by Shey Stahl
I tried to move towards him, but he wasn’t having it. He held up his hands.
Parker pushed away from me, his eyes squeezing shut tightly, his mouth opening as he gasped for air. I wasn’t letting him go, not that easy, and I clung to him, pathetic in my neediness, but I couldn’t help it. I gripped his shoulders with my hands and tried to make him look at me.
“Jesus, you act like I never asked you to stay.” He gasped. With a clumsy lurch, he stepped back, ramming hard against the hauler door. His riding boots squeaked with the motion on the tile floor.
I pushed up to my feet, reaching out for him. “I’m sorry, Parker. I meant to tell you about him,” I pleaded.
“No you didn’t,” he said, his voice strained with emotion. He twisted away from my hands and staggered back towards the front of the hauler. I caught up to him in the small space. The second my hands touched his back, he stopped and turned into the wall, resting his forehead against it. He was breathing so hard, dragging in deep, ragged breaths as his jersey clung to his chest and back. “I don’t understand why this shit has to be so hard between us. It’s fucked up,” he said in a hollow rasp.
“It’s like this because neither one of us wants it to end, but we can’t get our shit together and see what’s right in front of us.” I kept my hand on his shoulder and crouched a little, trying to see his face, but he kept it down.
“For fuck’s sake, Ro, you act like you’re just some girl I call every once in a while. You’re not!” He pounded his fists against the wall on either side of his head and it made me jump.
“Don’t you see…I am because that’s the way it has always been,” I said, desperate to keep him from pushing me away completely. We may have been fighting but at least we were talking. It didn’t stop the anger from surfacing.
Parker snorted a laugh but I talked over him.
“We have absolutely no communication other than you calling when you need me. What does that tell you about our relationship?” My eyes were burning and I kept blinking thinking that if I did, he wouldn’t see the tears coming. The thought of him knowing my true feelings surrounding our relationship was frightening to me and the very reason why we never communicated. I wanted him to see that this wasn’t the kind of life I wanted. I wanted a man that was there for me through everything and a life of my own, not something where I followed a boy around.
Parker finally straightened up and looked at me. His face was full of pain and anger. He reached out and grabbed my shoulders, but it wasn’t like before. He was holding me there, pinning me down at an arm’s length. I reached up and closed my hands around his wrists, but he didn’t move and I couldn’t get closer.
“All you had to do was call and everything would have changed.”
Call? Me call?
It was like this shit was some kind of sick joke between us, both of us seeing how badly we could hurt the other. All I could do was stare back at him. I was willing those fucking tears not to fall, but I could feel each one escape anyway. “It doesn’t change anything, Parker.”
I was pissed by that point. I was pissed at myself, him, his career, my lack of motivation to do anything with my life, our situation… I was pissed because it all came down to this and why nothing ever changed. I thought I could come here and tell him how I felt and that maybe something would change but it didn’t.
When I started to cry, his face finally softened, but he still didn’t bring me closer. There was sorrow there and regret for what we had now became.
“I’m not okay with you seeing Sean and me,” he said softly. “Chose one of us.”
“Don’t do that to me,” I cried, my voice shaking with tears. My vision started to blur. “I don’t tell you who you can see when I’m not here. I never told you that you couldn’t talk to Kayla.”
“She’s my agent, Ro. I don’t have a choice and you know that. You have a choice. Besides, I’m not seeing her. She’s only a friend.” He sighed and his eyes looked so sad and tired. It was like the last few years he had aged ten years.
I wanted to believe him but everything she said and did was with purpose. She wanted me to see them together, which was why she sent the pictures to me.
He looked down at the ground again with that jaded, bitter look he got whenever our relationship came up. I swallowed hard. “I just wanted you. I didn’t care what I was to you. I only wanted you.”
His whole face twisted in disgust, and I immediately regretted what I said. “The fucking problem is that you never saw what you were to me,” he said, his voice hard with anger. “You assumed what you were!”
