by Tracy Bloom
‘What do you mean, I won’t have sex with you?’
‘Well, we haven’t done it since . . .’ She paused, finding it difficult to get the words out. ‘Since you found out about Matthew.’
‘Really!’ he exclaimed. ‘Is it that long? Why didn’t you just ask me?’
‘I tried,’ she said. ‘Remember? With the Dang Dang Whisky Slider Bombs, but that all ended very badly.’
‘You should have just said. You didn’t need to go to all that trouble. You should have just talked to me.’
‘What, like you just talking to me about the fact you weren’t coping looking after Millie?’
They both looked at each other in silence.
‘Shall we try just talking to each other in the future?’ said Ben eventually.
‘What a novel idea,’ said Katy.
‘Very mature of us, I reckon.’ Ben grinned and took her hand. ‘Shall I start?’
‘Fire away,’ she replied. ‘Whatever you want to get off your chest.’
‘Before I start, can I just ask where you’ve put our daughter?’
‘Oh, she’s at your mum’s. She’s having a sleepover.’
‘Great,’ he replied. ‘So here’s the first thing I want to say.’
‘Hit me with it.’
‘What on earth are we doing sitting in a microbrewery when we have the flat all to ourselves? We should be having sex.’
Chapter Thirty-One
Six weeks later
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’
‘You really think I need to wear a tie for a christening?’ asked Ben for the fourth time that morning.
‘It’s not a christening, it’s a naming ceremony,’ Katy told him.
‘I know. Amounts to the same thing, though, doesn’t it?’
‘Not really, given that a christening is religious and a naming ceremony isn’t.’
‘What I mean is that it’s just an excuse for a party. The ceremony bit is something to be endured so you can have a right old rave-up.’
Katy stopped applying her lipstick and turned to look at Ben.
‘And it’s an excuse to buy a new outfit,’ he added. ‘Am I right?’
She looked down at her Fifties-style dress. It was pale blue lace, mid-calf length, and she’d spent every lunchtime for a month searching it out. It looked amazing, and in normal circumstances she might have been upset if it hadn’t been immediately obviously she’d bought a new frock. But then he was a man, after all, and today of all days she refused to be upset.
‘Oh, I’ve had it a while,’ she said, waving her hand dismissively. ‘Just never got round to wearing it.’ She decided to change tack. ‘Actually, I picked this up yesterday. Thought you could do with a new tie. Why don’t you try it on with your white shirt and smart trousers?’ She handed him a bag and held her breath as he pulled out the tie, which was exactly the same colour as her dress. She prayed he wouldn’t notice. He shrugged and dropped it on the bed, then reached for the ironed white shirt she’d left hanging on the back of a chair. In fact, he would wear pretty much whatever she wanted provided he didn’t have to put any thought into it.
‘I’ll go and get Millie ready,’ she said as she gave herself one last check in the full-length mirror. She looked just how she wanted to on this important day. Pretty and happy. Perfect. She checked her watch. It was all about timing now. Being late would ruin everything, and given that she’d not tackled getting Millie into her outfit yet and Ben was only half dressed, then anything could happen to cause a delay.
‘Come on then, you,’ she said to Millie, pulling her out of her baby seat and easing her into an abundance of white taffeta. Ben hadn’t asked what Millie would be wearing today. Clearly her outfit hadn’t registered as important. Katy hoped again that he wouldn’t notice that the wide sash around her belly was the same colour as his tie and her lace dress. She lifted Millie up once all buttons were secured and held her tight to her chest, looking in the mirror at the pair of them. She should be nervous, she realised, but she wasn’t. She was just happy. Her only worry was whether Millie would throw up over her before they made it to the ceremony.
Ten minutes later they all stood in the hall waiting for the taxi to arrive.
‘You look fit,’ said Ben.
‘As a mother approaching forty way too rapidly, I take that as a massive compliment.’
‘That’s how it was intended,’ said Ben, tugging his tie loose. Katy fought the compulsion to tighten it back up again.
‘Remind me who’s coming,’ he said.
‘Oh, the usual, you know,’ she replied. ‘Just close friends and family.’
Ben nodded. Katy had offered to organise everything for today’s ceremony and that suited them both.
‘Do you not think this tie is over the top?’ he asked, taking another tug at it.
‘No,’ said Katy, trying to stay calm. ‘Why don’t you keep it on until you get there and if you’re not comfortable, take it off then.’
‘Right, I’ll do that,’ Ben agreed. ‘We could drive, you know. We don’t really need a taxi, do we?’
‘Look, it’s all organised. Just try and enjoy it, okay?’
‘Okay.’
Ben was making Katy feel nervous. Where was the bloody taxi so they could just get on with it?
‘Shall we wait downstairs?’ she suggested. If she watched Ben bobbing around on one foot any longer she might throw up.
‘Good idea,’ he said, picking up Millie.
