by J. E. Parker
It wasn’t all I needed to know. “No!” I shouted. “I deserve more than that.”
The question I wanted to ask burned the tip of my tongue.
Ask him!
I straightened my spine. “Did he die quickly?” The thought of Ryker lying there, suffering… it was too much to bear. Maybe if his death had been quick, it would make it easier to cope. “Tell me.”
He hesitated. “Yes.”
I didn’t believe him. Not for one second. “Tell me the truth, Evan. For once,” I screamed, “tell me the truth!”
It was Evan’s turn to snap.
He interlaced his fingers behind his head and screamed, “He was shot in the neck!” My body jerked at his words. “The bullet hit an artery, and he bled to death within minutes.”
Oh God, Ry…
“And by telling you that, I broke another promise.” Evan’s voice was cold, callous.
“Another promise?” I whispered. “What are you talking about?”
His gaze dipped to the floor for a few heartbeats. When he looked back up, his expression was softer yet lined with pain. “I promised him I’d take care of you and yet I just put an image in your head you’ll never be able to unsee.” He took a step toward the door. “Doesn’t matter how hard I try, I always fuck up with you.” He clenched his jaw tight and stared into the hall. “All I do is hurt you.”
“Then stop hurting me!”
His biceps flexed as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t know how.”
Without thinking, I turned away from him and said, “Then maybe I should just leave.”
I didn’t see his reaction to my words, but it was hard to miss the icy energy rolling off of him in waves. “You should,” he replied, his voice whisper quiet. “But I won’t let you." I looked over my shoulder and stared at his broad back. “You’re the only good thing in my life, Hope, and right or wrong, I’ll never let you go.”
“You can’t keep me here,” I snapped back. “I’m not a pet."
Why I was saying these things, I didn’t have a clue. I had no intention of leaving him—do I?—but I was reaching my breaking point. I wasn’t joking or being dramatic when I said I couldn’t take much more.
Evan turned to face me. “No, baby, you’re not.” He licked his lower lip and continued to stare at me. “But three years ago I promised you forever.” He paused. “And that’s one promise I intend to keep.”
It was the last thing he said before walking out of the room.
Sixteen
Evan
I stormed down the back stairs of the shelter.
Heart in my throat, I burst through the back door and stumbled into the gravel parking lot. I felt like I was choking as I bent at the waist and placed my hands on my knees. Too busy gasping for breath to focus on anything around me, I didn’t see Carissa rounding the corner carrying a bag of trash in each hand.
“Evan,” she asked, her voice full of concern. “You okay?”
I held my hand up in the air. “Fine, C.”
She took a step closer. “You sure? I can go get Hope if you—”
I laughed. “No.” Standing straight, I looked over at her. “Trust me, sweetheart, that wouldn’t be a good idea right now.”
Her brows furrowed for a moment before realization crossed her face. “Oh.”
Yeah, oh.
Needing to be alone, I pointed at the bags she was carrying. “Just drop those, I’ll toss them in the dumpster.”
She nodded once before setting the bags on the ground and hustling back inside.
At least she listens.
Mind racing, I pulled my cell phone out of my back pocket and dialed one of the few numbers I had memorized. It rang three times before the son of a bitch answered. “Crusher,” Johnny’s voice sounded amused. “What do I owe this unexpected yet welcome call?"
I ground my back teeth together. “I need a fight.”
“Hmm,” he hummed. “You know the rules. I call you when I need you. Not the other way around.”
My hands twitched with the need to strangle him. “Get me a fight, Johnny.”
A woman giggled in the background. “When?”
I glanced up at Hope’s bedroom window. It was dark, but there was no way she was asleep. I doubted she’d get over ten minutes of shut-eye.
And it’s all because of me. As usual.
“Now,” I barked into the phone.
Johnny chuckled. “No can do. The only fight on the books tonight is already in progress.” Damn it! “I can work you in tomorrow—"
I hung up.
