by Xavier Neal
“You must really not wanna talk about Haven to bring him up,” Felix's jab causes us both to let out a low chuckle. “He's...better. He's got about another week before he's completed his program. Anna and I are gonna head up the day after Haven's graduation to help him into his new place. He's got a job lined up too.”
“Yeah?”
“I pulled a few strings. He's gonna transfer to a university that way, but in the mean time he's got a low key job. Should help him stay on the straight and narrow. Who knows maybe this program really worked. Maybe he's done. Maybe he'll make a new name for himself in Arizona. Meet a nice girl and settle down.” I try not to squash his hope. I look away, the sarcasm waiting to be read in my eyes. I highly doubt the borderline rapist could make such a drastic change. But. If I can, hell if Haven can, why can't he?
Cleaning water from my ears, I stare at the pool; the waves very few. “Maybe.”
Felix clears his throat before he proceeds, “You okay? You seem a little off.”
“I'm fine.” I rise to my feet and meet his eyes. “I'm gonna head home. Haven should be headed this way soon.”
He nods and watches me exit his backyard the way I came. As soon as I'm home, I take a quick shower, and hustle to our room to get dressed. I know Haven should be home soon and don't wanna waste any possible minute with her.
The second my jeans are pulled up over my boxer briefs, the sound of my cell phone buzzing across the dresser catches my attention. I quickly retrieve it.
Haven: Gonna study for the final with M&M. Be home late.
I stare at the two sentences in the text. I've barely seen her since our night out together. She's never home. And when she is, I feel like background noise or scenery most of the time. Our relationship has become a series of passing moments and texts. I miss the sound of her voice. I miss lying in bed with her. I miss the days that start and end with her. Fuck, I get it. School requires her time and attention. I keep telling myself after she graduates things will get better. Fuck, I hope they get better. I need them to.
Chucking the phone onto the bed, I march out of my room, down the stairs, and head straight for the garage. Frustration and sadness alike pumping through my veins.
My hand lands on the door knob as dad comes walking through the front door, a small grocery bag in hands. “Hey, Slugger.”
“Hey.”
A smile comes on his face and I find myself wishing I had a reason to smile back. “You OK?”
God, I wish people would quit fucking asking me that. “Yeah, I'm fine. What's in the bag?”
“Had planned on tossing a couple steaks on the grill. Even got Haven the little one wrapped in bacon.”
Hearing her name causes me to grind my teeth. Great. It's not just my life she's disappeared from. Refraining from letting emotions seep to the top I sigh, “She's not gonna be home for dinner. Studying. Late. Again.”
Dad nods and shrugs. “At least it's almost graduation time.”
“Thank God for that,” I mutter. Moving his direction, since he's relocated into the kitchen, curiously I ask, “Was she this busy while I was away?”
The sound of the fridge door closing is followed by his eyes meeting mine. His eyes flash away. He's torn. Between telling me the truth and protecting me is my guess. Folding his arms across his chest he clears his throat, “At times. It's just this bad because graduation is right around the corner. I'm sure things will smooth out once she's finished.”
He's probably right. But what if he's not? What if this is just the way it's gonna be from now? Dating through voice mails? Fuck. I just need a minute away from this chaos. Some fresh air. Something. Anything. “Hey, what do you think about going out and catching a game?”
Baffled is the immediate look on his face. His mouth moves but manages not to say anything. Eventually he croaks out, “Like a baseball game?”
“Yeah.”
After a moment of silence he shrugs. “Sure. Just uh...give me a minute to change. And you may want to put a shirt on.”
Looking down at my bare chest, I let the fact that I'm not wearing a shirt sink it. Maybe that's why Glove is always losing his shirt; His mind is always somewhere else. Or maybe he's an idiot. That's probably my guess.
About an hour later, we're sitting in seats, a beer in his hand and one in mine. I never imagined this would happen between the two of us. Hell, I figured I would've died in the field before I ever spent quality time with him let alone at a baseball game.
