by Amanda Daul
“There’s no going back from failure, either,” Arissa countered. She almost cued for Raze to break away in that moment, but she paused. Her wide eyes locked on Trax’s reading every flicker of concern perfectly. Her voice suddenly dropped lower as she told him, almost desperately, “Just make sure that you come back.”
* * *
Over two hours had passed since Arissa had arrived alone, pulling up Raze to a harsh stop at their makeshift stable. She handed off his reins to the man there and began charging to each of the watch stations, gathering any and all available men that she could. Alerting them to be armed and ready for a breech, she was pleasantly surprised by their effectiveness as they gathered a variety of weapons and took position along the perimeter of the camp. Everybody was ready for a brigade of the General’s soldiers to appear at the gates at any moment.
Nobody showed up.
At first, Arissa was relieved. It meant Trax and the Captain had steered the group far enough away that they had not found the camp. As soon as the soldiers were either dead, or they could lose their trail, they would be back and she could start planning another way to get to the General.
Almost another whole hour had passed and still no sign of anybody. Most of the men in the camp had retreated from their places, although Arissa made sure there was still a good amount left to watch each direction. She lithely paced from station to station, not talking to anyone or paying attention to anything other than the vacant trees of the forest surrounding them.
They should have been back by now. Not only was she worried for Trax, but what if the General’s men had somehow gotten an advantage? They were outnumbered, but they were better equipped and had the obvious advantage over the men on foot. Being killed would be the best case scenario, because if they decided to capture them instead, they would likely be tortured for any information, trying to find out exactly where Arissa was and what they were planning against the General. Suddenly, she wasn’t so sure which was the better option, and the burning ache of worry in her stomach wasn’t letting her focus on anything else.
The sun had already reached its apex, and was beginning to descend in the sky again before Arissa couldn’t stand watching the empty spaces anymore. Her anxiety had grown to the point that it was unbearable and she suddenly needed to be alone, feeling her angst begin to tremble against her walls. Ever since they had been completely broken down the night before with Trax, it felt like even if she tried, she couldn’t build them all the way back up. A part of her was glad to be rid of the awful pressure, but another, smaller part was worried. She couldn’t be struggling to conceal her emotions while she was fighting, she needed to be the cold, heartless fighter she always had been.
Maybe that’s not who she needed to be after all. She hadn’t had much time to really process what had been exchanged between her and Trax the previous night, but the lingering echoes of his lilted words could still be heard in her mind. He cared for her, he wanted her to be safe, but he didn’t want to hold her back. Cayl had never even attempted to make such a sacrifice for her.
No, she couldn’t think of Cayl. Not now. Finally realizing and admitting her feelings for Trax had changed so much, so suddenly, but her decision about Cayl had not. She was not in love with him, and it wasn’t fair to let him continue thinking she was. It was a waste of both of their lives, holding the other back from finding someone who would reciprocate their true feelings. She could only hope that he realized that sooner rather than later.
Gritting her teeth together until her jaw ached was the only thing keeping her from succumbing to the agonizing dread and worry that was gnawing at her. She had lost track of how many hours must have passed since departing with Trax at the junction in the woods, and now she was trying not to pace the length of her cabin. Ever since the first night she had stormed away from Cayl in Daer, the only thing she could think of when she saw the room with the long, wooden table was Trax. Regardless, she needed a few minutes alone before the guards outside saw just how broken their allegedly fearless leader was. She had left the heavy door open so she could hear if anything undesirable broke out, but as the minutes swept past, she heard nothing.
Her back turned to the door, Arissa bit down hard on her lip, cursing herself for leaving her group. She should have stayed with them, led them into the deadly gas pits herself. At least she would know exactly what was happening, instead of spending nearly the entire day waiting nervously, refusing to consider the possibility of what might have happened. It would be just typical for her to finally realize she had something amazing right in front of her, and then lose it the next day.
Arissa gripped the back of a surprisingly well-crafted chair, the work of several of their men who happened to be skilled woodworkers. She leaned over, into her grip, forcing herself to breathe deeply to compose her expression before returning to the guard stations.
“The next time we are in a situation that requires an immediate decision, I believe I’ll be the one to call it.”
Her heart jolted at the sound of his voice and she turned quickly to see Trax standing just inside the doorway behind her. Despite the relieved grin, he looked completely exhausted and abused. His usually shining eyes were darkened by fatigue, several cuts were visible on his cheek and forehead, as well as a developing bruise just under his jaw. Blood and bruises covered his knuckles as he slowly flexed one hand and she noticed the subtle wince in his posture when he fisted it too tightly.
She pretended not to notice the copious amount of blood staining one pant leg from the knee down and the way he obviously leaned onto the other foot, because he was alive. It was a fact that she had very seriously doubted for the majority of the day.
Without even thinking, surprising herself just as much as him, her natural instinct took over and she practically ran the few steps between them, launching herself against him as she locked her arms around his neck. She held him close, feeling herself shake against his unsteady frame.
