by Shey Stahl
Picking up his helmet and my purse for me, he smiled as he rubbed his chest where my head had hit. “It’s okay,” he replied softy, still smiling.
It wasn’t the first time I had ever looked at him, but it was the first time I really looked at him. He had a boyish appearance to his six foot frame. Muscular with a defined chest and arms, you could tell he spent hours manhandling a bike every week. His hair was longer than I had seen it in the past, chocolate strands grazing his thick lashes that framed his eyes.
Watching him for a moment, my legs started to wobble and I almost began drooling. In attempt to control myself, I lowered my eyes and rested my gaze on his hands.
Sweet Jesus, he had nice hands.
Before I could make a fool of myself any more, I started to walk away, completely embarrassed that I rammed him with my head.
Rammed him?
I only made it about a foot before he sighed.
“So…” he began but stopped suddenly when I looked at him.
“What?” I wanted to say more but I was speechless.
As he stared at me, I wondered if he thought there might be something mentally wrong with me. I could never form complete sentences if he was around. Surely, that would be an indication I wasn’t all there.
“Oh…uh…” he mumbled, avoiding my eyes. His hands fumbled with the goggles attached to his helmet. It made me feel slightly better that he couldn’t form his words either. “Are you still coming with us?”
My eyes went to my feet as well, mentally telling myself not to say anything stupid. “Yeah, is that okay?”
An outsider to this conversation would have laughed at how challenging speaking to each other seemed to be for us.
His only answer was a warm smile.
“That’s a yes?” It was painful to carry on a conversation like that but somehow we did.
He nodded running his hand down a light stubble that shadowed his jaw, his blue eyes twinkling. “You ready to leave tomorrow?”
I used his response and nodded instead of actually speaking.
“See you tomorrow then,” he said over his shoulder as he walked towards his truck.
I just stood there, strangely reluctant to leave. I enjoyed talking to him in a weird and thrilling way that made me want to fall harder for him. I watched him walk back to his truck in all his tall, athletic grace, my eyes lingering on his ass.
Tossing his helmet next to him in the passenger seat, he got in and drove away without another glance.
I watched the black Chevy until the taillights were no longer visible, and then I breathed.
It took me a good five minutes to get the courage to walk again after he spoke to me.
I couldn’t help but get excited because we had actually talked, but I was also a little repulsed at how enthusiastic I was about that trip to Moab.
After having an hour-long conversation with Addy that night, I relaxed enough to finish packing my clothes and riding gear for our trip. Justin picked up my bike earlier in the week, so now all I needed to do was get my clothes ready. Sometime before ten, I had two bags packed and sitting outside my bedroom door. That was when it hit me for the first time. I was going on summer break with the boy that I had a crush on. What would happen? Would I fall harder for him? Would we kiss? Would we do more? The nerves, the excitement, the unknown were almost too much.
Before I went to bed that night, Rick came into my room to, I assumed, lay down the road rules. I was wrong as usual when it came to him.
I didn’t know my real dad. He died before I was born, so Rick was all I knew and loved. He and my mom met when I was two weeks old. She needed her car repaired and the rest was history.
To me, he was my real dad, and he never gave me a reason to think anything less. It was only natural that he would be concerned about his only daughter going on a road trip with two boys she barely knew.
“Listen, Rowan.” He sat down on the edge of my bed, staring at his calloused hands that provided a roof over our head and food on the table. Rick worked hard and his fingers and tired eyes could attest to that. Sometimes, I wondered if he ever had a time for himself, a moment to step back. Something told me he never had. “I know you’re a smart girl, just be careful.”
“I will.”
“I don’t mean with riding either.” He looked at me with a smile. “I mean with Parker.”
I panicked. “What are you talking about, Dad? I’m not…with him.”
He chuckled lightly, but the concern wasn’t absent from his tone. “I know a thing or two about being a seventeen-year-old boy. Neither one of you have to be with each other to get into trouble. Just think before you jump.”
