by Tamsin Baker
Then she felt Patrick’s hand soothing her and a sob escaped her. He’d stopped, thank God.
He bent down and released her wrists. Relief swamping her, she helped him free her ankles. Simone saw stars as the blood rushed up to her head. Her belly tight with dread, she looked up at her lover, confused and terrified of what was about to come.
Patrick’s face was grim but, his hands were kind as they cupped her chin. Tears filled her eyes as her heart shattered inside her chest.
“This isn’t what you want sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”
Simone burst into tears, knowing he was right. She was fighting him, and not because she wanted more of the same like some “brats” did, but because she didn’t want it.
“I’m ... so ... sorry ... Patrick ...” Simone sobbed as her man scooped her up with his huge arms and sat down with her in his lap.
He sat with her on the ground, cuddling her, soothing her, and she clung to him, unable to do anything else against the pain in her chest.
“Shh baby, it’ll be all right.”
He was wrong, he was so very wrong.
“No, no it won’t.”
She cried until she couldn’t cry anymore and Patrick continued to hold her.
“I’d love to say I don’t need it, but I do, Simone. That’s what I need in a girlfriend and a Sub, I’ve realized that now. I don’t want one of each anymore. I want a woman who can be both for me.”
Simone nodded and slowly extricated herself from his arms. She suddenly remembered that she was still in her underwear, and he wore only a pair of leather pants. It was too intimate and she wrapped her arms around herself.
“I better go, sir ... Patrick.”
He let her go slowly, his beautiful and talented hands sliding over her body in an almost memorizing way.
“I’ll drive you home.”
Simone raced to her clothes and pulled them on in a hurry. They were cold and itchy against her heated skin and only served to bring another tear to her eye. She would never know what it was like to feel like this again. No one excited her like Patrick did.
“No, please, Patrick. I have my car.” She opened the door to his play room and walked out on unsteady legs.
Patrick followed her to the door. “I don’t think I want you driving.” His voice tone was concerned and Simone grabbed her bag.
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am ...” She bit her lip hard but it didn’t stop another hot tear from sliding down her cheek.
She had wanted to be his everything. He had trusted her to be what no other woman could be for him, and she had failed.
“Please don’t be sorry, baby, never be sorry.”
With her heart breaking, Simone tore herself away from Patrick’s sympathetic gaze and hurried home.
That night she ate pizza and cried, and cried, and cried. Her roommates had gone away for the weekend, and she had never been so grateful for the absence of her friends.
When she awoke—alive—the next morning, she was surprised. Until the ache in her chest reminded her that she had survived breaking up with the man she loved, and then she wished she was dead.
She stayed in bed for half the day and only hauled herself out of it to get more tissues and chocolate. The pain was incredible.
Patrick had rung her twice to check on her but she’d let it go to voice mail. She couldn’t handle him right now and nothing had changed for them. She couldn’t be what he needed and that tore her apart.
About ten p.m., just as she was about to go back to bed, a knock sounded on her door. Puzzled and a little frightened, Simone made her way to the front door and peered through the peep hole. Nicola stood on the other side and she rapped on the door again.
“Open up, Simone, it’s me.”
Simone smiled for the first time in hours. Simone twisted the dead lock and opened the door, fully aware of the fact that she was in her pajamas with red eyes and a puffy face.
“Hi.”
Nicola took one look at her and barged in. “Oh sweetie, what happened?”
The tears, which should have been well exhausted by now, filled her eyes again. Simone let them flow as her best friend wrapped her arms around her shoulders.
She hadn’t actually said the words yet and it was the last thing she wanted to do but she forced them out. “We broke up.”
With that rather devastating statement out in the world, Nicola only sighed and rubbed her back. “Let’s go sit down.”
Simone took a deep, shuddering breath and raised her head. Nicola wasn’t surprised, why? It didn’t really matter, she was beyond exhausted and too tired to care.
“I was about to go to bed actually. I have a headache.”
Nicola nodded and shut the door firmly.
“Well, loan me a pair of pajamas and I’ll stay.”
Suddenly Simone noticed the clothes her friend was wearing. Black skirt, collar, too much makeup. The truth hit her like a punch to the stomach.
“You’ve been at the club.”
Nicola nodded and grabbed her hand. “Let’s go.”
Simone let Nicola pull her along the hallway. She should be grateful for her best friend’s moral support, but instead a seed of anger sunk deep inside Simone. If it hadn’t been for Nicola dragging her into that club in the first place, she wouldn’t be in this world of pain.
They went to the bathroom and Simone found Nicola some pajamas. She was feeling a little more like herself as she clung to the newly found anger. It was so much easier to work with than the pain. Together they climbed into Simone’s bed when she quickly settled into sleep.
Nicola rolled onto her side, a hand propped beneath her head.
“So tell me what happened.”
Did she really want to talk about it now? Simone reluctantly rolled onto her side and glared at. “You saw Patrick tonight, didn’t you?”
Nicola didn’t say anything but Simone saw in her best friend’s eyes pity and worry. She knew everything. Pain ripped through her and she gasped as a second realization hit.