Tomorrow would be too late; I needed relief tonight.
Calm down. Get your shit together.
Gripping my phone so hard I’m surprised it didn’t break, I dialed a second number.
“Come on,” I mumbled as the phone rang. “Pick it up.”
Four rings later, Shelby answered. “Do you have any idea what time is it?” She said in a humorous tone. “You better be dead or dying because if not you’re about to be.”
“Blondie,” I said, my voice filled with pain. “I need your help.”
“What’s wrong?” Her voice morphed, taking on a serious tone. “Evan, talk to me.”
Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me.
Didn’t people understand that talking wasn’t easy for me?
I swallowed around the knot in my throat. “Hope’s about to leave.” Silence. “My girl… she’s about to walk, Shel, and I can’t—” I stopped speaking as a streak of pain shot through my chest. Even though I knew it wasn’t the case, it felt like I was having a heart attack.
Probably what’s left of my heart breaking.
I rubbed my hand over my chest, squatted down, and placed my elbows on my knees. “I need you to tell me what to do.” My demeanor shifted from panicked to determined. “I can’t—won’t—let her go. If she turns her back on me, I won’t survive it. I’ve already lost too much.” I fisted my hand and clenched my jaw tight. “I won’t lose her too.”
Shelby didn’t speak for a few moments, but when she did, I wanted to shove my hand through the nearest wall. “You sure you want to keep Hope?”
What kind of stupid question is that?
“You know the answer to that,” I said through gritted teeth. “Don’t fuck with me, Blondie , I’m in no mood for mind games.”
I was being a dick.
I knew it, Shelby knew it.
My behavior didn’t faze her at all though.
“If you want to keep Hope then you need to get your shit together.” I opened my mouth to speak, but she kept talking, cutting me off. “Start by setting up an appointment for you to talk to somebody.”
“Counseling? No damn—”
“Cut the shit, Evan!” She shouted. My mouth snapped shut as I waited for the ass chewing that was imminent . “I don’t want to hear your crap right now. You called me asking for advice. Well, here it is: Get. Your. Shit. Together.” Her heavy breathing sounded through the phone. “I love Hope just as much as you do.”
A streak of fiery jealousy tore through my gut at her words.
Nobody loves Hope as much as me.
Nobody except her mom.
“And I’ll be danged if I stand back and let you keep doing this to her. You say you won’t let her go? Well, headcase, if you don’t get it together then not only will I help Hope pack her stuff, but I’ll make sure you never make it within a hundred feet of her again.”
Three words… What. The. Fuck?
My jaw clenched. “You’d help her leave me?”
Shelby didn’t hesitate. “In a New York minute.”
As pissed as it made me, Shelby was telling the truth. If it came down to choosing sides, she’d pick Hope in a heartbeat. Not that I blamed her. Where Hope was everything beautiful and good, I was the opposite.
I was nothing but ugliness and anger.
Picking up a handful of dirt, I tossed it into the night air and watched it scatter with the breeze. “Did it help?
” I asked, my mind in tatters.
“Did what help?”
I flexed my jaw. “The therapy, counseling, whatever you want to call it.”
“That’s hard to answer,” she replied. “I mean, yeah it helped, but Anthony had already done so much by the time I started. If it hadn’t been for him, I don’t think anything would’ve pulled me out of the hell I was in.” She fell silent for a moment. Then, “He saved me, Evan. Without him… I don’t even want to think about it. He’s my glue, the substance that holds everything together. ”
My chest was tight. “Hope is my glue too.”
Shelby sighed. “And you’re hers.”
Hands twitching, the phone jerked against my ear. “Do you think she can save me?” I asked, even though I wasn’t sure I was ready for the answer. “The same way that Anthony did you?” A humorless chuckle spilled from my lips. “I’m pretty fucked up, Blondie .”
She didn’t hesitate in answering. “I do.”
