“Why’d you buy that huge four-bedroom house?” she shot back, then smiled gleefully when I had no answer.
Gah! My sister was infuriating sometimes. “Look, it’s not that I don’t want a relationship that eventually turns into something more—”
“Exactly! Subconsciously, you do want to have a family, but you can’t commit and you don’t allow yourself to even try.”
“Maybe I haven’t met the woman worth trying for?” I piped up, exasperated.
She gave a soft snort. “When have you ever taken a risk on anyone or anything…?”
I wanted to ignore everything she had said but, of course, she had a point when it came to my past. I hadn’t really dealt with our dad leaving and our mom dying. It was easier to just live in the present. Maybe Addie was right. I knew deep down that my issues with my parents kept me from pursuing meaningful relationships.
Truthfully, if what had happened to Addie in her relationship with Brad had happened to me, I know for a fact my reaction would have been a lot worse than hers. I would have let that betrayal in and allowed it consume me, and eventually destroy me. Addie had been devastated but she’d weathered that moment and chose to not let it rule her life. I knew that her concept and understanding about relationships, in general, was likely a lot more realistic and open than my idea of it. I just had a very difficult time seeing things her way.
What if I wasn’t as different from my dad as I wanted to believe? What if I put my trust in someone and they lied to me repeatedly like my mom had? Or left me when I thought I could rely on them, and had truly believed they’d be there for me, no matter what? Addie was right. Our parents’ actions had done a number on me and they’d shaped who I was now. I was afraid to let anyone in and give them the chance to damage me even more. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go through that again, and survive.
*****
After the intense conversation with Addie, I needed to get out of the office. Luckily I had told Simone that I would stop by her apartment to discuss the Marital Settlement Agreement. The informal meeting hadn’t taken long, just an hour. I had planned on leaving after we’d gone over the details, but Simone wanted to take Stella out to play. It was sunny, hardly a breeze, and the best weather we’d had in days. She’d invited me to join them and I couldn’t say no. So I didn’t.
I walked the few blocks with the girls to the park and found a bench by the large playground area. It was a popular spot and pretty busy. Parents drank from coffee mugs and idly watched over their kids while chatting it up with the neighbors.
I watched Stella for a few minutes. “She seems happy,” I noted and glanced over at Simone, sitting on my right.
“She is, she really is…” Simone smiled softly toward her daughter, who was playing in the sandbox with a couple other toddlers.
I dug into my messenger bag and took out my phone to take a few pictures of her playing. I wasn’t one to take constant photos of myself or document everything I did on social media. In fact, I barely had a footprint on the Internet, but I couldn’t deny myself a selfie of Simone and me, which she agreed to with a charming laugh. I had an urge to analyze the picture of us but refrained, just barely. I leaned back and just enjoyed the morning and the lovely company.
She turned slightly toward me after a couple seconds, a hand on my arm. “Kyle, I wanted to thank you for recommending Dr. Hamilton. I don’t think I’ve told you how much I appreciate you suggesting therapy. She’s been really great and has helped me a lot this past month. I knew I had issues about my past and my childhood but… she’s been amazing.”
I wrapped my free hand over hers and smiled. “Of course. Stephanie works with the courts quite often and she’s an excellent therapist.”
Some flicker of emotion crossed Simone’s face before she looked down then back at me. “Stephanie…?” She paused. “Oh. Dr. Hamilton’s name… You two are… close?” she asked, her voice guarded.
“We’re friends,” I told her, glancing around the playground.
“You two dated, huh?”
That question threw me. Since I took Simone on as my client, we’ve had face-to-face visits on an almost weekly basis and had each other’s full contact info. We’d texted quite often—not all business-related, sure, but we’ve kept our conversations… safe. What details we’d learned about each other was volunteered, not asked.
She’s never really asked anything personal directly. Until now. We were still at that awkward phase of getting to know one another on a more intimate level so there was a lot of hesitation that we both felt and hadn’t fully discussed head-on. I didn’t want to push her by being too invasive and I think she felt the same, though I hoped that wouldn’t always be the case. The complications of our pasts certainly didn’t help, but I genuinely liked Simone and admired her inner strength. And I liked the fact she felt comfortable enough to ask me anything that was on her mind, personal or not.
“A little,” I admitted, “but we were better suited as colleagues.”
“Oh.”
That one little word made me frown. What did that mean? And her expression and tone of voice alerted me that something was off. That I’d said the wrong thing. When she removed her hand and sat back, I immediately felt a distance from her that I didn’t like at all. “Is something—”
“Well, thank you for the recommendation,” she interrupted softly. Her hands were in her lap, fingers fidgeting with the soft-looking fabric of her dress.
I stared at her profile, my eyes traveling to her mouth, the curve of her cheek and jaw, then lower, down her throat, the rise and fall of her chest… She was wearing a low-cut spring dress that hugged her body, and since I first saw her at the apartment two hours ago, it had left my mind racing with inappropriate thoughts. I forced my gaze off her entirely and shifted uneasily in my seat. I was in a plain white tee and jeans, but I felt like I was wearing more based on how I was starting to sweat.
