by Dixie Cash
Debbie Sue was peering out the window when the plane suddenly dropped like a roller coaster, rose, then dropped again. A collective “whoa” chorused from the passengers.
Edwina smiled triumphantly. “See? It’s crap like that that makes me sick if I don’t take something. It’s not the flying that bothers me, it’s those sudden dips and…Debbie Sue?…What’s wrong?”
Debbie Sue only half heard Edwina’s words. She felt extremely warm. She broke into a cold, clammy sweat as nausea overcame her. She licked her lips and reached up to adjust the direction of the air. “It’s hot in here.”
“Uh-oh. Lord, I know that look. You’re whiter than a marshmallow. Do you need a barf bag?” Edwina rifled through the magazines in the pocket on the back of the chair in front of her.
“I don’t think so. I’m just feeling yucky all of a sudden.” Debbie Sue held her head with her left hand as she rocked back and forth in her seat.
“Irony’s a bitch, ain’t it? Here I was worried about getting sick and now you are. I never felt better in my life. That little swoop up and down and then up—”
Debbie Sue’s stomach made another roll. “Ed, please. Could you just be quiet for a second? If I can make it ’til the plane lands, I’ll be okay.”
A deep male voice announced their approach to La Guardia and reminded all passengers to return to their seats and fasten their seat belts.
Edwina reached under her feet and began to dig. Debbie Sue cast a dubious eye in her direction. “Ed, you’re making things worse. Can’t you just sit still? What in the hell are you looking for?”
“I’ve got perfume in my bag. I’m gonna dab a little on. So I’ll smell good for New York.”
“What kind of perfume?”
“Jungle Gardenia.”
Debbie Sue rolled her eyes and wiped her damp brow with her sleeve. “Oh, my God. I’ll throw up for sure.”
Edwina began to chuckle.
“What’s so damn funny?”
“You know what? You just can’t buy good times like this, kiddo. Nosiree, you just can’t.”
“Well, you probably could,” Debbie Sue grumbled, “but I don’t know who’d be dumb enough to think they could sell ’em.”
With the plane safely on the ground, passengers jostled one another to retrieve their overhead luggage. Debbie Sue remained seated and continued to fan herself with her magazine. She still felt shaky and didn’t trust her legs to carry her up the aisle. Edwina, on the other hand, greeted each person who passed.
“Y’all have a good time,” she told a stodgy couple, reaching across Debbie Sue’s face to pat the husband on the arm and smothering Debbie Sue with a cloud of gardenia scent. “Hey, now, y’all don’t get into any trouble,” she called to a young couple.
“Ed, just let them get off,” Debbie Sue said through clenched teeth.
Edwina gasped and flopped back in her seat. “Fine, grumpy. I’ll just sit here and not say a word.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
Everyone had disembarked before Debbie Sue finally felt able to make a move. “I think I’m feeling better. Let’s go. But I want to stop off at a ladies’ room.”
“I’ll go to baggage claim,” Edwina volunteered.
Panic seized Debbie Sue again. “No. Oh, no, you don’t,” she said firmly. “We stay together. You come into the restroom with me.”
Inside the ladies’ room, Debbie Sue found an empty stall and pulled her phone from her purse. She keyed in a number and waited for Buddy’s voice.
“Hey, Flash,” he said enthusiastically. “Are you in New York?”
“We’re here. We just got off the plane.”
“So how was the trip? Did Ed get sick?” He laughed. “Man, she wasn’t kidding about getting drunk on those pills, was she?”
“No, she wasn’t kidding. She did just fine. I’m the one who got sick.”
“You? Why, darlin’? Did you eat something you shouldn’t have?”
“I don’t think so. I guess it was the excitement of the trip. And I’ve been so worried about Ed. Then the plane did one of those extreme hoopty-doos, kind of like the roller coaster at Six Flags. Maybe the worse thing that could happen on this trip already has. Maybe the rest of the week will be a piece of cake.”
“God, I hope so. Wherever you two go, trouble seems to follow.”
“There won’t be any trouble,” Debbie Sue said quickly. The last thing she wanted was for Buddy to be distracted from studying for his test. “I promise. We’ll be fine. I love you.”
