‘I don’t want to go head to head.’
‘Good.’
‘I’m just nervous,’ I said.
‘I know.’ His voice went soft, gentle. ‘It might have been better if you hadn’t come.’
‘I had to. Tamera was killed trying to meet Kendra on my behalf.’
‘I know. I met your friend’s plane. I was there right after her body was found.’
I looked at him again, trying to read beneath his stony features. ‘How, exactly, do you fit in here? In my story, I mean? The detective agency contacted you, I assume.’
‘I’m sure they contacted numerous attorneys in Arizona,’ he said. ‘I just happened to be the one who knew Kendra. And, of course, I knew about her daughter Jillian’s disappearance. Kendra still lived in Buckeye when that happened.’
We began to approach Tucson, but the landscape didn’t change much. It reminded me of home, except for the cacti, which looked artificial, almost as if it had been placed there to enhance the ambience.
‘I read how Jillian disappeared,’ I said. ‘Kendra had stopped to make a phone call. Was she ever found?’
‘Not a trace,’ Leighton said. ‘It ruined Kendra’s life. She hired detectives, psychics, went off on one wild goose chase after another. It ultimately broke up her marriage.’
‘I wish I could be that girl,’ I said.
‘So do I.’ His voice sounded wistful.
‘But I saw her photo, and she didn’t look anything like my own baby pictures,’ I told him.
‘Photos can be deceiving, especially at that age.’ He glanced over at me, as if trying to imagine me in one of those shots of Jillian Trafton. ‘One thing’s for sure – Kendra didn’t put her baby up for adoption. If you’re Jillian Trafton, you were taken.’
‘How does she feel about my coming?’ I asked.
‘It’s hard to know how Kendra feels.’ His smile lacked joy. ‘But she’s been through so much that she knows not to expect anything.’
‘You’re friends, then?’
‘Since high school.’
A question had been nagging me since we’d started talking. Finally, it found words. ‘Do you know who Kendra was calling?’ I asked.
‘When?’
‘That day when her daughter disappeared. She stopped to make a phone call and left the child in the car. Who was she calling on that phone?’
‘What difference would that make?’ He pumped the brake, and we came to a sudden stop at a red light. His lips were tight, and he swallowed, as if suddenly thirsty.
None, I thought, and almost wished I hadn’t asked. But I knew what he was going to say before he spoke, and I knew I’d have to go forward.
‘She was calling me.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t remember. It was a long time ago.’ He parked along a sidewalk lining old-fashioned shops that now housed an aromatherapy soap store, a shiatsu treatment center, a boutique, and what looked like a head shop. ‘This block is our San Francisco,’ he said. ‘Come on, let’s go inside.’
Although I believed he had lied to me about the phone call, I didn’t have time to question him further. I got out of the car, and then realized someone was standing in the doorway of the store. As we drew closer, she moved into the light. She was a large-boned woman, her dark hair pulled back from her face. She wore a long, sleeveless black-and-white print dress and dark glasses, which she removed as we approached.
There was something magical about her, an energy that bordered on charisma. Her eyes were accepting and friendly, yet the way she studied me made me want to squirm.
‘Kit,’ she said, ‘I’m Kendra. I’m so sorry about your friend.’
‘Did you meet Tamera?’ I asked. ‘Were you there?’ I could barely move my lips while I was searching her face for any similarity I could find. ‘Do you know how it happened?’
I could see that she was searching my face as well. ‘No more than Leighton knows,’ she said, and then she wiped her eyes and stepped back from me. ‘This is the last thing I expected. It did cross my mind, but I didn’t believe it could be true.’
I bit my lip, well aware what would come next, realizing I’d wasted my hopes and my time to chase a story that wasn’t true. ‘You’re not my mother,’ I said. ‘Are you?’
‘No.’ She smoothed her hair and kept her gaze steady on mine. ‘I wanted to be. I hoped you’d be my Jillian. But I can see it now.’ She hugged me, a warm, good hug, full of the scent of herbs. ‘I’m not your mother, little girl,’ she said. ‘But I know who is.’
Leighton gasped. ‘What are you talking about, Kendra? What do you mean you know who her mother is?’