“But you never led me to believe anything else,” I insisted.
I slid my hands up his arms, desperate for him to let me touch him. If I could just touch him again, I thought he would understand that this was me finally standing up for myself in this. I wasn’t trying to break his heart though he’d been breaking mine for years.
Regardless of what we had been doing to each other, our bond and our love was too strong to deny and we knew that. It was why we constantly ran to each other. But still, how long could this really go on for before one of us got hurt?
Our answer was right in front of us.
His face collapsed as his anger faded. He tipped his head forward, his chin practically on his chest. Elbows bent, it was enough to move forward, so I did. I moved into his arms, my hands finding his sides, pulling him towards me. His arms fell around me and he sighed.
“Did you fuck him?”
“No…” I said, my mouth almost against his neck. He groaned, and then turned his head just enough so his mouth connected with mine again. I wanted to cry in relief. There was no way he could say no to this, and it didn’t seem like he was. He tightened his arms that were loosely folded around me. I reached up for his shoulders, gripping his wet jersey and pulling myself up to be tall enough. He lifted me until I could wrap my arms around his shoulders. Then I kissed him.
We could hear someone knock on the door. Parker kicked the door hard. His riding boots dented the door slightly. “Get lost!”
“Parker, there’s five minutes until the main!”
He kicked the door again, his anger flaring. “I said get lost!”
In a tiny moment when there was air between us, before he took my mouth from another direction, he whispered, “I can’t live without you, Ro… Stay with me.”
It felt so right when he would say things like that, but I also knew how this would end. He knew it too. I moaned and hung on tighter, avoiding it.
After today, who knew what would become of us? Right now, I knew this was what we needed.
Parker took one step and my back was against the counter near the helmet he had sent flying earlier. His hand slid down past my hip, over my ass, wrapping around the back of my thigh. He lifted my legs and wrapped them around his hips, pressing himself against me and the counter. At some point, when that stopped being enough, he moved to the floor and laid me down.
With anger, hurt, and regret all shining through his heated stare, his hands moved from my upper thighs to his jersey, ripping it over his shoulders. It landed next to my head as he pushed my dress up around my waist.
His hands then moved to his riding pants, his eyes still on mine. I couldn’t break his gaze enough to watch what he was doing, just that he was doing something.
There was no questioning the look in his eyes, and I wasn’t about to. Soon, we were both naked, remembering why we lived for those phone calls, feeling every part of our love together.
We moved fast and I hated that it was turning into this, but in all actuality, this was us whether I wanted to admit it or not. Our bond, though it was emotional, was just as much physical too.
It was an urgent tumble as we pushed aside clothing. Parker was ready, poised over me, his riding pants down around his ankles and my dress pushed up over my waist. “Fuck,” he whispered, knowing my body was only his. “You didn’t fuck him, did you?”
I shook my head, looking back at
him.
Then he moved inside me and I couldn’t think anymore. I could only feel.
In those moments, we were one and everything changed.
But, like everything else between us, when it was over, we were both left wondering where our relationship would be now.
“I have to leave,” I said, twisting to find my dress that had been thrown to the side. Parker reached down and pulled his riding pants back up. When he them back on, he grabbed his jersey that was by my legs and slid it over his shoulders.
When I went to move, he stopped me.
Parker’s hand closed on my upper arm, his gaze intent on mine. “Just talk to me. Why does it have to be like this? Stay with me.”
“Why? Because it’s good for you or me?” My voice was loud and angry, shaky with each word. I flung my arm up and it broke his hold on me. I wanted to punch something, maybe him at how selfish he was being and how he couldn’t see what this entire situation had been doing to me all this years.
His jaw snapped closed and his eyes went wide with surprise. Then he looked the ground, the muscles in his jaw clenched. He didn’t say anything but that was the answer I needed.
