chance. She didn’t want to know Trax, didn’t want to associate with him anymore than she had to outside attending to the camp’s well-being. It made her furious that now she actually felt torn between leaving and finding out exactly what he was trying to do. Their encounter the night before had been so unexpected, completely throwing Arissa off her original plan to keep him at bay. If he had confronted her any other time, she would not have hesitated in forcibly making him leave her quarters, but for whatever reason, last night she had allowed him to stay. The thought to do anything else never
even occurred to her, she now realized. She blamed it on the stress and emotion she had been feeling, having just come back from her home and having everything else to think about. She thought of Cayl and the way they had parted and it summoned a swollen tug in her throat.
Frowning, she dropped her eyes from the forest and turned to walk away as the shadows promptly overtook the area, covering the path that was once clear and inviting into a dark prison of everything unknown.
* * *
Arissa stayed in the archery field until dark had completely fallen and the space was clear of the fatigued soldiers. Spending the day watching them, she had been quite impressed by their progression, feeling a bit more inspired than she had several hours ago.
When everyone else had gone, she had scooped up one of the bows and quivers she had claimed and walked slowly to the targets. There was enough light left in the day for a few shots and she felt like it was what she needed to settle her mind for the night.
Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes for a moment, but as soon as she did, she was overwhelmed with a flood of haunting images. Her exhausted mind had dredged up every painful memory she was trying so hard to repress. She unwillingly saw her beautiful baby girl and Cayl, suddenly reliving every terrifyingly lonely night she had spent searching for him and the cold, empty feeling in her gut when she had realized soon after that he wasn’t the same man that she had known.
She was shocked when she suddenly remembered Trax’s visit from the night before, recalling the exact expression on his face when she had been so harsh to him, the way the collar of his black, leather jacket stood slightly stiffened and the tone of his voice as he whispered so evocatively to her.
Spooked by the sudden recurrence, Arissa gritted her teeth and reached back for an arrow. Smoothly and quickly, she released three arrows without a single pause and when she looked up, they were all in the same place, the shivering feathers touching each other in the centre of the tree.
Angry for allowing a memory of Trax to invade those of her family, nothing was allowed to occur in her mind the whole time she walked alone back to the camp. She was there in only a few minutes, but in order to put off sitting alone in her bunk for the night, Arissa stopped at the stable to see Raze. There was a man whose sole job was caring for and protecting the few horses that they had, but he was gone when she arrived, likely in one of the mess halls for dinner.
She spent a short amount of time with Raze, talking to him when really she was talking to herself. He stood next to her, asleep as she leaned her forehead on his strong, solid shoulder over the railing that contained him.
The moment that she closed the door to the meeting room behind her, she instantly felt the intense loneliness overwhelm her. She was so tired, nothing made sense to her at all, but it was as if she wanted to stay mad at herself. Being preoccupied and distracted and overwrought with her emotions was so unlike her that it was beginning to make her feel differently altogether. She felt discouraged and troubled, thinking that everything she was trying to achieve by building their own army was completely pointless. Of course, she would only curse herself for thinking that when she woke up the next day, but something was making her feel like she was being held back, dragged into the dark hole that she was in. Arissa hated everything about it, knowing she needed to find out what it was so that she could return to her old self.
Sitting alone at the large table passed less time than she had hoped. She was honestly considering going back to the stable to sit with Raze, if nothing else, at least for the company, but she was so exhausted it felt like she couldn’t move at all.
Her left hand had been resting weakly in her pocket when her fingertips brushed something familiar. Sighing as she pulled it out, Arissa slowly, carefully unfolded the parchment, reading the few words that Trax had left for her. Now that she knew what they meant, she found herself wondering whether she had made the right choice to walk away from his blatant invitation. Obviously, there was something he felt he needed to share with her, but at the same time, Arissa was constantly reminding herself not to trust him. It was clear to her what kind of man he was, and if he was trying to bond with her for whatever reason, she couldn’t imagine that his intentions were all that honourable. However, she still felt the unexplainable connection to him, wanting to find out more without admitting it to herself.
Arissa’s heart leapt into her throat, bolting straight up in her chair when a certain gruff, familiarly accented voice spoke behind her. “I can’t say that I’m too surprised that you ignored my message and managed to evade me all day. Although, I am quite curious about what could possibly be going through your mind as you sit here, focusing so intently on that.”
