“I’m having an early night, but why don’t you come around over the weekend and we can head out to the club?”
There was an evident disappointment that lingered in her tone, and as much as I needed a distraction, I wasn’t really in the mood for company.
“Why don’t you send me a teaser, and I can keep it as a reminder of what to expect when I see you again,” I suggested with a smirk.
I didn’t need to do any convincing on my part, she was more than willing to share the occasional sneak peek that most men could only dream of seeing, but even though I asked for it, I knew it would do nothing to any part of my anatomy.
I finally killed the call after she tried again to convince me to see her and told her that I will only be back in town by the weekend.
***
The morning arrived with promise and regardless of my bourbon induced hangover I knew that once I was on my motorbike it would disappear instantly. A long hard ride would also silence my conscience that kept nagging me to call Rae. The past was just that – past tense – it had no place in my future. Past experience taught me that valuable lesson. The moment you allow the past to command your future you may as well kiss your ass goodbye.
I clicked the remote and the garage door slowly rolled open. There it stood in all its glory, my Harley Davidson, chrome polished frame and its complimentary blue and diamond ice finish. It was nothing short of a majestic piece of machinery that made me crave the open road. My leathers crunched against the leather seat and as I started her up she became an extension of my own body.
I finally hit the open road and opened the throttle, and as the wind whipped past me I could sense the different aromas as they passed me by. It was never the same, each time I rode my bike it was new smells and sounds that kept me alert. But unlike other times where it was just me and my bike, Rae’s face kept flashing in my mind’s eye.
That last day before I left for the military, there was a sadness in her eyes, it was as if she knew I was never coming back and although I didn’t explicitly tell her or break up with her, she sensed it. When I was out on detail, I received two letters from her and I never responded to either one. For days after her first letter to me, I contemplated the future, trying to figure out where she fitted into my life. By the time I got the second letter, I was elbow deep in desert sand fighting for a cause bigger than my own and time simply won. It was the time to let go, let go of the past so that I could work on my own uncertain future. I never intended on looking back, until now.
Raedene
I hated doctors’ rooms like I hate creamed spinach, the smell of disinfectant always reminded me of death, but I had no choice. Damien insisted I seek help to try and figure out what was wrong with Braden. Scattered magazines lay across the table in the waiting room; next to us was an old man whose face mapped the years of hardship he must have endured in his life time. I couldn’t help but wonder what brought him here today.
“Miss Callaway, you can come through,” the receptionist said, standing with our file in her hand.
I reached out to take Braden’s hand, but as usual he pulled away and my heart sank. This was going to be interesting.
We spent close on an hour with the psychologist, who made Braden draw pictures of his family. It was no surprise when he drew his imaginary family, a mother with long brown hair, a dad he had never mentioned before and a little sister, all standing next to what looked to be a wooden house covered in snow. I didn’t even feature. After all the tests were done, Braden was left to play in the play room while I waited for the conclusion to this madness.
“Miss Callaway, does Braden have a father?” he asked and I cringed.
“Well, it’s complicated, I only found out I was pregnant after his dad was out of the picture, so he doesn’t know his dad.”
“Have you ever told him about his dad?”
“No, he never asks about him, he has also never mentioned his imaginary dad,” I said, watching him jot down notes.
Why did I suddenly feel like I was under scrutiny?
“Look, it’s very early to tell, and there are other tests I can run, but from what I am able to determine, it looks like Braden is experiencing some sort of past life regression, are you familiar with that term?”
Off course I am, I wasn’t born under a rock, “Yes I am, but as far as I know that’s a lot of speculation with no real facts to prove that it actually exist.”
“Yes, it is. The idea of past life regression is unfortunately unchartered territory, but some great progress has been made to determine the science behind it,” he slid a brochure over to me and then smiled, “Children eventually grow out of it. With the right approach, they soon learn that the past life they tend to cling to is something of the past and they soon start to adopt their new life with much enthusiasm.”
“Okay, so what am I supposed to do now? I mean, he hardly talks and putting him in a day care makes it even worse, because other kids make fun of him.”
“It’s no easy task, but I would like to help you through the process,” he said and rode back in his chair.
“I don’t want him on any medication,” I objected, that was the last thing I wanted. Nowadays everyone seems to want to shove pills down kids’ throats for the simplest of conditions. If the kid is too active its ADHD, when all it is, is the fact that the child has no way of expending the pent-up energy that gathers from spending too much time behind the television or playing computer games.
“No pills. Your first step is to stop rejecting his other family, you need to embrace them. Ask him to tell you about them. You need to show him that you are interested in his life, and that you care for his other family.”
What he said made perfect sense; I was just not so sure if I could cope with the jealousy factor. Braden compared me to his mom with everything I did.
“Another thing I might suggest is to get in touch with his biological father if you can. Giving him that closure might just trigger him, the fact that he has never mentioned that to you means that he is afraid to approach the subject with you.”