I glance over to see him taking it all in. I know he's watched games on TV since mom's death, but never asked has been to a game since. I don't know that I want the answer. Part of me is content in the notion that this is his first since her.
“You ready to talk about it?”
Confused I tilt my cap up and look at him. “About what?”
“About what's eating at you.”
“I'm--”
“Fine. I know. That's what you keep telling everyone, but it's clear to us that weren't born under a rock, you aren't fine.” My attention glances back to the game that's waiting to start. “You don't wanna talk about it? Fine. I just need to know if what's making you “fine” is something that happened while you were deployed or something here.”
“What does it matter?”
“I remember what it was like on the field, Slugger. There are some things you can't un-see. And I didn't want those memories for myself and damn sure don't want them for you. But if that's the case, I would rather know now so we can talk to Striker about counseling or possibly--”
“It's not the field, Sir.” I cut him off and slouch down in my seat.
“So are you gonna talk about it?”
I shrug. I really am fine. Everything will get better once Haven has graduated and replaced me back to my rightful spot as her boyfriend instead of this back burner bullshit hell I feel I'm in.
“Alright.” he lifts his beer to his lips and takes a long drink. “Then can I ask you something without you biting my head off?”
To acknowledge him, I raise my eyebrows, attention still on the game that's moments from starting.
“How are things with Haven?”
I grunt unconsciously annoyed. “Fine.”
“That's what I thought...”
Now becoming irritated with him since all I wanted was a break away from the chaos romping around inside me, I roll my head over to him. “What's that supposed to mean?”
“It means I know you’re my son because you wear jealousy as well as I do.” The comment gets a small chuckle out of me. So it's not just my hot tempered nature he gave me. “Look, all I'm saying is if I came home from deployment, for only a month no less, and my girlfriend was spending all her time with some other guy, I might be a little agitated too.”
“It's not just that,” the words come out of me before I can stop them. “I feel like I'm losing her and nothing I do or say can stop it from happening.”
Dad nods, but doesn't say anything for a while. We stand for the National Anthem. Pride soaring out of both of us for the great nation we've both served. Once we're seated, dad grabs another beer from the vendor.
“Have you tried talking to Haven about it?”
“When? When she's leaving for class? When she's texting Mandy? When she's focused on chopping up perfect carrots for dinner? At night when she's barely awake enough to tell me sweet dreams?”
He takes my outburst better than I imagined he would. “Communication, Clint, is key. Sounds cliché but it is. And that's something you have to really work at. And make time for. Especially when there isn't any.” The advice forces me to rub my forehead where a small line of sweat is forming from the hat. “You have to both want things to get better. You both have to want to make things work. Takes two people to be in a relationship, Slugger. Don't forget that.”
Not really the lecture I was hoping for from him. I was hoping for something with a little more...well hope. Fucking poisonous emotion.
“Slugger, have you told Ha
ven--”
“Not yet.”
Preparing to raise his beer he asks, “Has she asked?”
Uncomfortable with the question I adjust myself in my seat. “Asked what?”
“Has she stopped and asked when you're being deployed again?”
I swallow the guilt. She's barely stopped and asked me anything more than how is your day since I've been home. And when she asks that it's more in passing. More like a bridge to get from her arrival to whatever is she wants to say. When did she become so self-centered? Can I blame her for it?
“No.”
He lets out a low clearly all-knowing growl. I watch as he takes a long draw from his beer, whatever else he wants to lecture right on the tip of his tongue. Damn it. I wish he would just say what the fuck is on his mind. In fact--
“God, you're fucking annoying. It's just a seat, not a prom dress!” a familiar voice shrieks loudly, forcing my body to lean around Dad's.
“What the hell?” my voice mumbles at the sight of Lordy and Glove stumbling down the steps looking for somewhere to sit. With a shake of the head I call out, “Jarheads!”