“Sure, no problem. So, ah… did you have any other questions about the MSA?” I started, clearing my throat. Talking about work helped me keep my thoughts clean.
Just then, an older couple approached our bench. “You mind?” the older man asked, a little red in the face. “Wifey’s a little winded from the grandkids and this bench is closest for us to keep an eye on ‘em.”
“Oh! Yes, please, sit,” Simone urged. She scooted toward me. I lifted my right arm and settled it along the back of the bench. I’d already been sitting near the edge but the other couple took up a lot of space. Simone was pressed into my body like she’d been glued there.
I wasn’t complaining that her hand was now on my thigh to help her balance, and it was damn near killing me. I settled my messenger bag in my lap so I didn’t have someone calling the cops on me.
“I’m Kurt and this is Cindy.” The gentleman introduced himself and his wife as we did the same.
“Which ones are yours?” Simone asked.
Kurt pointed to three boys, the oldest not looking more than ten years old. “Got the grandbabies for the weekend,” he said with pride, using his pageboy hat to fan himself.
His wife smiled on. She didn’t look remotely winded but glanced at the two of us with a twinkle in her eyes. “Which one is yours?” she repeated back.
Simone tensed slightly but I answered first. I pointed to the sandbox. “Stella. She’s in the white hat and blue dress.”
Kurt and Cindy ‘oohed and awed’ appropriately and it made me chuckle a little. Just then Stella had joined in a game of tag and appeared to be having a blast. We all laughed when the other toddlers started chasing her while giggling and shrieking.
“So precious…” Cindy said on a sigh and looked between Simone and me. “Your daughter is beautiful.”
“Thank you,” Simone murmured.
“Wish I could say I had something to do with that, but it was all Simone here,” I told the older couple.
Simone looked up at me, a questioning expression on her face as I looked down at her.
“You okay, sweetheart?” I asked, winking at her. My fingers played with the ends of her long hair.
“Uh-huh,” she said, sounding a little winded herself. “You?”
I smiled. “Couldn’t be better…”
*****
On our way back to Simone’s apartment, Stella asleep in her stroller, we were both quiet, contemplative, and in our own heads. I was looking at my phone, reviewing the pictures of me and Simone, Simone and Stella, me and Stella—all of which made me grin like an idiot.
When she bumped her shoulder into my left arm, I looked over and smiled. “What’s got you smiling like that?” she asked lightly. “A hot date or something?”
I laughed and reached out, placing my hand on the back of her neck and squeezing it gently. I liked how she relaxed into my touch now and no longer tensed. I didn’t keep my hand there too long, though. “Dating… not really. At least, not lately,” I started, dropping my hand but letting my fingertips trail the spot between her shoulder blades.
She shivered. “No?” she asked, sounding confused.
“Yeah, I know,” I said dryly. “I date a lot but not as much as Trent.”
She snickered. “Uh-huh.” She bumped into me again. “So what’s got you hiding out from the female population?”
Again, I had to laugh at her teasing and how comfortable I felt around her. “I don’t know… a lot of things, I guess.” I paused. I couldn’t tell her that lately she was the only woman I seemed to notice. Instead, I blurted out the other thought that was weighing heavily on my mind. “Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mom’s death…” I said to her, rather bluntly surprising myself that I was sharing this information with her.
Simone gasped, stopping the stroller and facing me. “Kyle—I’m… so sorry,” she whispered.
I shrugged. “It was a long time ago, Simone, but Addie said something earlier today… it made me think, reassess.”
She gave me a hug, one that I savored and one that I missed when she let go. It was never long enough. She held my hand and looked up at me with sympathy in her pretty brown eyes. “Losing a parent is never easy. I know, believe me. If you ever need to talk about it, I’m here for you, okay?”
I didn’t know why, but those words, from her hit me square in the chest. The look in her eyes, the sadness in her voice, her sympathy for what happened to me long ago… it tugged at me hard. I pulled her back in for another hug; emotional in ways I hadn’t been since finding my mom’s body. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and held Simone to me like she could somehow save me from my own demons. Demons I’d never acknowledged before and tried to sweep aside—and I was good at it. Her arms were around me, holding on just as firmly, and it was everything I needed in that moment.
Addie had asked what I’d ever risked?
The answer was ‘nothing’.
Simone let me hold on, much longer than necessary, but it felt good and her presence was comforting. I really needed to stop touching her, I just couldn’t help it. When I released her, some deep, dark part of me knew I’d risk anything when it came to her and Stella. I pushed that thought away as soon as it’d entered my mind because Simone saw me as a friend, her lawyer. After things were finalized, she wouldn’t have any reason to need me. Knowing that kind of hurt.
“Thank you,” I finally said at last, “I appreciate it, and I might take you up on that someday.”
“Good,” she said, sounding pleased. When Stella made a slight noise in her stroller, it broke the moment. It was a good kind of a break.
It allowed me to compose myself. “So, have you thought much of the future?” I asked, as we resumed our slow walk toward her apartment. “What you want to do?”
“I want to finish college,” she said with certainty. “I’m trying to save up enough money so I can take a couple courses this fall.” She frowned, and I could tell she was a little apprehensive about that plan. “I’m trying to get an online class and Marla offered to watch Stella a couple times a week if I have a regular class.”
