by Shey Stahl
Not that I was any better, and unfortunately we never got any better at it.
Justin stuck his head inside. “I’m sorry, but I have to pee. I won’t listen, I promise,” he offered politely as he ran to the bathroom down the hall from the kitchen.
Addy giggled. “I think we’re done here.” She jumped down from the counter and whispered in my ear as Parker went upstairs. “He likes you, a lot.”
Hearing that was a good thing because I was damn near ready to bake his adorable ass cupcakes that spelled out “Will you go steady?” in sprinkles.
You see notes worked for me. Adorable shy Parker and his cute, soft laughs, those winks, and then that confident stare, all that shit worked for me. I wanted more of it.
So there I was sharing a room with Parker for the two weeks we were in Moab. I didn’t mention any of that when I called my parents that night. I gave as little information as needed.
“Hey, Dad,” I said when he answered. I sat down on the bed, eying Parker’s bag that he tossed there before sneaking outside to unload the trailer.
I watched through the bedroom window as they unloaded. Both the boys stripped off their shirts. You could tell they were brothers if you know what I mean.
“How’s it going so far?” my dad asked.
“Yeah, we arrived about an hour ago.” I nearly had to wipe the drool from my mouth when Parker picked my bike up with one hand so Justin could untangle a tie down that was around the front tire.
“Well your mom asked about you this morning.” He laughed but the sadness in his tone tugged at my heart. “I told her once again that you were just away on summer vacation.”
It’s probably time I mention what’s wrong with my mother. She’s not insane. She was in a bad car accident when I was four that nearly killed her.
After suffering a traumatic brain injury, she experienced short-term memory loss. She drank but never to the point where it became harmful to her or others. She was happy and always smiling. That was all that mattered to my dad and me. He frequently checked with the doctors as to the damage her drinking may cause, but so far, nothing detrimental. We always dumped out the bottles and filled them half full of water because she didn’t know the difference. Her liver had probably seen better days but whose hadn’t? Hell, those Whoppers from Burger King probably did just as much damage.
My mom didn’t have a driver’s license, for good reason, and had no desire to drive anywhere anyways. She was my happy, slightly unstable mom that I loved. She’d always be waiting with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s if I had a bad day. She might ask why I had a bad day ten times in a row, but she was still there for me regardless.
“So, no riding yet?”
“Not yet. I think the plan is for Thursday.” No parent in the right mind would have let their underage child go away from the summer with two boys, but my parents did. I had a hard time understanding why. “What made you decide to let me go?” I asked.
“Justin. He’s very persuasive.” My dad sighed as the tone in his voice changed. “You’ve helped me with your mom for so long and never complained. You also never got to act your age. Now’s your chance kid.” He laughed indiscriminately. “Just don’t get arrested, please.”
“Don’t worry, Moab doesn’t have much for a seventeen-year-old outlaw. I think I’m safe.”
Rick laughed again. “I better get going. Your mom is trying to bake a pie, but I’m not so sure about her and the oven together. I’m also not sure what she used for ingredients.”
“Oh, well you better go help her. Give her a hug for me.” I laughed and hung up.
Standing there at the window, I watched the boys unload the rest of the gear into the garage. Looking around the room, I noticed pictures of Parker and Justin from when they were younger on a bookshelf near the window. My fingers traced the distorted metal edge of the frame to a photograph with their father. It had to be him by the resemblance. They were all dressed in riding gear, holding their helmets at their sides. Parker appeared to be maybe twelve or thirteen. He looked different. Something about him changed from that bright-eyed boy to the shy detached version he was now. His dad looked more like Justin than Parker with his light brown hair and blue-gray eyes. All three had the same O’Neil grin though.
“That was taken the last summer we were here with him,” a soft voice said from behind.
I nearly pissed myself and knocked the frame over when I saw Parker leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest. Thankfully, his shirt was back on. “Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to snoop around in your room.”
“It’s all right.” Parker smiled. “I don’t mind.” He moved forward, pointing to the photos. “That one there...” he gestured to one on the left side of the shelf closest to me “...that’s my mom and Justin when he was ten.”
“Where is your mom?”
His eyes darted towards the floor. “I’m not sure. She left that winter. I was thirteen.” He sniffed, running his hand through his hair. “We haven’t seen her since.”
Hearing the sadness in his voice made me realize how broken all of us were in some way. No one ever had it the way the Beavers did. Broken homes were all around us.
Take a look at Addy, for instance. Her parents gave her up because they were sixteen and didn’t think raising a kid in high school would work. Justin and Parker’s parents were both gone. My mom, well she clearly wasn’t well, but she was still with me. My point was that you think your life is the only one like it but it’s not. There were people who had it better, sure, but there were so many more who had it way worse. And then there were the people who were right there with you, just trying to make sense of everything the same way you were.
I didn’t want to see Parker broken. I wanted to fix him and heal his wounds, but it was never my place to do so. The hardest part for me was realizing I couldn’t fix him.
Looking over at Parker, his expression was distant, so I looked towards the bed. “So we’re roommates, huh?”
