She’s gone.
In the end, my brother has still won. He got what he wanted- suffering. He wanted us to suffer every day for the rest of our lives, and he’s achieved it. At Lily’s expense. My brother even paid the price just to get what he wanted. My body shakes as I fight to keep from losing it.
“Mr. Harder.” I can barely hear the man speaking to me. All I can see is the white cloth being draped over her body. “Mr. Harder…” He shakes my shoulder. I shift my gaze to him. “You’ve lost a lot of blood. We need to get you to the hospital.”
I nod. Two men lift me onto a stretcher. As they wheel me out of the room, I can feel the walls closing in on me.
The last thing I see are two lifeless bodies covered, and blood seeping through.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
IT’S BEEN A WEEK SINCE LILY’S MURDER. I’m still trying to grasp the reality of being a father while helping my son cope with what he saw happen to his mother. I’ve never thought about kids until meeting Liza, and I hoped to have our own someday, but I never expected to be thrust into the role so suddenly. I don’t know the first thing about how to care for an eight-year-old, let alone one who watched his mother being shot by a psychopath. Ollie seems to prefer the presence of the women over us men, so I try not to push him. Liza and my mother have been brilliant at making him feel safe, though we all understand that it will be a very long time before he actually does. I don’t know when I’ll feel safe again, either. When I can’t sleep, I wander down to his room and just stand in the door frame watching him. Watching over him, too.
Devin has given me some advice in the fatherhood department. I appreciate all the help he’s giving me and I know how hard it must be on him. He practically raised Ollie, and I’m determined that he will always be a part of Ollie’s life. But with Devin comes memories of Lily. We’ve had discussions about her, shared remembrances. It was bittersweet, as if we were talking about two different people at the same time. And we were. We were in her life during completely different times.
We each knew a different Lily.
There was a private burial service for my brother yesterday. A total of six people attended. My mother, Liza, Eli, the FBI agents, and myself. The service was more for my mother. The rest of us needed to witness justice being served as they lowered his casket into the ground. We told my mother the truth about everything. She handled it better than I’d expected. It was no secret how far into darkness my brother had ventured, but I think it broke her heart to hear the details. Being a father now myself, I can understand how she feels.
Today, we’re gathering to remember Lily. Ollie has had a hard time this morning and is refusing to come out of his room. He keeps screaming and throwing things around. He lost his mother and ended up with a stranger for a father on the same day. As confusing as it’s been for me, it’s been completely earth-shattering for him. So, we go slowly.
My mother and Liza have spent the better part of the morning trying to calm him down. I made an attempt to talk to him, but he won’t respond. Devin is on his way to see what he can do.
I pace the room as Liza makes another attempt to calm Ollie down. We’re all dealing with various states of anger, and none of us knows the right way to handle any of it. I look my watch again as I hear the driveway gates open. I walk to the window and see the Devin’s white Jeep Wrangler. I let out a sigh of relief and exit the living room to meet him at the front door.
He shakes my hand with more warmth than I thought he was capable of. “Thanks for coming.”
“How’s he doing?” he asks.
“He’s angry…we all are, though. But he won’t speak to us now. Liza made an appointment with her therapist, but he’s not up for that, either.”
“I’ll see what I can do.” I watch him disappear up the stairs before I sag against the wall by the front door. This week has been hell. I haven’t been able to sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I’m sucked back into the room, and find myself reliving the whole thing over and over again. I’m lucky to have Liza; she’s been extremely patient and kind.
I sit down next to the wall, bury my head in my hands, and reflect on everything that has happened. I’m a different person now. I’ve faced death twice and both times I’ve come out alive. I’ll never be the same person again. None of us will. Especially Ollie. He’s lost his mother, something that’ll be with him forever. Things are going to be hard. I know they are. I make a promise as I sit there to do my very best when it comes to him. I’ll never let him forget his mother or the wonderful person she was. I’m going to tell him stories of the things we did, the places we went when he was younger. And how, despite her circumstances, she always managed to smile. Ollie has a long road ahead of him. Grief has many stages and I plan to be right by his side for every one of them. I’m not sure how things will turn out for him but I have to have faith that one day he’ll be okay. I have to hope that he’ll remember the good times with his mom and know that he carries her love with him.
