by Megan Chance
"Suppose you tell me what you're afraid of," she said softly.
And I found myself admitting something I didn't even know. "What if it isn't enough?"
She laughed again, this time in pure amusement. "Oh, Marguerite. You got to make it be enough. How else can you go on living?"
From the Journal of Sabine Conrad
NEW YORK CITY, FEBRUARY 26, 1873--I am quite exhausted--today I sang two performances as Kellogg is feeling poorly and not in her best voice, so I must stand in for her. When I came back to the hotel there was an invitation for me to one of Caroline Astor's weekly dinners!
It is what we've been waiting for! All my longing glances to Mr. Jerome's box, as well as my very good notices, have had the effect we hoped. Mr. Jerome sends me flowers now once a week, and last time there was a pair of small pearl earrings tucked away in the blossoms, and his note said: "Please be kind to me, Miss Conrad, when I call upon you." Though as yet, he has not made an appearance (something I confess only here that I am happy about. It's easy to flirt with someone from afar; I don't know if I can pretend to like him in person. But Gideon says to remember that I do this for our future, and so I will do my best).
But the dinner! Gideon was so happy he danced me about the room. It means I have gained society's attention and I am deemed important enough to attend Caroline Astor. If she likes me, all of the rest of society will come knocking on my door. I am so excited and nervous over it--how am I to know how to act in high society? Oh, I wish I could take Gideon with me, but I am the only one invited, and it says nothing of bringing a guest and Gideon says angering Caroline Astor by bringing him would be folly.
Of course I don't think of taking Barret now. It would be too big a temptation for him, as he is trying for Dorothea's sake not to drink so much, though he does not seem quite himself lately. Last night he and Gideon went out. When Barret stumbled into my room it was past two and he was drowsy and smelling of something odd--I don't know what it was, some kind of tobacco, I think. This is the second time now he has done this, and when I ask Gideon he only says that my brother's behavior stains my career, and that no one finds him nearly as charming as he once was and half the time he doesn't show up at meetings so Gideon must make up for him. I said I thought Barret was better with Dorothea, and Gideon said I could believe what I wanted but that Barret hardly deserves the love I bear him or the dedication Gideon devotes to watching over him.
I must go now, because Gideon has me studying for the Astor dinner. These are the subjects I can discuss: food, wine, horses, yachts, cotillions, and marriages. Of course I know nothing of any of these things, but I suppose if they wish me to give my opinion on the best beer and fried fish in the city, I could accommodate them.
MARCH 5, 1873--Tonight after my performance the usher told me the Astor carriage was waiting outside the backstage door for me. Sitting right there in the alley with the Astor crest and livery! Gideon helped me dress and nearly pushed me out the door, and I was giggling with excitement and nerves when he kissed me for luck and told me to remember everything he had said. But once I was in the carriage I was sure I would forget it all, and I wished he was with me, because I was so nervous I thought I would be sick. Then I looked down at my white kid gloves--at last, an occasion to wear them!!--and my new gown of pale reseda green that Gideon had made me buy for the occasion and I thought: I am Sabine Conrad. They want to meet me! and I knew all would be well.
Then I truly began to enjoy myself. The carriage was so beautiful, the springs smooth as if they were liquid, the seats fine leather, and there was a good brazier so I was warm. How luxurious it all felt! I have determined that I will have one myself just like it someday.
The house was beautiful, with lights in every window, and there were fourteen of us there. The women were dressed elegantly, but they were all older than me, and I felt very young and pretty. I noticed how the men looked at me, the way Gideon sometimes does, as if he would like to eat me alive, and I felt not nervous at all, but something else entirely ... as if I were a queen, or ... not a queen, exactly, because it was quite obvious that Carolyn Astor was that, but ... perhaps a princess. I could tell they were nervous to meet me: to think it! Mr. Ogden Goelet, who is richer than Croesus, nervous to meet me! I confess it quite turned my head! They all wanted my favor. I am so glad I went!!
