“And thank you for trusting me. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to.”
“I do. There’s no one else, though.”
“It’s not surprising. You know how things are here. Thomas, please be careful.”
“I know. We know.”
9
Walking up from the beach, Andrew’s heart was pounding as if he’d just run a marathon. He was overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions flying through his head quicker than he could keep track. He was ecstatic and nervous, relieved and tense all at the same time. Above all, he was in a bit of disbelief. Yes, it actually happened. And it had so many meanings.
It was late when he arrived home and he assumed Alex, and Liv if she was there, would be sleeping. He tried to keep quiet, but he desperately wanted to share the news with someone, so he tried to make just enough accidental noise to wake them up. When his shuffles failed, he walked into his room and sat still on his bed in the dark. He tried at first to block out everything crossing his mind so he could take in the moment. He wanted to sit there, pleased and proud of himself. But the moment didn’t last. There was his family. They weren’t the type to share in this milestone. Even Lindsay. Would she understand? And then on top of it all was Thomas. He wasn’t who he’d pictured himself with. But that mattered less and less, if at all, since they’d first met. He was sweet and kind, and Andrew had fallen for him.
He took out his journal thinking it might be helpful to try and make sense of everything by writing it down. But when he opened to the next blank page and held out the pen, he froze. He wanted to express so much yet no words came to him. Finally, after several minutes of mental false starts he wrote the only thing that came to him.
I did it, finally. We kissed. Holy shit.
He then lay down exhausted and fell asleep.
When the sunlight finally woke him up he didn’t immediately get out of bed. Instead, he lay there to make sure that what he thought happened the night before actually did. He turned to the table by his bedside. His journal was there with the pen still inside. He opened to the page it was on, looked at what he wrote the night before, smiled to himself, and closed the book.
Alex and Liv were eating breakfast and watching something on Alex’s laptop when Andrew finally opened his door. Emerging into the sunlit living room wearing only pajama pants, Andrew’s face scrunched up at the brightness as if biting into a lemon. Alex’s expression suggested an immediate acknowledgment that Andrew seemed dazed after coming in late from somewhere, but that Alex wasn’t also about to pry.
Andrew took the three steps to the chair in the living room deliberately and slowly, building the anticipation. Sitting down, he placed his hands on both legs and exhaled as if his joints were sore, looked down at the floor letting his neck hang as if still tired, before eventually looking up, eyes wide open, ready to make his announcement.
“I kissed someone last night.”
Alex and Liv both tried to play it cool.
“That’s great,” Alex responded nonchalantly. “Who was it?”
“The bartender. Thomas.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“How?” asked Liv.
“I dunno. It just kind of happened.”
“Out of nowhere?”
“No, I kind of expected it. We’ve been hanging out at the bar every Friday night for the past few months. Well, I’ve been hanging out. He’s been working.”
“Wow,” Alex said again, smiling but shaking his head. “Good for you!”
“Yes, great,” added Liv less convincingly, eliciting a discreet look from Alex telling her to do better. “Are you happy about it?”
“Oh for sure. He’s a really nice guy,” Andrew said before pausing, his face turning quizzical. “Wait, did you guys know?” He didn’t know what his preferred answer was. If they answered yes, did it mean he gave off a vibe – something he’d long tried to hide? Alex’s facial expression formed somewhere between blank and sympathetic, oblivious to what Andrew was trying to get at with his question. Liv, on the other hand, seemed to get it. She leaned forward as if to begin answering.
At that exact moment the gate to their compound opened. The loud creaking jolted all of them. The only other person with a key was Isatou, and though she wasn’t paid to come on weekends, she occasionally did to collect mangoes or use their clothes line. Sometimes she came inside to pick up their laundry. They sat in silence as Isatou walked up towards their front door, like children hiding something from an approaching adult. She was startled to see the three of them sitting there, all looking right at her direction as if they were expecting her.
“Good morning,” she said.
“Good morning, Isatou,” said Alex. “How are you?”
“I am fine,” she answered before turning her warm face towards Liv, whom she not-so-secretly liked the most. “Hi Liv, how are you?”
“I am good, Isatou, thank you.”
Isatou and Liv carried on with some small talk for a bit. Andrew and Alex sat looking at each other and waiting to return to the conversation. When Isatou walked into Alex’s bedroom to get his clothes, they all turned to one another with the shared realization they couldn’t carry on their conversation until she left.
“What’s the plan for today?” asked Alex.
“I don’t know,” said Andrew. “Maybe we’ll all go to the hotel?” he suggested sheepishly.
Isatou left with the laundry in a basket, bidding them all a good day.
Andrew broke the silence after the compound gate shut behind her. “I should have told you both a while ago. I meant to. I just didn’t get around to it.”
“Don’t worry about it,” answered Alex. “It’s whatever you’re most comfortable with. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to go about it.”
“Thanks.”
“So,” Alex enthusiastically interjected, “you’ve been spending time together for a couple of months?”
“Yeah!”
“And this happened at the hotel last night?”
“No, on the beach, near the turn off for Fajara. We walked along the beach after he got off work.”
“You know,” Alex said grinningly, “once you go black...”