“I’ll see what I can do, it’s no easy task to get in touch with his father, but I’ll try.”
That was it, settled. I left the rooms with an information overload and a threatening migraine; at least it wasn’t anything serious like Autism, which was a relief. Now all I needed to do was figure out how I was going to reach out to my little champ.
Much later that day after taking pain killers and while Braden was taking his afternoon nap, I picked up the pamphlet the doctor gave me. Lamarckism - a condition whereby an organism passes on acquired characteristics to offspring, which may include past memories of the parents or grandparents. The more I read the more I realized that going to the psychologist wasn’t such a bad idea after all. There were still a lot of questions that remained unanswered and the condition itself was still being studied in-depth, but at least I had some direction now.
Get in touch with his biological father – my conscience reminded me very inaptly. Caleb had no idea that Braden existed, how was I ever going to tell him after all these years?
Caleb
I shoved the empty glass over to the bar tender and around me the bar was buzzing with bikers from all over taking advantage of happy hour. Above me the television blared out loud, as always baseball or football, never rugby.
“How about changing the channel,” I asked the bartender above the noise.
“Watcha wanna watch?” he asked, leaning on the counter with his greasy elbow.
“Rugby,” I said blankly, hoping that it may be a much-needed distraction from the thoughts that haunted me.
“Naw man, no-one watches that backwards ball passing shit,” he said laughing and shook his head enough to make his double chin quiver like a blob of jelly.
Exactly the response I expected, these morons all lived under a rock of their own, each with shields on either side of their eyes. Talk about one track minded dumbasses. This dump was seriously starti
ng to work on my nerves.
“Hey Caleb, wanna play a game of pool?”
It was Stinger, who called me over and under normal circumstances I would never turn down the challenge to beat him at pool, but it wasn’t going to help my predicament. I just couldn’t get Rae out of my mind.
“No I’m good, I’m going to head out anyway,” I said and stood up to put on my leather jacket, “I have an early morning tomorrow,” lame excuse, I know, but there wasn’t much else I could say.
On my way, out I greeted the guys from a bikers’ club that frequent the place and headed out. The cool night air was a total contrast to the musty dank smell of the bar. I took a moment just to breathe it in and chase away the smell of cigar smoke that clung to my nostrils. When I closed my eyes, an image of Rae popped into my head. She had the cutest button nose with a dust of freckles that shaded her nose and cheeks, which she hated, but I always told her that she had them because she was kissed by the sun. And she ever did cut her long silky red hair as she always threatened to do on hot summer days. For a moment, I could almost feel her hair threading through my fingers. I recalled the last night we spent together at her dorm room; I had to climb up the side of the dormitory to avoid being caught by the matron on duty. That night was imprinted in my mind forever. She had this cute blush that made her look all innocent while she slowly undressed. I was like a horny teenager then, she never got past her bra, I simply couldn’t wait to touch her, and boy did I touch her! She was like clay in a potter’s hand, and I was the potter, moulding her body with my hands and my lips.
I let out a groan and shook my head; these were careless memories that evoked nothing but pain and loss. I was about to get back on my bike when my phone vibrated in my pocket, it was a message from an unknown number, but the message was from no stranger.
Hey Caleb, it’s been a while, where are you these days? Rae
We’ll I’ll be damned, Damien must have given her my number, how else would she have gotten it? I read her text again, my thumb hovering over the reply button, but instead I locked my phone and shoved it back in my pocket. Do I reply to her or do I ignore the text? If I had to be outright honest with myself, there was no place in my world for a woman, not one I would settle down with anyway. My life was an easy cruise, I had everything I wanted. I played the game I loved; I got to go on road trips without anyone tying me down. I was pretty damn comfortable and the best part was that money was no problem. My father’s business was self-sustaining with board members running it expertly and all I had to do was show up at meetings and rake in the benefits of being the main shareholder. Besides that, I had Hayley, Stephanie, Joanne and Tracy the four hottest cheerleaders of our squad who were more than willing to be content with one night stands when the mood was right. What else could I possibly ask for?
By the time I got home my fingers were frozen and my face was numb, but in my pocket my phone was like a burning coal, reminding me of Rae’s text. I rushed inside, tore off my jacket and rolled my shoulders to relieve some tension. What was it with me, and why was she contacting me now after all these years, surely she wasn’t still looking for closure. I looked at her text again and against my better judgement I hit reply.
Hey, I’m in Denver living the life, you? C.
I didn’t quite expect such a quick reply, but there it was.
I’m in Lafayette, we’re neighbours, fancy that!
I could hardly stand the suspense, there was more to this than idle chit chat, so instead of responding by text I called.
There was a slight delay in her answering her phone, and I was about to hang up when a tentative hello resonated on the other side.
“I hope you don’t mind me calling you,” I said and as lowered myself down on the sofa toeing my boots off.