The dining room was lovely, and there were paintings hung throughout from golden cords. I was seated between Mr. Goelet and a Mr. Martin, who were both very, very attentive--one would think I had not the strength to cut my own duck or pour my own wine!!! There was a gold dinner service that seemed too fine to eat upon. Mrs. Astor was as courteous as could be and asked me how I liked New York as if I had not lived here all my life, but Gideon had told me not to mention Kleindeutsch land under any circumstances, and so I smiled and said that I found the city very exciting. Mrs. Astor wore five strands of perfectly matched pearls with a diamond clasp. She is not a handsome woman, but she is very commanding, and one can see why all of the city is in awe of her. Whenever she raised a subject, everyone fell over themselves to comment on it and then talked it through until it was quite dead and she looked bored beyond reason and then waited for her to raise another.
But she is a great lover of opera. She said she thought I would make a perfect Rosina or Pamina especially, and that perhaps it was time to bring Mozart back to the Academy. I didn't tell her I'd already sung those parts on tour. At the end of dinner, she called me a lovely girl and asked would I sing something for her guests, and so of course I obliged. One of the other ladies played the piano--not very well, so I had to cover up her mistakes with my own embellishments, but they enjoyed it tremendously. I sang "All Things Love Thee," and "Jeanie with the Light Brown Hair," and Amina's aria, "Come per me sereno," and they called me "beautiful" and "sublime."
In all, I think I was quite a success!!!
When I got back to the Farthingale, Gideon was waiting up to hear. Barret was off with Dorothea somewhere. Gideon came into my room and helped me unbutton the gown, and I began to tell him everything, but he was hardly attending to me. He seemed half asleep, and he smelled of whatever it is that seems to inhabit Barret's skin now. It was so disappointing I felt like crying. I snapped at him that I was sorry I was boring him, and perhaps he preferred to go back to bed, and at that he came back to himself. He grabbed my hand and said, "Only if you come with me," and pulled me into his lap so we sat together on the chair. He told me I'd done well and that Mrs. Astor's good opinion was my way to true success, and then he kissed me long and well, until I was nearly dizzy with it, and I hoped....
But no. We heard Barret stumbling about in the hall, and Gideon took his hand from my breast and said reluctantly that he must go back to his room, and he left, though he looked so longingly at me as he went that I was quite breathless!
MARCH 10, 1873--I was mentioned in the society page yesterday as having attended one of "Mrs. Astor's coveted weekly suppers." And also "the talented prima donna is the new toast of the Four Hundred." Gideon has said we can no longer stay at the Farthingale, that we must move uptown because now that I am of society I cannot be seen in such mean circumstances. He has got us rooms at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, which is fashionable and far too expensive for us, but Gideon says to make money one must look as if one has money, and that for my upward flight we cannot be seen as being fast or cheap, and the Fifth Avenue is very respected.
Barret says I should be saving my money instead of squandering it on rooms in some hoity-toity hotel, but Gideon gave him a look I did not understand and said that Barret was good enough at spending my money that he should not complain when I meant to make more of it, and Barret looked at me as if he expected me to agree with him, but I pretended not to see. Perhaps Barret is right, but to live in the Fifth Avenue Hotel! Gideon must know what he is doing, and I had no wish to challenge him, as it would only start another argument. They are not fighting as much as they used to, but I think it is only that they aren't doing so in
my presence, because they know it troubles me. And we still all pretend that Barret is the one managing me, though of course he has done hardly anything of the kind for months and months.
I received a card from Mr. Jerome asking me to go driving with him tomorrow afternoon. Gideon sent the messenger back with my acceptance.
* * *
N.B. Barret and I got a letter from Mama telling us that Willa is going to be married in June! I am so happy
* * *
!!!! Oh, not for Willa so much (forgive me please, God, for saying it), though I am happy for her, of course, but because now there is no more need for guilt. Willa is recovered from her hurt, and Gideon and I are one step closer to professing our love to the world! Of course, there is still Barret to consider, and Mama and Papa, but surely soon they will realize that Gideon is my one true love and we belong together!!!