“I love you too, Flash.”
Debbie Sue disconnected. Buddy was wrong. Trouble didn’t always follow her and Ed. Not always. Sometimes they just flat-out went out and found it.
But she hadn’t come to the NAPI conference to do that. She was here as a professional and she was determined to present herself as such. She intended to make Texas proud of the Domestic Equalizers.
Just then she heard Ed’s cackling laughter echo off the tiled walls. No telling what had prompted that. Her mom’s latest award-winning country-western song passed through Debbie Sue’s mind: “Anything Worth Doing Ain’t Easy.”
chapter eight
Good Lord, Debbie Sue, that’s the Empire State Building.” Edwina pressed her face close to the cab’s side window. “It looks just like it did in Sleepless in Seattle. Remember the scene where Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks at the top?”
“I didn’t see it,” Debbie Sue said, “but I saw King Kong hang off the side and fight off airplanes.”
“And what about that old one where Cary Grant waited for this woman and she got run over…. Hey, I know. Let’s look for celebrities. I’ve heard they’re butt-high to a giraffe in New York. Oh, my God, what if we spot somebody famous?”
Debbie Sue wasn’t bowled over by spotting celebrities. She had seen her share. Even knew a few. Not movie stars, but you couldn’t be a ProRodeo champion and not see and know other ProRodeo-ers or country-western singers and the like. Lord, during the years when she wasn’t married to Buddy, she’d had a fling with a three-time world champion bullrider. For that matter, at one time, she had been a minor celebrity herself.
“Wow,” Edwina said, “just look at all the dogs. Did you ever think there would be so many dogs?”
Edwina was acting like a kid in a candy store, but she was right about the dogs. There were dogs on leashes everywhere. All sizes, all breeds. They appeared to be unaffected by the surrounding crowds and traffic. Definitely not something one would see in downtown Dallas or Houston.
Debbie Sue spotted signs pointing to Fifth Avenue and Madison Avenue. “Look! I’ve heard those street names my entire life. I feel like I’m in an episode of CSI: New York.”
A red light halted the cab’s progress. Debbie Sue could see the cab driver cut his eyes to the rearview mirror. So? Maybe she and Edwina were a little carried away, but surely he had seen excited tourists before.
“So do I.” Edwina tugged on Debbie Sue’s sleeve. “Look out my window. There’s a body under that sheet, where those three cops are standing.”
“Oh, my God, Ed. Is that a real body?”
“I can’t think of a reason for it to be a fake one.”
“Maybe they’re filming for a TV show.” Debbie Sue leaned forward and spoke to the cabbie. “Hey, do you think that’s a real body on the ground? Could they be filming a movie?”
“I no see,” the driver said, without turning his head.
“Right there.” Debbie Sue pointed to the right. “Look out your right window. It’s on the ground, twenty feet away.”
“I no see,” the driver repeated, staring straight ahead and honking his horn as the light changed.
Debbie Sue leaned back against her seat. “Well, if that doesn’t beat all,” she whispered. “Why do you suppose he wouldn’t even look?”
“Maybe he didn’t understand you. Or maybe he doesn’t want to get involved.”
“Hell, I didn’t ask him to identify it. I just asked
him to look in that direction.”
Edwina shook her head. “It’s different here, Debbie Sue. It’s just different.”
“You’re telling me. A body on the ground back home, covered up by a sheet? Everyone in the county would be on the phone, checking up on who’s missing or dead. And if this many people drove around in Dallas, all honking at each other, somebody would get his ass kicked.”
In less than fifteen minutes, the driver delivered them to the front entrance of their hotel, heaved their suitcases onto the sidewalk and sped away. Edwina hooked her carry-on’s long leather strap over her shoulder and hoisted another bag to her hip. She bent and picked up two additional bags, one in each hand.
But Debbie Sue wasn’t ready to stop looking at her surroundings. “Wait a minute, Ed.”
“What’s wrong? This is the right hotel, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, yeah, this is where we’re supposed to be.”
