Fight or Fall

by Anne Leigh

  He took a deep breath, the silence stretching between us, tears were now falling from my face. He turned me around and wiped them with his hands. “She’s all I have you know? From my family. She’s all I have. My dad’s half-Italian, but unlike other Italian families, my nonna and nonno only had one child. And in my mom’s side we had Aunt Margie, but even she was taken from us by a fucking drunk driver.” His fists clenched at his sides and I tried soothing him with my hands across his navy blue shirt-covered chest.

  Looking up, I saw the warring emotions in his face, his eyes molten with sadness and underlying anger, his jaw set in stone. “I will never justify that what I did was right. Kieran didn’t deserve it. At that time, I was operating only on stupidity and irrational jealousy. Dia...months before the World Championships, slept with Kieran and she’d said that he’d seduced her. I don’t even know why I believed her. Maybe it was because I was trying to find a reason to be mad at Kieran. He was my biggest rival at the pool so it stung when Dia slept with him. And later...I find out that he’s with my sister, that she’s been hiding her relationship with him from me. Me of all people. I’ve seen her through her worst and she was hiding from me – that was the nail that broke my back. I just couldn’t stand seeing Kieran have everything I have, you know? It was the main reason why I framed him.” Even Brynn, his sister, had never gotten an explanation from Milo. Now here he was, spilling everything to me. I saw the trust emanating from his forest green stare. I felt the magnitude of his revelation. He was letting me peek into what drove him to do what he did when no one else could.

  “Milo, whatever you did,” I started, my voice filled with the intensity of my feelings for him. I will always love you, Milo. Whatever happens, you will always have the biggest part of me. “It’s all in the past. You’ve paid the piper, now it’s time to make peace. Brynn’s just waiting for you. She has been for a long time. I’ve no doubt she’s already forgiven you a dozen times and back. I think…it’s time you forgive yourself.”

  He took a long swallow, cupping my chin, he said softly, “I never got the chance to thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For being there for Bee when she needed a friend. For pulling that Lisa girl’s hair in first grade when she teased my sister about her freckles. For always standing by her.” His voice dropped an octave. “Thank you, Ava, for all the years you’ve been there for my family.”

  I tipped my head up, uncaring if there were people milling about, and pressed my lips against his mouth. Standing in the Grand Canyon Skywalk, with one of the seven natural wonders of the world around us amid the age-old century rock formations and the soft howls of the wind against the plateaued magnificence as my witness, I kissed him with all the love I’ve bottled up for him since we were kids.

  The lights above the pool were blinding. There were only about three people in the area, but I was feeling closed in. The itch to take my shoes off was there. The need to go for a lap or two or a hundred was there. Everything looked so familiar yet strange at the same time.

  “One more lap Kieran. That’s it!” His coach, Mike Smith, instructed. It looked like Kieran wanted to swim more laps. I knew that feeling – that burning craving to go for more when you’re compensating for a bad lap. It was either do it now or punish yourself the next morning. Mike blew the whistle, but Kieran ignored him, covering an additional 50 meters, ending with a backstroke.

  Throughout the years I’ve competed in the swimming circuit, I’ve watched some of his races on film to improve myself as a competitor. He was the standard my coaches compared me against. It couldn’t be helped. He was America’s golden boy, a swimming prodigy at the age of ten. But I gave him a run for his medals and his winnings.

  Kieran jumped out of the water, talked to his coach for a few minutes, then walked to the locker room. I hadn’t spoken to him since Shanghai. I’ve seen some of his interviews, but only because they were on TV when I was channel-surfing. So far, he hasn’t made any comments to the public about me.

  There weren’t a lot of people in the Arizona Aquatics Center. On a normal day, the most would be around twenty people watching the swimmers then asking for autographs after. I’m used to it. I was used to it. I tried to accommodate everyone’s request and signed after finishing up my last lap. Unless I’ve had a bad swim, then I’d wait until I cooled down before talking to the fans.

  “Kieran,” I said in a voice loud enough for him to hear as I jogged my way down the metal bleachers.

  He was carrying a red duffel bag with his sponsor’s, Swimfit, logo emblazoned across the front and the sides of the bag.

  His brown eyes widened in surprise. “Milo.” I would be the last person he would expect to see. I’d be the last person I would expect to see either.

  He grinned and reached out to hug me.

  What the hell?

  “It’s good to see you man.” Tapping my left shoulder, he reiterated, “So good to see you. Brynn misses you a lot.”

  If I was him, I’d beat the shit out of me. Not only did I frame him for drugs, he now had to probably go through additional random drug screenings because of what I did. To say I was shocked at his reaction was like saying I was the poster child for meditation.

  “Yeah…you too.” My mind still reeling from what just happened. Kieran and I, before what happened with Dia, we weren’t friends. We weren’t enemies either. After Dia, I made his life hell, egged him on every time we were in the locker room and he usually just ignored everything I said to him until one day, he pushed back and we got into a huge fight.

