She was overwhelmed by the beauty of Austria. She prayed and sang in cathedrals that were built before the United States existed. She loved how her voice sounded as it bounced off century-old walls and stained-glass windows. She made herself a promise that someday she would bring her mother and grandmother to see those incredible sights.
*
By their junior year, Katie and Rebecca had moved into a small one-bedroom apartment just off campus. They often had Kevin and a few friends over for dinner. Katie had proven to be a wonderful cook, and Rebecca loved to bake elaborate desserts. Jeff Winkler, a tall, handsome, blond-haired guy, had become Kevin’s roommate. One night after dinner while he was helping Rebecca clean up, he turned to her and asked her if she would ever consider dating someone like him. She simply blushed and said yes.
From that night on, they became a couple. Saturday evening was their date night, and almost every evening they would study together. The relationship was comfortable and convenient. There was seldom an argument and always a few good laughs. There was lots of cuddling but never any sex, which seemed to suit both of them just fine.
Rebecca invited Jeff to come to Fergus Falls during spring break of their senior year. He quickly agreed. She called to tell her mom that she was bringing Jeff home. Monica sounded excited about the prospect of finally meeting her special guy. As they drove home, Rebecca tried to warn him about her humble little house on Bancroft Street. Jeff simply smiled and told her not to worry about it. Although he came from a wealthy family, his parents had a bitter divorce four years before. He went on to explain that he would much rather live in a small, happy home than a big house filled with anger.
*
After that week in Fergus Falls, everyone including Rebecca assumed that Jeff would be proposing any day. The day before Rebecca, Katie, Kevin, and Jeff were graduating, the girls prepared a special dinner for the four of them. Katie had just broken up with Larry, whom she had been casually dating for about a year, and she needed a little cheering up. The boys arrived on time with a bottle of champagne and four beautiful champagne flutes. Katie and Kevin were moving back to Milwaukee. Rebecca was keeping the apartment and had just accepted a teaching position at Holy Angels Academy, where she would be teaching English and music. Jeff was leaving in a week for California, where he had accepted an internship at Universal Studios.
Rebecca was convinced that tonight Jeff would propose, and she was ready to say yes. She already had a shoebox filled with clippings of wedding dresses, flowers, and articles on the perfect wedding. It was after midnight when Jeff suggested that they go for one last walk on St. Catherine’s campus. As they left, Katie winked at Rebecca and pointed to her ring finger. They walked in contented silence through the quiet parklike campus. When they finally reached their favorite bench, they sat down and stared at the full moon and abundance of stars.
Suddenly and without warning, Jeff broke down. He was sobbing so hard that Rebecca could not understand what he was saying. Finally, he took a deep breath and slowly started to explain that he was leaving and would never be back. He explained that he had been dishonest with her. He felt like the lowest scum of the earth, but he knew that he had to finally be honest. He was a fraud, and she deserved better than he was ever able to give her.
Rebecca reached for him and tried to comfort him. She said, “Jeff, I love you with all my heart. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you for who you are, not who you think you need to be. You have given me so much happiness and love. Nothing is so bad that it cannot be fixed or forgiven. Together, we can make a good life.”
Without a word of response, Jeff stood up and ran into the darkness, leaving Rebecca alone and confused. He did not return to the apartment that night.
Rebecca went through the motions of graduation because her mom and Grandma Ruby had come for the ceremony. Monica asked her why Jeff was not joining them. Finally, the tears came while Rebecca told her about what had happened. Both Katie and her mom assured Rebecca that Jeff was probably nervous about his upcoming internship and not to worry. Men just had more problems dealing with stress and change than women did.
The next day, Rebecca helped Katie and Kevin pack up their car and U-Haul trailer for their journey back to Wisconsin. She promised to call them as soon as she heard from Jeff. The next two days were the longest days of her life. With no school or work, she had nothing to do but worry about Jeff. Her mind went from thoughts of there being another woman to Jeff having a serious health problem. She paced the floors morning to night. She spent hours walking, but nothing eased her worries.
*
It was almost eleven o’clock on the second evening when she heard a soft knock on her door. She opened it to find Jeff still wearing the same clothes he had on three days before. His normally neat and clean appearance was replaced with the looks of a crazed street man. His eyes were red and swollen. He leaned against the doorframe as he softly asked if he could speak to her for just a few minutes. They sat in complete silence for a few minutes. Finally, Jeff cleared his throat and started to speak.
“Rebecca, I want you to know that I have loved you from the first moment I met you. You are the woman I have always dreamed of being with forever. Your compassion and kindness are virtues that are so rare today. I never wanted to hurt you. All I ever wanted to do was to protect you. I have believed that I could make a good future for us. A few months ago, I was forced to face the ugly truth about what a fraud I am. I know now that I cannot hide from the truth any longer. I also know that I am going to hurt you. For that, I am incredibly sorry.
“The truth is that I am gay. I have always felt different from the other guys who boast about sexual conquests. I thought it was because I had not found the right girl. I have been seeing a therapist for the last year, thinking my problems were all because of my parents’ terrible example and lack of love. Then one day, it just came to me that what the problem was had nothing to do with my parents. It had everything to do with me. I am living a lie. With the help of my therapist, I am able to accept who I am. Now I need to start to move forward.
