by Harlow Stone
It was, it happened, it’s over.
The sound of the door to Jimmy’s apartment closing pulls me out of my pity party before I hear the subtle knock on the bedroom door.
Jimmy doesn’t knock, ever.
I don’t lift my head from the pillow, but I do reach my hand underneath it, just in case. I’m not left in the dark staring at the wall very long before the deep voice washes over me.
“Need your ass kicked?”
I manage a small tip of my lips before rolling on my back. Denny stands in the doorway, arms braced on the frame. I would say I’m surprised at him being here, but I’m not. I never expected Ryder to back down after I told him on Maverick’s phone that I didn’t want a bodyguard. Although why I have two now is beyond me. Deciding the only way I’m going to get those answers is to ask, I sit up and make myself a little more alert than the zombie I’ve resembled all day.
“I might, Denny Black. Is that what you’re here for? Some ass kicking?”
He manages a chuckle before he pushes off the doorway. He takes a seat at the end of the bed that no longer smells like hookers and cigarettes since I changed the sheets yesterday.
“Can if you want me to girl, but no, that’s not why I’m here.”
I make a motion for him to carry on and elaborate. He blows out a long breath and pulls his longer hair away from his face.
“I can’t tell you everything yet, Elle. That’s Ryder’s story. However what I can tell you is that you do need my help, and that’s what I’m here for.”
I open up my mouth to both question him further and reject but he holds up a hand, telling me to stop before I cut him off.
“You’ll get all the answers soon. I promise you that. But right now we need to focus on other shit. First off is the cabin in the bush bought by ANIG. Did you talk to Cabe today?”
I shake my head no.
“Maverick went there at dawn. No sign of life around and no fresh tracks on the soil around the small shack. However, there was food in the freezer and the heat was left on long enough that somebody must be staying there. Maverick figures it’s been about a week since someone was there, but he’s keeping an eye on it until they come back.”
“Did he find anything personal in the cabin? Anything linking it to Shawn or Andrew?”
Sadly, Denny shakes his head.
“Nothing. A few receipts for groceries, but those were paid in cash. There’s only men's clothing in the closet. Nothing of value, sorry Elle. But Mav is sitting on it. If someone goes back there, we’ll know.”
I nod my head, grateful at the moment for the help.
“Were there any other cabins in the area? The image on the survey map looked like it was pretty secluded.”
“No other cabins. Maverick stashed his truck and hiked in through the bush.”
“Jesus Denny, what if nobody comes for days? Where’s he going to sleep? What if something happens to him and we can’t get ahold of him to know if he’s okay?”
Two strong hands reach out and grab onto my shoulders.
“Elle, he’s done this shit before. He’s staying at the cabin. Knowing him he’s probably laid back on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table and his gun in his lap. And he has a sat phone, so we’ll know if anything happens to him.”
This all seems like so much. Why is it so hard to find a twin for shit’s sake? I don’t get it. And after all we figured out, how can he not be at the cabin? I feel like we’ve solved a million mysteries, only to be left empty handed.
“Jimmy seems like a good guy.”
Denny’s comment about my awesome friend pulls me out of my head.
“Yes, he is. How did you get him to let you in?”
“Ryder tried you on your burner, but Jimmy answered. Told him that I was coming in. I was already parked outside when he called so I guess Jimmy really didn’t get a chance to give you a heads up.”
“I haven’t seen him much today. He needs his space when he’s like this, paint and ink keep him sane.”
“He’s talented. He didn’t talk much. He was in the middle of painting one of the Harleys down there and seemed to be in the zone, so I asked him where you were and he pointed toward the steps.”
As much as I feel bad for sending Jimmy into the zone, and not exactly for a good reason, I’m glad he has something to concentrate on as opposed to worrying about me.
“Jimmy is the most talented man I know. Wait ‘til you see the tattoos he has done. He’s not just another pretty face.”
I joke, shoving Denny’s arm. Letting him know he too is much more than his Viking god status. I know he’s a very good person at heart, and very intelligent.
“So, how long are you here for and where are you staying?”
Denny doesn’t get a chance to answer as Jimmy comes into the bedroom.
“He’s staying here, Jay. I’m heading out for a while, for the night.”
I get out of bed and walk over to Jimmy, putting my arms behind his back and pulling him in close. I love him so much, and the last thing I want to do is to make him not want to be around me because of my stubbornness. I’d rather be the one to distance myself from him.
“Don’t leave your own place because of me Jimmy. I’m sorry. The last thing I want is for you to leave your own home because either you’re pissed off at me or you’re afraid of getting hurt. If that’s the case, I’ll be the one to leave.”
