by Christina OW
“An explanation,” she said crossing to me, “Morris told me you have a new girlfriend?”
“No, I don’t have a girlfriend,” I gave Morris a questioning look and he just shrugged, “I’m in love with Kristy.”
“Our dead sister Kristy... or another Kristy...?”
I clenched my jaw and bit down on my tongue. I didn’t want to argue with her but I was getting sick and tired of everyone saying Kristy was dead! “There is only one Kristy in my life, your sister.”
“Bro, just like you I wish my baby sis was alive, but she isn’t,” Morris walked to us, “We said goodbye to her a few weeks ago. Remember, you were there when we scattered her ashes in the ocean and when we buried her empty coffin for your mother’s sake.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that!” I yelled, unable to contain my anger anymore, “Your sister is alive! We were just talking before you barge in!”
Determined to prove to them that I wasn’t crazy, I went looking for Kristy in our room, “Kristy, come out here.” I yelled but it was empty and so was the bathroom. “Kristy where are you?” I got worried; there weren’t any other rooms to search. I went back to the living room, to my in-laws. They just stood there looking at me like I had completely lost my mind.
“William,” I turned to Kristy’s voice relieved.
“Where were you? Didn’t you hear me call for you?” I went to her and took her hands in mine. “Now your siblings won’t think I’ve lost my mind,” I smiled turning to them. “As I said, your sister isn’t dead, she’s very much alive,” I pulled her forward to exhibit my proof.
Sandra had her face buried in Morris’s chest and was crying, and he was just staring at me, pain in his eyes. I didn’t understand it. They should be happy, they should be embracing her. What the hell was going on?
“William...they can’t see me,” Kristy cried stepping closer to them.
“William there is no one there,” Morris’ voice broke.
“What do you mean? She’s right next to you.” I turned desperately to Kristy, “Why can’t they see you?”
Kristy reached her hand out to Sandra, like she was about to touch her but she stopped, pulling away quickly. And then she disappeared, right in front of me like she was a figment of my imagination. I felt like my heart stop. Like everything came crushing down as I stared at the empty space where she had been standing. My chest tightened and I felt like someone had their hand wrapped tightly around my throat as I struggled to breathe. I felt the blood rush into my head, and the pounding of my heart in my ears.
This couldn’t be happening, it just couldn’t.
~
“Poor guy, this wasn’t the night he was expecting to have,” I said still laughing.
“William you’re going too fast, the light’s already red,” Kristy spoke a laugh in her voice.
I put my foot down, expecting some resistance from the brake pedal but it felt weightless. It was like putting my foot through a paper wall. The brakes weren’t working! I felt the fear ignite inside me as I pumped the brakes, but it wouldn’t stop let alone slow down!
I stared nervously at the busy traffic in front of me. “Something’s wrong with the brakes, they aren’t working!”
She turned to me, fear in her eyes. “Will, what do mean the brakes aren’t working!”
“Jump in the back and stay down!” I ordered as we quickly approached the traffic. It was definite we were going to crush and I knew how bad the crush was going to be. I could feel it inside me, but I wasn’t going to let her get hurt. She was going to stay safe, even if I died.
She held onto my arm. “What?”
I couldn’t wait for her to move on her own any longer. I unbuckled her seat belt and pulled at her arm. But before she could make another move, she screamed her eyes fixed past me, her finger nails digging deep into my skin. I followed her gaze and all I could see were bright lights then all I could hear was the sound of metal crushing into metal and Kristy’s voice screaming my name. The car lunged forward right in the middle of the intersection. I pulled her down onto my laps and covered her as much as I could with my body when the car got hit again and again, like a four way ping pong game. I heard her scream out in intense pain, and then the lights went out.
~
“William, William!” Sandra’s voice sounded like she was yelling from miles away, muffled by the sounds in my head. She was on top of me, my face in her hands. “William, are you okay, can you hear me?” She was frantic. I hadn’t noticed that I was on the floor until Morris put my arm over his shoulder and carried me to the couch.
“William! What’s wrong?” It was Morris who was frantic now. “I’ll get him some water.”
“No call the shrink Gloria got him.”
I felt like I was suffocating and the two of them being all over me was only making it worse, “Please leave... I want to be alone.”
“William you collapsed, there is no way we are leaving you alone,” Sandra protested.
“Please!” I didn’t mean to yell but I just wanted them out. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, with Kristy.
“Let’s go Sandra,” Morris spoke taking her by the arm, “If you need us, just call.”
I nodded.
The second the door closed, I called out for Kristy. I needed her to explain this to me. I didn’t understand what was happening and why it was happening to me. “Kristy! Kristy!”
“You don’t have to yell the building down, I’m right here.” Her soft voice filled the room.
“Kristy,” I breathed out. I ran to her and held her tight. I needed to feel her there, to confirm my reality existed. “Tell me what’s going on, please. I can’t be losing my mind. I know I’m not losing my mind because you’re right here.” I held her out to look at her again then I held her close to me.
“William it’s true,” she cried, “I am dead, not half dead, this isn’t a second chance of life. I’m just dead and you are the only one who can see me.”