Barret and I are "cordially" invited to attend Willa's wedding. I told Gideon I thought it was a sign of forgiveness, but he disagrees, saying only that Mama and Papa wish not to be the subject of gossip among our neighbors if their famous daughter and their oldest son do not attend Willa's wedding. Of course when Barret heard this it caused another terrible fight between him and Gideon, and Barret has stormed off again.
MARCH 11, 1873--This has been the most wonderful, wonderful day! I have had my heart's desire at last! I am--no, no, not so quickly. I must start at the beginning.
First: In the morning, Gideon moved us into our new rooms at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, which is the busiest and most elegant place--the only thing I've seen better is Mrs. Astor's dining room! I could not believe he meant for us to stay there, and I'm afraid I agreed with Barret that it must be too expensive. There is a lovely clock tower outside, and the hotel itself is made of white marble and is six stories tall, and there is an elevator!!!!--the first one in the city, Gideon told me. It was actually a bit frightening to ride in it, and I felt a little sick, but it is much better than carrying bags up flights of stairs.
The lower halls have several reading and sitting rooms, with spittoons placed about that are so highly polished and clean that they look like decorations. There is even a Ladies' Parlor on the second floor, which Gideon says I can go to alone if I wish.
We could not afford a suite, of course, but our rooms are perfect. Barret, of course, was very glum--when we came into my room he went to the window, which was bordered by heavy chintz drapes with velvet ones beneath, and asked Gideon quite sourly if it was really necessary to pay for two sets of curtains. Gideon asked what would Leonard Jerome think if he came to pick me up at the Farthingale, and Barret said it was better that Jerome did not come at all.
It all came to another argument, where Barret said he couldn't like me going driving with Leonard Jerome, who is married, and considered fast, and did Gideon intend that I become Jerome's whore?
That was when I told them both to be quiet, as I do not want to be evicted from the Fifth Avenue Hotel before I have spent a single night there.
Gideon had to leave then, and I knew by the way Barret paced the room that I was about to get another lecture, which was true. He asked me did I understand what people would think of me if I went driving with Leonard Jerome? I told him Gideon said that all prima donnas had patrons, and I did not see the harm, but he said I was too willing to trade my virtue for jewels and society. I told him my virtue was long gone, and he snorted and said that soon the whole world would know it too, and I cried and told him to leave because he was spoiling everything.
He said he would serve as my conscience, as no one else would, and there were better ways to have the fame I wanted--I did not have to choose this way. And then he begged me to do as he wished for once. "This isn't you, Bina. All these trappings, rich patrons ... You don't need any of it. Your voice is enough."
I didn't say anything, because Barret does not understand how this world works, and he no longer trusts Gideon, and what can I say to that except that I do? Barret did not leave until Mr. Jerome's man came to retrieve me at three o'clock promptly. Even then I was not certain he would let me go. And I determined not to think about my brother when I saw Mr. Jerome's smart barouche.
It was drawn by two pairs of sleek and well-matched horses. Truly beautiful animals, and Mr. Jerome admires them a great deal and cares for them excessively. On our way to Central Park he took me by his stables, which he is greatly proud of. I have never seen such a thing as that--it is paneled in black walnut and is carpeted!!! His horses live so finely that I could not help but think of all the people crushed into tenements in Kleindeutschland, and I thanked God I no longer must live there. I very much prefer the luxurious lives of Mr. Jerome and his set!
Central Park was so full of carriages--broughams and landaus and sulkies and other barouches--that it was difficult to move more than sedately, but that, I suppose, is the point. Mr. Jerome and I were the center of attention, and he kept me laughing and entertained throughout. At one point Mr. Belmont drove up beside us and told me that he was enraptured by the "sublimity" of my voice. He said how unusual he found it that Mr. Jerome had acquired such a stunning companion, and Mr. Jerome said that Mr. Belmont was not the only man in the city capable of charm. I laughed at both of them.