Mid rant Jimmy’s arms come up around my shoulders to return the embrace and he places a kiss on the top of my head.
“Not leaving because I’m worried about getting hurt, Jay. The only time you hurt me is when you refuse my help and everyone else’s. Like I said last night, put your stubborn shit aside and let people help you.”
I shake my head against his chest. “I know, Jimmy. It’s just easier said than done. But I don’t want to drive you away.”
He pulls back so he can look at me. I take in the paint smear on his forehead and the crease of frustration between his brows.
“You’re not driving me away. I love you, Jay. You know that. However I haven’t got laid in five days and I need a break. You stay here with Denny, I’m going to crash at Randi’s after I tie one on at Frank’s.”
“I thought you were done with Randi?”
“I am and she knows it, but that doesn’t mean she won’t open up her legs again.”
A deep chuckle comes from Denny and I return Jimmy’s earlier scowl.
“Isn’t that a little rude?”
“No, and if it feels that way I’ll go home with someone else.”
Well, he’s nothing if not honest.
“Alright. I love you, and be safe.”
He gives me one last peck on the head before grabbing a change of clothes and heading downstairs. Jimmy has a shower in his paint shop that he uses when he’s especially filthy.
Chapter Twenty-seven
“So, did you drive up here, or fly up?” I ask Denny, while reheating some of the stew I made a few days ago. I still don’t have much of an appetite, but that doesn’t mean he’s not hungry.
“I flew to Buffalo then rented a Suburban to finish the trip.”
I push the hearty bowl of stew across the counter to Denny and make a small bowl for myself, hoping to get a little bit of food into me. We eat in companionable silence for a few moments before I get the courage to ask the question that has been plaguing my mind ever since Denny showed up. Or maybe even since I saw Maverick.
“Is he coming here, Denny?”
My voice is barely loud enough to hear for my own ears, but I know he heard me because he put his spoon down and rests his elbows on the island in front of him. Denny’s intense blue eyes stare back at me, almost apologetic before he responds.
“I don’t think there’s much you can do to keep him away. He’s not here yet, but I expect him to be soon.”
I solemnly nod my head. Not wanting to see him, but still wondering why he would personally put so much effort into me. Maybe it’
s guilt? Guilt for fucking up. Guilt for fucking Claudia, and guilt for not having the balls to give it to me straight. I try not to dwell on it too much and hope I don’t have to interact with him when he gets here.
“I appreciate the help Denny, I do. As much as it may not seem like it. You’ve already gathered why I don’t want people near me when all of this comes to a head. I just don’t want to see anyone else get hurt at my expense. That being said I still don’t want any personal contact with Ryder if I can prevent it. Call it childish, call it whatever you want. I’ve just had enough shit to deal with on my plate and I don’t need to add any more to it.”
Denny reaches a hand across the counter and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.
“I get it darlin’. But keep an open mind, things aren’t always what they seem.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Denny shakes his head.
“Not my story to tell, just know that people make sacrifices for those they care about. In the meantime, I’ll field the phone calls.”
I sense that I’m not going to get any more out of Denny, so I leave it where it is and continue with my dinner.
* * *
The sun has set, and even though the darkness is beginning to take over, I have no desire to get to bed anytime soon. Most likely due to sleeping the day away, I figure now would be the time to make right some of my wrongs.
“Any more news from Cabe or Maverick?”
Denny looks at me from his spot on the sofa and shakes his head.
“Nothing. Mav’s fine, still parked at the cabin. Cabe is still trying to track down another location for Shawn. We just sit and wait.”
I hate waiting, I also hate the thought of sitting after laying around all day. I have a mild desire to open up a bottle of wine, but think better of it and continue with my earlier thoughts of righting wrongs.
“Tomorrow is my daughter’s birthday.”
I clear my throat.
“Would’ve been my daughter’s birthday. Was my daughter’s birthday. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m supposed to say that.”
I feel the telltale tingle behind my eyes but blink them back when Denny squeezes my shoulder.
“No right way to say it Elle, but I would stick with is. Just because she’s gone, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to forget the day you brought her into this world.”
I take a deep breath, absorbing Denny’s words.
“Take me there.”
I look up and see the confused expression on his face.
“The cemetery. Nobody will be there at this time of night, and I don’t want to go in the daylight. Tomorrow I risk running into people. I can go by myself if you don’t feel comfortable taking me.”
Denny grabs my small hand with his much larger one and pulls me off the couch.