“I would give anything not to have to hurt you. I know you have every right to think that it is time for us to get married. Please forgive me. You need to know that I will always care for you. I am leaving in two days for California. I plan to make that my career and my home. I hope that in time, you will understand.” Without waiting for Rebecca to say anything, he got up and left. He never gave Rebecca a chance to discuss it with him.
She sat in stunned silence until early the next morning. Her emotions ran from anger to despair. In the morning, she called her mom. Rebecca packed her suitcase and headed to Fergus Falls for a few weeks of healing and loving comfort that only her mother and Grandma Ruby could give her. As Rebecca faced her future, she wondered if she would always be alone.
Chapter Ten
Emily
Emily graduated from college with a degree in journalism, a six-year-old VW convertible, and a small box of special things. When she went to the doctor, she already knew what she would hear. He confirmed that she was three months pregnant. She had no insurance, no job, and no one to love her.
After the initial shock wore off, Emily decided that she needed to inform Danny that he was going to be a father. It felt so strange to walk back into the house on Mifflin. She had only been gone for a few weeks. Yet it seemed as though she was seeing it for the first time. The house reeked from the smell of pot and body odor. There was litter everywhere. She did not know if it was morning sickness or the disgusting place where she had lived that made her go running to the bathroom to throw up. Emily finally composed herself, took a deep breath, and walked up the stairs leading to her old bedroom.
When she knocked on the door, Danny yelled to come in. She opened the door and found him sitting on the bed with two friends, smoking pot and drinking. Danny started laughing and said, �
��Well, you finally missed the big guy! Now that you are back, I hope you realize that you play the game by my rules and only my rules. Come join us, babe.”
Emily stared at him, trying to remember what she had ever found so appealing about this jerk. She asked if they could be alone. The two friends made a snide remark, and one tapped her on the head as he passed by her. Emily stood by the door for another moment, then turned and walked away. Danny Driscoll was a lowlife who had no right to this child. Somehow, she would find a way to bring this baby into a safe and loving world. All she knew for sure was that Danny was not ever going to be a part of this child’s life. She also knew that she now had a new center of focus, a reason to live and become a better person than she had been for the past four years. Today was the beginning of the new and improved Emily.
*
When Emily left Mifflin Street and returned to her car, she had no idea where to go. All she knew for sure was that Madison was not the place for her. She decided to head toward Milwaukee. She had heard it was a quiet city with gentle manners. It sounded like a good place to start over again.
Through one of her classes, Emily had gotten to know a woman named Marlene, who had opened a women’s shelter in Waukesha, a suburb of Milwaukee. Marlene had been an older student, graduating when she was thirty-three years old after a bitter divorce. The two of them had worked on several projects together. Marlene had taken Emily aside to talk to her about her radical lifestyle several times. She spent hours trying to convince Emily that she could change the world for the better in a different way than she had chosen. She had invited her to come to the women’s shelter near Milwaukee. She told her that she needed to value and believe in herself. They talked for hours about dignity and integrity. However, every time Emily was given a choice, she had always chosen Danny and his ways. Finally, Marlene had just given up on her.
About a month ago, Emily had read an article about the Women’s Center, with a photo of Marlene. She knew that at least Marlene had found her calling.
*
It was almost six o’clock when she parked the car in front of a large, old, Victorian house, which was Marlene’s Women’s Center. In some ways, it reminded her of the house on Lake Alice in Fergus Falls. The biggest difference was that this house seemed to have a light on in every room.
As she walked in the front door, a young girl, perhaps sixteen and very pregnant, greeted her. Emily asked for Marlene and was told to wait in the hall for her. Within minutes, Marlene came running down the winding staircase. She gave Emily a big bear hug and then looked directly into her eyes. She said, “I see a lot of pain in these eyes, kiddo. What is going on? How can I help?”
Emily broke into tears. Through her sobs, she told her story. Finally, she took a deep breath. She finished by telling Marlene that she had no one and no place to go. She also had no idea why she was here. Somehow, she knew deep in her soul that this place held some answers for her.
Marlene told her she was welcome to stay. There were three basic requirements that she needed to commit to in order to stay at the center. The first was that she must help around the center wherever and whenever she could. The second was to stay free of all drugs and all other illegal substances. The third was that she needed to start her process of healing immediately by attending counseling and group sessions. Marlene knew that Emily had been living a life of drugs and abuse for several years. She also knew that Emily had all the ingredients to become a wonderful role model if she could leave her past behind and find happiness in a new life.
They hugged each other as they walked up the stairs to the tiny bedrooms. There were sixteen women and six children in the house; another ten women stayed at a secret location.
*
Emily’s assigned small room held two sets of bunk beds that looked like rejects from a dorm room at Madison. She was given bed C, which was a lower bed with a few drawers underneath the mattress. The room was painted a strange shade of green, with hardwood floors and a small dresser under the window. Barren of any soft touches, it was clean and looked almost sad.
