All those thoughts raced through my head and made my stomach feel weird.
I sat there for a little while, strumming chords. My eyes casually looking to the window, waiting to see the light turn on.
Come on, mystery girl…
I waited an hour and she never showed.
When I finally got up out of the chair, I stood at the railing and stared.
“Cros?”
I shut my eyes and swallowed hard.
I turned and saw Cindi standing there. “Hey, sis…”
“Please don’t throw my stuffed animals out.”
“Ah, shit,” I whispered. I walked to Cindi and scooped her up into my arms. She put her head on my shoulder. “I’m not going to throw your stuffed animals out.”
I walked her back to her bedroom and tucked her in again.
I read the damn book again too.
Then I wandered through the apartment. I kept checking to see if the mystery girl had shown up.
She never did.
In fact, I never saw her again…
40
GOING AWAY…
NOW
Crosby
I lifted the bag of clothes out of the trash and carried it to the back door.
“I have to get this outside,” I said to Cindi. “It smells terrible.”
“Cans are right out back,” she said. “Same place as always.”
“Mind if I have a smoke while I’m out there?”
“You’re a grown man,” Cindi said.
“Yeah. But I figured I would just ask,” I said.
“Bad enough you just show up… and then spend the night…”
“Is that wrong?”
Cindi hesitated. “No.”
“Look, I’ll just take this out and leave then. I don’t want anything bad to happen here.”
“Bad?”
“Noah hates me,” I said. “Always will. You and I have been playing phone tag for… a long time. On purpose. You needed your distance from me. Which I get. I don’t blame you for that, sis. And then I needed my own distance. Everything about this house…”
“I know,” Cindi said. “It screams him. I can’t let it go though. Noah always wanted to sell. He still does. I just can’t. This house is everything to me.”
I opened the back door and went outside.
I threw out the smoky running clothes, which only did so much for me. My skin still smelled like the fire. My hair too. I slept in the basement on a couch after I warned Cindi the smell would be there for a while.
She didn’t care.
We drank whiskey and told stories.
For the first time in years, she felt like my sister again.
Until the morning came.
I stood there and lit up a cigarette.
All I could think about was Josie. I told Cindi everything about her. That she was the mystery girl next door all those years ago. That I met her again and I fell in love with her. That she was beautiful, and her heart was twisted in a way that I understood. And what I had said to her last night was wrong yet true. And that was just something that stuck inside me. Loving Josie was easy to do. But if the truth hurt her… and it hurt me… was the love worth it then?
Cindi stepped outside and hugged herself. “Coffee is on.”
“Thanks,” I said. “But I’m not staying. I need to get back home.”
“You don’t have to run. Or stay away.”
“I don’t know what my place is here, Cindi,” I said. “All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. From the time you were a kid until now. I never knew if you were ever happy with Noah, but I didn’t want to be the overbearing brother that messed things up.” I laughed. “And that’s what I became, in a different way.”
Cindi looked down. “There was so much that happened. All at once. And nobody knew where to put their emotions. That’s the truth, Cros. Everyone wanted someone to blame just to take the pain away for a second.”
“That’s usually how it goes,” I said.
“But we’re family. We’re all we have.”
“And I can’t let anything else bad happen to you, sis,” I said. “If me staying away keeps that bad from happening, then I’m going to do it.”
“I don’t want you to stay away,” she said. “I need you to know that. What I said before… what I did…”
“I deserved it,” I said. I looked at her. “It haunted me. It always will. You know I wasn’t trying to get fit. I was trying to hurt myself. I timed everything out. I thought I could fix it. But I can’t. I can’t fix a thing.”
“You saved a little girl last night, Cros,” Cindi said.
“That wasn’t the person I was supposed to save.”
Cindi swallowed hard. “Yeah, but you know what? Just to know that those parents will never understand the pain and loss I feel… it sort of makes things okay. And you did that. You kept that pain from them.”
“I was supposed to keep pain from you.”
“And you did. You always did.”
“Except when it counted the most.”
I smoked, and Cindi gently touched my hand. “We can figure this out, Cros. I can’t lose you for good. Why did you come here last night?”
“Because I lost everything,” I said. “I saved Meadow and I lost Josie. I realized I lost Nicholas too. I will never get to go back in time and save him. So, I wanted to come to you. And show you that I actually am broken. That it sticks with me as much as it sticks with you. That I feel pain. That I feel regret. That I… hate myself.”
“For all of that, I love you,” Cindi said. “You’re my big brother. I know what you were doing. I’m sorry I lost myself and pushed you away. But we can go forward now.”
I finished my smoke and hugged her. “I have to get going. There’s a lot I have to figure out.”
“Don’t screw it up with that girl,” Cindi said. “She makes you happy.”
“How the hell do you know that?”
“Because when you talk about her, your face changes. You light up. It’s weird. I’ve never seen you that way before.”
“Right. Thanks.”
I opened the back door to grab my keys, but Cindi blocked the way. “And don’t ignore my calls. Or texts. Or I’ll come find you and punch you.”