Lordy and Glove's attention shoots directly at me, recognizing my voice as I did theirs. To no surprise, both of their faces light up and they rearrange themselves to head straight for us instead of wherever they were wondering around to.
“Well fuck me silly; what the fuck are you doing here?” Glove says. They approach the row in front of us that's practically empty, except for the couple at the far end. The couple I'm trying not to stare at. The couple who reminds me of me when Haven and I were here. “Figured you be dick deep in--” Dad clears his throat and grabs Glove's attention. He cringes and offers him a hand up in apologetic fashion. “Sorry, sir. Didn't see you there.”
“Its alright.” the corner of his mouth curves upward.
“What Glove was trying to say...” Lordy speaks up after giving dad a glance, “was we're surprised that you're not spending all your time with Haven.”
Hard to spend time with someone who is never around. Nonchalantly I shrug, “She's got school.”
“You two sitting with us or what?” Dad says taking the focus off a subject I've had enough of.
“Yeah sure.” Glove plops down in the empty seat in front of us Lordy beside him. Glancing over his shoulder he says, “It's been a long time since I've been to a game.”
“I know the feeling.” |Dad glances at me briefly. “You boys want a beer?”
“Hell yeah,” Glove enthusiastically answers shoving his hand in his pocket to fish out cash.
“On me,” my dad's declaration is followed by him flagging over the beer guy, requesting three more since I have mine still basically full.
Lordy and Glove start spouting facts about the teams at us, who’s new from last season, how well they've done. To my surprise, dad chimes in too, making me full aware that he's been keeping up even if he hasn't been attending.
The four of us enjoy the game, hot dogs, and a couple of beers. Afterward, we decide to hit up a local sports bar close by to keep the fun going.
It's close to 11:30 when I finally fall face first into my pillow. Alone. With a heavy sigh I shake the disgust I have growing deep in the pit of stomach for going to bed alone. Again. This isn't a habit I'm sure I can handle much longer. It kills me to be away from her this long, but I barely got a text in time span, indicating she clearly doesn't miss me the way I do her. She's adjusted really well to living without me, but not so much living with me again. My eyelids fall putting away the chaos of the questions that continue to tornado across my brain, determined to destroy inside of me any peace that's left.
There's a bump against my back. I groan. Another bump. A wriggle. And then stillness. My eyes peel themselves awake as I glance at the clock beside my bed. 1:55. Are you fucking kidding me? She's just now getting home? I roll myself over to see her back facing me; sleep already wrapped her in its clutches. My body re-positions itself on its side, glad she at least came home. With my arm snaked tightly around her hip, I bury my face in her neck, breathing her in. Breathing in these moments that are so few and far between. And with the first gulp of her, I smell something that strains my entire body. In jealousy. Hate. Betrayal. Anger. Loathing. I smell a familiar men's cologne. Michele's. Rolling away so I'm on my back, I fold my hands behind my head trembling with resentment all too familiar feeling streaking at the back of my mind that maybe this isn't my girl any more, maybe it's his.
12 Days til School
Graduation day. The last day of the giant wedge that's been placed between us. Thank God. I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle. Late nights without her. Constantly smelling like that dick, Michele. Dating her as a text message rather than a person. So glad it's almost over. So glad she finally completed her dream of finishing school.
The cheers to the graduates fill the room before they exit around back to meet us all in the hallways or outside. While everyone else is here to see Haven graduate waits outside, I'm waiting in the busy hallway. There are hugs being thrown around and kisses. Happiness feeling the small space and I just wanna see Haven. I just wanna hold her in my arms.
Suddenly, the door where the students had been filing out of flies open and Haven looks around immediately searching for a familiar face. As soon as she sees me, she rushes towards me in her heels.
Not being able to hold still any longer, I rush towards her, wrap my arms around her and lift her off the ground. She squeezes her arms tightly around my neck. My muscles tighten at the gesture. I've missed her like this. Reluctantly I place her back on the ground, her eyes still glowing up at me.