“Oh my God, I can’t believe how much that hurts. I couldn’t give him what he needed last night and he went straight to the club to get it from someone else tonight.”
The anger was gone, drowned out by the crashing wave of guilt and pain. A fresh round of sobs emerged and Simone succumbed to them and buried her face into her pillow while Nicola patted her hair and spoke softly to her.
“It wasn’t like that, Simone.”
Simone raised her head and dashed away the tears with the back of her hand. Her throat was thick and sore; and her voice came out choked as she forced the words out.
“Well, what was it like then?”
Nicola shrugged. “Sim, he looked lost and confused. He was only talking to a few people, other Doms mostly.”
Anger rose again and Simone raised her head. “Yeah right, for how long? It’s only ten thirty. He could be there all night.”
And doing God knows what, with God knows who. Another sob rose but she pushed it down.
Nicola sighed and looked straight at Simone again. “Tell me what happened.”
Simone pushed herself onto her back and huffed a little. “You frikken know what happened. Patrick wanted me to submit to him and I couldn’t do it.”
Nicola shifted a little, her brow furrowed in thought.
“Maybe it was just too soon, you’ve only been together a week. He shouldn’t have pushed you so hard.”
Simone squeezed her eyes shut, hearing Patrick warning her of the exact same thing. She turned her head and looked at Nicola again.
“I know, but one of the women at the club … she … well, she told me I couldn’t give Patrick what he needed and I was trying to prove her wrong.”
Simone bit down on her lip and tried hard not to cry again. How wrong could she have been?
“And you ended up proving her right instead?” Nicola’s soft question hung between them, shattering every little bit of strength
She nodded her h
ead and let, her eyes slide shut again. She was so tired.
“I need to go to sleep sweetie.”
Nicola nodded and lay her head down on the pillow and put a comforting hand on Simone’s arm. “We can talk more in the morning.”
Simone turned her back on her best friend, finding it impossible to take comfort from a woman who probably could give Patrick everything he needed, and muttered, “Don’t know what else there is to say. I totally fucked this up.”
Nicola rubbed her back in a reassuringly slow movement and Simone was asleep within moments.
Chapter Five
Simone woke the next morning to the sound of water running, Nicola was already in the shower. She stretched and hugged the covers to her body. She wanted to just stay in bed forever.
The water stopped and Nicola’s bright voice rang out. “Rise and shine, Simone!”
Groaning loudly, Simone rolled out of bed and staggered to the main bathroom. She didn’t really want to see Nicola’s beautiful body at this time of the morning.
After using the toilet, she moved to the kitchen and put on the kettle. She felt like crap. Her head was fuzzy, her limbs ached, and she just wanted to crawl back into bed.
“Morning!” Nicola walked into the kitchen and sat down at the bench, her skin still pink from the shower.
“Morning, coffee?”
Nicola nodded, “Yeah, thanks.”
Simone moved automatically to the cupboard and began making Nicola and herself a coffee.
“So tell me why you and Patrick broke up.”
Simone stiffened and poured the milk into the cups with shaking hands.
“I just couldn’t handle the pain.”
She handed Nicola her mug and sat down opposite her with a sigh. Life really sucked.
Nicola’s giggle sliced though Simone as sharply as a slap to her face.
“Don’t you dare laugh at me! Just because you like the pain doesn’t mean I do!”
Nicola laughed harder and Simone got up to leave. She wasn’t going to sit there and let her best friend make her feelings seem pathetic. They weren’t pathetic to her.
Nicola grabbed her arm and tugged her down, her show of strength and speed surprising.
“You don’t even know what you’re talking about, Simone so stop getting upset with me.”
Simone blinked, shocked at her friend’s tone. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Nicola.
“Then tell me.”
Nicola sighed and shifted back in her chair. “No. You tell me what really happened, Simone.”
Simone blinked a few times as the memories rolled through her head like an old fashioned movie. She shivered and wrapped her arms around her body, not wanting to relive those moments when she realized she wasn’t enough for Patrick.
Nicola grabbed her arm and squeezed, the feeling reassuring somehow.
“Tell me.”
Simone released a huge sigh at the same time as she unwrapped her arms. She needed to talk to someone about it and if there was anyone who would understand, it was the woman in front of her.
“We were at his house and I asked him to show me what it felt like to do a proper scene. So he tied me to the spanking bench and hit me with the paddle. It hurt and I freaked out. I didn’t like it at all and he could tell because he just stopped.”
Simone shrugged. Saying it out loud sounded strange. Was that really all it was? She didn’t like being spanked and they broke up? That couldn’t be it.
Nicola cocked her head on the side and stared at her for a long moment before asking a question.
“Patrick didn’t hurt you really, did he?”
The question made Simone fidget and she looked away.
“It hurt a bit ...”
Nicola waited until Simone finally looked back at her.
“But that wasn’t the real problem was it?”
Simone looked away again and tried to divert the conversation, not so sure she wanted to talk about this anymore. “How do you know it didn’t really hurt?”
Nicola made a dismissive sound. “Because a spanking with a paddle doesn’t hurt unless they really want it to. Cane’s hurt, and the whip is intense. I’ve seen Patrick use clothes pins on someone and bring them to their knees. If he wanted to hurt you, he could have very easily.”