  Bee was right. Kieran just kept to himself. He was cordial, polite, not an overtly in-your-face swimmer like me.

  “I just wanna say I’m sorry again,” I expressed my regret, plain and simple. “You didn’t deserve the shit I put you through.”

  We were now walking towards the back of the parking lot where athletes-in-training usually parked. I didn’t even think twice about parking. I parked there out of habit.

  Giving me a sidelong glance, he said, “I love your sister. She’s very important to me. I’d do everything to make her happy. There were so many times when I wanted to tell you about me and her, but it just didn’t work out that way. I’m sorry for that.” He stopped walking, there wasn’t anything I could do but listen. “What you did…it wasn’t cool. It took away my belief in the people who conducted drug testing in the sport I love because I’ve never done drugs. You lowballed me and as a competitor, you know it wasn’t fair.”

  I nodded my head, letting my hands hang from the front pockets of my jeans. Shame, guilt, regret – they were all there, burning a hole in my mind, unpinning a bomb inside my heart, drilling a pit inside my guts.

  He looked at me again, his eyes flickering. “Just for the record – Dia, I didn’t know she was with you. If I did, she and I wouldn’t have happened.”

  I shook my head in the affirmative. Sometimes the truth sets you free at the last minute, when it’s too late for you to take back what you’ve done. There was no doubt that Dia orchestrated the bad blood between Kieran and me, and I was just too foolish to not have seen it.

  “I’ve forgiven you a long time ago,” he reflected, his hands grabbing the keys from his pocket. “Are you going to see Brynn today?”

  “I’m hoping to,” I stated, doubt filling my countenance. “If she’d like to see me.”

  “How can she not? You’re the other half of Brynn, the brother she lived for.”

  Kieran was a good man. The best man for my sister. If our dad was around, he would agree with me, that I could leave my sister in Kieran’s hands and I’d be at peace knowing that she would be taken care of and loved the way she deserved to be.

  In a person’s life, there are moments that define you. Define who and what you’re going to be. How you’re going to tackle a situation, plan your next move, to retreat or to forge ahead.

  When our parents died from the boating accident, I was barely ten. I was playing Frisbee with my classma
te and one of my friends, Nate, on the grass area on the side of our school while watching Bee and Ava hunched close to each other, giggling and drawing some things on paper.

  As soon as I saw Aunt Margie’s face, my mom’s sister, I knew something terrible had happened. Our parents were supposed to come back that day from a business trip and they were picking us up from school. Aunt Margie had simply hugged me and said, “They’re gone sweetheart.” I didn’t even ask who or what, I just knew.

  My first instinct has always been and will always be for the welfare of my sister. Aunt Margie had wanted to tell Bee right away, but I had asked her not to. After Bee had said goodbye to Ava, whose mom was picking her up, and Nate who had already known because he was standing close to me, I’d ridden in the backseat with Bee. The ten minute drive to our house felt like forever. When Bee asked, “Where’s Mom and Dad? Are they late?” I took my seatbelt off and told her that something bad had happened to them and they weren’t coming back. She screamed and cried her eyes out. But I didn’t cry. I couldn’t. I wanted to. I wanted to punch the door hinges of the car. I wanted to yell, scream, tear everything in my sight, but I couldn’t. I had to be strong for her. The three of us stayed in the car for God knows how long. Aunt Margie explained that the boat that my parents were in had crashed into a larger vessel and caught fire. Our parents worked alongside each other. They were on a 3-day business trip to Florida with their clients. Ten people died in that freak accident. Two of them were my family. That day I would remember forever. It would forever be emblazoned in my being.

  It was the day I became a man.

  When my sister was ten years old, she was almost taken by Children’s Services from our Aunt Margie and me because she had these weird bruises that kept showing up and we had to keep taking her to the ER. Months later she was diagnosed with osteosarcoma. During the months between her trips to the ER, diagnosis, and chemo, I’d forgotten what it was like to be happy. When you feel that your whole world is being taken from you again, how do you even find a reason to fucking smile? I’d never wish that pain, that fear, that uncertainty of not seeing your loved one again to anyone. Every night I visited her in the hospital, I’d hope to see her the next day. I was too young to stay in the hospital and I had school, but Aunt Margie knew I couldn’t go to sleep if I didn’t know Bee was okay so she took me to see her or call her before I went to bed. During the intense chemo, most of her blonde hair had fallen out, but I promised her it would only take a few months to grow back. I even shaved my own head to make her believe it. Her blue eyes would tear up because she felt pain all over her tiny body and I would hold her hands and promised her she would get better. I’d tell her stories about me winning my swim meets and her blue eyes would light up so I made sure I won every competition.