She hated to ask for help so I knew that’s where her hesitancy stemmed from.
“That would be great. Have you decided what you want to major in?”
She nodded. “Yeah, early childhood education. I would love to teach kindergarten someday,” she answered.
I loved learning new things about her. Simone was really an exceptional woman and I was happy to see her working toward her dreams.
“What made you want to be a teacher?” I asked, wanting to know even more.
“Well, growing up the way I did, I never had much stability, but my teachers were the one constant in my life. A couple did the bare minimum to get through the day, but a majority of them truly cared about their students.” She paused, the memories bringing a smile to her face. “The ones that took an interest in me made me feel like I could do anything I wanted, like I was worthy of something better. I want to be able to make the same kind of difference in the lives of other kids who might be struggling like I was.”
“That’s really amazing. I know any student of yours would be lucky to have a teacher like you,” I said, hoping she heard the sincerity in my words.
She gave me a big smile then a sly look in my direction. “So. Why did you become a lawyer?” she asked, turning the tables on me.
I took a deep breath. I didn’t often share personal things about myself but I liked that Simone was curious. “Honestly, I like being able to help people when they feel they’re most vulnerable. A lot of my clients need to feel like someone is in their corner and I like to be that person for them. My mom went through a lot when my dad left. She started using drugs around that time. My grandmother told me she blamed the stress of the divorce for her turning to heroin. I never want anyone to feel that lost, that desperate. That’s also why I volunteer at the recovery center on Second Street.”
“I didn’t know you volunteered there,” she said with a look of surprise on her face. “I think that’s a really great thing.”
“When you mentioned Brad’s possible substance abuse, it made me see red. I wanted to make sure you and Stella were protected,” I said, choosing my words carefully. “I grew up with a drug addict. The damage that comes from that never completely goes away. I wouldn’t want Stella to go through what I did.”
When I looked back over to her I could see her eyes glassy with emotion. “Wow,” I heard her mutter under her breath as she looked back down at the stroller.
I reached over to move the lock of hair that had fallen in her face behind her ear. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“I am. It’s crazy that we had such similar upbringings. I’m lucky to have somebody in my life who can understand some of what I’ve been through,” she said quietly but with feeling. “Makes me feel less alone.”
“Yeah.” It was all I could say since the emotion of our conversation was getting to me.
Before any more could be said, Stella started fussing again. By then, we were at her apartment. I followed them up the stairs, carrying the stroller, but I hung back at the door when we reached the top.
“Are you leaving?” Simone asked, holding Stella, who was rubbing her eyes still trying to wake up.
“Yeah, I’ve got a few more things to work on back at the office before I can start my weekend.”
I couldn’t help but notice the look of disappointment on her face. Was she upset that I was leaving? Did she enjoy spending time with me as much as I enjoyed spending time with her? I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts.
“I guess I’ll see you Monday at our meeting,” she said, standing on her toes to plant a kiss on my cheek.
At least I think that was the spot she’d been aiming for, but I turned my head at the same time, and her lips landed on the corner of my mouth instead. Because I was still turning my head, my lips brushed against hers. She jerked back, startling Stella, her face turning pink in an instant. Lips tingling, I stared at her mouth then away and when I looked back, Simone’s eyes had lower
ed, staring at the ground.
“Thank you for this morning,” she said, her voice shaky, and she wouldn’t look at me, “for everything you’re doing for Stella and me.”
“Um, I… yeah… I-I’ll see you next week,” I stuttered like an idiot, still feeling her lips on my skin, everywhere. “Call or text if anything… for anything…”
“Okay, bye, Kyle. Thanks again for going over the settlement with me,” she said, finally lifting her eyes and meeting mine. There was always a moment when we were together that I felt a deep connection with Simone, and it appeared to be getting stronger the more we saw each other. Did she sense that connection, too, or was it all in my head? And why did my thoughts keep going to places that I had no right to think about?
“Bye, Simone. Bye, Stella,” I said, receiving a smile from the little one.
When I got into my car, I tried to focus on anything other than the way I felt when I was alone with Simone. How could two hours feel so good, so right? I rested my head back, heart beating fast and hard in my chest. We still had a couple more months before all this was over and done with. I had a feeling they were going to be a longest months of my life.
*****
Surf, pizza, beer, and the San Diego Padres’ game were on today’s agenda, but my thoughts kept going back to Simone. Always back to her. This entire weekend, I’d been wrestling with something I could no longer deny.
I had it pretty bad for Simone.
Since Friday, all I could think about was her; our time at the playground, her mouth, pretty much everything about her. I couldn’t lie to myself about what I was feeling anymore. It was a fact, and the sooner I realized that, the easier I could deal with it without causing any damage. How I could reconcile that fact and still act as her lawyer was going to be torture. I also wasn’t entirely sure about Simone’s feelings. She was going through a lot and relying on me. I didn’t want to mistake her behavior for something it wasn’t and ruin a real friendship with her, if that was still in the cards.
Falling for the Unexpected (Life Unexpected Book 1) Page 13