“I’ll take you.”
I nod my head in silent thanks and head into the bedroom to change into warmer clothes before we head out.
* * *
Denny and I are silent in his Suburban, other than me giving him directions to the cemetery on the outskirts of town. I used to spend a lot of time there, laying in the grass, telling them how much I missed them. It was soothing to me. And after months upon months of going home to an empty house, it seemed like the cemetery was the only place I felt at peace. Closer to them.
I only visited once after my attack to say I was so fucking sorry for what happened to them. I know if my parents were still around, they would say it wasn’t my fault. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the fact it still feels that way.
I still talk to them and I know I don’t need to be at the cemetery for them to hear me. There’s just something deeper about actually being there, seeing those names on the tombstone that makes me feel a little closer to them.
When Cory was killed, I had him buried with my family. They owned six plots and there was never a second thought as to where Cory should go. Never a second thought as to where he would want to be.
Cory’s dad never put up a fuss about it, however he suffered from Alzheimer’s and sadly would forget his son was gone. In a way I hope it makes it easier on him, waking up and still thinking his son is still alive. Cory’s mom passed away from cancer a few years before I had met him, and he too was an only child which gave me free reign as to where he would be put to rest.
We pull up to Mapleview Cemetery. Denny gives me a questioning look since the gates are now closed and locked. I point in a direction around the laneway and off to the side where he can park the vehicle.
I don’t speak when I open my door and neither does he. I follow the path I had used before when I used to come and lay here at night. It leads around the east side of the cemetery where there’s just a short concrete wall dividing the path from the cemetery. Not too high, and short enough that Norma could jump over, joining me to lay on the grass during those nights I couldn’t sleep.
I move on autopilot in the dark, my only light coming from the moon and the lamp posts standing tall at the entrance. Denny follows at a discreet distance behind me as I make my way through the damp grass toward my family’s tombstone.
I enter the sixth row, looking down at my feet. I won’t be able to stop the silent tears that will soon streak down my face. The same thing always happens upon my arrival at the marble stone. I don’t look up when I reach it, and settle down on the damp grass beneath me.
I don’t pay any mind to the wetness seeping into the knees of my tights and I don’t stop my hands from automatically moving up, feeling the names of those I loved etched into the cold stone in front of me.
I let the wetness run down my cheeks, keeping my eyes firmly closed. I lean my head forward to rest it on the hard surface. My shoulders begin to shake, but no noise comes from my mouth. My fingers blindly trace the letters that my mind will never forget.
I feel the sharp edge of the letter ‘L’. I feel the imperfection of the stone on the letter ‘Y’. My trembling fingers follow the deep groove of the numbers. Two sets inform you of a longer span of life, and the last betraying the miniscule amount of time here on earth. A time too short for someone so small to enjoy. A life taken far too early.
A life that never got to her fourth birthday.
A life that never got to her first kiss.
A life that never got to be asked to the prom, or taken on her first date.
A life taken so fast that at this moment the only thing I pray for is that she fell asleep in the car, like she normally did when we traveled. I tell myself she was in fact asleep when it happened. Nobody had to hear her in pain; she didn’t have to experience any type of fear before she was taken from me.
I tell myself she went peacefully, in her sleep. Knowing nothing at the time other than the unicorns and rainbows she was most likely dreaming of. I tell myself she wasn’t scared and that my mom was in the back seat with her when they went to heaven. I tell myself they were holding hands, and Lilly’s little head was resting on my mom while she slept on the way to the hotel.
I tell myself all of these things as I let myself break down on the cold hard ground. I feel the small breeze cutting through the multitude of stones and I smell the dew in the air. I take it all in and breathe it all out. All the while remaining fused to the stone in front of me, wishing to all that is holy I could have had more time with them.
Gary B. O’Connor
1952-2012
Susan E. O’Connor
1956-2012
Only ever a thought away. I will love and remember you
each and every day.
I do the same thing I always do when I come here, which is rest my finger on that mocking dash between the dates, one little notch that is supposed to represent everything in between the two sets of years. Milestones, birthdays and anniversaries. First kisses, first loves and a first home. I try to focus on the dash and what they accomplished between those years, as opposed to dwelling on the last set of numbers. I trace my fingers down the new inscription I had done after Co
ry was killed, and I finally let the ugly sobs free.
Lilly Jayne O’Connor
2009-2012
Remembering you is easy, I do it every day,
Missing you is a heartache, which never goes away.
Know that this is not goodbye, just time to rest your head.
The moon will be your pillow, the stars above your bed.