  Before I went to sign to swim for UConn, I made sure that Bee would be okay if I was out-of-state for college. I almost turned it down, but she had convinced me that it offered me the best scholarship and that she’d be okay since Ava and Aunt Margie were around. But even then, we talked every day. No matter how late it was, I made sure she was okay before I went to sleep. I think it might have bugged Dia on some level that I called my sister on a regular basis more than I checked in with her. Bee would often joke that she wasn’t eight or ten or sixteen anymore. But to me, it didn’t matter how old she got, she would always be my little sister, my blood, the living proof that my parents left me with a piece of them.

  She had never lied to me. At least I think she never did. Until Kieran Stone.

  Anyone can judge me. Either I would smash their fucking jaw or I would just not fucking care.

  After I framed Kieran, Bee had judged me, and I felt like the smallest, dirtiest scum of the earth. I had nothing to say to her except I’m sorry and even then, she couldn’t look at me to accept it. It was then I knew that she loved him – more than anything, more than me.

  Now, sitting across from Kieran in this restaurant that Ava had picked, I knew without a doubt that my sister’s love for him wasn’t unreturned. He talked about how they’ve been traveling all over the country, even across the globe to attend charity events. His eyes and demeanor let me know, let me see, what I refused to see before – he was the right guy for her. If I were to disappear right now, I’d have no doubt he would take care of her – the way I’ve protected her my whole life. He’s even managed to teach Bee how to swim. I’ve tried but Bee was a stubborn student and by the time she was actually interested in swimming, she was hospitalized for a year. One minute he was telling me how Bee had enjoyed swimming with the penguins at Boulders Beach in Cape Town and paddle surfing in Cape Cod and the next minute, he was silent.

  I turned around and followed his line of vision and standing a few feet behind me was Bee.

  She was in a white blouse and blue slacks, and her blonde hair had grown longer – she looked the same but different at the same time. She has really grown into a woman our parents would undoubtedly be proud of. Her blue eyes, the ones she’d inherited from our mom, were filled with tears and her mouth was quivering, like she was trying to say something but couldn’t say the words. I stood up, closed the small distance and hugged her. Unlike what happened after the World Championships, this time she returned my hug.

  “I missed you.” Three simple words.

  I was forgiven.

  I loosened her from our hug and she smiled at me. The way she used to. Like I could hang the stars in the sky. Like I could make her dreams come true. Like I could answer all her prayers.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, choking on my words. “I’m sorry for hurting you. For shaming our family name.”

  Her eyes glistened with tears, and she swiped a fingertip on her face. “I know. I know you are…” Her face curved into a smile. “I’m just glad you’re back.”

  “Me too.”

  And just like that, no other words were needed. I knew she accepted my apologies wholeheartedly.

  She hugged me one more time and then proceeded to sit down by Kieran. He kissed her on her cheek and she took a long look at him, a wide smile forming on her face. She was happy, very happy.

  Sixteen years ago, on a seemingly ordinary summer day, I became a man. I was her only brother, one of her closest friends, and I also became a father figure to her. I ensured that she had the best of the best. New shoes, new supplies, Kitchen Aid mixer, her Christmas wish list filled out and granted before my own. It was what my dad would have wanted. It was what my mom would have dreamt of. And it was what I’ve always done. Protect her, love her, and keep the tears away.

  There comes a time in a person’s life when the scale is tipped and you know when it’s time to turn in the reins, I extended my right hand to Kieran and said, “Take good care of her.”

  He took my offered hand, and I added, “Or I will rip your fucking balls off.”

  He merely raised a brow and laughingly, he replied, “Damn, I miss racing against you in the pool.”

  Ava’s voice interrupted our mini-reunion, “I’m so sorry, I had to go to the bathroom. Ohmigosh, I missed everything, didn’t I?”

  Dinner was going great. Bee ordered her favorite shrimp primavera, Kieran and I both had steak, and Ava had crab linguini alfredo. The bottle of Merlot was halfway gone. We were actually having a great time. I really should have given Kieran a chance to explain instead of just taking Dia’s side. But whatever happened, happened.

  Kieran asked, “When’s FINA lifting the ban?”

  I answered, “I’m out for another year. Two years total.” I had received FINA’s official letter two weeks ago, and Ava had there when I opened it.

  The ladies were quiet. Ava took a sip of her wine and Bee ate more of her dish. Kieran reached around Bee’s shoulders comforting her. Bee knew how much I loved swimming.

  “It’s okay. I think it’s a fair judgment. It would have been worse if you pressed charges,” I said, signaling my head at Kieran.

  He shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, well, it would be nice to
have you back.”

  “Yep.” It would be nice, but I did the crime and I have to pay the time.

  Kieran leaned over Bee who looked like she had lost her appetite and whispered something to her left ear. Bee let out a tiny giggle and proceeded to eat the rest of her food.

  The server came by to ask if we wanted desserts, and both Kieran and I deferred to the ladies.