Amber
I walked to the bed, sitting down on it, wondering what to do. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. Or rather, I should have known. People like Finn and his parents were all the same. They existed in another world, of which I could never be a part of. Anna’s words about how I was flighty just like the rest of ‘the help’ infuriated me. She knew nothing about me, and I hated being generalised about.
Sure, I didn’t have any wealth. But I had been brought up in a decent, loving home. I had been accepted into an Ivy League school, for Christ’s sake! But I would still never be good enough, in their eyes. And then there was the fact that I had just slept with Finn, letting him take my virginity.
My face burnt as I thought about it. I couldn’t believe that I had acted so wantonly. But it was like I was possessed by lust. I just hadn’t cared, at that point. I could still remember how wonderful it had been, feeling him inside me, after the pain had lessened. My eyes closed as I recalled the orgasms, and how mind blowing they had been.
I wanted to sleep with him, every night. I wanted to wake up to him, and have him do those things to me, again and again.
But what did he want? I thought of Lilah, so upset about her mother. That for a moment, she had thought that I was her, lying in bed with her father. She was a hurt little girl, and Finn didn’t seem to know how to deal with it.
Would he knock on the door, and come to me? But there was nothing. No knock. He was out there, in the living room, I knew. I had heard the front door open and close. I knew his mother had left. So why didn’t he come in, and reassure me? Take my hand, and tell me that the things his mother had said were wrong, and that he didn’t believe any of it? I knew that he wasn’t with Lilah; I had left her sleeping in her bedroom, having cried herself to sleep after I had finished the story.
No, he was by himself. And he was choosing not to come to me.
It was probably all too much for him. The fact that he had taken my virginity, and his mother’s words. Lilah’s meltdown. Too much. He would retreat, and run away, the way he always handled personal problems. The way that he had handled Erin’s death.
It was okay. I was a big girl. I would see through this contract, which would give me a healthy injection into my bank account, and then I would return to the States. To my real life. My heart ached at the thought. Leaving Finn, and Lilah. It would be as if I was leaving my heart behind.
I closed my eyes, resting my head on the pillow. I was in love with him. I really didn’t know how I hadn’t realised, up until now.
***
It was a silent trip back to the mansion in Toorak. I looked out the car window, watching the sun slowly sink over the sea. Lilah was asleep in the car seat. Finn was driving, but he didn’t glance at me. Not once.
It was okay. I could handle it. I tried not to notice that I was biting my nails, again. It was dark by the time we got to the house. Finn carried the still sleeping Lilah up to her bedroom, and I carried my bags to my room. Hopefully, I would just be able to crawl into bed and let the events of the day slowly dissipate from my mind.
No such luck. I was just about to get my nightie on, when there was a soft knock at the door.
“Come in,” I said, trying hard to keep my voice neutral.
Finn entered. He looked as tired and drawn out as I felt. “Amber,” he said, softly. “I think that we need to talk about a few things.”
I nodded, indicating that he could sit down. He looked at me, slowly. “Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?’
I laughed, but it wasn’t a humorous sound. “And how would I have done that, Finn? Just sat you down one day, and blurted it out? If you recall, we said that we shouldn’t get involved on a personal level. That this was strictly a business arrangement. Don’t you remember?”
“I know,” he said, sighing deeply. “It seemed the best thing. Things just got…a little out of control.”
I looked at him. “Are you saying you regret it?”
He sighed again. “I don’t know, Amber,” he said, eventually. “I sure didn’t regret it at the time. It was everything I hoped for, and more. But now…”
I felt my heart hit the floor. So, it was true. He was trying to back out of whatever was happening between us. “It’s got something to do with what your mother said about me, hasn’t it?”
His eyes widened. “No, Amber! Not at all. My mother thinks she is doing the right thing, protecting me and Lilah. Yes, she can come across as a snob. All that talk of ‘the help’. I can see why you’re upset.” He looked at me. “But I don’t think that way about you.”