I let her go and took a step away from her, “Is this a joke, because it’s not funny.” I felt the tears sting my eyes as they threatened to spill over.
“You weren’t doing well, so I came back to take care of you.” She stepped closer to me. “The first time I came you acted like I never left, so I just .... I didn’t think it was necessary to...”
“To what, tell me you’re a ghost!” I rubbed my head trying to clear it, “Wait a minute, what am I even saying.” I reached to take her hands but mine slipped through. I tried to grab them again, but it was like trying to drink water from a mirage. I felt a sense of urgency and desperation climb inside me.
This couldn’t be happening, it just couldn’t be!
I grabbed for but I couldn’t touch her. It was like waving my hands around in mist, trying to grab hold of it.
“No!” I sank to the ground my hands over my head. I was losing my mind. I was definitely losing my mind! “This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening, why is this happening?”
She crouched down next to me, “I was watching you and you just kept crying and calling out for me. I couldn’t take seeing you like that, it was destroying me so I prayed to God to just let me comfort you just one time,” she paused taking a breath in. She pulled my hands down and hugged them to her chest, “then I just couldn’t leave you. I couldn’t go back to you not seeing me, not being able to feel your touch and you not feeling mine. I got selfish and I’m sorry,” She placed her head on my chest and I could feel her fingers dig into my shoulder and back as she held on to me. I wasn’t sure if I was hallucinating the feel of her body against mine or if she was really touching me.
But then I didn’t care. I too wanted to be selfish and I was going to be selfish no matter what. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close, “I don’t care if you are a ghost or if you’re flesh, I’m not going to let you leave me again, never again.”
Chapter Four
I sat in the prison waiting room, waiting to meet the man wh
o’d managed to destroy my life. I wanted to see his face. I wanted to make sure he was fully satisfied with what he’d done to me, if he’d gotten something life changing to his benefit out of killing Kristy.
Before that morning, I didn’t know his name or seen his face. I had been adamant about not visiting that part of my life again. But now every fossil of my body wanted to see him, wanted him to see what he did to me. I wanted to face him and make sure he was having a worse nightmare than I was.
Jared Leroy was sentence to thirty-five years in prison without a possibility of parole. I still felt like it wasn’t enough, that he should have the rest of his life taken away from him like he had done with me, with my wife. Kristy was dead, and I was dying all because of him, and I needed to make sure he was paying for it!
I looked up at the wall clock. Only seven minutes had gone by. What was taking so long?
The last time I was in a waiting room like this one, counting away the minutes, was two months before Kristy was murdered, when I had to bail her out. I smiled at the memory. The first few times she got arrested, I used to get so worried, but after a few arrests and making life long friends with the police officers, it became apart of our lives.
~
“Stanford, your wife gave them hell today!” Officer McDonald laughed, handing me papers to sign.
I looked through the five pages and then signed. “Can I get a copy of her mag shot? I’m compiling a photo album for our kids.”
“What’s the title? Don’t be like mummy?”
I passed the papers back to him and followed him to the cell, “Get arrested for the right reasons.”
He laughed. “Kristy, it’s time to go.”
“Hi babe!” she was keyed up. She stepped out of the cell and gave me a kiss.
I held on to her, “That must mean it was a successful protest then?”
“Yes, it was,” she skipped ahead, “Bye McDonald! See you soon.”
“Hopefully after a few months... who am I kidding? She could be back here next week!” He laughed shaking his head.
“You can bet on it. Just keep her spot clear and her stuff safe,” I said.
“The Four Seasons will miss you,” he called out after her, “There isn’t a boring day with her, is there?” he asked addressing me.
I looked at her cherishingly, feeling like the luckiest man in the entire universe, “You have no idea.”
~
“William Stanford,” the guard called out my name bringing me out of my daze. I stood up and walked to him feeling empty and yet very heavy. It had been weeks, since I found out Kristy was a ghost. I tried to convince myself that it was fine, that nothing had to change but everything had changed. She was with me on borrowed time, and at any moment she’d have to go again, and I couldn’t bear the thought of that.
“This way.” he led me to a room filled with booths. I sat down in one and I felt restricted- it wasn’t close enough. There was a huge thick glass between me and where Jared was going to sit and a telephone on both sides.
A rugged man in an orange jump suit who looked the way I felt sat across from me. I finally got to see Jared, and he looked just how I’d hoped he would but something inside me wanted to see him suffer more. He picked his receiver and waited for me to pick mine. I starred at him for a while, feeling the emotions take over me. I could feel my body shake in anger. I was murderously furious and all I wanted to do was reach through the glass and chock him.
I picked up the receiver and held it to my ear and waited to put a voice to the face.
“What do you want?” His voice was cold and empty, tired even.
“Do you know who I am?” my voice shook in anger.
“Am I supposed to?”
“Considering you are in prison for murdering my wife and almost killing me, yes you are.”
His eyes opened wide, a hint of fear invading them for a moment before they were cold and empty again, “What do you want?”
“I came to see the man who ruined my life. I came to find out if you are happy and satisfied, if your life has been fulfilled now that my wife is dead.”