Kendra linked one arm through his and her other through mine. ‘Come on. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I know what we need to do.’
‘You know my mother?’ My voice was shaking. My mind filled with images, words, hope. Most of all hope. I was a child again, giddy with wonder. ‘Who is she? Where is she? Does she know I’m here?’
‘She doesn’t even know you’re alive,’ Kendra said. ‘Kit, she thinks you’re dead.’
THIRTY
Rena had tried to walk Leighton out when he left, but her foot felt numb and full of fluid, and he insisted that she stay in her bedroom. That was what she did, lying against the pillows that still smelled of him, trying to put the pictures together in her mind. She really wanted to remember now everything she’d forgotten, and she wanted to forgive herself for everything she remembered. She needed to.
The front door slammed shut like a gunshot. Rena managed to get to her feet. Leighton wasn’t a door-slammer. He must have forgotten something.
‘What is it?’ She stepped into the hall.
‘What the hell do you think it is?’ Dale stood like a bull between the front door and her. He seemed to grow bigger each time she saw him, and now he looked ready to explode.
‘What are you doing back?’ she asked, barely able to get the words out. ‘Did you hear what happened?’
‘I know what happened, all right.’ Dale started toward her, his eyes a milky blue, the way they were when he’d been drinking, but she could tell he hadn’t been. This wasn’t drink that distorted his features. It was anger.
‘I was bitten by a rattler,’ she said. ‘I almost died.’
‘Maybe you should have.’ He came closer, and she could smell his sour coffee breath. No, her husband hadn’t been drinking. This meanness was all him. Her mind was clear. Something had happened to her last night, and she wasn’t afraid any more.
‘A woman was murdered,’ she said.
‘Maybe she deserved to die.’
‘What are you talking about? She was trying to help Kendra find her daughter. I found that poor woman’s body, and when I screamed, a rattler struck me.’
‘Keep talking,’ he said. ‘Nothing’s going to get you off the hook.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean this.’ He slammed his fist into the wood lining the doorway.
She’d forgotten how strong he was. But she couldn’t think about that right now. She had to think about Leighton. She had to think that she was safe and that she didn’t have to be afraid any longer.
‘Don’t, Dale,’ she said. ‘I’ve been through too much.’
‘Too much with Leighton?’ His face loomed close now, and his expression was twisted and evil. ‘I didn’t get the job in Phoenix. In fact, I’ve been parked behind the store, and I’ve been watching the house. I know he stayed here. I watched him drive away.’
Something wasn’t right about Dale. He was lying, maybe, or not telling all of the truth. She refused to draw back from him and forced herself to meet his hateful eyes.
‘You’ve been watching since when, Dale?’
‘What business is that of yours?’ he demanded, his eyes bulging.
‘You say you’ve been watching. I’m just curious why you didn’t see Kendra and Leighton drag me in from the hospital and sit by my bed until I could swallow food. Where were you then
, Dale?’
‘None of your business.’ He tugged at his shirt, and she glimpsed something on his neck, something too purple, too blotchy to be a regular bruise.
‘What woman’s been kissing you on your throat?’ she asked. Lord, had she gotten that brave? He’d slap her for sure now.
He pulled his shirt collar up higher. ‘Don’t start pointing fingers. You aren’t as pure as you pretend. You never were.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘You’re the one with the guilty conscience, Rena. I know what went on in here with you and Leighton Coulter. I knew that wimp would come back some day and try to mess up our lives.’
‘He didn’t try to mess up anything,’ she said, ‘and he doesn’t want to.’ Maybe there was still a way to calm him down. She wasn’t sure, though, not any more. ‘The memories are starting to come back,’ she said. ‘I’m getting it all back, Dale.’
‘Well, goody for you.’ He ran his hand through her hair the way he did when he was ready to grab it too hard and pull her up to him. ‘Just know that I’m the only reason you didn’t end up in the crazy house.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Just that.’
His smirk reminded her of how much she’d feared him. She would never fear him again.
‘I never belonged in the crazy house,’ she said.
‘You don’t think so?’
‘No. Of course I didn’t. Why would you even suggest that?’