Removing his hat, he chuckled, running his hand nervously through his wavy hair again, causing it to stand on end. He tossed the hat on the bed and leaned against the wall. “I can sleep on the floor. I won’t bother you.”
He still had yet to actually look at me, so I touched his forearm softly with my fingertips. “Don’t be silly. It’s your bed. I’ll sleep on the floor.”
“I refuse to let you do that.” His eyes finally met mine, and a smile tugged at his full lips. “You take the bed.” He tipped his head to the bed.
Eying the bed, I realized it was king sized and spoke before I could catch myself. “We could sleep together. I wouldn’t mind.”
There. It was out there.
Parker coughed and then laughed nervously. Silently, I added those particular noises to my growing list of noises he made that I found so endearing. I was like one of those mothers to a newborn child that cooed over everything the baby did whether it was a sneeze or a fart.
“As much as that sounds appealing, I would rather not.”
Wow, rejection feels a whole lot worse than I thought.
My face flushed even brighter than the conversation with Addy. At least he didn’t reach out to flick my cheeks like she did.
Parker seemed to realize my embarrassment and stepped forward, his chest inches from mine, before he slowly moved his hand under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He sighed, his eyes firmly on mine.
Up until then, I wasn’t sure I had made complete eye contact with him during the day. His eyes, light and guarded, opened up to me. He was scared, terrified even. “I kissed you…” his long fingers traced the line of my lips as he spoke “...I’ve wanted that kiss since the moment I walked into your dad’s shop six months ago. I’ve wanted a lot of things for the past six months.” He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to my lips, and I automatically closed my eyes. “That’s why we can’t share a bed.”
“We can’t share a bed because you want more?” M
y eyes remained shut. I didn’t want to see rejection again.
“Yes.” I finally opened them when I heard the smile in his voice. “Very much so but…I’ve never done this sort of thing before. I don’t know how.”
“Kissing?”
“No, I mean innocent girls like you who deserve more than a guy like me.”
Say what?
“Oh, so you’ve…”
Please for the love of God know what I’m implying.
“No…oh God...” he tried to backtrack quickly “...that came out completely wrong…shit.” The hesitant side returned, and he pulled away from me completely. “I mean girlfriends…or…fuck. I'm making this way worse than necessary,” he muttered, sitting down on the bed and shaking his head.
Justin and Addy with their incredible fucking timing came into the room. “Hey, we’re going to get dinner. Wanna go?”
Fuck the both of you.
“Yeah.” Parker jumped up with relieved enthusiasm. “Let’s eat.”
Damn.
Against my desire to stay and actually speak to each other, we all went to dinner that night at the Fiesta Mexicanna restaurant. Once again, neither of us said anything to the other. Parker didn’t really say anything to anyone and instead, sat in a comfortable silence eating until a guy approached the table.
“Hey, Parker.” The guy looked confused for a moment. “Is that you?”
Parker seemed apprehensive at first. “Yeah…” His eyes widened. “Dusty?”
“Yeah, dude!” The guy smiled widely. “Holy shit, it’s been a long time.”
Parker stood and shook his hand. “No kidding. How have you been?”
“Good…” He pulled back to look at Parker, sweeping his thick black hair from his face with a grin. “Man, I don’t think I’ve seen you since the Ponca City Grand National Championship. What was that…two years ago?”
“Yeah, something like that,” Parker muttered, leaning against the table, his arms crossed over his chest.
I knew enough about Motocross to know there were three levels to it. First, you had local, which was just your average track where riders honed their skills and got over any nerves they had. Then you had the regional level where you compete across state lines and usually lined up next to semi-serious riders who had future Motocross and Supercross dreams. At the top of that were national events. These were for the serious riders and often times had the corporate factory sponsors backing them.
I also knew enough, through everyone else so far, that Parker O’Neil was a professional Supercross racer. He didn’t act like a professional racer, not that I knew of any, but it just seemed that he was too shy for that. He never mentioned racing or the lifestyle I assumed he had when he was racing. To me, he seemed normal, like any other seventeen-year-old kid.
Dusty laughed at something Justin said, drawing my attention to them. “So you’re just here for the summer? When does the season start back up for you?”
Parker took a seat next to me in the booth without saying any more.
Justin took over. “Yeah, we’re here for a few weeks, and then we’re heading to Anaheim. Parker has to be back in California again by late November.”
Never mind the fact that I now knew that he wouldn’t be staying in Washington, but I also couldn’t believe how quickly Parker could shut down. It was as if a switch flipped.
Not knowing what to say, I whispered in his ear, “Are you okay?”
Parker’s head tipped in my direction, leaning against the top of mine. “You wanna go for a walk?” His words were mumbled, but I heard the longing to escape.
Nodding quickly, he reached for my hand before handing Justin some money. “We’ll meet you back at the condo later.” His eyes glanced to Dusty. “I’ll see you around.” He patted his back once before moving past him and helping me from the booth.
“Oh, well, I’m riding the Poison Spider Mesa trail tomorrow.” Dusty raised his eyebrows at Parker. “You up for that?”
Parker scratched the top of his head with his left hand, his right holding mine. “Not sure. Justin and I are taking the girls out tomorrow on a ride.”