Edwina started forward. “Well, I think it’s a pretty fair bet nobody’s coming out here to get us. Let’s go in. I’m carrying over a hundred pounds of crap.”
She limped another two steps under her load, then stopped and set her bags and suitcases on the sidewalk. “Okay, what’s up? What’s going on? You look like a six-year-old that just heard Christmas was canceled.”
“I don’t know, Ed. It’s just that all of a sudden I don’t feel like we belong here.”
“You mean in New York City? Hon, I’m not sure if anyone belongs here, but the fact is, this is where we are.”
“I mean at this conference. Good Lord, Ed, just look around us. What in the hell can we tell people who live here about anything, much less about conducting a criminal investigation? They see more shit walking down the street than we run up against in Salt Lick in a lifetime.”
“Oh, no, you don’t. You’re the one that talked me into coming. You don’t get to have second thoughts. Besides, we’re not here to reinvent the wheel, Debbie Sue. They have their way of doing things and we have ours. All we’re going to do is tell them what works for the Equalizers. It’s a chance to share methods, that’s all. Just a chance to share methods.”
Debbie Sue dredged up a smile. “You’re right. We can all learn something from each other.”
“That’s my girl.” Edwina repositioned her bags with a series of grunts.
“You’re right. I’ll be fine.” Debbie Sue fell in step with her friend and they entered the hotel lobby.
A bellhop met Edwina with a cart and relieved her of her burden. “Debbie Sue, give him your stuff.”
But Debbie Sue was stopped in her tracks, staring at a display board of activities in the hotel. The display spelled out NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS in bold letters, and listed the speakers in smaller type. Debbie Sue’s jaw dropped. “I can’t believe this.”
“What?” Edwina said from behind her.
“Look at this.” Debbie Sue stared at the notice, which read, “Investigating for Dummies, presented by the Domestic Equalizers of Dallas, Texas.”
Edwina came to her side, frowning at the display board. “We’re not from Dallas.”
“I can’t believe this,” Debbie Sue said again, tears springing to her eyes. “I’ve never been so embarrassed.”
“A dummy’s a step down from a clown, right?”
“Shut up, Ed. It’s bad enough they’re making fun of us. You don’t have to do it, too.” The hot flames of anger had finally reached Debbie Sue’s cheeks and tongue. She sliced a hand through the air. “Fuck ’em. Get your shit off that cart, Ed. We’re leaving. They can find somebody else to make fun of.”
“Now, Debbie Sue, don’t get your titties in a twist. We’ve already taken these people’s airplane tickets and I sure as hell don’t want to have to pay for this hotel myself. This joint looks like it costs a little more than Motel Six.”
Debbie Sue’s disillusionment stuck like a huge burr in her throat. She had been so wrong to think the Domestic Equalizers had gained some stature in the world of professional private investigators. She should have known they wouldn’t expect to learn something from country bumpkins. Why, whoever made the display didn’t even show the town she and Edwina came from. All they wanted the Domestic Equalizers for was comic relief. Tears brimmed her eyelids and one trailed down her cheek.
Edwina’s long arm looped around her shoulder and she began to pat. “Now, now, Debbie Sue, c’mon. We’re here, so let’s make the most of it. We’ll get even. We’ll invite ’em all down to Texas and take ’em to a working ranch or a rodeo. Then we’ll make fun of them. C’mon, now.”
Debbie Sue shook her head. “I don’t think I can, Ed. I don’t think I can face a roomful of people, knowing—”
“What are you talking about? You rode a damn horse around three barrels in coliseums full of people. And for a few years you did it better than anybody else. Listen, girlfriend, I’ll bet, in this whole convention, we don’t run across another human being that’s done that. Or can do it.”
“But that was different, Ed. Those were my people and they weren’t making fun of me.”
“You know what? If these folks want clowns, the Domestic Equalizers will give ’em a circus. Now, let’s go find the bar.”
Edwina’s tone had an ominous ring to it. Somehow, Debbie Sue didn’t feel reassured.
