by Mz. Toni
“It’s not your fault. Don't worry, I’mma get her back,” I said, hugging her tight.
“Should we call Cherish?”
“No, ain't no point in worrying her yet,” I said. As I stood pacing in my living room, I got tired of standing around not doing anything. Grabbing my gun, I got ready to walk out the door.
“Where you going?” Kaliah asked.
“I'm going to find my baby girl, fuck you mean!”
“I just don't want you to doing nothing stupid,” she said, standing in front of the door.
“Get out my way!”
“Please Jason, think about your kids.”
“I ain't thinking about my fucking kids? Do you know how dangerous that crazy bitch Jayda is!” I screamed. As we were arguing back and forth, I heard the knob on the front door turn and in came Jasmine with an ice cream cone, all smiles.
“Hey daddy!”
“Hey baby girl, you ok?” I asked, checking her over for marks or bruises.
“I'm fine, what’s wrong?”
“Is everything ok? I just wanted to treat her to some ice cream and spend a little time with her,” Ashley said. Giving her the look of death, I ignored what she said and focused on my daughter.
“Nothing, go upstairs and get ready for bed, it’s late,” I said. When Jasmine was upstairs, I wasted no time digging into Ashley.
“Who the fuck told you that you could stop by unannounced and pick up my daughter without my permission!”
“I didn't do anything, and we came right back,” she said.
“I don't give a fuck. I told you to call me and I also told you not to have her around that crazy bitch Jayda!”
“I know, but she wouldn't let me go alone!” she pleaded.
“Wouldn't let you? Last time I checked, you're fucking grown!”
“I know. It was a stupid mistake and it will never happen again. Please don't take my baby from me.”
“Look, I ain't gon take her from you, but let's be clear. I need you to understand that I don't trust you or that bitch and if you want to see Jasmine, it needs to be supervised by me.”
“I understand.”
“I hope you do because if this shit happens again, then you won't be seeing her!”
“Ok, can I call you tomorrow and set up a meet?” she asked.
“Yeah, tomorrow is good Ashley,” I said, while rubbing my forehead. I just needed her to leave. Seems like whenever this bitch was around, I got an instant headache. When she left, I looked at Kaliah and I knew I had fucked up. If looks could kill, a nigga would have been six feet under.
“What you cook babe?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“So it’s obvious you mad at a nigga, so go head and talk so we can fix this shit.”
“I have nothing to say to you!”
“Come on now, I know I snapped on you, but I was worried.”
“I don't give a fuck how worried you were, ain't nobody tell ya simple ass to knock up a simple bitch. If you’re gonna take ya anger out on anybody, it should have been her ass!”
“Aight aight, my bad, damn,” I said, putting my hands up to show her that I surrender.
“Yeah, ya bad,” she said with an attitude. Before turning around to walk upstairs, following behind her, I walked into my bedroom and watched as she got her shit.
“What you doing?”
“I'm leaving, before I have to smack the shit out of somebody!”
“Who the fuck you slapping!” I snapped through gritted teeth.
“Jason, just leave me alone!”
“Man, I said sorry, damn!”
“You really don't get it, do you? Yeah you snapped on me and you shouldn't have, but that ain't even what I'm most mad about!”
“So tell me.”
“Nobody respects me as ya woman. Jasmine don't, ya stinkin ass baby mama don't, and hell, neither do you!”
“Fuck you mean I don't respect you!”
“I asked to spend time with your kids and you did that, and I appreciate it, but I ain't no damn baby sitter!”
“All I was doing was chilling with Mark and them. I wasn't even gone that long and I don't leave you with them any other time. Stop fucking acting like a child and tell me what’s the problem!”
“How you know I ain't wanna chill with you and them? You never bring me to get togethers with them, I'm like some secret,” she pouted.
“Yo, fix ya face. If I wanted to deal with a spoiled fucking child, I would have stayed with Cherish!” I screamed before I could stop myself. With a look of hurt, she raised her hand and slapped the dog shit out of me.
“How dare you compare me to her. You wanna be with her, then by all means do you cuz I'm out!” she said, before grabbing her shit and storming out the room.
Chapter Five
Ashley
“I just don't understand how you can be so fucking stupid sometimes!” Jayda screamed, shaking her head.
“I'm not stupid, damn. I miss my baby and I'm tired of all this!” I snapped.
“All I asked you to do was grab the little brat. You claim to miss her, so I'm confused as to why you brought her back.”
“I knew she would call Jason and I just want to go about things the right way.”
“So what, you not with me no more?”
“I'm always with you, but aren't you tired of chasing after a nigga who obviously doesn't want you,” I said, confused and tired.
“Bitch, who are you to say he doesn't want me? It’s all these other hoes always in the way!”
