I swallowed hard. My heart sunk. Damn, I wanted him to kiss me. And he just told me, and everyone at the table, that he had no intention of doing so. Of course I wasn’t supposed to want him to kiss me. I’d broken up with him. I told him we were through. That he didn’t know me. That I couldn’t see him anymore.
And he was sitting there proving every last word I’d said wrong.
I looked down at the empty plate in front of me, wishing I had something, anything to occupy myself with. I wanted to slap Joel’s hand off my leg and run off with Joey. I wanted to forget that he was a distraction, a means to an end, and bury my head in his chest and have him tell me how wonderful I was.
But that defeated the whole purpose, right? I wanted to be someone else, and with Joey I was. Or, I thought I was. I ignored my responsibility to screw him in the woods, I ignored his requests for dates, I ignored how much I liked him and kept things casual.
And Kendall ended up hurt because of it. A teenager, one I was supposed to be responsible for, got hurt because of me.
Stephanie walked away after confirming the rest of us were doing okay. I sat there, frozen between Joel’s hand on my leg, Joey’s hand on my neck, and Cassandra’s stare. What the fuck was I supposed to do to get out of this one? It seemed Joey was sticking around for dinner. How the hell was I going to survive?
“So, Joey, you seem pretty cozy with my sister. Exactly what sort of instructions do you give her?”
Joey looked over at me, a devilish grin on his face. His ran his thick tongue over his lips, leaving a trail of moisture that matched the one in my panties. Jesus, the man was sexy, and the worst part was he didn’t even realize he was doing anything. I mean, yeah, he could tell I was about to burst into flames, but I knew he wasn’t doing it on purpose. Just being near him made me want to straddle his hips and go for the gusto.
“Addi’s come a long way over the last few weeks. She can get down the hill without any issues now. I can’t really take a lot of credit though. Addi’s just a natural on the slopes. She dives right in there and goes for it. Always eager to have fun.”
Cass nodded along as though Joey was telling her the most fascinating story ever. She batted her eyelashes at him and all but forgot about Tommy. I almost felt bad for the guy, until I saw him checking out the woman two tables over with boobs that nearly fell into her salad. At least he wasn’t drunk and I wasn’t going to have to kick him in the nuts later for trying to take Cass home. Ever since Mom moved in she’s had a pretty boring social life.
“Oh, I'm sure you've done more than you realize. Maybe you can give me some private lessons sometime. A big strong man like you ought to be more than capable of handling little old me,” Cass cooed.
I nearly threw up. Nope, I actually did throw up in my mouth a little. I reached for my water glass, but Joey had drained it already so I was stuck with the taste of bile on my tongue, replaying Cass’s words. She might as well have laid on the table and offered herself up for his meal. There was no way he would agree to her blatant request for a boink in the woods.
“Of course. I’m there pretty much every day, mostly in the afternoons. I’m sure I can show you a thing or two on the slopes.”
I scoffed, then squeaked. I couldn’t believe he agreed to that. How dare he? What was he thinking? My sister! My own fucking sister! From her I wasn’t surprised because she didn’t really know what was going on with Joey and me. But Joey, he just didn’t give a shit. After he tried to tell me he cared about me. After I thought we had a connection. After I almost thought I could be falling for him.
After I broke up with him, and had no fucking reason to keep them apart.
I shoved my chair back and excused myself, rushing off to the bathroom. I needed to get the hell out of there. Joel was suffocating me with his hand on my leg, rubbing and easing its way just a little higher. Cassandra was trying to steal Joey from me, giving him the chance to have all the fun in the world. And Joey? Well, Joey was telling me clear as day he heard me four days ago. We were done. Completely.
What the hell was wrong with the people in my life?
I slid the lock shut on the stall door and sat down. I needed a break. And some perspective. God help me, I called my mother.
Twenty-Five
“I thought you were out on a date with Cass. What’s wrong?” she said when she answered the phone.
“Why did you leave Dad?” I blurted out before I lost my nerve.
“What? What are you talking about? That’s none of your business,” she scoffed.
“No, Mom, I think I deserve to know. You’ve been living with Cass for about five weeks now and I know you’ve told her what’s going on, but you won’t tell me. Why don’t you want me to know why you left him?”
I heard her sniffle, and I knew I’d crossed the line. But dammit, I didn’t care. I wanted answers. I’d been beating my head against the wall, trying to get them back together, and nothing was working. If I knew what split them up in the first place, it might make sense.
“He said he outgrew me. He told me I’m too childish and I relive my younger days too much. He was ready to retire and settle down and I wanted to travel. He’s ready to sell the house and get a condo, but I said we should buy a camper instead. He wants to plant a garden and grow our own vegetables and I’m perfectly fine with the ones at Wegman’s. He’s changed, and he says I haven’t, and he doesn’t want the old me anymore.”
I dropped my head into my hand and rested my elbow on my knee. I didn’t need to hear all that. It sounded to me as though my dad was being a bit unreasonable. Who cared if she wanted to travel? Didn’t all retired people want to travel? What difference did it make if they lived in a camper they drove around the country or in a condo and never left? They were happy together for 35 years, and one day he decided he didn’t like her anymore. What bullshit.
