by Hayes, Piper
I look at the others. Come home. I was a jerk. Let’s talk this out. Text me, and the first message: Where are you? I came after you, but you were gone.
I read the messages over again, and I try to see this whole thing through Blake’s eyes. I wonder if he’s awake, too. I wonder whether he’s as worried as he sounded in that last message. He’s trying. I know he’s trying, and I know I’m not making things easy on him, but I don’t want to just make things easy on him. I want to have a real relationship, one based on mutual trust and respect.
I owe him a response. Even if I don’t want to talk, I need to let him know I’m okay.
I type, I’m fine, and turn the phone off again.
The phone buzzes again. I need to tell you something.
In the morning, I text back. Get some sleep. There are so many things I want to say to Blake, but I’m afraid if I do it now I’ll wake up the entire building. I’m angry, and hurt, and I don’t understand why he won’t just share his feelings with me. In one text, he shared more of his fears and emotions than he usually does in an entire week. And I don’t know how to feel about that. I turn my phone off and try to follow my own advice. I nod off for a while, but I keep dreaming about arguing with Blake. I dream that I scream at him and call him every horrible name I can think of, and then I storm out of his loft. Only, when I try to get back inside, the door is gone, and Blake is gone, and I’m stuck without him. I try to pummel the door with my hands, but it’s no use.
I wake up sweating. It’s hot in Ben’s apartment, and I’m sore, and slightly hungover, and thirst burns at my throat. I get up to get water from the kitchen. I pick my phone up off the floor on the way. The apartment is dim. It’s still before dawn, but the sky is starting to brighten outside the window. I’ve probably gotten a few hours of sleep at most. I get a glass of water and drink it in one gulp. I feel my thirst disappear, but I still feel terrible, and that burning sensation is still there in my throat. I know I need to call Blake. I need to make things right.
I open up the last message and type in Ben’s address. Ten seconds later, I get a reply from Blake. “I’ll be there in ten.”
I get my things together and fold up the blanket Ben had given me. I lay it on top of the pillow at the end of the couch. I feel bad leaving like this, but I don’t want to wake him, plus I think part of me doesn’t want him to know Blake is going to be outside his door. I really appreciate him giving me a place to stay, but I have to leave. I just hope he understands. I tiptoe out of the apartment, wincing at every creak in the floorboards until I’m finally in the hallway. I try to tell myself that I’m not doing anything wrong, but it doesn’t feel that way.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs, Blake is waiting at the door. His hair is a mess. His eyes are bloodshot, and he looks like hell, but as soon as he sees me, his face lights up. I open my mouth to apologize, but he cuts me off. “I’m so sorry,” he says.
“I shouldn’t have walked out,” I say.
“I should have followed you. The second you stepped by me, I should have followed. I should have begged you to forgive me, but I didn’t think you’d leave. I regretted it immediately, Cat. I was just trying to protect you, and instead I pushed you away.”
“Why don’t you think I can do this?”
“That’s not it at all,” he says. “You’re capable of anything, even if you don’t know it. I’ve just never felt this way about anyone before, and it scares the hell out of me. I’ve only just met you, and I’m terrified of losing you. For the past decade, I’ve been running from my past, and now I have something so much more important. I love you, Cat. I love you, and I’ve never been more afraid of anything in my life.”
I almost don’t believe my ears. “I love you too,” I whisper. It just comes out of me. I don’t even realize I’m saying it until the words have already passed my lips. I know it’s true, but I haven’t realized it until this moment. Of course I love him. I’d do anything for him. I’d turn my back on the world if it meant truly being with him, if it meant an end to the games and uncertainty.
Blake reaches out and pulls me against his body. His lips meet mine in a rush of warmth that feels like it could melt straight through me. I savor the rush as my tongue slides against his. He spins me around and pins me against the wall as he kisses me harder. Our tongues lock. I want him. The need washes over me like a wave. It’s overwhelming. I need him so badly it hurts.
Blake deepens the kiss and runs his hands over my hips. As he does, I turn slightly, and my arm hits the intercom button of at least four different units. The speaker behind me crackles with static loudly enough that I jump.
Blake grabs my hand and leads me outside, trying to hold back laughter as we race to his car. He’s double-parked on the street, and his car is still running. While that probably wasn’t the best idea, it makes for a fast getaway. Blake keeps looking over at me and smiling. “I love you,” he says. “God, it feels so good to say that.”
“I love you too,” I tell him, “but isn’t the loft in the other direction?”
“We’re not going back to the loft,” he tells me. “We’re going to Manhattan.” The engine roars as he speeds on the on-ramp of the bridge. “No more hiding,” he tells me.
I don’t need the city. I don’t need the fancy apartment or the money. I just need him. I wonder for a moment if we can just pull over and have each other in the car. “Next time, pick a car with an actual backseat,” I tell him.