“I ain't telling you nothing you shouldn't already see for yourself. You said Cherish was the problem, but they’re not together anymore and he done found somebody else.”
“What the fuck? I know you act stupid, but you can't be this stupid. His friends know who I am, how would it look if he came with me on his arm?”
“That's really what you think?” I asked before laughing. I couldn't help it. I didn't see it before, but I see it now, this bitch is completely delusional.
“You laughing at me, you think I'm a fucking joke!” she screamed. Before I knew what was happening, she was already standing over me, pounding my body.
“Stop Jayda, I wasn't making fun of you!” I screamed, while trying to block my face. She had the strength of a grown man because at one point, she was. She was putting a hurting on me something terrible and I didn't know how to stop her.
“I'm so tired of everybody thinking I'm a fucking joke!” she screamed, while still hitting me.
“Jayda, stop!” I screamed, before using my foot and kicking her in the stomach and onto the floor. Jumping over her body, I rushed to the bathroom and closed the door, locking it behind me. As I looked in the mirror, I couldn't do shit but cry. How could she do that to me after all I’ve done for her? How could she hurt me like this? As I grabbed a washcloth out the closet and wet it with hot water, all I could think about is all the many times I’ve had to do this in the past growing up, and how I vowed never to have to do this again.
“Hey granny's baby,” my grandmother said. I knew what she wanted, so I pretended to be sleep. I thought it had worked when I felt her get off my bed and when I heard my bedroom door open. Getting up to close and lock my door, my grandmother opened it as I was locking it. The look on her face let me know just how my night would be.
“Bitch, you thought you could trick me!” she snarled before slapping me across the face and onto my bed.
“No, I wasn't trying to trick you, I swear!”
“So you gonna stand there and lie right in my face. Go get my switch!”
“I'm sorry, I'm just so tired,” I said as tears fell from my eyes.
“You too tired for God!”
“No, but between school, housework, church and praying, I'm just so tired,” I pleaded.
“Oh, so you just wanted me to cut some of your daily duties?” she asked with a smile.
“Yes please,” I said innocently.
“Oh bitch, you think you special. Ya mama
had to do everything you doing right now and she did it!”
“No, I don't think I'm special!”
“Just in case you thought you were, bitch I'm here to tell you that you ain't!” she said, before walking out. When she came back, she had the switch with her and I knew this would be a long night. Taking off my nightgown, I grabbed the stool and got in the position I knew all too well. That night, Granny beat me for over an hour, and that next morning was the last time I saw my granny. When I got to school the next morning, my teacher walked by while she was teaching and noticed blood coming through the back of my shirt. She wasted no time calling me out the room and into the nurse's office. When I took my shirt off, they both broke down in tears at the bruises, scars and open wounds on my back.
“Who did this to you Ashley?” my teacher asked. I was so scared that I didn't say anything, I just stayed silent. My grandmother always told me that if I tried to tell anyone, no one would believe me. My grandmother was known as a God fearing woman who helped often in the community.
“You can tell us,” the nurse said.
“My granny,” I said quietly.
“Who?”
“My granny,” I said louder.
“Oh my God. Ms. Evans did this to you?”
“She’s been doing this to me for five years, but I know you guys don't believe me. Just send me back to class and leave me alone.”
“Ashley, I'm not the rest of this damn town. I don't put anyone on a pedestal that they don't deserve to be on. If you said she did it, then I believe you,” my teacher said, hugging me.
“You do?” I asked, as tears fell from my eyes.
“Yes, why wouldn't I, the proof is right here. You couldn't have done that to yourself.”
“So what happens now?” I asked.
“We call the police and DYFS,” she said. When all was said and done, my granny was arrested and I was taken to my first foster home.
“Ashley, open the door!” Jayda screamed, bringing me back from my trip down memory lane.
“Leave me alone!’
“Come on, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me,” she said through the door.
“You beat me Jayda. Did you forget that you are a man with the strength of a damn man!” I snapped.
“I know, I know and I'm sorry. Just come out the bathroom so we can talk,” she pleaded. I knew what I needed to do, I needed to leave and never look back.
“I love you Ashley, you're my best friend and all I got,” Jayda said. Walking up to the door, I unlocked it. I know I must look stupid, but this was the only love I’ve ever had. Jayda treated me better than anyone I’d ever known. So what she got upset for the first time and got carried away.
“I love you too,” I said, hugging her.
“I know I’ve been a little on edge, but I just need him to see how much I love him.”
“Why be with someone who you have to do all this for? I'm here and I love you,” I said sincerely.
“You're my friend and I love you. Maybe in another life we would have been soulmates, but I know in my heart that Jason is the one for me,” she said.