Devin and Ollie come out of his room. Ollie doesn’t say anything as he walks toward me, but he seems to be doing better. I push myself off the floor. I look over to Devin, who smiles and nods. It’s all the reassurance I need.
“Those two are going to be just fine.” I hear my mother’s voice. I glance over and see her and Liza standing there watching us. Tears brim Liza’s eyes and I smile toward her.
My mother is right. We are going to be fine.
It isn’t long before we’re ready to leave and head to the memorial service for Lily. I hold Liza’s hand as we head downtown. She squeezes it lightly and I offer her a small smile. The drive is quiet and I keep looking in the mirror at Ollie, who stares out the window in the back seat. It doesn’t take long to reach the destination. I park the car, sit there for a moment, and take several deep breaths. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. This isn’t a goodbye but a see you later. But it doesn’t make it any easier. We climb out of the car and head inside the small church that Devin had chosen for the service. There aren’t many people here except for us and the few agents who knew her. Marco arrives with his men and they sit along the back of the church.
The service is beautiful and perfect for remembering Lily. A couple of people, including Devin and his partner, get up to talk about Lily and the many reasons why they loved her and how she touched their lives. Eventually Ollie gets up, and my body tenses. I know this is hard and I send a little prayer that he has the strength to get through it. There is a standstill silence that settles in the air as we all watch him climb the steps to the podium. He pulls out a piece of paper he had folded up and stuck in his jeans. He clears his throat and takes a deep breath.
“My mother…” His voice breaks. Ollie pauses for a moment and takes another breath. “My mother was the best mother there was. She was funny and always made me laugh. She kissed my knees whenever I fell and scraped them. She fought the monsters under my bed with an imaginary sword and she always sang around the house.” His voice is shaky and he takes another second to gather himself. “I’m sad she’s gone but I know she’s watching over me in heaven. She always told me that’s where people go when they die and so I know she’s up there singing to all the other angels and making them laugh. I will never forget her and I’ll always remember how much she loved me. I love you, Mom. I hope you can still battle the monsters from heaven.”
Tears stream down my face and I wipe them away. I hear sniffles throughout the room and I’m pretty positive there isn’t a dry eye in the church. Ollie stops in front of the photo of his mother and places a kiss on it. Liza lets out a soft cry and I wrap my arm around her and pull her close to me. Ollie starts to walk toward us but not before he stops to say something to Devin. He gives him a hug and then comes to sit by me. I put my arm on the back of his chair and he leans into me. I place my hand on his shoulder and squeeze it lightly. The minister finishes the service with a prayer and we all walk to the front of the room to say our final goodbyes.
I didn’t get up
to say anything because I knew I wouldn’t be able to. After everyone has their chance to say what they need to say, they file out of the building one by one and leave me to have a moment alone. I reach out and caress the urn that holds her ashes. I trace the lines of the elegant engraving along the soft pink urn and my chest feels heavy. Tears start to slowly slide down my face and I choke back sob. This isn’t fair. Lily shouldn’t have had to die. Standing here and looking down at the porcelain jar I want to scream at the injustice of it all but I know that won’t change anything. I can’t travel back in time and change what’s happened. What’s done is done. I look over to the picture of Lily smiling brightly at me and a small smile forms across my face.