“Oh no, not at all, it was a little unexpected, that’s all,” she said, she sounded different. Obviously four years down the line I couldn’t exactly expect her to sound the same, but I did notice that there was sadness in her tone.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, of course it is…” a suspended pause followed, “well, no. There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“I gathered as much after Damien told me to call you, so what’s up?” I asked and for some reason the thought of her getting married popped up in my mind. I felt my mood change from indifference to annoyance. Why would her getting married affect me this way after all these years? I shifted and stuffed another cushion under my head. I had no reason to be upset in fact I should be happy for her.
“Caleb, I-I don’t know how to say this…” she started.
“You’re getting married, is that it?” I butted in.
“What? No!” she said in a high-pitched tone followed by a soft controlled sigh, “maybe this was a mistake, I need to go.”
Without as much as a goodbye she hung up and I stared blankly at my phone. I wanted to call her back but the uneasy feeling that settled in the pit of my stomach made me think twice. Instead of calling her back, I shoved my phone in my pocket and got on my bike again. Maybe she was right, it was a mistake and repeating history had the habit of stabbing you in the back. I much preferred to let sleeping dogs lie.
Rae
What was I thinking considering telling Caleb about Braden after all these years? Caleb had gone on with his life, and I was sure that the last thing he would expect is a surprise father’s-day gift. To suddenly throw a spanner in the works for him could have serious implications. What if he was married or planning to get married, what would his wife or fiancée do or say? The thought of him being married caught me by surprise as a sudden stab of pain poked at my insides, but the moment it surfaced I was quick to supressed it with a dose of reality.
All these years, I managed quite fine on my own and if it wasn’t for Braden’s imaginary world, I would not be in this predicament in the first place, in fact, I wouldn’t even have considered calling him at all. I looked down at Braden where he sat playing with his Legos and I couldn’t help but smile, when he was like this he was so easy to handle and these were the times I wish I could just reach out and hug him and never let him go. Just as I moved to sit on the floor with Braden and attempt to play with him, my phone rang, and when I saw the caller ID my heart skipped a beat. It was Caleb. He wasn’t going to let it go, was he?
“Hello,” I answered tentatively.
“Hey, I figured you needed time to gather yourself after my call last night,” he said and paused, “You wanted to tell me something?”
“It was nothing,” I lied.
“Are you kidding me? After five years, you call to tell me something and then get cold feet?”
I went quiet, and I could hear Caleb breathing on the other end, maybe it was time to come clean and this was a cosmic sign to speak my mind once and for all.
“I have a, well actually, we have a son, he’s four years old now and his name is Braden.”
You know that feeling you get when it feels as if your entire world just got sucked into a black hole and everything faded into the shadows of uncertainty leaving you with nothing but the unexpected truth staring you right in the face? No, me neither and why? Because I knew that the moment I told Caleb he was a father, it will undeniably change the past, present and the future. That was the exact magnitude of this weighted situation. I bet you Caleb had his entire life mapped out; from the coffee he drank every morning to the toothpaste he’d been using since I first met him. And this was the last thing he would have expected, and by the deadly silence that followed, I knew that he was not going to take lightly to the news.
“I’m sorry? Did you just say I have a son?” he sounded tentative.
“Yes, his name is Braden, he’s four now.”
“Send me your address, I’m sending my driver to pick you up,” he demanded and by the tone of his voice, I couldn’t quite determine if he was angry, sad or excited.
“You’re sending your driver?”
I should have figured, even
with all that went down when his dad walked out on him; he still had the luxuries most other people could only dream of.
“Yes, my driver. Since I have a son I would very much like to see him,” he stated, a little too expressively.
“I know you do, but there are things I need to tell you first…”
“It can wait, make sure you’re packed and ready, now can I please have your address?”
I rambled off my address and then we ended the call. This was not going to be a walk in the park; I could tell by his tone that he was upset, if not upset at least irritated. What surprised me even more was that he simply accepted it. I would have expected him to at least question my intensions, but instead he simply arranged for his driver to collect me.
Caleb
I stared down at the small piece of paper I scribbled Rae’s address down on; my mind was still spinning like an out of control gear on a lawnmower. All this time and she never bothered to let me know I had a son. Expecting her to be married and dealing with my own disappointment was one thing, finding out that I’m a dad was a whole different ball game. It was like throwing me into a tennis game expecting me to know what I’m doing.
I dragged my fingers through my hair and sank down on the sofa. The why’s and if’s all started to fight a territorial battle in my mind all at once. The overwhelming realization that I was a father was almost too surreal.
I grabbed my phone again and dialled Damien, he had some serious explaining to do, I would have expected my best friend to at least give me some warning.
“Hey, so I assume you spoke to Rae?” Damien said straight off the bat and it instantly annoyed me.
“Bro, seriously, you knew that I was a dad and never bothered to tell me?” I ground out as I paced up and down.
“It wasn’t my place to tell you, she’s my sister and besides, it was only a hunch I had all this time, she only admitted it to me when I told you to get in touch with her again.”
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