“Alex!” Liv exclaimed as she hit him.
Andrew laughed. The lightheartedness, or rather, the nonchalance of Alex’s reaction, was exactly what he’d needed.
“And who made the first move?” he asked with the same grin. Liv smacked him once more.
“What?!” Alex shot back at her with a stunned look of innocence. He wasn’t being inappropriate.
Still giggling, Andrew answered. “He did. I’ve always been the shy one.” He stopped to think, laughing again, quietly. He was talking in their direction, but not directly at them.
“It’s funny. The first time I went to talk to him, I had no idea what to say. I showed up one Friday after work without having any clue what I was doing. I mean, I didn’t know him. Only his name. We made eye contact the week before. But not regular eye contact. Like the noticing you kind of eye contact. But that was it. Somehow I showed up there the next week alone. Me, of all people. I’d never done something like that before. I had thought of it a lot. I wanted to. There were lots of times I probably should have gone up to someone. Maybe this time would’ve been less daunting if I hadn’t been so scared or nervous before. Maybe I wouldn’t be here now. I don’t know. Whatever, it’s just something I never did.”
Andrew, realizing he was unloading, looked over at Alex and Liv for a hint that he was going too far. Their expressions suggested the opposite. They wanted to hear what he had to say.
“So what’d you do?” asked Alex.
“I just showed up. I stood there, across the pool from him. He was behind the bar. It was like the world froze. I think there was a family there or something. They were leaving, but I don’t think either of us paid them any attention. It was only a few seconds. But we both just stood looking at one another. It was one of those lo
oks, where you know something but you’re not exactly sure what. And you don’t see or focus on anything else. It all just stopped in front of me.
“I’m not trying to be crazy, or in love or anything. It was like a connection look. But there was depth to it.
“I walked over to the bar, which is the only thing I ever initiated between us, well, besides showing up, and we started talking. I went back the next week, and the week after that, and then kept going back. And he was always there. It became pretty clear we were headed in this direction. We get along really well and have great conversations. He’s sweet.”
He reflected to himself, replaying a highlight reel in his mind before proclaiming with certainty, “I’m really happy when I’m with him.” He looked over at Alex and Liv again and paused. All three of them were wearing subtle smiles. His eyes turned down before he looked up again.
“It’s brought up a whole host of things for me to think about. There’s my family back home, and that this isn’t exactly the best place to start experimenting. It’s a lot to process. So yesterday, instead of heading over right from work, I stopped to think. I don’t know if I was scared. Maybe it was just nerves. Maybe it’s normal? I don’t know – it’s all new to me. I wondered if I could go through with it. And what would happen after? You know?”
“Yes, I know,” Liv replied, nodding. Considering that Liv always struck Andrew as the most mature in their small group, he was especially encouraged by her reaction. He was being introspective for the first time, and she appeared genuinely impressed. “There’s no crystal ball,” she added.
“Exactly!” Andrew responded. “But when is there ever going to be a crystal ball?” he asked rhetorically. “So I don’t know what will happen next. But until now,” he nodded, “I’m happy. You know the feeling, when you meet someone and you just want to see them all the time. Like in between being with someone it’s almost like you’re filling the time just to get to see them again?”
Alex smiled at his roommate with real affection, and in it Andrew saw the reassurance he’d long wanted and needed. There was nothing more Alex needed to say.
“That’s what it’s becoming,” finished Andrew.
“That’s great,” said Alex.
Liv projected less enthusiasm. “Did anyone see you?”
Alex and Andrew both appeared taken aback. Her question was a downer.
“What?” she asked defensively. “Don’t misunderstand me, Andrew. Of course I’m thrilled for you. You only deserve happiness and I, we, support you fully. But,” she said as she softened her voice to be more emphatic, “this isn’t America.”
“I know. We know,” he said, his voice quieter, dispirited by Liv’s reality check. “No one saw us. And at the hotel I’m just another white expat looking for a break from the outside. No one thinks anything of the visits. Thomas would’ve said so otherwise. And we spoke last night about the importance of discretion.”
“That’s good. I never doubted you. It’s just, you know, we’re not in America,” she repeated.
“I know. Thanks.”
“So when are we going?!” asked Alex.
“Where?” responded Andrew.
“The hotel...”
Andrew smiled. “This afternoon, I hope.”
They finished off the conversation shortly thereafter. Liv asked Andrew if his family knew that he and Thomas were becoming friendly. It was her way of prying into his life, code for do they know about you? His answer was abridged and sanitized.
No, my family doesn’t know. He told them that besides them, only his sister knew he was gay, but he didn’t think she’d understand about Thomas.
“I want to tell her, but I’m not sure she’d get it. And anyway, there’s no need or rush to say anything now.” Walking towards the kitchen he stopped, looking back at them. “Maybe soon.”
When they were ready to set off in the early afternoon, Andrew took out his phone to text Thomas letting him know they were on their way. He looked puzzled as he scrolled through his contacts.
“What?” asked Alex.
“I don’t have his number,” Andrew confessed.
“I guess we’ll surprise him.”