I remember when the photo was taken. It was just a couple weeks before the first time I lost her in the house fire. We had gone hiking and she was standing off in the distance looking down at the city below. Ollie was sound asleep in the baby carrier on her back and I took the opportunity to capture her beauty. I pulled the out the camera and zoomed in to her face. I called her name and she turned to look at me. A smile flashed across her face just as I snapped the photograph. I couldn’t believe how perfect it was and still to this day it remains one of my favorite photos of her. It was one of the last times I saw that she was truly happy. We were alone in the middle of nowhere and nothing could touch us. If I had known that was one of the last times I would have seen her I would have taken advantage of it, and probably wouldn’t have wanted to ever leave.
“I’m sorry, Lily,” I finally say. “I’m sorry for everything.” My throat is thick and I take a breath. “I promise that Liza and I will take good care of Ollie. I promise to remind him every day how much you loved him and I will make sure he remembers you as you were…his mother. I promise I will do everything I can to make sure he grows up to be a good man. And I promise to love him with every fiber of my being. I promise to show him the same love that you showed him on a daily basis. I love you, Lily.”
I sit for a little bit longer before deciding that it’s time to go. As I exit the church, I leave a little piece of my heart in there with Lily. The sky is gloomy when I get outside and I head towards the car where everyone is waiting. I walk slowly, not ready to leave, and take several slow breaths. I know I need to be strong. I wave to Devin as he climbs into his car and pause outside the driver’s side door. Thunder rolls across the sky and I look up. A jolt of lightning flashes against the dark clouds just as they open up and the rain begins to fall. The weather matches the mood of today—dark and despair.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
“LIZA?” I CALL OUT TO HER as I enter our bedroom. I’m exhausted and ready to go to bed but I can’t yet. We need to talk. We have to have the talk that both of us have been avoiding for the last few weeks. “In here.” Her voice drifts out from the closet. I walk toward the sound, pausing outside the entrance and taking a moment to collect myself. I walk in and my heart drops. I try to form the words in my head to explain what I’m seeing but I can’t think straight. She’s running… I watch as she packs more clothes into one of the large cardboard boxes resting on the round ottoman. Liza doesn’t acknowledge me, focusing entirely on the task at hand. My mouth is dry, my breathing shallow, and I try to force the lump in my throat to go down.
“Liza?” I say softly.
She doesn’t look at me and grabs a stack of papers she had shoved at the back of the top drawer of her dresser. “Yeah?”
“What are you doing?” I ask, silently hoping it isn’t what it looks like. Things have been going good for the most part. With the exception that both of us keep avoiding the inevitable.
She laughs and shakes her head. “This isn’t what it looks like, Reid.”
My body tenses and I look into her eyes. “Then what?”
“Well, I, uh…I realized the only way we can have a future together is by letting go of the past. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m packing up everything and finally getting rid of it.” She looks over at the boxes and back to me. “I may have changed everything about me, hidden who I was and pretended that Elizabeth Lewis never existed, but I was a fool. My past is a part of me, a piece of who I am, and that’s something I can never forget. Something I no longer want to forget.”
I blink a few times and try to think of what to say, but words are failing me right now. This beautiful woman in front of me has changed so much in the last year, more so, in the last few weeks. She has grown, she has blossomed, and more importantly, she is no longer the same person I met. She’s stronger, braver, and I love her so damn much. I pull her into my arms and press my lips against hers. There’s so much I want to say but I can’t so I put it all into the kiss. “We need to talk,” I mutter against her lips.
Liza pulls away, brushes my cheek with her fingers, and smiles. “We don’t need to right now. We have all the time in the world.”
“No.” I grab her by the hand, sit on the floor by the ottoman, and pull her into my lap. “It’s time we have the long talk we’ve both been avoiding.”
“Really, Reid.” She shakes her head. “You’ve been through a lot. We don’t have to talk about things right now.”
I smile. “I should’ve told you about Lily.” I sigh. “Hell, I should’ve told you about Rhett and everything else.”
“Reid––”-
I ignore her and continue. “I just never told anyone about it before. I never thought I would fall in love again and then I met you. Suddenly, I wanted to tell you everything but I got it into my head that if you knew…you’d think I was a monster.”