“Congratulations,” I smile.
She bites her bottom lip excitedly and giggles. “Thank you!”
“I'm so proud of you,” My words cause her to smile again.
Before I miss the chance I press my lips softly against hers. Very briefly. Too long and my soldier downstairs will wonder if it's time to be back on active duty. Something he hasn't had the chance to be on much lately. Leaning my head against hers, I watch as she twirls my dog tags around.
“You...Clint Walker...are amazing. I couldn't have done this without you.” Slowly she lifts her eyes off my tags and lets them linger in mine. “What would I have done without you?”
A smirk starts to crawl on my face only to be immediately wiped away.
“Haven!” Michele's voice fills the air.
Slipping out of my grip she whirls around to see him a few feet away. “Michele!”
She rushes towards him leaving me empty. Yet again. Deep breaths Clint. Deep. Breaths. You cannot hit him and ruin her graduation day. Feeling the familiar itch to pound something I folds my arms across my chest as I stare on at Michele whose hands are now wrapped around my girlfriend. Mine.
“That him?” Glove's voice interrupts the rant that's growing in my head.
Not moving my attention from the sight I stifle a growl, “Yup.”
At that, Michele shoots me a crooked grin. One that's sending a message loud and clear. One that if it was any other day, I would bash his skull in until he received the one I want to share. That he can't have her.
“Is that asshole smiling at you?” Glove's voice sounds as annoyed as my own.
“Yup.”
“Does he have any idea we could kill him twenty different ways without flinching?” His comment causes a small twitch on my face. Glove may be an insensitive. He may be selfish. He may be an obnoxious pain in my ass. But at the end of the day he is on my side. Always. “I know where we can hide a body.”
The joke stirs up old memories of Old Man Banks lying in my front yard. Dead.
Michele leans his head in laughter, monopolizing her attention. Annoyed from beside me, he grunts, “Fuck that. I've had enough of this.” I shoot him a glance and he cups his hands around his mouth to yell, “Hey Haven!”
Hearing her name, she spins around and lets her face light up again when she sees Glove. Immediately she rushes to him,
not even saying good bye to Michele who suddenly looks defeated. I lower my eyes to a glare. He does the same.
“Proud of you,” Glove's voice travels through the tension and turns me back towards them. That's when I notice Glove is holding Haven closer than I care for.
“Thank you,” She giggles still excited.
“Glove, I swear if you don't loosen your grip on my girl, you will lose those fingers.”
Chuckling he drops the embrace and sighs, “Sorry Haven, but these things are magic with the ladies.”
Disgusted when he talks like that around her, I slug him in the shoulder. Hard, Harder than intended, but the impact was necessary. Glove tries to the hide pain. He doesn't say anything. I think he gets it.
“Be nice, Clint! Its graduation day...” she wraps her arms around mine, putting her right back where she belongs. With me.
“That was nice,” I offer her a playful smirk and she rolls her eyes in a similar fashion.
About an hour later, we're waiting in the front of the restaurant while the hostess has gone to check on the status of our dining area. Mindy rented out an entire back room for us to celebrate. That's Mindy. Always doing something big for someone she cares about.
Haven slipped away into the bathroom finally giving me a moment alone with my friends to warn them.
“Look,” I let out a slow sigh. “I still haven't told Haven yet about me leaving for school--”
“It's less than two weeks away!” Lordy snaps loudly.
With a stern finger point at him I demand, “Lower your voice.” He nods. “I know. It's been...difficult lately. And I didn't want anything to ruin her special day--”
“This feels...familiar,” Glove's implication makes me nervous. He's right. The last time I didn't tell her about my orders ended with a slightly uncomfortable fight. And my reasoning was the same. I didn't want to ruin her special day. I hate the idea of being the one to throw a wrench in an important moment. But I will tell her. Tomorrow. Or soon. Definitely soon.
Having no rebuttal I merely look down at my dress shoes that are slightly scuffed.