“Are you trying to talk to me about suicide?” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
“No, I’m talking about boys, Rowan.”
“Nice advice…” I cackled. “Think before you jump? Dad, who gives advice like that?”
He slapped at my shoulder. “Stop that. It’s the only thing I could think of. Just be careful, okay?” I nodded and he stood adjusting his hat. “I know you will make smart decisions. You always do, kid.”
“Thanks.”
Before he left, he handed me an envelope with a wide grin. “Have fun.”
I peeked inside to see money, lots of money. “What’s all this?” There had to be nearly a thousand dollars in that envelope. It was more money than I’d ever seen before. For a moment, I was a little concerned that he didn’t have that kind of money to give me.
“It’s your bonus.”
“Bonus? Wow. Dad, you didn’t have to do that.” I knew his shop struggled at times. I saw the invoices coming in and understood that we weren’t made of money.
“Rowan, if anyone deserves to go and have a good time, it’s you. Enjoy yourself.”
“Wow,” I repeated, swallowing hard, my eyes getting wider as my fingertips touched the edges of the money. “Thanks, Dad. Did Addy get one too?”
Addy was in the same situation. Mia struggled to provide everything she could for Addy and her working helped pay the bills sometimes.
“Yeah, I gave it to her before she left but asked her not to tell you. I wanted to personally give it to you and see that excitement I see right now. It’s a good feeling seeing that smile.”
Moving from the bed, I reached up and hugged him as tight as my scrawny arms could. “Thanks, Dad.”
“You’re welcome. Be careful out there, and if there is ever a time where you don’t feel comfortable…on a trail…don’t do it.”
He wasn’t talking about a trail and I knew it.
“I won’t,” I said, going with it anyway.
“I know.” He gave another smile that touched his hazel eyes this time. “Like I said, you’re a smart girl.”
I wasn’t sure how I felt about his confidence in me. What if I wasn’t smart? And what if I didn’t want to be smart?
I didn’t like all the trust he had in me at times. It made me feel like he was setting me up for early disappointment.
Sarah, my crazy mother, knocked on my door shortly after my dad left holding a brand new blender.
“What’s that?” I asked skeptically, eying the blender.
You needed to be skeptical when my mom gave you presents. Once she gave me a gallon of gasoline because she said she had a dream that I set a car on fire. She wanted me to be prepared and have enough gas for such a task. What kind of mother did that?
Well, mine does. If anything, it showed just how much she really cared, crazy or not. I almost asked when she handed me the gas if I was to plot a murder, would she would buy the gun? Afraid of her answer, I left that one alone.
She handed me the new blender with a bright smile. “It’s a graduation gift. I figured if you were moving away, you needed a blender.” Her smile was genuine, and I had to smile myself.
I wasn’t graduating, nor was I moving away, but it was a sweet gesture. Pushing her dark chocolate curls from her face, I touched the scar on her cheek and grinned at h
er crazy logic. “Thanks, Mom.”
I looked like a spitting image of my mother with loose brown curls that cascaded down the middle of my back, green eyes, and olive skin. I tanned well and most people thought I was Hispanic, but I wasn’t, just good skin.
“No problem.” She was completely lost in all this. “Now, you have a good time in Florida.” It also wasn’t lost on me that her idea of a good time and mine were entirely different.
It took me forever to get to sleep that night. My mind kept replaying images of Parker and our conversation. Then, in fear, I would contemplate not going. Then I was back to going and thinking of all the naughty things I could do to Parker if we were alone. And then, scared again, I was back to not going.
June 19, 1997
The next morning, Addy and I had plans to meet at the shop and then head out from there with Justin and Parker. All my tossing and turning had me contemplating not going, but in the end Addy wasn’t having it and neither were my parents.
“Are you sure it’s okay that I go?” I asked my dad when we pulled into the gravel parking lot behind the shop where everyone was waiting.