“You do that, and I’ll throw your stuffed animals away.”
“I don’t have any.”
“Liar,” I said.
She laughed. “I’ve missed you, big brother.”
“I’ve missed you, sis. Thanks for the whiskey. For the night. For the talk.”
“Always,” she said.
I walked to the front of the house and opened the door only to be faced with Noah. His aged face covered in scruff, an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips. The same evil glare he always had. Even the first time he held Nicholas, he had that same look on his face. If I wanted to be an asshole and make a joke of it, I’d call it the resting Noah face.
“Don’t worry,” I said to him. “I’m just leaving.”
“Shut the door, Crosby. We need to talk.”
I pulled the door shut and stood there just to humor Noah. In reality, I could have thrown the punch I had been wanting to throw for a long time. Knock him over the railing and just walk away for good.
But Cindi wanted to move forward. Which meant I wanted to moved forward too.
“Talk away,” I said.
“You look like shit.”
“Have you looked in the mirror lately?”
Noah nodded. “Right. I heard everything you two were talking about. And something bad brought you here.”
“Your point?”
“I’m not sure yet,” Noah said. “But let me make something clear. I love my wife. Maybe I’m not the kind of husband women dream about. I’m not perfect in a lot of ways. All I know is how to provide and through that is my love.”
“I want nothing to do with your marriage, Noah. I never did. I respected my sister’s wishes.”
“You did,” he s
aid. “I owe you credit for that. And she worked her ass off to keep this house in place while my back was out. And I know you did the same too. You were this happy bubble of bullshit, Crosby. I never bought in. But it made Cindi happy. And it made Nicholas happy.”
Just his name made my heart jump.
Noah held his unlit cigarette between his fingers and he pointed at me. “I’ll never forgive you, Crosby. I’ll never forget. I’ll never let time force me to let things go. Ever. At the same time, you’re my brother-in-law. If my wife needs you in her life, then you need to be in her life.”
“The question is, Noah, are you going to take another swing at me?” I asked. “Because let me make one thing very clear… you had your fucking time. I was your punching bag and I was okay with it. But if you so much as even look at me the wrong way, I’m going to drop you. There are two things we can agree on. First, we both love Cindi. She needs us. She needs family. And two, we both don’t understand the other’s pain. For the sake of Cindi, I’ll be here. For the memory of Nicholas, I’ll forever feel hurt and guilt.”
“You said you were leaving, right?” Noah said.
That ended our conversation.
I walked down the steps and realized I was sober. It was the first time I came and went from Cindi’s house sober. I used to pull up to the house and smile from ear to ear. No matter what was going on in my life, showing up here and knowing Nicholas would be waiting for me always made me happy. No matter how crazy his stories or questions were, he always made me happy.
Uncle Cros, why don’t stars fall out of the sky?
Uncle Cros, why don’t girls have pee-pees?
Uncle Cros, why do my farts smell like eggs?
Uncle Cros, do worms have feelings?
I sat in my truck for a minute and stared at the house. Noah smoking on the porch. The front yard clean of toys. There would probably never be any toys there ever again. I didn’t quite know or understand the life my sister wanted to live there. But it was her life.
Just like my life was mine.
And I had to get home and think about things.
I took the longest shower of my life and put on fresh clothes. I craved a cup of coffee and a long run in a really bad way. One of the two seemed more important, so my sights were set on the kitchen.
When I saw Jonny sitting in a chair in the dining room, it didn’t surprise me. He came over whenever he felt like it. He had a key to my house. All things considered with Josie, I should have probably warned Jonny to knock before entering.
Josie.
How’d that work out for you, Cros?
Jonny quickly stood up. “I take off for a couple of days and you’re running into burning houses?”
“How the hell…”
“Doesn’t matter,” Jonny said. “What the hell were you thinking?”
“I was thinking about the family inside the house,” I said. “And I just went for it.”
“You sure about that, Cros?”
“Are you sure about that beard you’re trying to grow? Looks like someone glued pubes on your face.”
Jonny grinned. “I missed you, man.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Eh, not all that much,” he said. “Can we talk?”
“Can we talk?” I asked. “That doesn’t sound so good, Jonny.”
“I’ve been sick to my stomach for hours.”
“Bad tacos?” I asked. “Or too much whiskey? I told you not to try and impress a woman by drinking. That only leads to problems.”
“Cros, listen to me,” Jonny said. “Please.”
“Okay. What’s up?”
“Jackie made me an offer,” he said.
“Okay.”
“He wants me to record. As me.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jonny said. “I guess my image works somehow. He says I look rough and tough country. Not that I’m going for a look, but… I don’t know, man. The music. Right? I get to record my music. And sing my songs.”
“What’s the plan?”
“Well, when I was out there, he had me play a set. Just three songs. It was amazing, Cros. Amazing. I’ve never been a front man before. And then the next night he made me play another set. There were hundreds of people there. For me.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“What does that mean for us?” Jonny asked. “If I do this, I’m heading out to Nashville and staying there. I’m going to move there, Cros. I’m going to live there. I’m going to record and make this happen.”