Lucca laughed in the background, making my chest ache.
I wanted that.
A home. A wife. A son. A family.
“You have to let her in, Evan,” Shelby continued, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Despite what Grandmama said to her today, Hope isn’t—”
My heart rate sped up. “Wait,” I snapped. “What did the old lady say to Hope?”
“Hope didn’t tell you?”
I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me. “No.”
“Shit,” Shelby hissed before blowing out a breath. “Don’t repeat this Evan because it’ll just get her upset all over again.” I bit my tongue, waiting for her to continue. “You know I love Grandmama to death, but she cut Hope deep this morning.”
“What the fuck did the crazy old woman say?” My temper flared.
Shelby hesitated. Then, “Uh, well, she basically called her a doormat and said she was tired of seeing you walk over her.”
Son of a bitch!
“She didn’t mean it how it sounded. She was trying to give Hope the kick in the ass she needed to stand up to you and demand more.” Shelby huffed out another breath. “She did the same crap with Anthony and me. Hell, she talked Tony into accusing me of being weak and afraid which resulted in me throwing a flower pot at his head. I could have killed him!”
As mad as I was, I couldn’t help but smile.
Grandmama and her damn games.
“It was a set up! She was confident those words would make me stand up and fight.” And they did. “Now she’s doing the same dang thing to you and Hope.”
I stood up. Dusting my dirt-covered hand off on my pants, I looked back up at the apartment window. My eyes crashed into Hope’s. She wore no smile, but she was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on.
“Blondie, I’ve got to go. But thanks”—I paused—“for everything.”
“Don’t thank me. Just fix yourself and by extension, Hope.”
“I’m going to try.” I licked my dry lower lip. “There isn’t a single thing I won’t do to keep her.”
I meant every word.
Seventeen
Hope
During the days and nights following my fight with Evan, I walked around in a haze. I still showed up to work, a fake smile plastered on my face, and did my part to help as many people as I could; though my heart wasn’t in it.
And that wasn’t normally the case with me.
Since I’d become a social worker, I’d always thrown my heart and soul into my work, striving to follow in my Mama’s footsteps and be the saving grace that so many people needed, but over the previous few days, I was failing miserably. And it was all because I couldn’t stop thinking of Evan and the problems that hung between us.
We were both so broken.
I wasn’t sure either of us could ever be fixed.
The words he’d spoken days earlier while staring at me with tortured eyes continued to haunt me. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Every time I took a bite of food, it turned to dust in my mouth, and when I closed my eyes at night, all I saw was Ryker, shot in the neck, lying in a pool of his own blood as he fought to take his last breath.
The image brought a whole new meaning to the phrase, hell on earth.
It was no wonder Evan came back so differently. My tortured soul ached so badly that it made it hard to breathe, and yet, I couldn’t imagine how he felt. To have seen Ryker die, to have experienced his death first hand. It was a miracle my big guy was functioning at all because the brokenness that I felt? He had to feel it ten times worse.
My heart broke for him, for Ryker, for us.
And it was because of my twisted feelings that I’d kept my distance over the previous days. In fact, I hadn’t spoken a single word to Evan since our fight. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’d been avoiding him like the plague. It killed me to do so, but after everything that happened the last time we were face-to-face, my heart couldn’t handle much more. It wasn’t fair to either of us, but the pain that the sight of him inflicted was too much to bear. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I already I felt like I was a hairbreadth away from reaching my breaking point.
Thankfully, Maddie recognized what I was going through, the internal battle that I was busy fighting, and she’d stepped up to help me. Right or wrong, she’d begun scheduling Evan and me to work different shifts. Because of that, I never saw him on the main floor of the Shelter or upstairs in our apartment.
But pain or no, I’d reached my limit.
I couldn’t stay away from him any longer.
I need to see him. If only for a second.
Stepping out of the office where I’d been hiding for the last hour of my shift doing paperwork and moved down the hall toward the security room. When I rounded the last corner, I almost ran straight into a flustered looking Shelby.