He gave a nod but kept any emotion from his response. It was hard on him. “I’m sure, but I will be chatting with those boys about my Rick Rules.”
I had to laugh. He had so many of these Rick Rules that I lost track.
Addy was already there by the time we arrived, standing shyly next to Justin. My dad stayed and talked with Justin and Parker for a moment before leaving, and I briefly wondered if he was going above the Rick Rules and trying to scare them with some kind of I-own-a-gun speech. He was big on putting the fear of God in any boy I showed interest in, but he also smiled a lot while talking to the O’Neil boys, so I thought this particular speech might have been a little different.
“I’ll call you when we get there,” I said, trying to ease the worry from my dad’s face.
“Good,” he said, giving me a wink. “Take care of yourself.”
“Uh…take care of Mom,” I told him, hugging him tightly.
He laughed, returning the hug. “I got that handled. I got her favorite ice cream and the box set of N.Y.P.D. Blue. I think we’re good.” If anything, he knew how to take care of my mom, and I appreciated that. She needed special care and lots of love, both of which he provided.
My dad said goodbye but didn’t offer any more of his advice.
When he drove away, I looked over the truck and trailer parked to the side of the shop. The bikes were loaded in the back of the O’Neil’s trailer. Parker’s Chevy was loaded with coolers, tents, and bags. All we had to do was get in.
Standing in a circle staring at each other, we were ready to go. Only problem was, none of us were moving. We just stood there staring at each other.
“Well,” Justin began, looking at the map and tipping his head towards Addy who was still standing beside him. “I have the trip planned out for the most part. Addy has a few places she wants to stop at as well.”
“I was thinking maybe we could stop in Olympia and eat,” Addy said, standing beside me now, her hands buried in the pockets of her hooded sweatshirt. “That way we can finalize our route an all...”
Justin looked at Parker who nodded but said nothing.
That was when I took in his early morning, drowsy appearance. He was dressed in dark gray cargo shorts with a white T-shirt that had some racing logo splattered across the front of it and gray Reef sandals.
Justin elbowed him when he didn’t say anything. “Okay?”
Parker glared but smiled. “Sounds good to me.” He gave a tip of his head to his truck, gesturing me to get in.
He yawned, stretching his arms above his head as he waited for us. Naturally my eyes went south trying to catch a peek at his stomach. I wasn’t disappointed. It was just a peek, but I could see the sharp lines of muscles and a little patch of hair below his belly button that I wanted to explore.
It was going to be a long ride to Moab with those thoughts in my head.
Parker and Justin sat up front while Addy and I squeezed in the backseat. Thank goodness his truck was a four door because with a twenty-one hour drive ahead of us, it wouldn’t have been very comfortable.
We ended up going further south than Olympia and pulled off I-5 in Rochester to eat at a restaurant called the Red Barn. During the thirty-minute drive, I caught myself staring in the review mirror watching Parker from a distance. With one hand on the steering wheel and the other rubbing back and forth across his bottom lip, he kept his eyes on the road and never looked up. Thankfully. I didn’t want to get caught staring at him, but I also couldn’t tear my eyes from him.
Here we were crammed in a truck together when not more than a few days ago we hadn’t even spoken to one another.
Addy had maps and brochures spread all over the table before the waiter came by to take our order. “Where the hell did all this come from? It’s like you’re a tour guide or something,” I said, laughing.
Parker and Justin chuckled when Addy glared at me.
“You guys laugh now but you haven’t traveled with her before.” I warned.
“What can I get you to drink?” The waiter flipped his tablet open as our laughs drifted through the empty restaurant.
“I’ll just have water,” I told him, picking up one of the maps with white water rafting on it.
Parker cleared his throat and moved a little closer to me, his breathing light. I felt my eyes dart to him with every motion he made, scrutinizing what he was thinking and doing.