“Why are you asking, Addi? Why do you want to know? So you can help him find someone who suits him better?”
It was my turn to scoff. “Of course not. I don't want to see him with someone else. I want you guys back together, Mom. I’ve been trying to get you together. That’s why I planned that date for you two last weekend, but it didn’t work. Nothing is working. I just want to figure out why. Do you still love him?”
I heard her swallow before she said, “With all my heart.”
“Then we need to find a way to get him to pay attention to you. We need something that will make him stand up and take notice,” I declared, already working on a plan in my head.
“Addi, honey, what’s going on?”
“I just don’t know how to handle a few things, Mom. I guess I thought if I could fix you and Dad then maybe I’d have a shot with the guy. Maybe if I wasn’t such a screw up with every aspect of my life, I’d be able to have a relationship. I was such a fool.”
Mom blew out a sigh sounding as defeated as I felt. Maybe we James women were just destined to live without love. God knew I couldn’t figure it out, Mom had it but now seemed to have lost it, and Cassandra wouldn’t know love if it knocked her over.
“Addi, sometimes things just don’t work out. I don’t know if your dad and I will get back together. I hope so, but I can’t make you any promises. You’re not a little girl anymore, but I know you still worship your dad. He’s a good man, but I’m tired of trying to please him and putting myself second. Our entire marriage I felt like I had to do everything he ever asked. It’s been 35 years and now all of a sudden it wasn’t good enough. I’m tired, honey. Maybe that’s not fair, but I am. I’m ready to not have to work so hard in my marriage, and your dad is asking me to work harder. I found myself wondering when he would work hard to keep me in his life, and I’m pretty sure he’s not willing to. So I left. But I don’t want you going through the same thing. If you find a man who adores you, you should find a way to be with him, but only if he treats you well. Don’t settle.”
I laughed, wiping the tears that were trickling down my cheeks. “I’m sorry I’ve been ma
king things harder on you, Mom. I really thought I could help.”
“Oh, Addi, that’s the most wonderful thing about you. You always try to help. Whether it’s Cassandra’s late night rescues or my marriage or your students who need a little extra nudge, you always help.”
Did she just say what I thought she said?
“You didn’t think I knew about Cass, did you?” Mom asked with a small laugh. “Cass told me all about it last week. On New Year’s Eve actually. When she couldn’t get you to take me out with you and she stayed home, we ended up talking. She’s getting help. You won’t have to worry about her anymore.”
It was too much. God, I didn’t know if I could take it all. My entire existence felt like it’d been flipped upside down. I needed a minute to figure it all out. Shit, I might need a lifetime.
“How is all this possible? For the last month I’ve been trying to change everything about me. I’ve been trying to be more like Cass. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anyone, especially myself. And now you’re telling me the parts I’ve been desperate to change, that you said I needed to change, are the best parts of me. I don’t think I can listen anymore.”
“Addi, wait,” she said as I pressed end. She called right back, but I sent it to voicemail.
Everything I’d been doing was to prove that I wasn’t boring old Addi. To show everyone that I could be the fun one. Responsibility instilled in me for over a decade, because of my sister’s irresponsibility, was front and center in my life for so long that I never bothered to care about myself. And now it’s no big deal because Cass admitted it to Mom. Now I’m a great person because instead of just being a boring person I was keeping her precious child safe.
How dare she?
Angrier than before I’d left the table, I pushed my way out of the stall, cleaned up my face, and stomped back to the table. If Cass wanted Joey, she could have him. I was done with him, and I was done with her.
The two of them were laughing at something when I came back. Tommy was still checking out big boobs and her salad, and Joel was watching the door. Cass saw my face and her laughter faded, her smile drifting away. Joey turned and watched me. He swallowed roughly, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his neck.
“Are you alright?” Joey asked when I reached the table.
I dropped into my seat, stuck between Joey and Joel, and immediately felt my skin crawl. I didn’t want to be there. I never wanted to go out with any of the guys Cass set me up with. I knew they weren’t really interested in me either. They were all pity dates, or maybe a play at getting Cass into bed. Be nice to her sister and she’ll sleep with you. Who knew?
And who cared?
Joel might have been different. He seemed like a nice guy. But the truth was he was another one Cass set me up with. I’d never feel comfortable around a guy who met Cass first. A guy who met me through Cass. I’d always wonder if he was using me to get to her, or if he’d already been with her and was waiting for another shot.
I shook my head slowly and made a decision. “You know what, Joey, I’m not alright. But it’s not your concern. It’s not anyone’s concern but my own. I think I’m going to go.”
“Wait, why?” Cass stammered.
I paused, unsure how much I wanted to tell her. How much information I wanted to give her. I felt my phone vibrate again, Mom calling back. I couldn’t deal with any of them.
“I’m just done, Cass. You win. I’m not you. I’m boring. I’m not fun. I’m not ever going to be. I’ve been killing myself to make sure you were okay, to try to be like you, and I’m just done. If you want Joey, he’s all yours. Joel, it was nice to meet you and you seem like a really nice guy, but I think we both know this just isn’t going to work.”