Marlene introduced her to her three roommates. Beth was a large woman with massive dyed, jet-black hair and tattoos of large flowers on both of her arms. Thirty-two years old and recently released from prison for embezzlement, she had been in the center for three weeks. She looked Emily up and down for a moment before extending her hand, saying, “Welcome to the Hilton of Waukesha. We keep our little paradise very tidy, so don’t go messing up anything or you will be cleaning for all four of us.”
Rita sat watching quietly. She was twenty-four and was so tiny that she almost disappeared into the far corner of her upper bunk bed. She had two black eyes and bruises around her neck. She softly said, “I just arrived three days ago, so now you’re the new one in the group. I am sorry, but I guess I snore a lot. I will try to be quiet, but I can’t seem to help it. We share the bathroom down the hall and keep an organized schedule. It is hanging behind the door if you want to read it. I am not feeling real good, so I sleep a lot.”
Emily then turned to her third roommate. Rosa was from Mexico and spoke very little English. She simply nodded her head and said, “Hi.” All three women were wearing similar sweat suits that were simple and clean. For some unknown reason, it made Emily feel safe. Rita slowly climbed down from her bunk and offered to show Emily around the house.
With that done, Marlene smiled and excused herself. She told Emily to grab a sandwich when Rita showed her the kitchen. She asked her to read the rules of the house, sign a few forms, and promised to see her in the morning for her first group session.
*
Within a few days, Emily had become comfortable in her new home. She worked hard each day, doing whatever she was asked to do. She cleaned; she cooked and watched the children while their moms had their counseling sessions. Both the group and private counseling sessions were painful. It seemed that she spent half her time crying. All of her old wounds were ripped wide open. She no longer repressed the memories of the cold and uncaring life with her parents. She talked about Danny and tried to figure out why she had become his puppet. Every day, she thought about this baby growing inside of her. Could she love it? How would she raise a child when she had never known real love? Was she capable of providing for her baby? The questions circled in her mind. Yet she found no answers.
*
Marlene came to her one day shortly after she arrived and asked her if she was interested in helping them put together a fundraising brochure for the center. Emily jumped at the chance to use her creative skills. After the brochure, she started on a monthly newsletter, helped organize the fundraiser event, and put together a press release. She laughed as she thought of how she was using the same skills that she had used when she was a radical demonstrator. Only now, it was for a noble cause. When a Waukesha newspaper reporter asked for an interview, both Marlene and Emily met with him.
After the article appeared in the Waukesha Freeman, a local radio station asked for an interview. The following month, the local television station asked if they could come out and film a two-minute segment on the center. Within a short time, local churches and organizations were requesting Emily to come and talk to their members. Marlene simply smiled as she watched Emily grow more confident each day.
*
A few months after Emily had arrived at the Women’s Center, she knew that it would soon be time to leave. Other women needed her bed and needed to receive the care of the Women's Center. She rented a small one-bedroom apartment with Rita. They shopped at Goodwill for most of their furniture and laughed as they put together the two small twin beds. Emily was now about six months pregnant. She knew that she needed to make a decision about keeping the baby. Terrifying nightmares of losing the baby began to haunt her. She often woke up in the middle of the night, afraid of becoming a mother like her own mother.
Both Rita and Emily had gotten
jobs working for an answering service called Spectrum Communications not far from the apartment. They were thrilled that the owners had hired Emily even in her condition. She promised that after the baby was born, she would continue to work at the company. Emily worked from 3:00 PM until midnight, while Rita worked midnight until 8:00 AM.
They shared an old car that they named Tula and put a variety of bumper stickers all over the car to cover the rusty holes. It seemed as though every day they were able to help someone in crisis, either at the answering service or in their volunteer time at the Women’s Center. It felt good to give back to others who were in need.
One evening, Emily answered a call for a client called New Beginnings, an adoption agency. The woman who was calling had just lost a baby. It was her third miscarriage in four years. Her doctor had informed her that she was not capable of carrying a baby to full term. Although both she and her husband were grief stricken, they both felt it was time to adopt. They owned a little house with a swing set in the backyard and had lots of love that needed to be given to a child. As Emily was taking her message, she suddenly knew that her decision had just been made. She knew at that moment that she would give the baby up for adoption. Her child would have a life with two loving parents.
The next morning, she called New Beginnings. Within a few weeks, all the arrangements were made for an open adoption. She requested the couple who had left the message a few nights earlier. At last, she felt at peace. She knew without a doubt that this was the right decision. She prayed that the adoptive parents would give her baby all the love that she had dreamed of having in her life. She knew without a doubt that this baby would bring joy into the lives of two people who were waiting for her arrival.
*
December 1 started out as a frigid and windy day. Emily woke up at 2:00 AM to discover that her water had broken and her contractions begun. By 4:00 AM, Emily was admitted to Waukesha Memorial Hospital. Tiny Rebecca Grace Larson was born three hours later. The doctor teased Emily about her easy delivery and told her she was made to have babies.
Sisterhood Of Lake Alice Page 9
