by Amanda Daul
“What I said in the camp, the last time we spoke...I meant it. I can’t be with you, Cayl, no matter the life we used to have. I don’t want to be with you,” her words bit. His eyes had fallen from hers when he dropped his head, harshly clenching his fists into his hair, fidgeting. “Trax has nothing to do with this. It’s how I feel and that’s not going to change. I’m leaving, Cayl, and this time I can make you a promise. I’m not coming back. For you...or Janelle.”
Her eyes stung and her voice was beginning to break, but she summoned the last strength she possessed and calmed her composure. The anger had drained from his expression, as well, and she could see how fraught he was, shaking his head and staring at her through tense, narrowed eyes.
“Arissa...don’t. Please. I need you,” he begged, his voice growing quieter. Again, he made a motion toward her, but her suddenly stiff shield caused him to retreat just as quickly. It visibly pained him to do so.
“Too much has happened for me to consider staying. I didn’t want us to end like this, but I’m not sorry, either, Cayl. You don’t need me. It’s over and you need to accept it and move on because I already have.”
The sudden, jolting pounds on the front door broke them both out of their state of shocked sadness, the startlingly quiet moment breaking in the same instant. Both of their eyes turned to stare at the door for a moment, and without a word, Arissa moved quickly across the floor, concealing herself behind a doorway leading into a curved hall. She pressed her back against the flat side of the wall, her heart beating viciously fast. Instantly, she was thinking of every scenario that somebody saw her riding up to her former home and that the General would be standing on the other side of the door.
She mentally snapped at herself to focus as she heard Cayl’s footsteps grow closer to the door. Even though they had just ended their marriage, she hoped he still understood the importance that her location remained a secret. Normally, she would tell herself that he cared about her too much to purposely hurt her, but lately, she wasn’t so sure that she was certain about anything he would or would not do. Never before had he used her own past and insecurities against her, but lately, it was the only thing he had to say to her and it had shaken her confidence and trust in him.
Regardless of who was there, it was time for her to leave the house, leave Daer and her family, her daughter, behind. She had done what she had come for, no matter how harsh it had been.
The opening of the door caused her heart rate to speed up as she strained to listen even more intently for the voices she was expecting. It was strangely quiet for a few extra seconds, but then she heard Cayl’s enraged tones again.
“I knew it! This was you, wasn’t it? All of this happened because of you!”
“If by that you mean sparing your life, then yes, I dare say, I am to blame.”
Arissa exhaled loudly, immediately gritting her teeth together. “No way,” she hissed under her breath. This couldn’t be real.
“Not that I wouldn’t enjoy a conversation with you, but if you don’t mind, there is a pressing matter I need to discuss with your wife.”
Alarm rose in Arissa as she ducked out from her hiding place and began walking quickly towards the open door where Cayl and Trax were standing threateningly close, a harsh, unyielding glare locked on each other. She doubted he had believed her when she said Trax had nothing to do with her decision, but now there would be no changing his mind. It didn’t matter, regardless, she told herself. They were both leaving and it no longer mattered to Cayl what either of them did.
Trax abandoned Cayl’s murderous glower and caught Arissa’s stern, grave expression. In his eyes, she could see he was apologetic, but he was also visibly worried and anxious. As badly as she wanted to know what was wrong, she didn’t want to ask him. She wasn’t about to tell Cayl where they were going to be, in case he decided to do something stupid.
It surprised her, but somehow this warning was communicated perfectly between her and Trax, his slight nod and eased eye contact told her he understood. Arissa had noticed this happening earlier, too, the telepathic communication between them. It had happened while they were riding with the other men, and even days earlier when Cayl had abruptly interrupted them at the camp. Somehow, they had become more in sync with each other than she had expected, but she didn’t have time to analyze this now.
“We have to go,” Arissa hurriedly spilled to Cayl in a cold tone, not bothering to look at him. Instead, she turned and realized that she was standing so close to Trax, their arms brushed as she did. She met his eyes, encouragingly, “I’ll catch up to you.”
It only took a single nod of understanding and Trax was gone, completely ignoring Cayl’s string of rude and distressed remarks. A sudden feeling of urgency was pressing down on Arissa and his temper was making hers rise drastically.
“Stop it, Cayl. I’m no longer your concern and neither is Trax. You asked me why I came here, this is why. So neither of us has to waste any more time wondering.”
“And immediately after you say that, Trax shows up looking for you? Come on, Arissa, you can’t expect me to believe that. Don’t think that I didn’t see how he looked at you before you banned me from the camp where you both stay.”
“If you don’t believe me, that is your problem, not mine to dwell on. You know just as well as I do that we both changed after you were kidnapped and it’s completely idiotic to expect things would just go back to normal after that. We don’t work anymore, Cayl.”
“You’re giving up.”
She shook her head, pretending not to hear the faint cries from the nursery that were beginning to echo to them through the hallway. “I’m giving you both your best chance at survival. You need to leave, too.”
Pausing for a quick, steadying breath, Cayl tried to cut in quickly, but she cut right back, pushing his words aside. She needed to speak and get this over with before he could see how broken she felt or notice her trembling hands.