He returned the gesture immediately, although he probably needed the extra support just to keep upright. Reaching one hand out to balance against the wall, he pressed his other hand into the curve of her back, pulling her closer in a silent moment of gratefulness.
Never had Arissa thought she would ever have been this worried about losing Trax. Suddenly, the thought of him not being there terrified her and that scared her even more. She couldn’t let herself become so dependent on something, or someone, but for now, she let herself appreciate the fact that he was here and he was alive.
Reluctantly, she pulled back, keeping a tight grip on his jacket sleeves to steady both of them. His eyes were slightly unfocused when they met hers, and now that she was closer, she could see exactly how deep the cuts were.
“What happened?” she inquired, somewhat breathlessly and rushed.
Trax motioned towards the table with the chairs surrounding it as he spoke. “There was another group of the General’s soldiers. They caught us off our path just before the gas pits and we had no choice. We were outnumbered.”
Hurriedly, only hearing half of his words, Arissa reached for the back of a chair, dragging it over to meet him quickly. He sat down with a sharp gasp, slowly stretching his injured leg out. She could see exactly where the side of the pant leg had been sliced through, just below his kneecap, but it was impossible to tell by what.
“Instead of misleading them, all we could do was stand and fight, but while attempting to escape, we were cornered against one of the worst parts. Captain Sayer and I did all we could and none of those soldiers will be looking for us.”
Without him speaking the words, Arissa could hear the impending bad news in his tone. She roughly moved another chair away from the table so that she could sit in front of Trax. Even before she asked, the failure and disappointment was clear in his eyes.
“How many did we lose?” she asked, preparing to hear a depressing answer.
Trax cleared his throat first, shifting his head to the side, reluctant to reply. Sh
ame filled his eyes. “Seven.”
Biting back a curse, Arissa clenched her jaw tightly. She didn’t blame Trax. Sending them into the lower land filled with lingering, deadly gas that was still settling from the initial destruction years ago had been entirely her idea. It had worked, but had come with a price.
“It was a sacrifice, Trax, but the rest of us are safe for now. It worked,” she urged, automatically reaching out to grip his wrist with one hand. His eyes landed on the touch for a moment before flicking back up to return her wide gasp. Nodding, he offered no additional details or conversation.
Moving on quickly, Arissa rose to her feet, instructing him to show her the wound that was still bleeding through his pant leg. She left him alone for a moment to retrieve a few first aid supplies from the smaller, adjoining room and only after she had vacated the room did she hear him gasp harshly from the pain he had obviously been repressing in front of her.
She returned with several bandages and a small tin of an anti-inflammatory that Yasmine had concocted for her after her gunshot wound. They were both quiet as Arissa worked on cleaning the worst part of the wound that had been inflicted by a broadsword, she could see now. The severity of his injuries had shaken her, but she tried not to let him see it in her eyes, even as she finished dressing the wound and moved on to the smaller, less intense gashes on his face.
The next words spoken came from Trax while Arissa was dabbing at the fresh wound across the right side of his forehead.
“You know, nothing was going to keep me from coming back to you.”
She paused, her eyes refusing to follow her focus and remained on the reddened mark on his bronze skin. His words seemed to have temporarily paralyzed her, despite her struggle to maintain a deadpan expression. He may have smashed through every barrier and wall she had the night before, but during the horrifying hours he had been missing that day, it had only strengthened her intention of keeping everything she dared to care about at bay and apparently, now that included Trax. It didn’t make any sense. She had loathed the man for weeks, was even spending a serious amount of hours planning his death and now she looked at him as the only one who was able to bring her the sort of comfort and strength that she knew she needed.
Though she couldn’t exactly remember either of them coming out and dictating exactly what they felt for the other, it had quickly become obvious. She could not think of another time in her life that she had felt such strong, overpowering relief when he had appeared in her doorway just now. It didn’t even compare to the three month time she had spent thinking that Cayl was dead, and then finally finding him alive.
He took her silence as permission to continue. “I know we haven’t talked about what this is exactly and our conversation last night got a bit more intense than I think either of us planned, but this is real, Arissa. For me, it is, and I want you to feel the same.”
“I can’t think about this right now, Trax,” she countered too quickly, fumbling with the lid on the tin for a moment.
“You always say that, but you can’t hide from everything forever, Arissa. Just now, out there, I came much closer to death than I ever care to experience again and all I could think of was you. I wanted to see you, and know you were okay, but more importantly I wanted you to know exactly how I feel.”
Instead of arguing with him, Arissa stood, intending on walking away to return the medical supplies to the shelf in the other room, but before she could leave, his grip was on her, keeping her from moving. In the next moment, he was standing at his full height beside her.
“What are you afraid of?” he demanded, but didn’t give her time to answer. His grip loosened, giving her the chance to leave, but knowing she wouldn’t. “I don’t have to remind you how I feel, but I’m going to anyway. I am not going to leave you, or betray you, Arissa. I don’t break my word to the people I love.”
