It was hard to explain. One minute me and Kaydoa were fine. He was doing whatever he had to in the streets, and taking care of me. And then one day he comes around, and the spark that was once in his eyes is missing. He doesn’t look at me the same. He doesn’t touch me the same. So, imagine being deeply in love with someone, and at one point they were in love with you too. I kept telling myself that I could fix whatever was broken. I could be a better girlfriend. A better lover. I mean, I tried everything from sucking his dick, to letting him fuck me in the ass. Nothing worked. He wouldn’t leave her alone.
Nobody understood me. Me and Kaydoa were good until Black Reign came along. That’s why I never liked the bitch. She and Kaydoa always looked at each other funny, and when I’d ask him if he had a thing for her he’d just smile, and tell me I’m tripping. So, I was hurt when I first found out that they were fucking. And when I finally confronted him about it he left me. He didn’t care about my feelings, as I sat and watched him on Facebook with her, kissing her like he was never in a two year relationship with me. He was shining and living good, while I was stressing. I was so lost that I began to take advice from anybody. My cousins told me that I was crazy to let Kaydoa go. They encouraged me to beg him back, and do anything to keep him.
That’s when I got Kaydoa back for a little while. Still, in my heart I knew that shit wasn’t right. He couldn’t even make me any promises that he wasn’t going to fuck her, anymore. And it eventually got to the point where I knew he was fucking her. I would look past it, because I was afraid of what confronting him could mean for us. Still, I pushed him to choose, and I was again left out in the cold.
I was devastated when Kaydoa left me to be with Black Reign. And it wasn’t because he’d left with his money. Little did people know, but he’d paid my rent up, and left me with thousands of dollars. I didn’t want that money. I wanted him.
So, when that bitch went to jail I felt like my prayers had been answered. I had my Kaydoa again…and a beautiful step-daughter. Looking at Kaylah, I couldn’t wait for me and Kaydoa to have our own baby. Therefore, I was overjoyed when I finally got pregnant. And it killed a part of my soul when Kaydoa admitted that he really didn’t want the baby. In my eyes he never really came around, and seemed almost relieved when I had a miscarriage. That alone broke my heart.
I became pregnant twice after the first miscarriage, and Kaydoa was never there for me. He actually suggested that I terminate the pregnancies sense I couldn’t carry them full term, anyway. I was crushed, and suffered alone. Then for him to turn around and get that bitch pregnant again was a complete slap in the face.
No matter how good I was to him it was never enough. I mean, he was a good man. He was very giving, but at the same time oh so selfish. Black Reign was always put before me. They thought I didn’t know where her big ass house was, but I knew. And they were both lucky that I didn’t burn that muthafucka down to the ground. I’d lost so many years dealing with him. Years that I could never get back. And I just needed to know why. So, I dialed him up.
Kaydoa
“Hello,” I answered my cell.
“Hey, I need you to stop by the house,” Farrah spoke on the other end of the phone.
“For what?” I scrounged. It had been a while since I’d talked to her, and I thought that she’d finally accepted that it was over between us.
“It’s important, and I really can’t say over the phone,” she claimed almost in a whisper.
I sighed, “Alright, man. I’ll be there in a few.” I ended the call.
“Who was that?” Hurt asked. We were stilling riding around in my car.
“That was Farrah. She claims that she got something important to tell me, but she can’t say over the phone.”
He grinned. “You believe that shit?”
I tapped the tip of my nose. “Not really. So, ride out there wit me. And run interference if she get to crying, and carrying on.”
“Man,” he drawled. “I already got to deal with my own bitch. Now, you dragging me out here to deal with a hoe that neither one of us is fucking.”
I chuckled. “Suck that shit up. You’ll live.”
“Whatever, nigga,” he waved his head, as I traveled down the freeway.
Twenty minutes later, I pulled up to the house I’d let Farrah have. It was a one story house in a fairly new subdivision. Her Audi was parked outside, and that muthafucka was past dirty. Me and Hurt eased out of the whip, as traveled up the driveway. Not wanting to get her hopes high, I rang the doorbell versus using the key I still had.