“You know that I never wanted to be a mother, Cayl. I could never live with myself, bringing a child into a world as terrible and unjust as ours. Any child I have in this land will be latched to me and my name for life and will be associated with every horrible thing I have done. Having to life in my shadow of shame is too harsh a punishment for any innocent person to live with and that’s why I could never allow myself to be a mother. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, it was that I couldn’t bear to live with the guilt. Then Janelle happened. I care about her more than I’ve ever cared about anything else in my life. But I also know what’s best for her and it’s not being with me,” she stopped quickly before her voice could shatter completely. Her voice dropped, as did her gaze for a moment, fighting back the watering sting in her eyes. “Take Janelle and leave all of this behind, Cayl. Find another land that the General can’t control, someplace where my name is unknown. As long as you are in this territory, neither of you will ever be safe.”
Cayl had calmed from shouting angry comments, but he was still irate. His eyes were on fire as he glared back at her, more angry than hurt. “You’re just going to abandon your daughter again? For good this time? What am I supposed to tell her when she’s older and starts to wonder where her mother is? I’m supposed to tell her that you just walked away from her?”
“Damn you, Cayl! Why are you being like this? I am doing the best that I can! If I had a choice, I wouldn’t be doing this, but I don’t! All I want in the world is to be able to have my daughter with me, but that’s not possible. I’m too involved with what is happening and if I don’t distance myself from you, it will make you both an easy target and I can’t be responsible for either of you getting hurt because of me. I don’t care if you’re angry at me, but you have no right to say I walked away from my daughter without a reason.”
Pausing with her hand on the door, she only offered one last comment. “The same warning applies as before. Don’t try to find me. Goodbye, Cayl.”
Without waiting for a heated reply, Arissa turned her b
ack on Cayl and left. Ignoring his calls to her, she slammed the door shut with more force than necessary and within a moment, she was galloping into the thicket of forest on Raze. Her trained eyes searched through the trees to find Trax, not fully realizing that all she wanted right now was to see him.
Chapter Sixteen
Within twenty minutes, Arissa had located Trax and he had immediately filled her in on what had happened.
A lone patrol from the General’s army had wandered onto the camp and claimed that he had abandoned his own group of militia soldiers in attempts to escape his control. He warned Trax that his group would be looking for him and enlightened him about the news that was sweeping through the territory, just before he dropped to the ground with his back riddled with bullet holes. Trax explained how he had been executed by the soldiers he had fled from and he and the four men they brought with them had narrowly escaped. There had only been one injury, a gunshot wound to the arm of one of their men. Ramsay, his name was, according to Trax.
“It’s minor, but you’d never know it by the way he’s been carrying on,” he added on, amused.
The news the rogue soldier had brought was both inspiring and terrifying. Since Arissa had completely fallen out of civilization after her execution, they had received little to no news at the camp. The only updates they could get were what the soldiers could pick up from their scheduled meetings at Vailwood with the authorities that they would attend and then slip back to the camp, supposedly returning to their patrols. It was hard to know exactly when this had happened, but Trax guessed within the last week, otherwise they would have heard about something so huge earlier.
Apparently, the General had decided to completely divest the territory of what little government control it had had. Each town had previously had a few soldiers to keep people in check after several riots had broken out in years past, and of course, there had been the Governor to oversee what was considered the legitimate details of the General’s orders. As twisted and wretched as the system was, there had still been a lawful structure it had been built on. Now, there was nothing. No laws, no rules or restrictions to follow, only what the General ordered. Why he would even want to get rid of the last shreds of legality was beyond her, but the reasoning behind it was definitely something to be feared. The General never did anything without motive. Trax continued talking, filling her in with all the details he was able.
Arissa listened, but gave little input. Though this was startling news that she needed to seriously ponder later and discuss with Trax, she was still too distracted by what had happened back at the house. Though it had gone exactly how she had expected, she still felt rattled. It was unreal, as if she had simply watched the scene, but it hadn’t actually happened. She hadn’t really confronted Cayl like that, had she? He hadn’t actually threatened her, using her most painful memories against her. Their ten year marriage wasn’t seriously over, was it?
She asked herself the same question again, but she felt totally calm when she realized that she didn’t care. Knowing her marriage was over and losing her daughter was an awful feeling, but at the same time she was relieved and that was what she felt the worst about. Now she didn’t have to be constantly worrying about them. It was selfish and horrible, she knew, but it was all she could do. Cayl was angry at her, and even though she hadn’t given him chance for much input, she knew how badly he was hurting and how confused he was. She just hoped he would see past his broken trust in her and do what was best for Janelle and leave this land.
When Trax finished talking, he made several other vague attempts at conversations, but quickly picked up on her lack of interest and let the easy silence overwhelm them until they finally walked into their camp, hours later. Trax had instructed the men to move to this location after losing the group of soldiers still after them while he had gone to warn Arissa. The first thing she noticed was Ramsay and another man with shortly cropped hair sitting near each other on stumps of wood. Ramsay had one sleeve torn open and a strip of dark cloth wrapped just above his left elbow. His face was set in a hard scowl and he repeatedly looked over to examine the injury. The other two, whose names still were unknown to her, were asleep on the ground farther back. There was no fire, but night had not fully descended yet.