When we get back to his apartment, I feel like we’re entering a different world, like we’re stepping back in time to the first time we met. We can barely keep our hands off of each other in the elevator, and we go back and forth, tearing each other’s clothes off. I need him so badly I feel almost panicked. I kiss his neck and his lips, and I run my fingers against his stubble.
His apartment is dark, lit only by the half-light of early morning outside the windows. Blake runs his hands down my back and settles them on my hips. He kisses me like he’s trying to steal my breath away. I undo his pants and rub my hand against his manhood. I can feel how excited he is. I’m just as excited, and I know it’s so much more than just lust.
Blake wraps his arms around my bare hips as he leans back against the metal between the plate glass windows. Dawn is breaking over the city. I press my hand against the cool glass. It makes Blake’s body feel that much warmer against me. My knees dig into the hard floor as Blake pulls my last piece of clothing off. I rub against him as he kisses me, “I want everyone to know what we have,” he says.
“Like this?” I ask.
“You know what I mean,” he says. He kisses my neck, runs his hands over my thighs, grabs my ass and rocks me against him.
“I want you to have everything you want,” he says.
“All I want is you,” I tell him. He slides his hand between my legs and starts to rub. I let a little moan pass my lips as a wave of delight rises through me. I know what he wants. He wants to drive me wild, to give me every last bit of delight I can stand, but I don’t want games or foreplay, I just want him.
“I need you now,” I tell him. He reaches down and positions himself against me. I kiss him hard on the lips as he starts his first thrust. He enters me slowly. I dig my fingers into his back and kiss his neck. I can see the city below, so far below, I feel dizzy. Or maybe that’s just from how good I feel.
“Bedroom,” I tell him. He gives another thrust before picking me up. He carries me across the living room like I weigh nothing. When we reach the bedroom, he tosses me onto the white sheets and climbs in next to me. He locks his eyes on top of mine and kisses me as he gets on top. He enters me again, and I moan in pure bliss. I rock my hips against him and breathe. I grab onto him and pull him tighter against myself.
I think for a moment about our first time together, how great the difference was between us, how Blake seemed intent on possessing me. Back then I felt like he was imposing his will on me, showing me what to do each step of the way. Now, as we press
ourselves against each other, things are different. They’re better. He’s still firm and sure, but I don’t feel like I’m under his control. I feel like we belong to each other in equal parts, that we’re becoming something more than either of us could be with anyone else. We’re entwined, connected. We are one.
And we move as one, rocking faster and faster, until I can barely control myself. Our mouths lock, our bodies tangle, and I can hear our breaths race in and out in perfect rhythm. I close my eyes and bite Blake’s lip as we draw closer to climax. He pushes harder against me, until we cry out at the same time. I can feel him throb inside me as I come. My heart is racing, and I feel breathless and complete.
We lie there for a long while until he shifts his weight off of me and slides behind me in the bed. He traces his finger up and down my side before he brushes my hair back and kisses my neck. “I meant what I said earlier,” he says. “I want to give you everything you want in life. I want you to know that I mean that. I want to be the man you deserve. I don’t know if I can, but I’m going to give it everything I am.”
“I only want one thing,” I tell him.
“Oh yeah?” he asks.
“Hold me, and don’t let go,” I tell him. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck again. Everything else in our lives is so complex, but this, the feeling I feel when he holds me in his arms, it’s simple and pure. I can’t help but smile. I close my eyes and focus on the warmth between us. Blake kisses my neck again and nuzzles his nose against me. I can’t see him, but I know he’s smiling, too.
CHAPTER 13
CATHERINE
“I need to tell you something,” Blake says. It’s close to noon, and we’ve been lying in his bed all morning. I run my hands against the soft sheets. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t good to be back in the lap of luxury, but the only thing that really matters is that I’m with Blake.
“I wanted to tell you earlier, but I couldn’t help myself. We kissed and I couldn’t think about anything but how much I want to be with you. I owe you an explanation,” he says. “I avoided telling you this because I didn’t want to get you in trouble too, but you deserve to know the truth. What Ben is saying about me is true. I broke the law. I found out what was happening at Carlisle Capital and I used the whole thing to cover up my own plan. The man who hurt my sister, Jacob, he hired investigators to look for us. One of them found us, and I guess he took pity because he came to me and told me what was happening.
“I had been working at your father’s company for a few months at that point, and I had already started my rise. He told me that it wasn’t the first case he had worked for Jacob, and that the last person had disappeared shortly after. I guess he had a crisis of conscience, because he offered to pretend he hadn’t found us in New York. He offered to lead a false trail to California for a price.
“What does this have to do with coming clean?” I ask.
“I’m getting there,” Blake says. “After he left, I realized I might not get so lucky a second time, and I decided to start digging into Jacob. If I ever wanted Alex and myself to be safe, I’d have to do something about it. I thought about the options. I considered everything, but while I was figuring it out, I stumbled across M-CORE. I had found my answer. Carlisle Capital was already manipulating stocks and faking trades. I figured I could do the same thing to Jacob, except I wasn’t going to simply make money, I was going to drive him into bankruptcy. I was going to take away his ability to ever come after us again. I told myself that when it was done, I’d walk away.”