I pushed my chair back and turned away from their stunned faces. As I walked out I threw my coat on and thanked God I’d decided to drive myself.
Just before I reached the hostess stand, a hand clamped down on my arm. Joey spun me around and pushed me against the wall next to the bar. I pushed back, but he was too strong. And he wasn’t willing to move.
“What was that all about?”
I shook my head, willing myself not to cry in front of him. I couldn’t give myself one more thing to be upset about tonight. I felt like a brick building had already collapsed on me, and crying in front of Joey just might be the end.
“It was nothing. You just seemed more interested in my sister than me. I can’t blame you. She’s the pretty one, the fun one, the sexy one. No man in his right mind would look twice at me with her around. She’s the one I’ve been pretending to be, but you can have the original. The real thing. Have fun.”
He scoffed and let go of my arm. Joey’s hands hit the wall on either side of my shoulders, caging me in. He leaned into me, his body close enough that I could smell his scent, fresh air, pine trees, and man. Dear God, that man. I hated being so close to him, especially knowing I’d never have him again. He was gone. He wasn’t mine, not that he ever was, but now he knew Cass. And he liked her. What a shock.
“You have the nerve to get pissed off at me for flirting with your sister when you’re on a date with another man? I’ve practically begged you to go on a date with me, for weeks, and you refused. Time and again, you turned me down. And I walk in here tonight and find you in a sexy dress, wearing fuck me boots, and laughing with some other guy? Just days after you tell me it’s over. Just days after you tell me you’re not yourself around me. How in the hell did I become the bad guy here?”
“Don’t act all high and mighty with me. You only asked me out because you thought you should. What we had was fun, nothing else.”
Joey stepped back, his eyes flashing with something that looked too close to pain for me to want to identify. “I was playing by your rules, Addi, not mine. You’re the one who wanted to keep things fun. I wanted to get to know you better. I tried, dammit, every time I saw you. But you kept me at arm’s length. And now you’re just pushing me even further away. I thought… hell, it doesn’t matter what I thought.”
I sucked in a deep breath, desperate to hear what he thought. God I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything about him. But I knew it was too late. He might still say he wants me, hell, he might even mean it, but I’d pushed him too far. Everything he said was right. I pushed him away and refused to date him while I was dating other guys. I didn’t let him know me. I didn’t want him to. I thought I could do casual sex. I thought I could be Cass. I was wrong. On so many levels.
“How many others?”
“How many others what?”
His jaw twitched as he ground his teeth together. He thought I was playing dumb, but I had no idea what he was asking me.
“How many others have you gone out with since we met? Since you started sleeping with me?”
Oh, that.
Of all the questions he could ask me that had to me the worst one.
I ducked my chin, not wanting to meet his eyes. He blew out a pissed off breath and swore. “I really thought we could have had something Addi. I really did. But if there were so many other guys that you either don’t remember or don’t want to tell me… It was nice knowing you, Addi. Goodbye.”
Then he was gone.
The door swung shut behind him, the cold air rushing around me. I wanted to chase after him, tell him I was stupid, beg him to give me another chance. But I couldn’t. My mother’s words rang in my ears. Would I be any different than her if I did that? Chasing after a man who would only change his mind one day about what he really wanted? Could I be any better than that?
It didn’t matter. I was done trying to live my life for everyone else. I was Addi James. I wasn’t ever going to be anyone other than that. And trying to fool myself into believing I could ever change was just another sign of how naive I’d been.
Twenty-Six
Monday morning I woke up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want to go to school. I didn’t want to go to ski club. I didn’t want to face Joey.
<
br /> But I was Addi James and I always did what I knew others needed me to do. So I dragged my ass out of bed and went to work.
Kendall was back at school for the first time, so the whole school was a flurry of excitement and activity. She stopped in to see me before first period.
“Miss James, can we talk?”
Dread filled me. I didn’t want another talk with her. Another talk that would send her running out of my room and straight to Braden. That could lead to her getting hurt.
“Of course, Kendall,” I said, ignoring the fear inside.
“Um, so I’m really sorry about the way I acted last Monday. It wasn’t very smart of me, and I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Kendall, everyone does stupid things. You were trying to have fun with Braden. I wish you hadn’t gone off with him, yes, but you don’t have to apologize to me for it.”
She ducked her head and shuffled her feet. “Actually, I do. But that’s not what I was talking about. I was talking about running out of here after we talked. I should have realized you were trying to be honest with me and telling me something that was hard to hear, but also the truth. I had a lot of time to think when I was in the hospital and all last week at home. I do like Braden, and I like who I get to be when I’m with him. He makes me happy. But that doesn’t mean I love him. Maybe one day it will, but right now it doesn’t. I know that’s part of what you were telling me.”
I felt like all the air had been sucked out of my lungs. She liked who she got to be when she was with him. She wasn’t completely changing herself for him, just got to explore other aspects of her personality. That wasn’t such a horrible thing, was it?
That’s how I was with Joey. I liked who I was with him. I regretted not being responsible and Kendall getting hurt, but I liked being carefree. I liked spending time with him. He made me laugh. He made me proud of who I was.
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