“How do you think about me?” I wished I hadn’t said the words. They just marched out of my mouth.
“I think you are an unbelievably sexy, totally gorgeous woman.” His eyes darkened as he spoke. “But I just don’t know if I can carry on a personal relationship right now. That thing with Lilah today. It made me think, deeply. I don’t think I am completely over Erin.”
There. The words were out. At least he had admitted it, at long last. I stood up. “I’d like you to leave, now.”
“Amber…”
“No.” I walked to the door. “I will still be your fake fiancée, don’t worry. But nothing else.”
I held the door open. “Good night, Finn.”
He looked at me, as if he wanted to say something else. But then he sighed, and walked out.
I shut the door, climbing into bed with my clothes still on. The tears when they came were scalding. What an idiot. I had given my heart and my virginity to a man who was incapable of anything. What had I expected? That he would suddenly realise that he was crazy in love with me, and we would ride off into the sunset?
Stupid, I chastised myself. Get wise.
But my heart ached so badly I could hardly keep myself from sobbing aloud.
Finn
I glanced over at Amber as we drove, keeping an eye on traffic.
“Do we have everything?” I couldn’t help thinking something had been forgotten.
“For the hundredth time, Finn,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Yes! Everything is here. I have the cake, and the presents. The caterers are setting up as we speak, I called them ten minutes ago. We just need to get there in one piece.” She glared at the road.
“Okay, okay,” I said. Maybe I was a little bit anxious. But it was Lilah’s fifth birthday party, and her first without Erin. I wanted everything to be perfect.
“Jennifer and Michael will be there,” I said to Amber, as I negotiated a roundabout. “They flew in yesterday. They’re staying at the Park Hyatt.”
That fact was adding to my anxiety, as well. The Morgan’s were in town, ostensibly for Lilah’s birthday, but I knew it was to check up on me. See if I was providing stability for Lilah, as promised. And meet my new fiancée, of course.
Yes, a lot was riding on this birthday party.
Amber descended into silence as I drove. It had been like this ever since we returned from Portsea, when I had told her I wasn’t sure about us pursuing a relationship. Or at the least, sleeping together. She had clammed up so tightly I could barely get a peek through her shutters, anymore.
It was my own stupid fault, of course. It had been a knee jerk reaction to the shock of taking her virginity. Not to mention Lilah’s meltdown, and my mother’s warnings. It had all happened so quickly together I just couldn’t think straight.
Three weeks had passed since then, and she had been polite and courteous with me, but nothing more. I had hurt her, I could tell. And I just didn’t know how to fix it.
It didn’t help that I couldn’t stop dreaming of making love to her. Every night I woke, with a hard on so fierce it hurt. Dreaming of her body, and how it had felt.
“Almost there,” I said now, looking at her again. She was looking particularly beautiful today, in a tight fitting emerald green dress with black tights. She had wound her chestnut hair into a top knot, giving off an air of casual elegance that many women spent top dollar to get but
rarely pulled off.
Effortless. Stunning. I could look at her, forever.
I pulled into a car park, and we got out. We were just getting the presents out of the boot, when I heard a shout. “Finn!”
And there they were. My in-laws, standing at the front of Luna Park, waving to us. Here we go, I thought. It’s make or break time.
***
Michael and Jennifer were fussing over Lilah as we entered the Park underneath the famous moon face gates.
It was sensory overload, here. Children everywhere, shouting in delight. Lights flashed, rides spun around. It was the oldest amusement park in Melbourne, that continued to delight every generation. I remembered coming here as a child, and being spellbound. Although I had been sick after one very intense ride.
That wouldn’t be happening today, however. Only the carousel and the milder rides for a bunch of five-year-old girls. We made our way to the function room, where party food had already been laid out. Several of Lilah’s friends were already here, rushing to her with their presents. She looked a little overwhelmed, but very excited.