“Your wife hurt me first!” He yelled defensively, “Maybe if you had her under control she wouldn’t be dead and I wouldn’t be here!”
I shot out of my chair and leaned close to the glass, “This wasn’t her fault! It’s your fault!”
“Sit down!” The security guard yelled from behind me. I took my sit, still shaking in anger.
“Well I’m not sorry. I lost everything I had because of her and she deserved what she got.”
His words hit me hard, setting off a chain reaction that I couldn’t stop. I stood up and picked up my metal chair, and with one swing the glass between us shattered. I leaped through the opening and landed on top of the man, my rage taking control. I punched him, and kept at it, the anger rising with each hit, the impact harder with each swing. I wanted him dead by my hand.
Two security guards pulled me off him. His face was covered in blood, more his than mine but it still didn’t satisfy me. I wanted him dead and he was still breathing!
*
“William!” Sandra rushed into the jail cell in a panic, “What the hell is wrong with you?” She took my bandaged fist into her hand and stared at it, “Something worse could have happened to you!”
I pulled my sprained hand out of hers and tucked it into the front pockets of my sweat shirt. “It didn’t. Now please get me out of here.”
“Morris just paid your bail, you are free to go.”
I stood up in a rush to get away from her, from all of them. I just wanted to be alone.
“William, you need to speak to someone.”
“I’m fine.” I grabbed my things and hurried to my car. I drove a few miles to the shadiest streets I could find. I wanted to be around mayhem, to be someone other than myself for a few hours, to try and forget all my pain.
I walked into a pool bar; it was dark, noisy and had a heavy cloud of smoke, enough to think there was a fire in the small space. It was a place I wouldn’t be caught dead in if I was my normal self. But I’d lost that person, I wasn’t him anymore. This was my journey of self discovery, again. My first journey was with Kristy and I loved every step of it.
This journey... well...it looked promising.
My first step was trying to kill Jared, which didn’t work out too well since he was still alive. My second step was to try things I never had before, like starting a bar fight- dangerous, yes, but definitely worth the distraction.
I looked around the room again. It had prospects. Step two would definitely be a success, unlike step one.
I pulled my hoody over my head and sat at the bar. “I’d like a beer?”
The guy gave me an inquisitive look. He wasn’t trying to sum me up in one word; he was trying to figure out where I stood in the trouble maker scale. “Would you like a couple of shots with that?”
“The strongest you’ve got.”
I sat there throwing them back one at a time, no pauses in between. I was going to numb myself, physically and emotionally. It was three in the morning when the bartender called last call. There were a few mumbles behind me but people were streaming out one by one.
Placing a shot of vodka in front of me he said, “Dude, this is your last drink.”
I tossed it back and pushed the shot glass down the bar to him, “No its not.”
“Yeah it is, I called last call,” he said moving to me, his hand open, “Pay up.”
“I’m not done drinking. Another round for the whole bar!” I yelled, holding my empty bottle of beer up. There was a loud cheer as people crowded at the bar.
The bartender reached under the bar, “Pay for your drinks first.”
I stared at him, and then at his disappearing arm. There was only one guess what he was reaching for and it wasn’t a bottle of vodka. “No.” I said bluntly my drunken eyes settling on his face.
“No more drinks,” he yelled out livid, “Everyone out! Now!”
The order wasn’t met with any protest. They all knew what he was reaching for and I was the only one brave enough- no stupid enough to still be sitting down refusing to pay my bill.
“Pay up!”
“Kiss my fucking ass!”
He pulled me up onto the counter by my neck and began raining blows on me. The pain of his ten stone fists against my bones was excruciating but a pain I welcomed with open arms. Concentrating on that one pain helped me forget, in between punches, the agonizing shredding of my heart. After what felt like an eternity being kicked around the bar, I blacked out happy the darkness was enfolding me and hoping it would hold me there forever.
*
I turned on my side and regretted that decision. The pain shot through my ribs forcing my eyes open.
“Serve you right!” Sandra scolded with a cracked voice. Her eyes were full of tears and they looked puffed. She’d been crying for a while. I felt guilty for making her cry but at the same time I wished I’d never woken up.
“Were you trying to get yourself killed?”
“Something along those lines.” my mouth hurt when I spoke.
“That’s not funny!”
“I wasn’t trying to be funny.” When fresh tears spilled over her cheeks I tried to change the subject, “How did I get here?”
“Someone left you and your car at the front of the hospital. We thought you’d being kidnapped until the doctor measured your alcohol level. I told him to hold off calling the police until you woke up. Just in case you started a bar fight.”
“Good decision.” I assessed the damage on my lips with my tongue. They felt fat and tender and tasted like blood. “So what’s the damage?”
“Nothing is broken but you have a few bruised ribs and cuts on your body.”
I felt disappointed. I chuckled, I was disappointed the damage wasn’t worse...something was definitely wrong with me.
“The doctor said you can leave when the sun comes up, and its up. I called in sick today, so I’ll stay with you for a while.” She stood up and walked away.
“I don’t need a babysitter,” I protested. Pain shot from all parts of my body as I struggled to sit up.