“I need to go and you have a race.” I started to reach for my dress again, but he reached forward grabbing my arm again.
“Damn it, why do you always do this? Why won’t you let us be the way we should?” His voice was loud, echoing in the small space.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to tell him that I couldn’t stay because I felt myself slipping and I didn’t want to be that girl I was becoming, the girl I couldn’t get away from.
Parker drew back with a sigh, but he knew this didn’t solve anything. Just like that, the warm feeling I always had with him was gone.
“I have a plane to catch.”
“Just…” He stopped and I looked up at him. He was pinching the bridge of his nose, and his eyes were shut. “We’ll talk about it later. Right now, I’ve got to get back out there for the main. You won’t stay for it?”
“I can’t. I have to be at the airport in an hour.”
When he reached his hand towards me, I took it and let him pull me to my feet. He lifted my bag onto my shoulder. He wasn’t looking at me or touching me and dread began to claw at my stomach knowing that I had pushed him to be this way. I was the one trying to end it, and I didn’t like it.
Parker motioned in front of him and I had no choice but to go. He followed me out of the hauler to the tent beside us where his sponsor rep was sitting with Kayla.
“Parker!” Kayla sighed. “It’s about time. You’re wanted in the staging area.” His bike was sitting there ready to go as Collin made a few adjustments.
Kayla looked at me. Her eyes slowly traveled down my body and then back up. She had to of known what we were doing in there. My cheeks were flushed, as were Parker’s, and my dress was wrinkled.
Parker turned to Collin. “Did you adjust the sag the way I asked this time? I was bottoming out in the whoops.”
Collin nodded, shoving a few more tools into his bag. “It should be good, man.”
Kayla looked at me again, her glare speaking volumes. “Do you honestly think fucking him is going to make a difference?”
I knew Parker didn’t hear exactly what she said, but his head whipped around to look at Kayla with shock.
He heard enough to know he didn’t like it. Seeing the look on his face and the reaction he was about to have, I took one step back so I was closer to Kurt than Kayla.
Kayla didn’t notice and instead pushed herself and her words deeper.
From her view, Kayla couldn’t see that Parker was standing not more than two feet from her.
“You’re fooling yourself if you think you will ever be more than just a booty call to him.” Her eyes assessed me longer than needed. She had done that any time we crossed paths.
“Don’t you think I know that? You’ve made that perfectly clear to me over the years, Kayla.” I could feel the tears again, hating every drop. “I know that I’ll never be what you are to him.”
“Are you fucking kidding me with shit right now, Kayla?” Parker shouted, and the group of fifteen people all turned to watch. “You don’t know anything about our relationship nor is it any of your goddamn business. Leave her alone!” He put so much force behind his words you could see the blood rush to his face. He was pissed, beyond pissed. His eyes narrowed dangerously on Kayla, barely able to speak through his anger.
Collin must have noticed and grabbed Parker’s arm right before he took an angry step towards Kayla. The helmet in his hand went flying across the factory tent and under the hauler with a crash of plastic scrapping against asphalt. I jumped at the noise and watched Kayla’s reaction.
She squealed and moved sideways as though she thought he was trying to hit her with it.
Onlookers watched and Collin whispered in Parker’s ear, his gaze still on Kayla. I think he knew this wasn’t the time or the place for it.
“Goddamn it!” he yelled as he reached for his helmet Kurt had retrieved. He took it from Kurt with an agitated swipe. His eyes were still wild and only on Kayla. “Why would you say that to her?”
Kayla had no answer. Nothing. With her shoulders curled over her chest, her arms clutching her waist, she looked from me to Parker but didn’t speak.
In a mixture of frustration and rage, he flung his arms away from Collin and Kurt with a growl but didn’t say any more.
We all stared at him, waiting to see what he was going to do. Slowly, his breath became more even as Collin whispered a few other things to him and a representative from Yamaha stepped forward to push him towards the staging area.