“Well, I gotta go,” I said sadly.
“Wait, where you going?” she asked.
“Jason said I can go hang with Jasmine today.”
“Why didn't you tell me?”
“Because the only rule he has is that I can't bring you,” I said honestly.
“Yeah, whatever. Well clean ya nose before you go,” she said with a smirk. Rolling my eyes, I walked into the bathroom to clean myself up, and when I was done, I headed out to go see my baby girl. I know people think I'm not shit. I mean, what kind of mother leaves her child, but I had no choice. Everything I did was for her. I needed to get myself cleaned up and I needed to take care of myself. I knew I was no good to her in the condition I was in.
When I got with my boyfriend, I thought he was a godsend. He was good to me and he showed a lot of attention to Jasmine. He was so sweet and he took care of me, so when he introduced me to tricking, I thought shit, I could use the money and with him there to protect me, I knew I would be safe. I didn't realize that he had become my pimp until I stopped seeing the money that I was working so hard for. By the time I was smart enough to leave, he had got me strung out on coke. I always sniffed socially, but this shit was addictive and I had never had a high like it. I started losing weight, I barely saw my baby and tricking was the only thing I did. I hardly slept. One day I came home early because I was missing my baby something serious. When I walked into my bedroom, I watched as my daughter laid on my bed with no clothes on, while my so called man took pictures of her. Grabbing an E&J bottle, I held it tight and swung for his head. My intentions were to knock his head off, but because I was so small and so tired, I missed. That day we fought hard and after he beat my ass, he assured me that if I tried to take her, he would find us both and kill us. Apparently, he was making a lot of money selling my daughter’s nude pictures to perverts online. I felt like shit. I was so busy getting high and fucking for money that I made my daughter become a victim. I felt horrible and I knew I had to make things right or my baby would never forgive me. So later that night while he was sleep, I grabbed my baby and took her some place that I knew she would be safe. When I dropped her off, I cried so hard and so bad, but I knew Jason would take care of her.
Pulling up to Jason’s house, I grabbed a teddy bear that I’d bought for her the other day, fixed my clothes, and checked my makeup. When I knew I was right, I walked up to the door to knock.
“What's up Ashley?”
“Hey Jason, thanks for calling me,” I said happily.
“I talked to Jasmine and she was excited about seeing you again. She's in the play room with the twins,” he said, moving to the side and letting me in. Walking through his house, I was taken aback at how beautiful and big it was. I couldn't help but think that if I’d had a different life that maybe I would have been the one he chose and we would be raising Jasmine together. Walking into the playroom, I watched as his children sat in their walkers with bright smiles, as Jasmine gave them fake food and pretended to be a restaurant owner.
“Hey baby!” I said, surprising her.
“Hey Mama Ashley!” she said excitedly, before hugging me.
“I got you something!” I said, before picking the teddy bear up and handing it to her.
“Oh wow, a teddy bear,” she said, not sounding too excited about it.
“Yeah, I know. You love to collect teddy’s,” I said with a smile.
“Thanks, I like it,” she said. I felt like I was off to a good start. I bet she’d thought I forgot about how much she loved teddy bears, but little did she know, I remembered everything there was to know about my baby.
“You're welcome. Well, what are you playing, can I play?” I asked.
“I'm playing cooking. You can be another customer,” she said, laughing.
“So, you like cooking?” I asked.
“Yeah, Daddy takes me to cooking classes twice a week. I'm getting really good, but Daddy says I can't cook alone because I might burn the house down, so I just play with this and pretend I made it,” she said with a shrug.
“Maybe one day you can cook for me.”
“What y'all doing?” Jason asked, walking into the playroom.
“Nothing, I'm cooking for Mommy Ashley,” she said. It hurt me to the core to hear her call me that because I knew that meant she called Cherish mom.
“Oh ok, well I just came to grab the twins,” he said, before picking the little girl up first.
“I can help you,” I said.
“Naw, I got it, I'm used to holding both,” he said, before grabbing the boy and walking out. We played and talked for two hours, before Jason said it was time for me to go. I wanted to be mad, but I wasn't. I was just thankful that he let me see her.
“Alright baby, I love you,” I said, hugging her.
“Love you too, see you later,” she said with a smile. Seeing Jasmine made me want
to become a better me. I promise one day soon I'm gonna prove to everyone that I'm a good person and mother, despite my mistakes.
Chapter Six
Mega
“So, did you enjoy spending time with Ashley?”
“It was ok, but a little weird.”
“Why was it weird?” I asked.
“She doesn't know me anymore daddy. I don't like none of the things I liked before. She bought me a teddy bear, but I'm about to be a preteen, I don't want no teddy bears.”