So this is New York City, Celina thought. The Greyhound inched its way through a snarl of traffic like she had never seen, not even in Austin. Horns honked. Yellow cabs changed lanes at random. Bike riders took risks that made her want to hide her eyes. Pedestrians jaywalked with abandon. The whole scene was mesmerizing and exciting.
On the sidewalks, throngs of people, mostly wearing athletic shoes, scurried along and crossed intersections. She had expected to see a fashion show. High heels and super models. Beautiful people strolling the streets of the most exciting city in the world. But the crowd she could see from her bus window looked no different from her. Except that they obviously knew where they were going.
At last the bus came to a stop. Passengers got to their feet and started gathering belongings. A wave of panic hit Celina.
Dear God, after forty-two hours and five minutes, she was leaving her cocoon of security. Like a baby bird, she was being pushed from the nest into the noisy, busy, hurrying world. Was she ready? Hardly.
Outside the bus, time passed at a snail’s pace while she waited for her one large suitcase to be unloaded. Once it was in front of her, she didn’t quite know what to do. She could barely lift it and she certainly was unable to carry it. Dewey had carried it to the bus stop in front of the drugstore in Dime Box. She sighed. Well, she could drag it. What choice did she have?
She was relieved to see a taxi stand at the entrance to the terminal, but she wasn’t happy to see such a long line of people waiting. Cabs were also lined up in a long queue, as each one picked up passengers. Apparently, they went by strict rules, because she saw a sign saying that no more than four fares could ride in a cab.
A party of five stood in line ahead of her, talking nervously. A swarthy cab driver was speaking to them in broken English and pointing to the sign. After several minutes of pleading and explaining that they were afraid of being separated and possibly losing each other, the driver relented and threw up his hands. He stalked to the driver’s seat, muttering in a language Celina wouldn’t attempt to guess.
Just as the five started to board the cab, a caftan-wearing driver of the cab behind it darted forward, waving his arms and yelling at the first cab driver in yet a different language. Celina cringed and stepped back, lest he trample her. The driver who had agreed to take the five passengers shouted back. All of the party of five, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, stared helplessly at the two men.
Shouts between the cab drivers turned into pushing and shoving. The two cabbies fell to the ground, rolling and slinging punches, the caftan wearer’s robe a tangled mess. The five passengers moved furtively to yet another cab, where yet another driver quickly loaded their bags i
nto his trunk, slid behind the wheel and sped away, barely giving them enough time to climb in.
When the two cab drivers engaged in fisticuffs on the ground paused and saw the cab speed away, each jumped to his feet, climbed into his respective cab and tore after the cab with the five fares.
“Wow,” Celina muttered under her breath.
As she stood there weighing her few options, another brown-skinned man wearing a turban and a chest-length gray beard approached her. “You need ride?” he asked in broken English.
Celina hesitated. “I, uh, I’m not sure.”
“You in line, you need ride. Where you go?”
Before she could answer he heaved her suitcase into the trunk of his cab.
Left with little desirable choice, she hesitantly opened the back door. The driver had already scooted behind the steering wheel and motioned for her to get in. She drew a deep breath and crawled into the backseat, leaving one foot on the sidewalk.
“Where you go?” The driver asked as he scribbled something on a clipboard.
“How much to take me to Fifty-two Broadway?”
“That Y?”
Celina squinted, uncertain what he had asked her. “Uh, yes.” I think so. “How much?”
He set his clipboard aside. “Two fifty in the front, a buck and fifty for the mile. Fifteen bucks.” He held up ten fingers. “You got that? I do not have all day.”
Confused and still smarting from the theft of her money, Celina tried to do a quick mental calculation of jaunts between the YWCA and the conference hotel. At this rate and with her cushion gone, she would have to keep her trips to a minimum. “Do the subways run there? That fight was a little unsettling and—”
“Do not let those foreigners scare you.” He rolled his dark eyes. “Foreigners!” He made a spitting motion toward the seat. “They ruin the city. You want ride or no? I try to make the living here. What are you, some ball and screw?”
Ball and screw?…Oh, screwball! “Yes!…I mean no!…Yes, I have the money. Let’s go.”
The bearded driver looked at her squint-eyed in the rearview mirror. “Put in foot. Close door.”