‘Because I know about you, the real you. I know about all the stuff you forgot.’ He moved closer to her. ‘You are losing your mind again. You know that, don’t you?’
‘I’m not.’
‘Then tell me why I leave the house to find honest work, and you have a new guy sleeping here.’
‘He’s not a new guy. He saved my life. He and Kendra.’
‘Yeah, right.’ He moved closer to her, his eyes so watery that there was barely any color at all.
She thought of the snake again. She hadn’t seen its eyes, but imagined they couldn’t have been more terrible than these. ‘Leave me alone, Dale. I mean it.’
‘I’ll leave you alone when I’m good and ready. I might just leave you altogether.’
‘That’s fine.’ What had taken control of her? Somehow, she actually had the nerve to talk to him like this – without fear. ‘That’s just fine, Dale.’
Color rushed to his face. His huge chest heaved. Then a strange smirk twisted his mouth, and he looked away toward the chair. ‘What’s that?’
She turned, but before she could see what he was talking about, he shoved her away and grabbed the pillow. Rena stepped back and edged toward the door. She’d left the photos out on the table. Oh, God, don’t let him find them. ‘You’re crazy,’ he said. ‘You know you’re crazy. And you tried to kill yourself once before.’
‘I didn’t!’ She realized she’d screamed it.
He snatched up the strip of photos from the table, and his mouth fell open. She’d seen that look only once or twice, and only when they were very young. ‘So it was him,’ he said. ‘It was that wimp Leighton all the time.’
‘I didn’t see him in all those years, I swear. I’ve been faithful to you.’
‘You’ve been faithful to him,’ he shouted. ‘That’s why you kept his picture.’
He ripped the photo strip in half, and she screamed. Then he started toward her.
Rena ran, still screaming, through the house, through the back door. She’d flag down a car, do anything to get away from him. She hit a rock, and pain jabbed through her foot. She fell and scraped her hand. No time to think about the pain. She struggled to her feet.
‘Don’t try it,’ Dale yelled. She looked up in time to see a boot tip connect with her side. It felt as if it had cut her in half, and she caved into her stomach, trying to roll away from him.
‘No, Dale.’
Another kick. She tasted dirt. Dale stood over her, holding his gun. He shoved it toward her. She cringed and drew back. He couldn’t do this, not to his own wife. A car pulled up, and a woman’s shriek broke through the buzzing in her head.
‘Dale!’ Bryn’s voice. Yes, there she was, hair flying, her expression as full of terror as her voice was. ‘Are you crazy?’ she screamed. ‘What are you doing?’
He moved his aim away from her, but continued to hold the gun. ‘Go inside, Bryn. We’re on the same team, remember?’
‘I’m not going anywhere.’ She stepped between him and Rena, and then looked down at her with wide eyes that didn’t seem able to focus.
‘I told you she’s crazy,’ he said. ‘She’s right on the edge, ready to crack.’
‘I’m not,’ Rena whispered. ‘He’s trying to push me over the edge, but I won’t let him. He’s not strong enough.’
‘Inside, Bryn,’ Dale said again. ‘Let me take care of this out here.’ It was the voice that had always sent Rena running, but Bryn didn’t budge. She raked the hair out of her eyes and continued to stare at Rena.
‘Help me,’ Rena said to her. ‘Please.’
‘You didn’t tell me you were going to hurt her,’ Bryn said, her voice rising. ‘You said you were going to leave her!’
Rena’s tears dribbled into the dust. Dale had wanted her to have another breakdown so that he could be with Bryn. ‘It won’t work,’ she told him. It wouldn’t work. He would never be the boy he wanted to be again, even if he did go off with Bryn.
‘Shut up,’ he said. ‘Go on in, Bryn, honey. I need you in the store.’
‘My store,’ Rena said.
He turned around from Bryn, and Rena could see the jiggle beneath his T-shirt. He wasn’t just big any more. He was soft, too.
‘It should’ve been mine,’ he said. ‘Just like your two-faced father to leave it to you, after all the help I gave him.’
Beside him, Bryn began to sob softly. ‘I’m going to call my daddy,’ she said.