Commotion was all around us as other riders rode past with their mechanics and took to the staging area. It was time. I could see Kurt to my left waiting to take me to the airport. I gave him a nod but then looked back at Parker who was staring at his bike. I stared back at him, willing him to look at me, but he didn’t. He kept his eyes carefully averted. He felt what this was. I knew he did, which was why he wouldn’t look at me. I couldn’t stand this wall he had erected between us, but I helped build it. What did I really expect would happen?
Kurt smiled at me, a cell phone attached to his ear, barking orders at someone, keeping his eyes on his friend. “Ready to go, Rowan?”
“Yeah.” My voice sounded unnaturally casual for the situation.
Kurt glanced at Parker suspiciously and then back to me. Parker cleared his throat and then backed away, one hand rested on the seat of his bike, the other holding his helmet at his hip.
I looked at him trying not to let my panic show on my face.
“Parker…”
“I’ll call you tonight. Please answer,” he said. His eyes met mine for just a second, but it was like he wasn’t even there. He was vacant, detached, and he was already backing away.
“Okay.”
That was all he needed to be released. He turned on his heel and started to walk towards the staging area with Collin. Kayla remained standing under the tent with her head down, shoulders slumped.
Parker looked similar with his back hunched over. His hands fidgeted with the tear offs on his helmet and the water bottle in his hand. He was nervous and not for racing. He was nervous that tonight was the last night I would pick up the phone.
For years I had let this situation rule me. I had my mind set on the illusion that I could never completely have Parker the way I wanted. I tormented myself over what he was to me, only to fall right back under the spell every time he called. I was blind.
Every call I was drawn back into him. He wasn’t someone I could move on from. I tried. I put my entire fucking life on hold for him, and I was at the point where I hated him for it. I hated his career and Kayla and the lifestyle that tore us apart. I didn’t want to love him. I didn’t want the phone to ring or hear him beg me to come. The harder I resisted him, the harder the pull was.
CHAPTER 19
Parker O’Neil
&nbs
p; Panic Rev
A panic rev is a typical reaction when a rider sees that his front end is low in the air. Riders can sometimes bring the front end back up by tapping the rear brakes.
January 5, 2002
Every day I prayed that I wouldn’t fall apart if one day she stopped answering the phone. Only now it had finally come to that. I wasn’t so sure that I would hear from her again after tonight. There was something in her eyes, and then of course her words, that told me she was done. I didn’t want to believe it. I held out hope that if I called tonight, she would answer.
And then of course there was Kayla who I intended on dealing with after the race.
As I approached the staging area, I looked back and no longer saw Rowan or Kurt.
Collin nudged my ribs. “Get your mind here, buddy. Don’t think about her right now.”
I knew I needed to focus, but I couldn’t stop myself from wondering if it was really over. The thought made me physically sick.
I’d crashed more than I cared to admit in my career. I’d suffered a broken wrist here, a broken leg there. Broken ankles, arms, toes, I’d been knocked unconscious, had double vision for six weeks, and nearly had my rib cage crushed.
Nothing compared to seeing Rowan that night in Anaheim and the look in her eyes when Kayla said that to her. There was hurt, frustration for what we had become, and regret for letting it happen.
I was distracted, but that wasn’t the problem. Sure, my mind played with me wondering if she wanted more or less from me and what exactly Kayla had said to her over the years.
The thing was that I wanted more so bad at that point I was ready to leave my factory ride for her. That was saying something. Why couldn’t Ro see that?
Injuries happened. There was no way around it motorcycle racing. It was a part of the sport and you needed to accept that long before you ever threw a leg over a bike. Sometimes you had second thoughts when you ended up in the emergency room, but once the bone healed, you forgot all about that.
The problem was broken bones heal; broken hearts don’t. I loved Rowan back then, and still, after five years, I loved her just as much. She never gave me a choice. It was just what she made it out to be, but then again, I never pushed the issue.