“Love...you can’t say that, Trax! You don’t even know me!” she retorted, her tone borderline angry.
He let his hand fall from her arm completely, but neither moved. Viable heat was rising between them, an obvious mixture of anger and desire and it was quickly becoming too much for Arissa to handle.
“I know who you are and how you deserve to be treated. I told you I can give you that and I will make you see it. I don’t care how long it takes.”
Damn it...was all she could think of. His heady words were getting to her, nearly breaking her resistance. All she wanted to do was hold him close again, and breathe in his intoxicating scent. She had become addicted to the security he provided.
“I care about you more than I should, Trax, but I can’t tell you what I’m feeling right now,” she eventually admitted, her voice falling to a quieter, softer pitch. His blue eyes were burning into hers and once again, she felt every reservation melt. “I can’t give you an answer yet. Maybe, when this is all over...”
“I would wait forever for you.” His accent absolutely dragged across each word, deliciously and it made Arissa want to rethink her defer, but she held firm and didn’t let herself think that far ahead. He lifted his hand to trail the back of one finger lightly across her cheek, pushing a thin lock of hair away from her skin. The touch burned, a nervous flutter erupting in her stomach, his breath warm against her skin. She had barely noticed how close they had become, his lips barely an inch away.
“I’m not asking for forever,” she damn well whispered, unintentionally. Her words were nearly as husky and sensual as his. “I’m just asking for a little more time.”
He nodded, seeming pleased to accept her answer. The contact broke and he leaned casually away from her. With that answer, he looked completely satisfied.
“And time you shall have, love.”
Chapter Twenty
“How did this happen?” Arissa nearly screamed, causing the small group of men standing with them to cringe. Nobody offered explanation, each one appearing as clueless and surprised as the next.
Moments after Arissa and Trax had left the privacy of her cabin, Captain Sayer had joined them again and after a brief introduction to her, insisted they both follow him to the borstal. By the edge in his voice and the grave expression he portrayed, Arissa felt anxiously certain something bad was waiting for them. Only a real emergency would have urged the Captain to go looking for Arissa instead of awaiting her return.
The usual people who tended the borstal were present and waiting for them, but when Arissa saw that the door leading into the small room where the prisoner had been kept was open, the worst feeling of dread immediately sunk into her stomach.
Now she was standing with the Captain and the three others, Trax next to her side, almost protectively. They all stared down at the hard floor of the small room and the still body that lay there. It was the man they had been holding since he had brought a fake bomb into the camp, another mystery that she had not yet been able to solve. She had been planning on questioning him again after she got back.
The ropes tying his hands above his head had been severed, though still bound together. There were two clear bullet wounds penetrating his chest, a sickening amount of blood having pooled around him, already partially dried.
As grotesque as the sight was, Arissa couldn’t seem to tear her eyes away. Her teeth were gritted tightly as she repeated her question. “Who did this?” she added, flashing a heated glare to each of the men filling the small room.
The Captain was the first to reply. “It was in the night. A couple of the patrols heard the shots from the camp and when they got here, they found him dead, but nobody else was around. With the threat of a security breech, I assembled a team and set out to find you immediately.”
The initial shock was beginning to pass, now Arissa just felt an overwhelming amount of aggravation consuming her. Whoever this man had been, he had likely known information that had been crucial, and now her only chance at finding it out was gone. Now she not only had to piece together the few facts she had left, but the newest, most pressing problem was a murdere
r in their camp.
“Did you question everybody? What about weapons? Somebody knows who did this and whoever killed likely knew who he was in the first place,” she ordered, her voice sounding far off, distracted. Without thinking, she caught Trax’s equally alarmed eyes, and immediately knew that he was thinking the same that she was.
Every one of their men, Trax included, had once been the General’s soldiers. While recruiting, he and Arissa were both well aware that they were completely defying the General by joining their own forces. If people were so willing to go against the General, they could just as easily turn against them, as well. Every day, she and Trax studied them, watching for any sign of defiance or the possibility of a spy, but they all seemed as equally set on revenge as they were themselves.
“Everybody was questioned and they were all stationed, training or resting. Nobody was missing and I personally checked the weaponry cache. Everything is accounted for, even ammunition.”
“So the killer didn’t use one of our guns,” Trax mused, thoughtfully. “It would have taken a few minutes for the guards to get to the borstal and then alert the rest of the camp. Somebody could have snuck here and then blended back in with the rest by the time anyone knew.”
“It’s possible, but I spoke to each of the leaders at both the training grounds and the mess areas and there was nothing suspicious reported.”
Before anyone said anything further, Arissa motioned to the three wardens. “Take care of this and clean it up right away.”
Captain Sayer and Trax moved to the door in an effort to get out of the way, but once again, Arissa couldn’t rip her eyes from the empty gaze of the man. Her instincts told her there was something about it, something she needed to know and she had been intent on finding out what it was. If she hadn’t gone off so quickly after the General in hopes of finding the Lieutenant, perhaps she would have. Now it was too late, and any chance of an advantage was dead, too.