‘Don’t even think about that. You know Leighton’s always hated me. He’ll try to stop us from being together.’
‘Then leave Rena alone,’ she said. ‘Let’s go inside and talk, Dale. Help me understand what’s happening.’
‘He’s trying to kill me.’ Rena knew with a shudder that this was what was really happening out here. Her vision began to blur. She needed to clear her head and get back on her feet before Dale hurt her again.
‘That’s insane.’ Dale leaned down and whispered to Bryn. Rena could make out the words ‘breakdown’ and ‘suicide’.
Bryn finally stepped away from him. ‘Well, all right,’ she said slowly. ‘But don’t do anything to her.’
‘Please,’ Rena moaned to her. ‘Please stay.’ Bryn was Leighton’s daughter. She had to have some of his decency. She couldn’t just walk off like this.
‘Hurry up,’ Dale said. ‘Get back to the store. Come on, get going.’
Bryn turned, and Rena watched, drained of hope as the girl hurried off toward the store.
‘Now, then,’ Dale said. He smiled at her and then at the gun.
‘Please.’
‘You were in love with him,’ Dale said, and moved closer to her. ‘I was the football star, but you wanted him. I took you anyway, even though I knew it was his baby, not mine, you lost.’
Nothing could help her now. ‘I’m not ashamed of it,’ she said. ‘I’m only sorry I let them talk me into marrying you.’
‘So am I.’ He crouched down beside her. ‘I took care of that one bitch trying to poke her nose in our business. You’ll be easy.’
‘Bryn will tell.’ What did he mean he took care of that bitch? Was Dale responsible for murdering that poor woman she had found?
‘You’re right.’ He cocked his head, as if thinking through what she had said. Then he nodded. ‘Bryn will tell, all right. I just have to take care of her too.’
THIRTY-ONE
We rounded the desolate corner that Leighton Coulter said would lead to the gas and convenience store. No, I shouldn’t say Leighton Coulter. I should say
my father. I could see the resemblance now in our hair color, the shapes of our faces. His eyes were still blank with disbelief. Kendra’s news had almost flattened us both. Now, we sat side-by-side in the back seat as Kendra drove down the narrow, dusty road. I squinted at the stark landscape and attempted to find a structure.
Leighton looked at me again, as if trying to make sure I was who Kendra had said I was. ‘It’s going to be a few more minutes before we’re there.’
I nodded, knowing I already trusted those eyes. ‘I can’t believe this,’ I told him.
‘Neither can I. They told me our baby died.’
‘She almost did,’ Kendra said, and met my eyes through the rear-view mirror. ‘You were so early, they didn’t think you had a prayer. Rena’s folks didn’t know she was pregnant, so when she went into labor, I signed her into the hospital under my name, thinking we could keep them from finding out.’
‘But they did find out,’ Leighton said. ‘What happened, Kendra? Not even Gerald and Anna could be so unforgiving that they’d get rid of their own grandchild.’
‘I think they must have convinced themselves that it was best for all involved,’ Kendra said. ‘Rena was fragile. After they told her she lost the baby, she just shut down. Dale stepped in to save the day, and all of a sudden, Gerald and Anna had enough money to buy the gas and convenience store.’
‘Twenty thousand,’ I said, trying to make a joke of it. ‘That’s how much Mick and Elaine, my parents, paid for me.’
Kendra met my eyes in the mirror again. Hers were luminous, full of goodness. I knew the kind of person Rena, my mother, had to be to have her for a friend. ‘I’d hoped and hoped you might be my Jillian, but the minute I saw you, I knew who you were,’ Kendra said. ‘And I knew who your parents were.’
‘You look just like your mother, Kit,’ Leighton said.
‘And you, Leighton, too,’ Kendra said. ‘She has your eyes.’
And in this vehicle of strangers plowing through the desert, these strangers talking about my eyes, my family, my genes, I just laughed, bubbling with joy unlike any I had ever known. I belonged somewhere, I really did. I had a past and a future. My life wasn’t just present tense. For the first time, I was able to release some of my anger. How could I be angry when I had a family, not only a mother, but a father?
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