She didn’t need to turn because he was already beside her, obviously having emerged from one of the adjoining rooms. There was no point in getting upset about him being there. It may be her temporary quarters, but he had just as much right to be there, what with all of their information and a good amount of supplies being stored there.
“I was just...thinking...” Arissa weakly muttered, not bothering to hide the obvious tone in her voice.
“About me?” Trax relaxed into the chair directly across from her, looking exactly the same way he did as the night before.
“Don’t flatter yourself.”
He chuckled. “I don’t need to. I’ll just wait for you to do that for me.”
Arissa narrowed her eyes, shaking her head slightly in disbelief of his audacity. She was too tired to bother keeping up his ridiculous conversation, but even if she wasn’t, she had nothing to say back to him. His comment lingered in her mind, making her frown. Maybe if she let her end of the talking fall, he would get the hint and drop the subject.
To her surprise, the air around them was actually silent for a few moments. It wasn’t as awkward as she had anticipated silence between them to be, she was used to every moment being filled by his flirtatious chatter. He didn’t speak at all now, and maybe that was why Arissa felt provoked into glancing up at him, feeling to need to see his face, to read what he was thinking. Without meaning to do so, her expression softened instantly the moment she met his eyes.
Never having noticed before, Arissa found herself suddenly caught off guard for a few moments when she realized that she was studying his facial features for perhaps the first time. She had always tolerated him, but never paid enough attention or been in a situation where she even had the opportunity to face him without being distracted. Most of the time, she was occupied by thinking of what to say next that would match his quick jibes. Now that there were no words to fill the space, it was as if she had silent permission to take the time and really see who this man was.
He was striking, she had to admit to herself. His skin was slightly darkened by the sun, much like her own, even to the point of having as many visible scars as she permanently wore. His most noticeable mark was a thin scare angled across his right cheek. There was a shadow of facial hair cast on his face, matching his hair that was so dark, especially in the dim lighting of the lantern lit area. Arissa was so used to Cayl’s hazel green eyes being the only ones that she knew, it was almost mesmerizing to explore the deep shades of blue that Trax’s sharp eyes were. They were intense and enticing, but at the same time she couldn’t help but feel drawn to the soft shades that lay underneath. Feeling her own tense expression melt away within seconds, she opened her mouth to say something, but couldn’t remember what they had last spoken about. It was hard to rip her gaze away from his own, especially when he seemed to be just as hesitant as she to end the curiously distracting contact.
Arissa finally inhaled deeply, dropping her eyes away quickly. Feeling startled, she rose to her feet and began pacing slowly, not knowing what to say. She blamed the lack of sleep, but it nearly felt as if she were almost comfortable with him there, though she knew that wasn’t possibly right. Not feeling the need to snap an abrupt insult or remark at him felt foreign to her, but then again, he had never been quiet for this lon
g around her, either.
Something about seeing him the way she had for a moment scared her. For a few seconds, he wasn’t her rival. He wasn’t the extremely obnoxious man that she had grown to loathe and avoid whenever possible. This was the second night in a row that he had showed up unannounced and unexpected, wanting nothing else other the chance to talk to her. Perhaps she was being too cold and unappreciative to the man who had done more to help her than anybody else ever had, but Arissa had always trusted her gut and whenever she was around Trax, it was telling her to run.
She still didn’t say anything, wishing that when she opened her eyes and turned back to the table he would be gone, wishing he was a hallucination from her lack of sleep. Knowing she wasn’t that lucky, she took a moment to draw another breath before making some excuse for her strange behaviour that was so unlike her. Letting him see her this way, depressed and conflicted was definitely not what she needed, either. She needed her group to see her strong and unbreakable, like she had always tried to be.
Before Arissa had the chance to say anything or even move a single muscle, she heard slow footsteps behind her. Her brows furrowed slightly, intrigued and confused. At first she thought he was leaving, but then she realized he was approaching her. In the next instant, she heard the unmistakable sound of glasses being set on the table, followed by a heavier thud.
When she turned, her face was tense and drawn again, heavy with stress. She was wary to meet his gaze again, afraid for the same reaction, but when she caught his eye for a moment this time, he seemed to be more diverted then before. On the table ahead of him were two small tumbler glasses and a large bottle filled with a dark amber liquid.
Without a word, Trax unscrewed the top of the bottle, letting the lid roll off the table and clatter to the floor. Splashing a good amount into each glass, he waited until he set down the bottle and picked up both glasses before finally breaking the silence.