There was an awkwardness to the afternoon. They arrived and met friends in the lobby before making their way through to the back. Convention prohibited Andrew from immediately acknowledging Thomas, let alone going over to say hi. It took all of his mental energy to stop his neck from turning to the left towards the bar. As he entered the pool area he saw other friends of his that he needed to greet as he walked and settled in. He said hello hurriedly before shifting his glance over only to discover Thomas too was preoccupied with work obligations, pouring drinks for a large group of children, and probably hadn’t seen him. It took almost a minute before their eyes met through the crowd. They smirked barely and briefly at one another before turning away.
With Thomas busy behind the bar and Andrew in the middle of expat social circles, there was little time for even subtle games. Andrew had his book with him but found it hard to concentrate. He’d pick it up only to stare at the same page while his mind wandered to try and figure out how he could talk to Thomas. The answer, which he knew, was that right then, in the afternoon with the pool crowded, he couldn’t. Besides seeing one another, they might as well have been in different places.
“I can’t even talk to him,” Andrew whispered over to Alex while they lay out in the sun. “I smiled while ordering a beer, that was all.”
“I don’t know,” Alex answered confusedly. “I think this is something that can only happen in private.”
“Yeah,” Andrew responded knowingly.
“Bring him to our place sometime.”
“Really?”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know if we’re there yet, but yeah, maybe.”
“Where does he live?”
“Somewhere in Serrekunda.”
“Not somewhere you two want to be spotted.”
“Nope.”
As Andrew lay there, surrounded by friends, all he wanted was to pick up from the night before. But he was stuck. He tried to swim to pass the time but quickly got bored.
After about two hours had passed, Andrew’s disappointment was clear.
“Let’s go,” he told Alex.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
While they gathered their belongings, Alex reached into his bag, taking out a pen, and then into his wallet, pulling out a twenty dalasi note. He handed them both to Andrew, who didn’t understand.
“For Thomas. Give him your number.”
“Ooohhhh. Smart.”
Andrew scribbled his number on the money and walked over to the bar. He thanked Thomas for the drinks and said see you next time. He handed him the dalasis and used his eyes to show that there was writing on it. Thomas acknowledged Andrew’s hint and took the bill, which he put right into his pocket.
“See you next time.”
10
The smells hit Thomas walking up the stairs to Sheriff’s apartment. It was his mother’s cooking – onions and tomatoes in the frying pan. The smell of fried fish lingered. She must be making benachin. Inhaling the familiar scents of his childhood, Thomas felt a little bit calmer as he pictured his mother standing in their old kitchen.
Thomas was nervous riding the minibus from Serrekunda to Banjul for their first family feast. Since leaving his village behind, he wasn’t living with the cloud of suspicion or expectation following him wherever he went. Free from the lurking, curious eyes of family and neighbors, he relished the anonymity of being on his own. Even though he might not have fully taken advantage of it, it was still liberating. Now, part of that was slipping away. The fact that Andrew was slowly entering his life only complicated things more, heightening his need for privacy.
Approaching the front door, Thomas instinctively went to knock, but caught himself.
Just walk in. This is your family.
He opened the do
or and stepped in through a thick wall of heat and steam brought about by a long day of cooking. Having only been at Sheriff’s apartment a handful of times, it now looked far more familiar than he expected. A worn-out choka board was set up on the table. There was a blanket strewn over the sofa, sewn together into a patchwork of yellows and reds. A grainy sepia photograph hung on the wall above, a young couple, not smiling, standing erect with a puzzled gaze, staring out at nothing, looking frozen in time in their crisp formalwear. Turning towards the second bedroom, he peered into an open closet where bright green and blue bazin dresses, intricately patterned and put together, hung. Then, turning towards the noises coming from the kitchen, Thomas saw the figure of a woman bustling about between pots and frying pans. It was then, facing his mother’s back, looking at a sight he’d seen so many times before, that Thomas realized – in some respect, he was back at home.
Footsteps approached from behind, up the stairs. Thomas turned to see that he’d forgotten to close the door behind him.
“Brother!” Sheriff exclaimed as he walked in with Thomas’s father, John. Each carried a bag with some fruits and vegetables. Striding towards his little brother, Sheriff, whose thick gold chain hung freely around his neck, raised his free hand high, revealing a large, shiny watch, and slapped Thomas’s back. “It is good to have you here with us. Like old times, together as a family.”
The force with which Sheriff slapped Thomas’s back unnerved him and he reacted tepidly to his brother’s welcome. Thomas watched Sheriff’s expression change. His face displayed his brother’s more deviant side. Thomas had seen this sinister expression countless times before, too many times.
“Right, brother?” Sheriff insisted, somewhat sternly, but still with the façade of excitement. “All of us together in Banjul!”
“Of course,” Thomas answered, standing motionless. “Hello, Father. Here, let me take that for you.”
“Nonsense! If I could move a whole house to Banjul, I can carry some bananas and onions. Just because I live in a city doesn’t mean I have to become lazy.”
As Thomas’s father made his way towards the kitchen, his mother, Grace, turned to face them. Her eyes found Thomas’s and they stood looking at each other. Her smile was endearing, the way a mother looks at her youngest child, the one she had to watch out for a little bit more.
The Order of Nature Page 9