Addy ordered water and a small orange juice. She was diabetic so any time she took her medication before she ate, she made sure to drink orange juice as well just in case her meal didn’t arrive in a timely manner.
“I’ll have a black coffee,” Justin said, smiling at Addy.
“Water, please,” Parker said softly, looking over the menu.
I suddenly had a pair of brass balls and asked, “Do you even like coffee?”
Parker looked up and me and winked, his smile hidden by his hands that his chin rested on. “I don’t drink coffee.”
Addy giggled beside me causing Justin to laugh too. “I told you.”
“So…you bought coffee from me every morning and what…dumped it out?”
“Justin drank it,” was Parker’s quiet response. He looked embarrassed and uncomfortable, pretty much that same as me.
“I think what Parker is trying to say, Rowan,” Justin began, but Parker elbowed him which caused him to cough and clutch his side. “Nothing.” Justin choked. “Fuck man…” he gave Parker a glare “...Parker wasn’t saying anything.”
My cheeks flushed as did Parker’s. He sat back slowly and ran his hands through his hair as if he was nervous about my reaction.
The rest of breakfast I didn’t say a word and neither did Parker. Justin and Addy had the entire trip planned out, and we were on our way to Boise an hour later, still not talking. I was surprised at how easily Justin and Addy’s conversations flowed as if they’d known each other for years. I was jealous that I couldn’t pull my head out of my ass and actually speak to Parker.
By noon, we had made it to The Dalles stopped for food again. This time we made it quick in order to make it to Boise before sundown.
It took longer than we expected when we finally found a campground Addy was okay with. She had high expectations of a bathroom, which none of them had. Eventually, we found one she was satisfied with, and we were able to set up our campsite.
“Where does this pole go?” Addy held up the pole, turning to Justin. She was trying to put the tent up while Parker and I got the fire going.
I should re-phrase that. Parker got the fire going. I simply watched in awe at his boy scout skills.
After cooking hotdogs and hamburgers with the fire he made, we sat around talking.
I watched Parker carefully that night. For being a seventeen-year-old boy, he seemed to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I wasn’t sure why. I began to
realize that the quiet shy side was a protective side as well.
He watched me just as carefully and listened intently to everything I said.
When I got up to get water, he did too and asked if I needed help. When I had to go to the bathroom and Addy didn’t, he walked with me so I wasn’t alone.
That’s when he spoke again.
“I bought the coffee for Justin,” he said when I came back out, glancing at me doubtfully.
We stopped in the darkness. The moonlight seemed to provide just enough light so I could make out his outline but I couldn’t see his eyes.
The darkness acted as a shield and gave us the courage to speak openly, something neither of us were comfortable with. “To see me,” I deduced optimistically.
“Yes, to see you.”
CHAPTER 3
Rowan Jensen
Tire Wall
This is a wall of tires that are bound together on the side of the track. The tire wall is designed to absorb the impact of bikes that hit it after spinning off the track.
June 20, 1997
“I hate you, you stupid snoring little person,” I muttered mostly to myself.
Though I wanted her to, there was no way Addy could hear me with the horrific nasally noises coming from her.
Addy and I slept in a tent together that first night. After that, I bought my own tent and slept by myself. For being so tiny, I couldn’t understand how she could sound like that. I mean seriously, she sounded like a damn freight train every time she took a breath.
That morning, I sat by the fire trying to boil water for coffee when Parker emerged from his tent with Justin, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans.
When he noticed me, he quickly pulled on a hooded sweatshirt.
I finally got a glimpse, and no, I wasn’t disappointed. He could easily pose for the cover of a muscle and fitness magazine.
In a form of acknowledgment, he tipped his head towards me with a smile before walking down a gravel road towards the bathrooms.
When he returned, he sat down next to me in a folding chair. “So the coffee girl drinks coffee as well?”
“Yeah.” I gave him a half smile, wishing the water would just boil already. “You don’t want to know me if I haven’t had coffee.”