Katy went to pick up the nappy bag, which weighed a ton.
‘I can take that,’ Ben offered, taking it from her. ‘Bloody hell, what have you put in here? The changing table?’
‘Just stuff we might need,’ she said.
‘You need some lessons on nappy bag efficiency,’ Ben declared. ‘Me and the Millster have it down to a five-item maximum these days. And we’ve agreed that by puberty she’ll have it down to just two. Wet wipes and spare pants, that’s it. No messing.’
‘I’m impressed,’ said Katy. ‘Seriously. Now that’s the taxi. Let’s go, shall we?’
‘You remember we’ve just got to call in at the registry office on the way,’ said Katy, once they were all secure in the back of the cab after a few minutes’ grappling with the seat belt and Millie’s seat.
‘I know, I know,’ said Ben. ‘It’s still bothering me that I can’t remember the registrar handing me the birth certificate when we left.’
‘I’m not blaming you,’ said Katy. ‘It’s my fault. I’m sure she handed it to me, but I’ve no idea where I put it. It doesn’t matter anyway. They’ve got us a copy and that’s all we need.’
‘Quite surprised they even need a birth certificate for a naming ceremony,’ said Ben. ‘If parents are going to go through all that palaver, I think you’d be pretty certain that they managed to register the baby at birth.’
Katy shrugged.
‘I guess it just helps to make it official, doesn’t it?’
‘But to who? God?’
‘Clearly not, as it’s non-religious.’
‘Well, who then?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Katy, trying not to lose her cool. ‘They just said we needed to take it, that’s all. In any case, we needed another one, didn’t we, given we’d lost the first one?’
‘S’pose,’ Ben shrugged. ‘Eh up, there’s Braindead,’ he cried, leaning towards the window as they drew up outside the registry office. ‘Bloody hell. He’s got a tie on. You’ve got Braindead into a tie, Millie, can you believe that? Who’d have thought it? I bet you’re the first woman he’s ever worn a tie for,’ he continued, squeezing her toes.
‘He’s not wearing it for her,’ said Katy as the taxi drew to a halt.
‘Eh,’ said Ben, jerking his head to look at Katy. ‘What do you mean?’
She felt herself go hot and then cold with pure nerves. Suddenly she couldn’t speak. She swallowed repeatedly until finally she managed to squeak, ‘Will you marry me . . . today?�
��
Ben went white.
He’s going to say no, she panicked. She thought she might be sick.
‘Today,’ he murmured.
She nodded.
He looked through the window at Braindead, who was clapping wildly and pointing to the top of the steps. He looked up and saw his mum first, dressed top to toe in pink, including pink shoes. She was busy tugging his dad’s tie into place while he protested by keeping one finger firmly inserted in his collar. Then he saw Rick next to his new wife, who must have been having top-ups by now as she still had a deep tan. Next to them stood Katy’s mum and dad, who Daniel was keeping entertained. Katy’s dad was clearly in awe if a little scared of Daniel’s lime-green suit and the fact that he was holding Katy’s bouquet as naturally as if he were about to become a new bride himself.
‘I don’t need some big fancy wedding,’ said Katy, taking his hand. ‘All I need to know is that you and me are in this together . . . forever.’
Ben’s jaw had dropped and he showed no sign of being able to speak.
‘There’s no naming ceremony,’ she continued. ‘Just someone in there waiting to marry us.’ She glanced down at her watch. ‘In ten minutes’ time.’
Dazed, Ben looked back up at the small crowd of their nearest and dearest then back down at Millie, then finally at Katy.
‘My tie matches your dress?’ he murmured.
She nodded vigorously.
‘That’s it,’ she said. ‘You’re catching on. Look, Millie’s ribbon is the same colour.’
He looked down and gasped, his hand flying to his mouth.
‘Our wedding, today!’ he exclaimed.
‘That’s right,’ said Katy. ‘Everyone’s here for us. I even had to invite Abby because Braindead insisted.’
Ben looked back out the window. Braindead was standing on the kerb, attached to Abby by the mouth.
‘Yuck,’ said Ben, looking away fast.
‘So will you?’ said Katy, catching both of his hands. ‘Will you marry me,’ she said slowly, ‘right now?’
‘I will,’ said Ben, welling up. ‘Of course I bloody will.’
Katy thought she might burst into tears before she remembered she had to tell Ben one more thing.
‘And I’ve organised a honeymoon,’ she announced. ‘Just a couple of nights. Your mum said she’d have Millie. I’ve booked us into a little cottage on the moors.’
‘You are amazing,’ declared Ben. ‘A wedding and a honeymoon in an empty house. You know what that means, don’t you?’
‘What?
‘We’re going to have sex.’
‘Yes,’ nodded Katy, grinning.
‘And more than once.’
‘Oh, most definitely,’ she laughed. ‘Most definitely.’