I admit I flirted quite outrageously with Mr. Belmont as well, which made Mr. Jerome strive to outdo himself with compliments. He is really a very handsome man, for someone so much older. He has a huge drooping mustache and sleepy eyes. He said he would like very much to see me on the stage of the private theater he had built onto his mansion some years ago (for Adelina Patti, I know, but he didn't tell me that). Should I need to practice new roles or anything else, he said he would place it entirely at my disposal.
It was an exhilarating afternoon, and I was quite full of my self when Mr. Jerome deposited me back at the hotel. I must admit that all this attention is inspiring
* * *
!I was only in my room a moment when Gideon knocked upon the door--Barret was gone somewhere, but Gideon had been waiting for me. I told him of the day and my flirtation with Belmont too and Jerome's offer of his theater, and Gideon got a look on his face I had never seen before and said, "Don't enjoy it too much, Sabine," and when I asked why shouldn't I, he said what a little hoyden I'd become, and pressed me to the wall and whispered that I was splendid, and that I would be a prima donna like no one had ever seen, but that I mustn't forget who I belonged to, and his words sent a shiver through me, and though I'd felt alive and beautiful driving in the park, I had not felt like this. I had never felt like this. And then Gideon was kissing me possessively and passionately, and I could not wait anymore! I pulled at his tie until it came undone and fell to the floor, and then I put my hands to his shirt and he pulled away and said we must go to dinner in the dining room, just the two of us, as my reward. But that wasn't what I wanted.
The day had made me brave. I looked into his eyes and then I--oh, I can't quite believe I did this even now!--I pressed my hand to his cock through his trousers and said I had in mind a different reward, and he was to be it.
I loved the look on his face! As if he had come too close to a fire meaning to be burned, and was both surprised and excited by the pain. I knew then that I would have him at last. He said, "Well then, I suppose I must oblige you," and turned me around to undo the buttons of my gown. He kissed the nape of my neck and whispered that we must keep this secret, that if Jerome found out it would all be over, that everything we'd worked for would be ruined, and I gasped that I would tell no one, and my gown came down around my shoulders and fell to my waist, and his hands came to my breasts and I was so impatient for him that I tore at the hooks of my corset in a fury to get it off. His breath was so warm against my throat. He said not Barret either, and I agreed. He touched my nipples and said, "Promise me," and I said yes yes, whatever he wanted. I didn't care. I would have given him anything. I would have done anything.
Then I was naked, and he was still fully dressed, and he pulled me to him and the feel of
his clothing against me was strangely exciting and I pressed like a wanton against him and I liked it. When he laid me on the bed and stood back to look at me I put my arms over my head and arched so he could see me better, and I thought how bad it was, but I liked that too.
He went to lock the door. Then he came back and undressed and didn't take his eyes from me as he did so. I had never seen him naked, and he was so beautiful I lifted my arms to him and demanded that he touch me. But he only smiled and shook his head as if he meant to make me wait, and pulled something from his trouser pocket and unfolded it--something very strange, like thin rubber or ... I didn't know what it was, but when I asked him he said "a precaution," and drew it over his cock and then--finally!!!--he came down beside me and I was in his arms and kissing him and he was between my thighs and inside me, and I wrapped my legs around his hips and drew him deeper, and I was no longer Sabine Conrad but whatever he wanted me to be, only pleasure made just for him, only sensation.
Have I ever loved anything this much?
Only singing. And Gideon is like my voice made flesh. How would I live without either one of them?
MARCH 26, 1873--I have now gone driving with Mr. Jerome three times, and I am in the society pages again. This from yesterday: "It seems all society can talk about recently is the entrancing sight of our favorite emerging diva driving in Central Park in the company of a well-known horseman. Can it be a new infatuation?"