A whole minute later, she came to the door in some tiny shorts. “Hey,” she smiled weakly, as she stepped aside of let us in.
“What’s up?” I asked as I stood in the middle of the living room.
She cut her eyes at Lil Hurt. “Can I talk to you in our room?”
“Yeah, we can go to your room,” I emphasized as I strolled to the back of the house. I stepped into her room, and watched her follow me, before closing the door behind her.
“You can sit down,” she offered.
“Nah,” I waved my head. “I’m good. What was so important that you couldn’t tell me over the phone?”
“Umm,” she bit her bottom lip. “I…I need to ask you something.”
I furrowed my brows. “How do you go from needing to tell me something to having to ask me something?”
She waved her head, as she squeezed her eyes tightly. “How…how did we get to the point where you can’t even sit here and listen to what I have to say?”
Loudly exhaling, I grumbled. “Ask the question, main.”
She gazed at the wall. “I see that you aint gon make this easy for me.”
“Farrah, just tell me…or ask me whatever you got to ask,” I persisted, growing aggravated. Just then my phone started ringing. Pulling it out of my pocket, I saw that it was Jasmine calling. “Hurry up, cause I gotta go.”
She pursed her lips. “That must be that bitch calling you.”
I scratched the back of my neck. “Man, I aint got time for this shit. I’m gone.” I stomped out of the room.
“Oh, so you just gone walk away? Huh? Well, don’t forget your shit!” she lashed, as I headed to the living room.
Before I could make it to the door she came running into the living, hurling my shit on the floor. “Take all this shit with you, or I’ma take this shit to that house yall got in Katy!”
I spun around, and glared at her. How the fuck did she know where the other house was? “Yeah, you heard me!” she shouted, as she ran back to her bedroom. Seconds later, she reappeared with multiple shoe boxes in her arms. One by one she tossed them my way. They all tumbled to the floor. She dropped one box in front of her, and the contents slid across the floor. My .357 was then lying on the floor, and she quickly snatched it up.
“Give me my shit!” I commanded as I walked towards her. She aimed the gun at me.
“Nigga, stay the fuck back, before I blow your fucking head off!”
Lil’ Hurt laughed hysterically. “Nigga, I told you this bitch was crazy.”
“Nigga, shut your bitch ass up!” she turned the gun on him.
He continued to laugh. “What? I’m supposed to be scared now?”
“Yeah,” she gritted. “You need to be.”
He waved his head. “I aint Kaydoa, bitch. Ion give a fuck about ya feelings. Keep pointing that gun at me, and I’ma send my bitch over here to stomp a mud hole in ya dog ass. Mad cause that man don’t want you. Shit, I wouldn’t want your ass, neither. He might as well have a fucking blow-up doll laying next to him. All that fake ass you walking around here with. For what? What…to look more like Black Reign? Shit, you aint know? Why would he take the imitation, when he got the real thing at home? Bitch, you beyond last place. Yo ass is running backwards.” He snorted. “That fuckin’ gun probably aint loaded, anyway.”
“Shut up!” she screamed, as she pulled the trigger. BLOW! BLOW!
Two fucking bullets penetrated Hurt’
s body, sending him flying back.
“Oh my God!” Farrah screeched. “I…I really thought that it wasn’t loaded.”
“Fuck! Hurt, my nigga!” I ran over to my boy. He wasn’t moving. Blood gushed from his chest, and he wasn’t moving.
“No, no, no!” Farrah hopped up and down, crying. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this! You was supposed to love me, Kaydoa! This aint how it’s supposed to be,” she whimpered like a baby. “Why couldn’t you just love me? Why couldn’t you be with me? Huh?!”
I glared at her, thinking about blowing her fucking brains out. Luckily for her, my pistol was in my car. “Bitch, cause you fucking weak! You just killed my friend!”
“Oh God,” she bawled, as her shoulders trembled. “It didn’t have to be this way,” she placed the gun to her temple.
I stood frozen. I didn’t know what to say. Or do.