Epilogue
From the website www.dummies&daddiesguidetobabies.com
NEWS – 1 JUNE
Please accept my apologies for not having posted any updates for the last two weeks. I will be filming the promised video on how to treat minor injuries resulting from babies learning to walk later on today, as well as updating the suggested list of first words to teach your ten-month-old.
The reason I haven’t been able to post recently is due to the fact that I am overjoyed to announce that I am three months pregnant! It has come as an enormous surprise to me and my husband as our twins arrived after many years of IVF and we never expected to conceive naturally. However, as we now understand, apparently it’s quite common after a successful IVF pregnancy. It will, of course, be a lot of hard work having three babies in the house under two, but it’s something both my husband and I are really looking forward to. He has also promised to take his fair share of parental duties so that I can carry on with this website, so watch this space.
Alison
Leave a comment:
Dipsey Daddy Daycare:
WOW, ALISON!!!! I know I don’t normally leave comments on your website, just avidly watch all your videos to keep me up to date, but I had to say a mahoosive congratulations. I can only imagine how happy you are. This website saves my life daily, by the way – promise me you won’t stop doing it . . . I need you. Just don’t tell anyone I said that.
Alison:
You don’t really need me – you are perfectly capable and you know it. We are beyond happiness – you?
Dipsey Daddy Daycare:
All good. I’m coping, which is a huge step forward. Millie gets cheekier by the day and so it’s a lot more fun. There are moments when I really enjoy myself!
Oh, and I started a Music, Daddies and The Arctic Monkeys group with other stay-at-home dads I met through this website. We meet every Friday lunchtime, listen to some tunes and play poker with the kids sitting on our knees. Millie has a great poker face.
Alison:
That’s just . . . so you, Ben. Glad you are enjoying yourself, though.
Dipsey Daddy Daycare:
Oh, and I’m a married man now. I wear a ring and everything. We are definitely not pregnant. We listened to the doctor’s advice about contraception, unlike some I can mention! Having fun practising, though!
Alison:
Please – I don’t need details.
Dipsey Daddy Daycare:
Ha ha – you’d better get some more practice yourselves, because you’ll have no time when the next one arrives!
Alison:
Enough now.
Dipsey Daddy Daycare:
Okay. Bye then. Keep up the good work. That’s the website, I mean, not the practising! Right, I’m really going now. Bye.
THE END
About the Author
Hi everyone. If you're reading this you've either just finished No-One Ever Has Sex in the Suburbs or you’re thinking about starting it but thought you'd check me out first to see if you think I could write a book you'd enjoy. So here's me – see what you think. I always wanted to be a writer and I got my chance when my husband’s career moved us to America for three years. In a bid to avoid domestic duties and people who didn't understand my Derbyshire accent I wrote No-One Ever Has Sex on a Tuesday, which went on to be successfully published internationally and became a number 1 best-selling ebook in the UK. I'm now on my fourth book and back living in the UK where my joy is my family and my writing. Achieving my dream as an author has lead me to think about pursuing other goals, which currently include spontaneous dancing on a table without collapse (me or the table) and meeting a real live moose.
If you have just finished reading No-One Ever Has Sex in the Suburbs, thank you so much and I really hope you enjoyed it. It would be wonderful if you felt you could write a review – it doesn’t have to be long, but will always be appreciated.
For Amazon UK click here
For Amazon US click here
I love hearing from my readers so do please come and visit my website, find me on Twitter or join me on Facebook.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This is the fourth book I’ve written and published. Can’t quite believe that. So much has happened since I first put pen to paper and fingers to keyboard back in 2007. There have been times when waiting for something to happen has nearly killed me and times when so much has been happening it has nearly killed me! I’ve been lucky enough to experience the utter thrill of writing my first novel, getting my first agent and then my first foreign publishing deal. Then nothing happened for a while until I decided to take the matter in my own hands and had the most brilliant time self-publishing my first book, which led to my first number one, which led to my first UK publishing deal.
So I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the people who were right there at the beginning and those who are here at what feels like sort of the end of the beginning.
Thank you to Jordan Pecile, Jeff Hutton and my fellow students at the Manchester Community College, Connecticut who first made me write. It’s so important to just start and that’s what you all did for me.
Thanks as always to Bruce, my husband, who made me believe I could f
inish. That I was capable and not insane. You have no idea how important that is. And to all my friends and family for being the inspiration behind many of my words and thoughts.
Now, eight years later, my people are not just classmates and tutors and family and friends but agents and publishers and publicists and marketeers and distributors, who all make up the world of publishing. My biggest thank yous must go to Araminta Whitley and Peta Nightingale for their support and honesty, and to Jenny Geras and Selina Walker for their belief and sharing some of the journey with me.
But mostly I have to thank every single person who ever bought and read one of my books. Thank you. You made me very happy.
Who knows what the next phase holds, but whatever happens, I feel very lucky to be here.