No words were necessary when they halted their sweating horses to a stop within sight and dismounted. Turning the horses loose, Trax stepped next to Arissa, leaning closely to her ear to whisper, “I’ll stay up and keep watch. No need for both of us to lose sleep.”
“You really think I’m going to be able to sleep after what just happened back there?”
She tried to move past him, but Trax again cut her off, holding up one hand that accidently brushed her arm. His eyes glanced down to acknowledge the contact at the same time she did. “It’s been a hell of a day, love. You need to the rest.”
“I need to think and plan a strategy even more. I appreciate the offer, Trax, but I’m fine staying up alone.”
Arissa reached up to move his hand from where it rested against her arm, her cold skin nearly shivering when she felt his warm touch. She fully intended in dropping his hand from where it rested, but when she moved to let go, his fingers contracted, and his grip tightened so slightly on her own. His soft, insanely blue eyes were locked on hers intently, as if watching carefully for a flicker of emotion in her deadpan expression. It startled her, but she couldn’t process it. All she could think about was continuing into the camp, informing the men who were on watch to rest. In reality, she wanted to be alone so she could brood over what had happened and what was likely to happen. She couldn’t guarantee that she would be able to keep her emotions to herself and that was why she wanted to be alone when she did.
Allowing people to see how broken and weak she often felt was something she had never done. Nobody, not even her husband, had ever seen her cry because she simply had never known anyone she trusted enough with the tidal wave of repressed horrors that she carried with her every day. She remembered telling Cayl briefly about her responsibilities while she had been forcibly employed under the General, but she had neglected to tell him about her life before that, including the murders she had both witnessed and committed when she was still just a child. He didn’t know all the terrible things that happened in the Identification Transfer, the unit she had worked in extensively for years. It was where people came to after travelling from other lands, expecting to find a new and prosperous home, only to be sorted through like livestock. Only the few people who physically met the General’s standards were forced to join his army, dedicating their lives to him, while the others were innocently slaughtered and disposed of as if they were nothing.
“Arissa?” Trax asked, and she suddenly snapped back into focus. It sounded like he was already repeating her name in question. When he saw that her gaze was present again, concentrated on him still blocking her path disturbingly close to her, he added in a lower voice, “I’m staying up with you.”
“No, Trax, really...” she had begun to protest, but she simply lacked the energy to continue. She wanted to be alone, but she knew Trax well enough by now that she knew he wasn’t going to give her another option and if she didn’t cooperate, he would become unbearably annoying. She could repress her feelings for one more night and deal with them later. She’d had a ridiculous amount of years’ worth of practise, it was what she was best at, shoving away her feelings.
Sighing, she let her tired gaze fall and was surprised to see that he was still gently holding her hand in his. She had forgotten about the touch; she was so distracted with the whirling madness that was currently suffocating her mind. Strange enough, she didn’t mind the contact. It was different than what she was used to, but the idea that it was Trax she currently found comfort in still unnerved her, especially since she wanted to feel upset about him confronting her in front of Cayl. She took a step back so that he would break the contact.
“Fine,” she said, agreeably rather than irritably and stepped around him
.
Soon, they were alone again on the other side of the camp minutes after Arissa directed the others to rest while she and Trax took over watch.
She was still quiet, toying idly with loose strands of her hair that fluttered against the slight breeze. Goosebumps were raised on her skin under her leather apparel, but it had nothing to do with the cool weather. There was a clear view through the trees to the trail that soldiers would take to travel, giving her enough time to warn the others if anyone was to suddenly appear. Fatigue was settling through her, but she still felt mechanical, like everything she needed to think and feel was just out of reach to her.
It wasn’t until Trax joined her a few feet away that she finally broke her empty stare and attempted to clear her throat, just to make it seem like she wasn’t completely motionless.
“You look as if you could use a friend,” he murmured.
“I haven’t got any of those,” she shot back, her voice lowering as she dropped her gaze.
He didn’t answer, but the silence wasn’t deafening. It was comfortable, if anything and she felt the sudden urge to break it. She started pacing, wandering farther away from the camp, and he remained at her side.
She had been thinking about what Cayl had said after seeing Trax, about his suspicions that the man he despised had been feeling something other than camaraderie for his wife. Until recently, Trax had been about as appealing to Arissa as a plague, but ever since the first night he had found her in her quarters at the camp, insisting that he wanted to get to know her, she had been battling the impending feeling that there was something different about him that she should know. Being around him made her feel anxious and nervous, but at the same time, there was something entirely foreign that drove her to go against every instinct she had and simply trust him, something she had never done with anybody. Even though they had practically admitted to each other that their initial stages of friendship bonding was a ruse, Arissa knew there was more to his intentions than he let on, she just hadn’t figured it out yet. Regardless, she wasn’t blind to the fact that they had indeed bonded more than she had ever intended, but it was only because they were working so closely together, sharing information that was strictly between themselves. It wasn’t for the reasons that Cayl thought, she repeated in her mind, convincing herself.