I jumped out of the way just in time to avoid a collision.
“Good grief, Blondie,” I said as my heart pounded against my rib cage. “You almost killed me.” I expected her to come back with something smart to say, but she didn’t. It was so unlike her, I knew something was wrong. “Shelby.” I wrapped my fingers around her upper bicep. “What’s the matter?”
Tears filled her eyes. “I started my stupid frickin’ period.”
For a moment, I was confused.
But then it hit me.
She’s not pregnant.
“We’ve been trying for months,” she said, her voice shaky. Her eyes were filled with so much pain. It tore me up inside to see her hurting. “Why isn’t is happening? I don’t understand.” Before I could get in a word edgewise, she continued. “With Lucca, it only took once.” Her eyes slid closed, and I knew she was taking a stroll through a set of memories she had no business revisiting.
Nope, nope, nope! I won’t let her go back there.
I stepped in front of her and placed both of my hands on her shoulders and gave her a quick shake. “Look at me, Shelby.” Her eyes popped open. “You aren’t allowed to think about the past. Not now. Not ever.” I meant every word. “You conquered those demons, vanquished those monsters, and then you burnt the memories to ash, remember?”
Chin wobbling, she nodded once.
Still, I kept speaking.
“As far as to why it hasn’t happened yet—I am a firm believer in fate. It’s not your time yet, sweet pea. That’s all.” I forced a smile even though my heart was breaking for her. Shelby had overcome so much and was such a dang good person. She didn’t deserve to hurt—ever. “It’ll happen, trust me.”
Her chin continued to wobble as the first tear slipped free. “What if it doesn’t? What if what he did to me messed something up?” By he, Shelby was referring to her psycho ex and Lucca’s biological father. “What if I can’t conceive again? I had a hard time carrying Lucca, Hope. And then the C-section that came after. I lost a lot of blood, got a nasty infection. What if—”
I gave her another shake. “Listen.” More tears. “I don’t think there is anything wron
g. These things take time. But,” I paused and sucked in a breath. “If you can’t carry another baby, then I’ll do it for you.”
Shelby froze. “What?”
Emotion threatened to overwhelm me. “You know, if you need a surrogate or something, I’ll do it.”
And I would. Without a second thought.
“You’d do that for me?”
I nodded, dropping my arms to my sides. Then, I smiled. “My uterus is your uterus. You need someone to carry a baby for you, then you’ve got me.” I smiled. “Hey, you think it would help me grow a rack the size of yours?” I winked. “I mean, I could use some extra boobage.”
Before I could say another word, Shelby wrapped her arms around me. I squeaked in surprise before throwing my arms around her too. She buried her face against my shoulder and cried harder. “I’m going to strangle you for making me cry.”
I laughed. “Sure, blame it all on lil’ ol’ me.”
She was still holding me tight when Evan rounded the corner, walking up behind her. Our eyes met and all the feelings from the last few days came bubbling to the surface.
Just like I’d expected, seeing him hurt. A lot.
Shelby let me go and spun around.
“Swear to God, Evan, I’m going to put a bell around your neck,” Shelby said, placing her hands on her hips. “Maybe then I’ll hear you sneaking up on me.” With a roll of her eyes, she continued, “It’s just not natural, ya know. Being that big, yet being so quiet. It creeps me out.”
He pulled his gaze from me and looked at Shelby. He opened his mouth to say something—no doubt something smart—but snapped it shut when he got a good look at her tear-streaked face.
Then, the interrogation began.
“What the hell is going on?” He all but growled at us. “What did you two do? Did something happen?” He moved forward, closing the small space between him and I. “Are you hurt?” His scrutinizing gaze raked over my entire body from head-to-toe. “Somebody better start talking.”
“Slow your roll, big guy,” Shelby said, her sass shining brightly. “Nobody is hurt.”