I stepped toward him. “Listen, brother. You’ve been in my corner for a long time. But if this is what you want, then go. You have to do this.”
“What about you?” he asked. “Come with me. Let’s do this together.”
“No,” I said. I grabbed Jonny’s shoulder. “This is your time. This is your chance.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
“I talked to Jackie and he made it clear nothing changes for you.”
“Thanks for thinking of me,” I said.
“Cros, promise me we’ll keep writing though. I want you to help me write songs.”
“Always,” I said.
“Okay. Promise me something else.”
“You’re pushing your luck, Jonny.”
“Play your songs,” he said. “Seriously. Go back to it, Cros. Play your songs.”
“Worry about yourself,” I said. “And worry about where you’re going to get new flannels since you’re packing on those rough and tough country pounds.”
I patted his stomach and laughed.
“Asshole,” he muttered.
“Want some coffee? Want to write a song?” I asked.
“I’m actually leaving.”
“Leaving?”
“I flew back to talk to you.”
I froze. “What?”
“Jackie wants me to get into the studio today. He wants to cut a demo of my three songs. I wanted to talk to you first.”
“You could have called.”
“I wanted to talk to you in person, Cros. I thought I could convince you to come out there with me.”
“Jonny, you’re crazy. This is where I am right now. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t. Go do your thing. Cut the demo and send it to me.”
“That’s what I’m going to do then,” Jonny said. “Take care of yourself, Cros.”
“You too,” I said.
Jonny walked through the house and left.
I put my hands to the counter and couldn’t believe myself when I had the urge to cry. In some way, Jonny was my best friend. And I could go out there with him. Make something of myself. But I wasn’t done here.
I wasn’t ready to leave.
Probably never would be.
I walked to the dining room and touched the guitar I said I would never play that song again. As I slowly lifted it, my heart started to pound in my chest. I sat down and held the guitar. I shut my eyes and strummed the chords to the song I never got to finish.
The feel good thing would be to tell myself my nephew would have wanted me to keep going with music. But that was bullshit. Nicholas was just a kid. A kid who deserved a long and happy life.
As my mind started to slip off the slippery edge of guilt, there was a knock at the door. I stood up and put the guitar down and walked to the door.
I opened it and Josie stood there.
“Want to have a smoke?”
41
PLAY THE SONG… PLAY THE SONG…
NOW
Josie
We sat on top step of the porch.
Almost shoulder to shoulder.
Mostly in silence as we both smoked.
The tension between us mounting by the second.
“Jonny’s moving to Nashville,” Crosby said.
“What?”
“He’s cutting a deal with Jackie. Recording a demo.”
“Wow.”
“I’m happy for him. Honestly.
He’s good at what he does. He’s been hinting about it for a while. I think he was hoping I’d jump ship too.”
“Why didn’t you?” I asked.
Crosby turned his head. “You.”
“Me…”
“Yeah. You. I don’t think I’d go anyway, but because of you, I’m stuck here. My feet are cemented to the damn ground, Josie.”
“Is this you being romantic or brutally honest?”
Crosby stood up and flicked his cigarette off the porch. “If you can’t take honesty, love, then what are you doing here?”
“What happened, Cros?” I asked as I stood up. “You said all that stuff to me and then left. And you didn’t come home. I was here. Looking for you.”
“You were looking for me?”
I licked my lips. “I came here, and you were gone. I ended up at the hospital, then a hotel, then back to the hospital.”
“How is Meadow?”
“She’s good. They’re staying in a hotel now. Corey said something about renting a furnished apartment until things get squared up.”
“Damn,” Crosby said. “That’s such a shame. Do they know anything yet?”
“Electrical,” I said. “I don’t know much else. I don’t know what they’re going to do. I… well… that’s their problem. Their life. I’m here for you, Cros.”
He laughed. “Here for me?”
“What you said was true,” I said. “What’s been happening between us. But it’s a two-way street. We were bouncing off each other, Cros. I gave you everything I had to give. I told you memories that I would never share with anyone else. Because I knew you were going through the same. I shared my heart… No. I gave you my heart. How could you say what you said about Denny? Yes. I loved him. Yes. There’s a part of me that still feels confused. But you’re my future, Cros. I gave you that…”
Crosby touched my arms. “I lost myself, Josie. I lost myself when Nicholas died. I lost myself when I started running, thinking I could change the past. And I lost myself when I fell in love with you. You were the distraction. You were the light. The life. The love I needed. As I carried Meadow out of the house, I realized I would never get to save Nicholas. It crushed me. I went to Cindi’s last night. I slept there.”
“Your sister? How did that go?”
“We’re okay,” Crosby said. “It’ll never be the same, but it’s not supposed to be. That’s what I realized. And when I look at you, Josie, I realized that I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in my entire life. Beyond what happened. You’re my future too, love. But to stand there and be the one who shares your love with someone else…”
Getting Over You Page 29