“Why not walk away, then? You’re rich beyond belief. He can’t hurt you now. No one can hurt you.”
“It’s not that simple. When I started trying to tease apart his finances, it was a nightmare. It was a financial rat’s nest, shell company after shell company. He had an ocean of assets flowing across companies based in unfriendly tax havens. I’ve tried to step away, but it isn’t easy.”
I think of the files he had back at the loft. This must be what he’s talking about. The files are Jacob’s companies. Blake has been compiling evidence about him, tracking his every move. Is he holding the records as leverage, or does he intend to use them in some way? “It will never be over,” I tell him. “Even if you win, it will never be over. Don’t you see that? Even if you get away with all of it, it will still be there, hanging over you, hanging over us.”
“I love you,” he tells me, “I’m going to fix this. We can get through this.”
“I can’t,” I tell him. I’m not going to let him lie to himself or to me. He believes what he’s saying, but I know it isn’t true. He’s never going to be free of what happened.
“Why hide?” I ask him. “You’re not some scared kid. You’re an adult. You’ve taken care of yourself. You’ve taken care of your sister. You’re successful. You have a company. You have me. You have to turn the page. I can’t stand by and watch you torture yourself over the past. Either you have to move on or I do.”
“Cat, it’s almost done,” he says.
“How long has it been almost done for?” I ask. “What happens once you’ve ruined him? What happens to you? Do you really think that will be enough? Will you really just decide you’re done and go back to living a normal life?”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I would tell you to choose me, but that’s not what I want. I want you to choose yourself. Which Blake are you going to be? Are you going to be the guy I’ve fallen in love with? Or are you going to be the guy who can’t even trust the people he loves?”
“You’re right,” he says. He sits on the edge of the bed and runs his hands through his hair. “I need to end this. I love you more than anything, but I have to do this next part alone. You can’t be involved in this.”
“You can’t say that. You don’t get to say that,” I tell him. “If you’re serious about loving me, you’ll trust me enough to let me know what you’re doing.”
“I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. I love you.”
“Prove it,” I tell him. “Make me believe you. If you’re so hell-bent on keeping me in the dark, at least give me a reason why.”
“Did you have a moment when you realized you loved me?” Blake asks. The question catches me off guard. “Because I can tell you the exact moment I fell in love with you. We were at my sister’s bar, and it was half-dark, and you had let your guard down with me for the first time. If I close my eyes, I can picture exactly how you looked. The look in your eyes told me everything I needed to know about you. I saw how much you wanted something more than this superficial life. I tried to convince myself that maybe I could give it to you, but I realized that I could never do that without telling you the truth, and I was afraid I might lose you. Instead you stood by me, and I saw how much more there is to you. I want to be the man you deserve. In order to do that, I have to come clean.”
“With me?” I ask. He gets up, walks to his wardrobe and starts pulling on clothes. I get up and follow after him. “What does that mean?” I ask. “Is there more you haven’t told me?”
“Do you know how to drive stick?” Blake asks.
“Not really, why?” I ask.
“I need you to drive yourself back here.”
“From where?” I ask. Blake’s phone is buzzing somewhere. I turn around to figure out where it is. It must still be in the pile of clothes we left at the elevator door.
“Brooklyn,” he says. “I need you to trust me on this one. You asked me to trust you. It works both ways. I need you to trust me. I will end this once and for all, but you can’t get in the middle of it. I know I said we were done with the loft, but I need to show you something there. It’s important.”
“What’s going on?” I ask him. “Will you just tell me what you’re planning?”
“Something I should have done a long time ago,” he says. He walks over, wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. He kisses me on the lips, letting the kiss linger like a prayer. “Cat,” he says, “I
’m turning myself in.”
I don’t know what to say. My mind is blank. “What?” I stammer. I know exactly what he said. I just can’t believe it.
“If I promise to go to Ben, will you promise to trust me? I can’t explain everything right now because it would put you at risk. You can’t know the details of this. Once you do, you’re at risk, and I can’t let that happen. It’s killing me not to share everything with you, and I promise I will as soon as I can, but right now I need to keep you as far from this as possible. Do you trust me?” he asks.
“Yes,” I tell him. “But I want to go with you. I don’t have to know the details, but I want to be by your side. Will you let me do that?” If my presence can help at all, I want to be there.
He wraps his hands around mine and holds them at my hips. “I don’t think I could keep you away if I tried,” he says. He leans in and kisses me again. His kiss is slow and sweet, and the taste of him lingers on my lips even after he pulls back. He smiles at me. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” he asks. He squeezes my hands.
“I’m ready for anything,” I tell him. “Let’s go do this together.”
“Good,” he says, “There’s something I need to show you first.”
Thank you for reading His to Hold, Part 2 of the His to Have series. Part 3, His to Keep is coming out later this month.
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Thanks again!
-Piper