The society mother’s all had their phones out, trying to take the best snap of their child to upload to their pages so everyone would tell them what a gorgeous child they had. I stopped, momentarily. When had I got so cynical?
“Did you have a pleasant trip?” I turned to Michael and Jennifer. They looked tired, but happy.
“Not bad,” said Michael. “We always fly business, of course. Lots more leg room, and we can stretch out and sleep. It certainly is a long flight.”
“Yes,” agreed Jennifer, smiling. “I remember Erin commenting on it, when you two were courting, Finn! About how she would have to get used to permanent jetlag, she was flying over to Australia so often!” She stopped, biting her lip. She looked at Amber.
“I’m sorry, my dear,” she said to her. “You must excuse me. It hasn’t been that long.” She dabbed at her eyes. Michael put his arm around her.
“Of course,” Amber smiled. “I understand completely. She was your daughter, after all. I am so very sorry for your loss. I loved Erin, she was an amazing woman.” Michael and Jennifer both smiled at her, looking as if they were starting to relax.
“Lilah! We’re here!”
Here we go, I thought. My parents had arrived, carrying the biggest present. It was so ostentatious, it eclipsed all the other presents that had been put into a corner of the room.
Why did they always have to show off? Why was it always about material things, with them? I knew they loved Lilah, of course. But they barely spent any time with her, the weekend in Portsea notwithstanding. It was always about what they could buy for her.
And then I looked at Amber, chatting away with the Morgan’s, so open and warm. Where did she fit into this world of mine?
I watched my mother approaching them all, her huge social smile plastered to her face. She nodded to Amber, then started chatting immediately to Jennifer, leading her away. Amber looked a little crestfallen. I felt anger surge through me.
I had always thought that my parents were decent and fair people, that they weren’t snobbish about our extreme wealth. I thought that they gave everyone a fair go, whether they were wealthy or not. It seemed I was wrong.
My parents thought that Amber wasn’t good enough for me. The thought lodged in my brain, they had accepted Erin because she had come from a wealthy family. It wasn’t because they thought her kind, or charming, or intelligent. No, it all came down to how many zeros there were in the old bank accounts.
Protectiveness flooded through me, as I stared at Amber. No one treated her badly. No one. She turned around, then, as if she felt my eyes on her. We gazed at each other for a second, before she turned away. A little sadly, I thought.
How had I fucked things up so badly?
***
Good old Bryce had arrived, dragging a girl behind him. Mandy. I looked again. No, it wasn’t Mandy. It was just someone who looked a lot like her.
“Finn, meet Skye,” he said. Skye smiled, a bit vacantly.
“Buddy, you have to stop doing this,” I said to him, after Skye wondered off. “These girls of yours. Do you have some assembly line somewhere, that I don’t know about? Because they all look the same.”
Bryce grinned. “I just have a certain type, that’s all.”
“What happened to Mandy?”
Bryce shrugged. “Started talking about moving in together. I had to let her go. Trying to cramp my style.”
I shook my head, ruefully. Would Bryce ever change?
“It’s alright for you,” Bryce said. “You had Erin. And now you’ve got Amber. I would probably let go of some of my bachelor freedom if I snagged a girl like that. She has class.”
“She does, doesn’t she?” I stared at Amber, again.
“Buddy, you are one lucky guy,” continued Bryce. “She is warm, and what a brain! Very smart. You can have a real conversation with her. Not to mention she’s a babe.”
“Hands off,” I growled, punching him on the arm. He laughed.
“I’m not making a play for her. I’m just saying, I could change my tune for a chick like that.” He paused. “She’s a keeper.”
My father approached us, and Bryce started chatting with him. I tuned out.
“Finn?”
I turned. It was Jennifer. I smiled, but inside all the walls were going up. Would she start on again about taking Lilah?
“I just wanted to tell you,” she said. “Amber is a lovely girl. She has done wonders with Lilah, Finn. We are so happy for the both of you. I know that Erin would be happy, too. She would want what’s best for you and Lilah.” Tears glimmered in her eyes. “You have our blessing.”