“I love you.” Snot dripped from her nose. “Even if you don’t love me,” she cried, as she pulled the trigger. BLOW!
The Epilogue
Jasmine
I stood before the congregation, mentally retiring Black Reign. She was a wild, free spirted lost young girl. She’d seen peaks and valleys, and now it was time to move on. All those tears that Black Reign had shed, had forever changed me. I was no longer that person. I was a woman now. I had two beautiful children who called me mommy. And they looked up to me for guidance and reassurance. I didn’t want Black Reign teaching them shit.
For so very long, I’d been treading through life blindly. And then comes Kaydoa. I felt like he was the answer to all my problems. His love lifted me to heights I’d never imagined, and dragged me through some lows I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I’d become so dependent on another human being that it had become scary. I needed his love. I lived for it.
It took hitting rock bottom for me to realize how far off the grid I’d fallen. I’d lost myself, loving a man. Not that anything was wrong with loving someone. But I’d forgotten the most important thing. Loving myself. Not loving me properly had caused so much damage in my life. But there was light at the end of the tunnel.
After doing some soul searching, I’d realized my problem. I needed to find my own identity. I wasn’t Black Reign the notorious hood rat. I wasn’t Black Reign, Kaydoa’s girl. I was a girl, who hadn’t been shown the way. So, I began figuring out what makes me happy. And once I found happiness without another person being a part of it, I knew that I’d be okay.
So, there I stood at the altar about to take my soul mate’s hand in marriage.
Kaydoa
Often times I hear niggas talking about how nervous they were on their wedding day. But I honestly couldn’t relate. I didn’t have a ounce of nervousness. I was exactly where I wanted to be. There was no doubt in my mind.
Being wit Jasmine was one of the few things I didn’t regret. The only thing I wish that I could’ve changed was marrying her sooner. Then maybe all that shit wit Farrah could’ve been avoided.
I’d seen a lot of shit in my day. Hustling on the streets may sound glamorous, but it was far from it. I’d taken so many lives that I’d lost count, and looking over my shoulder had become second nature. But seeing my ex blow her brains out on my account still did something to me.
I never would’ve thought that I’d drive Farrah to those lengths. And her blood was forever on my hands. It fucked me up that I was the cause of her broken heart. Nothing I could do would mend that. All I could do was ask for forgiveness, and try to move on.
I wanted to leave all that shit behind me, and just live in the moment. I had my soul mate standing before me, looking breathtaking. She was smiling from ear to ear, as her girl Monay stood beside her as the maid of honor, and my boy Hurt stood there as my best man.
I was swear that nigga Hurt had nine lives, like a damn cat. He’d taken six bullets throughout his lifespan, and was still kicking. I thought that Farrah had finally taken him out, but his will was too strong. He’d fought for his life, and after nine months he was able to make a full recovery. God definitely was wit him.
“At this time you guys can recite your vows,” the pastor told us.
Jasmine smiled. “Umm, I don’t have actual vows to recite. I love to sing to Kaydoa…and our kids. So, I would like to sing for him.”
“Okay,” the pastor nodded.
She stroked my chin, before singing, “Baby, I love you. You are my life. The happiest moments weren’t complete if you weren’t by my side. You’re my relation. Connection to the sun. With you next to me there’s no darkness that I can’t overcome…” she belted, surprising a lot of people who didn’t know that she could actually sing. “I’m in love with you. You set me free. I can’t do this thing called life without you here with me!”
“Sing it, girl!” Red Reign, stood up, clapping. She looked around, and realized that everybody was staring at her. “Oh, my bad,” she sat back down.
The pastor clear his throat. “Okay, Kaydoa do you have any vows to recite?” the pastor asked me, after Jasmine brought down the house.
“Nah,” I shrugged, as I gazed into Jasmine’s eyes. “I love you.”
Everybody in the church laughed, including the bride. Shortly after, we exchanged our ‘I do’s’, and I took Jasmine’s hand in marriage. Finally, she was my wife. And everything was exactly as it should be.
Shooting Blindly in the Dark Page 36