“You aren’t a monster. You were young. We all make mistakes,” she says softly.
“I wish people would stop chalking it up to being young and stupid on my part. I knew what I was doing and I knew the kind of man my brother was but I didn’t care. I wanted him to hurt the way he hurt me. When my sister died it broke me, and it was his fault. He lured her into that lifestyle and then didn’t stop to think of what it would do to her. I did nothing to help her either. I let her do whatever she wanted, thinking she’d figure it out herself, and I was wrong. I blamed myself as much as I blamed him. And then, I thought the same when I watched the house burn down and thought Lily and Ollie were in there.”
“But they weren’t.”
I take a deep breath and sigh. “No, they weren’t. But then all this happened and I lost hindsight of what is important to me. What was right in front of me…you. I was so caught up on the past and my brother that I shoved you aside. I hurt you and that’s not something I can take back. And for that, I’m sorry. More than you’ll ever know.
“Don’t forget, this all started with my crazy, twisted family.” She laughs softly at her feeble attempt at a joke. “Reid, look at me.” She pulls away from my chest and turns my head so our eyes find one another. “Everyone has a past. It’s like your mother said, we can’t let our past define us. We can’t let our mistakes take control. We need to accept them and move on. It’s taken the both of us a while to get here but we did it. Don’t you see, we’ve been through so much and together; we made it. Lily’s death is hard on everyone but she would want you to be happy. She wouldn’t have made any other choice than she did that day. I heard everything. I know that’s hard to live with but that’s a choice she made. Not you, remember that.”
“When did you get so smart?” I laugh softly.
“Right around the same time I realized I was doing exactly what you’re doing…blaming yourself. It isn’t the way to live. I’m tired of hiding. I want to live my life. I want a future. I want a family. I want to know how a family should be. And I want it all with you. Once I realized that, I realized that it doesn’t matter that my family was dysfunctional in the worst way possible. It doesn’t matter that Jared killed my mother or the fact that because of my mother another person grew up with a twisted childhood that led her on a path of revenge. What matters is, is that through it all, I survived it, and it led to you.”
My heart swells with more love for Liza than
I ever thought possible. I pull her in for another kiss and she laughs against me. The kiss is full of passion, full of love, and sweeps us away. Liza breaks the kiss first. She giggles softly then places a kiss on the tip of my nose followed by one on my forehead.
“So you see,” she says, “everything happens for a reason. We’ve lost some people along the way. Some more devastating than the others. But everything that has happened set all this in motion. We were destined to be together from the start but instead of getting there like normal people do, we had to go through hell first. Then again, when do we ever do things the right way?”
I know what she’s saying and while she’s right, it’s so hard to agree. People shouldn’t have had to die in order for us to be together. It’s not right. “But-“
“No buts, Reid,” she says sharply. “We can’t change what’s happened. What’s done is done. All we can do is take what life has handed us and move forward. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for Lily and Ollie.” She pauses for a moment and looks away. “Do it for me,” she adds softly.
I nuzzle my head into the nook of her neck. I inhale the familiar lavender scent that I have come dependent upon smelling each and every day. Liza holds me and rubs my back as I let everything sink in. The sound of falling footsteps lull me out of my comfort state and I pull away. Ollie appears in the doorway of the closet. His hair a shaggy mess and he’s rubbing his eyes.
“Ollie, honey, are you okay?” Liza asks as she stands. She crosses the distance between the two of them and pulls him into her arms. The sight surprises me. During my time of mourning and avoiding, I never noticed how close the two have gotten in the past couple of weeks.
“Another bad dream,” he says, still half asleep. She sighs and tightens her arms around him. “And I’m missing my mom.”
An idea hits me. “I know something that might help you,” I say as I rise off the floor. I walk past the two of them and back into the bedroom. “Follow me,” I call out.
If I Say No (Say Something #2) Page 20