I felt a lump form in my throat. “Excuse me for a minute, Jennifer,” I said.
I had to leave the room, running out into the park. All around me colours swirled, and people were screaming on the rides, in fear and delight. Lights were flashing. I sat down on a bench, trying to catch my breath.
Erin. It had suddenly hit me.
I cried, remembering my beautiful wife. I had been running from it, for so long. Trying to dodge the grief, as if I could keep one step ahead of it. Just keep working, I had told myself. But I recognised it now for what it had been.
Denial.
I thought of all the years we had spent together. I thought of our wedding day on the Whitsunday Islands in Queensland. The day that Lilah had been born. Buying our home together. A million and one other memories all clamouring into my brain, jostling for prominence.
I wept, soft and low. I didn’t care that I was in public. And then, I suddenly stopped. It was okay. She would be a part of me, forever. But she was gone.
I turned around, ready to go back in. Re-join the party. And the first thing I did when I entered that room was seek her out. Ah, there she was.
Amber.
Amber
I took the elevator to the thirteenth floor, as instructed.
What was this about? Finn had called me from his office, that morning. He said that he needed to talk to me, and could I come to the office after I had dropped Lilah at kindergarten. It was mystifying.
It had been a week since Lilah’s birthday party at Luna Park, and I had barely seen Finn since. I knew he was busy at work; it was tax time, one of the busiest times of the year in the finance sector. He was also preparing for a business trip to Sydney. But still. It was unusual, to say the least, for me to go to his office. I had never been requested to, before.
This was all getting so hard. Playing the part of the loving fiancée at Lilah’s birthday party had almost undid me.
I had chatted and smiled and laughed, all on cue. I had answered a million and one questions about Finn and me. And the whole time, I could see him watching me. Assessing me: was I performing well enough? Would his parents, and Erin’s parents, accept me?
He had obviously decided, once and for all, that there was nothing personal between us. He had taken my virginit
y, and run a mile. I tried very hard not to feel hurt. I knew that I was in love with him. But it was impossible.
How could I continue to pretend to be the fiancée of a man I was actually in love with? It was like a paradox, or a puzzle. One with no answer, or an answer so complex you just couldn’t decipher it.
I remembered the feel of him, and how he had made me fall into a puddle of desire at his feet. Even now, I grew warm thinking of it. But he obviously didn’t feel the same way about me. I had been a challenge, nothing more.
I took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.
“Come in,” I heard him call out. I opened the door.
He was behind his desk, frowning into his computer. He looked up, and stopped what he was doing.
“Amber,” he said.
“Yes?” My voice came out a bit wobbly. “You wanted to see me?”
He stood up, gesturing for me to take a seat.
“I needed to tell you,” he said. “I have to fly to Sydney, tonight. The trip’s been put ahead.”
“Right,” I said. “Why couldn’t you have told me that on the phone?”
He looked at me. I could see his eyes slowly looking me up and down, and then that familiar glow came into them. I knew he found me sexy.
But not sexy enough, obviously.
“I wanted to see you,” he said. “Before I left.” He stopped, then continued. “Amber, this is difficult for me.”
“How so?” I wasn’t about to make it any easier.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said. “The way that I behaved, after Portsea…well, it wasn’t good enough. You deserve more.”
“I deserve more, do I?” I looked at him, not smiling. “In what way?”
“You are making this difficult,” he said.
I stood up. “Really? Well how about I make it simple, then.” I walked towards the door, anger coursing through me. “I’ll leave.”
He was up like a shot, striding toward me. He grabbed my arm, closing the door I had just opened. I looked up at him. He was breathing heavily, frowning.
And then he was kissing me. It was crazy. He grabbed me to him, pushing me up against his desk, leaning me over it. Papers and pens fell onto the floor, but we were both oblivious to it.
Seal's Professor Page 78