Simone swallowed the bile that rose and looked at her best friend, tears in her eyes. The picture Nicola painted was exactly what Simone feared. “That’s what I was afraid of. I can’t give him that.”
Nicola reached over and patted her hand. “Sweetie, that Sub was a heavy masochist and needed that level of pain. That doesn’t mean that Patrick is a true sadist.”
Simone’s brain brought up the image of the dictionary definition she had looked up yesterday. Sadistic—a person who gets sexual pleasure from inflicting pain.
Of course Patrick was a sadist, or why would he be a Dom? How was it even possible that he wasn’t?
“How can he not be Nic? I thought all Doms must be.”
Nicola smiled and shook her head. “Did you even ask him why he does it? What he needs?”
Simone shook her head as the cold spread over her. She hadn’t. Why hadn’t she? Her mouth gaped a little as she tried to gather her scattered thoughts. Had she been wrong? Again?
“No, I just assumed he needed it.”
Nicola smiled again. “Some Doms like the power, others revel in the submission and being able to give their Subs what they need. You should check, though to be honest I think I know why Patrick did what he did.”
That got Simone’s attention because she didn’t even know what he had done let alone the why.
“What do you mean?”
Nicola sighed and fidgeted with her coffee mug handle.
“He wanted to see how much you trusted him and how much he could trust you. If you didn’t use the safe word and simply broke down, he would know that you didn’t trust him enough. And he needs that, we all do. The rules in BDSM are pretty simple. Safe, sane, and consensual. If there isn’t any trust then none of the other things are even possible. If Patrick wants you for his girlfriend and his Sub, then he wants a lot from you, Simone.”
Simone shuddered and let the tears that had welled in her eyes, fall down her cheeks. He wanted a lot, he had wanted everything, and she had let her fear hold her back.
“What can I do to get him back Nicola? I want him so much, but I don’t want him leaving me in six months because I can’t enjoy the pain.” A sob escaped her throat and the real reason she had run away came flooding in on a wave of realization
She covered her mouth with her hand, horrified at her cowardice. “Oh my God, I let him go because I couldn’t trust him not to hurt me.”
Nicola nodded. “And Patrick knew that. You know, some pain can be fun but you need to communicate with him. Find out your own boundaries.”
Panic and pain was soon replaced by a deep seated determination as excitement ran through Simone’s body. Like the dawn rays of sunshine, it filtered through her. Warming and beautiful. “Do you really think I could get him back?”
Nicola jumped to her feet and laughed, breakfast forgotten. “Considering how miserable he looked last night—yes, I think so. What do you want to do?”
Simone put her hands on the kitchen bench and pushed up slowly, feeling powerful. Nicola’s words made sense and she hoped to God they were both right. He still wanted her.
Would a direct attack be the best way? “Should I call him do you think?”
Nicola bit down on her bottom lip, worrying the flesh there. “You could, but I think a grand gesture would be better. Maybe go to the club tonight and offer to do a scene with him?”
Nicola’s eyes looked worried as she made the suggestion and Simone grinned, heading towards the shower. She had so much to do.
Nicola’s voice followed her. “Where are you going?”
Simone stripped off her pjs and called out. “I’m having a shower so we can go shopping. I think I nee
d a new outfit for tonight. Something black and low cut perhaps?”
Nicola’s chuckle could be heard even as she walked into the en suite.
“I know just the place.”
Simone stepped under the warm water and let it calm and soothe her.
She had trusted Patrick with her virginity, yet she hadn’t trusted him with true submission. She had a long way to go but it if she was willing to learn, perhaps he would still teach her?
Chapter Six
Simone walked into Patrick’s club for the third time in two weeks, yet this was the first time that she knew why she was there. She was there to get Patrick back and to offer herself to him.
She wanted him—all of him—and she wasn’t afraid anymore.
She wore a brand new black and pink corset that made her feel sexy and feminine. Her breasts were pushed up so that they were almost over spilling the cups, but again they just proved to make her feel good. Nicola signed them in and Simone made a mental note to find out how to become a member. She didn’t want to continue to just be a guest. If this was going to be her life then she was embracing it, wholeheartedly.
Nicola grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the door. “Are you sure about this?”
Simone nodded, never more sure of anything in her life. “He won’t hurt me, I know he won’t.”
Nicola smiled brightly and grabbed her hand, tugging her along the hallway. The familiar black walls greeted her, squeezing her like an intimate hug. The heat and the rhythmic music made her want to dance, but there was only one person she would be dancing for.
Nervous energy buzzed through her, needles prickling along her skin. Her breath caught in her chest, almost causing her to gasp from the pain and she stopped Nicola just before they entered the room.
She was scared again, but not of the same thing this time. “What if he’s doing a scene with another woman?”
Nicola turned to her with a hard look in her eye. “Then he’s just doing a scene. He’s a good Dom, Simone, and people line up to play with him. But you are the one he wants in his bed and in his life. You have to remember that and accept him for every facet, not just the bits you like.”