“They can come too.”
Parker shook his head. His eyes shifted to mine and then back to Dusty. “Nah, that’s a little much for them.”
Dusty’s brow furrowed as he glanced at me and smiled. He seemed amused when he looked down at our joined hands. “And you are?”
“She’s Rowan.” Parker’s hand tightened around mine. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that was an act of jealousy. “Later, Dusty.”
We were out the door before I had time to comprehend what just happened. Sneaking a glance back at the booth once more, I saw the three of them staring at us, including Addy.
On the street, Parker pulled me with him.
He came to a stop just before we crossed the street.
“I’m sorry.” His breathing was rough. “I just needed to get out of there.” That wasn’t the last time Parker panicked and ran from a situation he felt uncomfortable with. I learned quickly that he did it often. That was the first time I witnessed it, and every time it got harder and harder to watch.
He didn’t speak again until we were heading to watch the sunset at Arches National Park. It seemed romantic and not something we should be doing, but he still had my hand, so I was simply a follower at that point. I wasn’t about to let go either.
“I’m sorry about that,” he whispered, his eyes focused on something in the distance. He kicked at a rock and the dirt rose in gentle clouds under our feet. “Dusty is not someone you should be around.” Based on the tone of his voice, it didn’t seem like something he wanted to discuss but more of an explanation of his behavior. He pushed his hand up, wiping the sweat from his forehead, and looked the other way.
I nodded as we continued to walk. Stumbling along behind him, I tripped a few times over various rocks. I wasn’t exactly the most graceful walker.
When we reached the top of the hill, Parker brushed off a rock for us to sit on.
When the sun set that night, the moon became our asylum from the world around us.
We weren’t shy under the stars, and he wasn’t so guarded. I didn’t have sudden word vomit, and Parker spoke his mind. The moonlight in Moab remained, to this day, the one place where both of us felt free to be ourselves.
A gentle breeze blew up from the canyon, and the sand whirled around us, displacing grains in its path and then settling again. The light from the moon shinned down on my bare legs making them seem as if they were glowing.
“I didn’t mean to…you know…make you think I didn’t want to sleep in the bed with you.”
Closing my eyes, I smiled when the wind picked up again, the breeze sending a shiver through me. Instead of offering a sweatshirt he didn’t have, he wrapped his arms around me to shield me from the wind.
“I know,” I whispered against the cotton of his shirt. Then I inhaled deeply as I did the night before. He smelled like a combination of laundry soap, deodorant, and summer.
I could feel him tense as he looked down at me. “I’ve never had a…well...you know.”
“Girlfriend?” I asked looking up at him.
The words seemed to hang between us. My stomach dropped as I waited for what he would say next. Judging by the life I knew he had, I thought for sure Parker was experienced with girls.
“Yeah…” His expression became amused when I smiled. “I’m not saying that I assume that’s what you are, but just so you know…if you want to be at some point...” He held both my hands in his.
Well then.
“Parker?” My eyes fluttered open and then closed.
“Yeah?”
“Can I kiss you?”
This time, he didn’t waste any time before his lips found mine, soft and gentle but yearning too. Time seemed to stand still, nothing mattered and nothing moved. It was just us and the moon. His tongue met mine, but this time we were both active participants in the event. I was no long
er stunned, now I was prepared.
Parker groaned into my mouth, pulling me against his chest, his lips hungry and searching for more. The sound of his soft groan sent another shiver through me; only this time it wasn’t from cold but excitement.
Still sitting on a rock, it was hard to get close, so without thinking, I moved to straddle him. Parker had been thinking and quickly gained any composure I lost during the kissing.
“Rowan.” He sighed, keeping me firmly in place, but I knew the switch had been flipped. “As much as that feels good, you need to get up.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled, untangling myself from him.
His hands clutched my hips tightly. “I just don’t want you to think that’s why we came out here.”
Nodding, I moved to sit next to him. We didn’t speak for about twenty minutes when he pulled me close to his side. “It’s nice to be here with you. I used to come up here with Justin, but he talks too much.”
“Yeah, he and Addy make the perfect match.”
Parker chuckled softly, his chest shaking me with his laughter. It made me smile.
“Were you close with your dad?”
And the word vomit returned.
“Jack?”
“No, I mean your real dad?”
Shut up, stop speaking.
Parker snorted. I thought he’d pull away, tense, and put up a few more tires, but surprisingly, under the safe haven of the moonlight, he opened up. “No, even before he died we were never close. He wasn’t much of a father figure.”
“That sucks.”
Parker was quiet for another few minutes before he spoke with a dim edge. “He never believed in me. Even after I got the factory ride at fourteen with Yamaha, he still didn’t believe I could do it. All he cared about was that I was living his dream and not to the level he wanted.” Parker’s voice was distant and his eyes remained on a rock a few feet away. “I was fourteen when I came home from racing at Perris Raceway in California to find him dead. He had…” Parker looked at me, his eyes cautious, waiting for me to judge him. I never did, and to this day, I never have.
“You mean…” I didn’t have to say the words. He knew I was implying that his dad might have committed suicide. “Oh my God, Parker…”
