by Lee, A. H.
He’d said one night. Even in all the breathless pleasure of their lovemaking, he’d never amended that. Now, it was as though he were already gone.
No, of course he’s not gone, Jessica told herself. Mal wouldn’t be in the kitchen making breakfast alone. She couldn’t hear their voices, though. Cautiously, Jessica padded out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.
Azrael stood at the stove in dress trousers and a white dress shirt with an apron tied over it. To Jessica, he looked adorably domestic. The atmosphere in the kitchen, however, was not adorable. The silence felt tense.
Mal lay beside the table in panther form, his head on his paws, watching Azrael with a dejected expression. His eyes shifted to Jessica when she came in, then returned to his former master.
After a moment, Jessica sat down at the kitchen table. Azrael turned at the scrape of the chair. “Jessica,” he said briskly. “Would you like two pieces of toast or three?”
“Three, please.”
He handed her a cup of coffee and then returned to the stove. Mal’s eyes followed him. Jessica wondered what they’d said to each other when they woke up…if they’d said anything at all. She studied Mal’s face. Ren woke up first, she decided. He was probably half dressed by the time Mal realized he was gone.
Azrael set the spatula down. “What?”
Mal’s ears pricked, but he said nothing.
Azrael turned to look at him. “I can feel you moping at me. What?”
“It’s like it didn’t happen,” said Mal in a plaintive voice.
Azrael pinched the bridge of his nose. “Mal, I have a lot on my mind at the moment.”
Mal slunk forward, tail and ears low. “Did you use that memory charm after all?”
“No. How much toast do you want?”
Mal flinched as though Azrael had kicked him. “I didn’t do it well enough,” he muttered, “and now you never want to do it again.”
Azrael pressed his lips into a bloodless line. “Mal, I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
But he needs you to. Jessica watched them, feeling helpless. Azrael’s posture and expression were closed and unfriendly. Last night did feel like a dream.
Mal swallowed. “When I was dying in the Shadow Lands, you said something to me. You said, ‘Sorcerers are doomed to love things that can never love them back.’” His eyes searched Azrael’s face. “It’s not true.”
Azrael took a deep breath. “Mal—”
But Mal talked over him. “When Jessica came to the Shrouded Isle, I loved her because she was like me. And I’d never met anyone who was like me. I could teach her things, show her things, share experiences with her that I couldn’t share with anyone else. You wanted me to fall in love with a human, but I didn’t love Jessica because she was human. I loved her because she wasn’t.”
Mal wrapped his tail around his paws nervously. “You kept waiting for me to fall in love with a human. But I already did…a long time ago.”
Azrael covered his face with both hands. Mal kept talking, as though he thought Azrael was about to walk away. “I can sleep on my rug. Jessica doesn’t like to sleep touching other people anyway. And I can be a panther when I’m with you. I’ll just be a panther. I won’t bother you at all. Just let me come home.” He sounded so sad, so defeated.
Jessica stared at Azrael. For gods’ sakes, Ren, tell him he did a good job. He needs you to say that…even if you won’t get into bed with us again.
“You won’t even need wards,” continued Mal. “I’ll leave you alone. But I don’t belong in some compound on the far side of the palace. I’ll hardly see you if I’m not in your rooms. That’s where I live; that’s my home.”
Azrael leaned back against the counter, his hands still covering his face.
“And I won’t hold your hand or kiss you or do anything else that makes you uncomfortable,” continued Mal. He pressed his face against Azrael’s pant leg. His voice came out small and muffled. “I won’t even have hands.”
Azrael slithered down the counter to sit on the floor.
Mal looked like he wanted to crawl into his lap, but he didn’t. “Maybe I should have told you all that before last night. Jessica says I do things in the wrong order.”
Azrael rubbed at his eyes, let his hands drop into his lap. He spoke in a low, desperate voice, “Mal, if I begin thinking about last night, I will stare into space and then find that the whole day has passed. I have a trial ahead of me with people who hired a demon hunter to learn your name and banish you. I can’t…can’t think about last night. Not now.”
Mal sat up a little straighter.
Azrael reached for his own shirtsleeve, unfastened the cuff with a jerky motion, and rolled it up. Even from several feet away, Jessica could see the bruises where Mal’s fingers had wrapped around his arm and pinned it to the bed. Azrael spoke in a hoarse whisper, “I’ve got your handprints all over me.”
Mal licked his lips, his eyes skipping between Azrael’s arm and his face. “Is that bad?”
Azrael dropped his arm, gave a laugh that was half sob. “It happened.”
Mal scooted forward as though he couldn’t help himself. He started licking Azrael’s arm. “I can fix it.”
Azrael gave another broken laugh and hugged Mal’s head against his chest. “I don’t care. I’m just terribly afraid these wizards will figure out how much I love you.”
Mal started purring. The sound was startlingly loud and rough. He didn’t do it very often because he had a hard time purring and talking at the same time. Even through her tears, Jessica smiled at the sight of a full grown panther trying to crawl into a man’s lap.
Azrael made a startled noise as Mal began licking his face. “Mal! I cannot go to a trial with panther saliva in my hair!” He cradled Mal’s head against his shoulder and wrapped his other arm around Mal’s enormous body. Mal kept trying to curl into his lap. “You’re also getting fur all over me.”
Mal stopped purring. His voice was playful now. “Can I lick you everywhere I left bruises?”
“Not right now.”
“Later?”
Azrael said nothing.
Mal pulled back and rested his broad, feline forehead against Azrael’s. “Did I leave handprints all over your body and pawprints all over your heart?”
“More like teeth marks all over my heart.”
Mal started purring again. Azrael stroked his head with a helpless expression. “Mal, we need to leave in about twenty minutes.”
Jessica broke in. “So, you’re not saying ‘never again’?”
Azrael looked at her over Mal’s head. “I’m saying, please don’t push me right now.”
Mal’s head came up. “But not ‘never again’?”
Azrael took a deep breath. “No. Now, please let me eat and probably change clothes.”
Chapter 61
Jessica
Jessica wanted to go with them, but Azrael shook his head. “The Council hasn’t asked for you, Jessica. They’re not concerned about you. I want to keep this as simple as possible. If Mal and I end up in a violent confrontation with these people, I don’t want you in the middle of it.”
Jessica was tempted to point out that she was not completely useless in regards to magic, and she was also pretty good with a sword these days. But she could tell that what he meant was, “I don’t want to be worried about you, too.” So she kept quiet.
Mal was going as a panther. If he needed to turn into a man, Azrael felt that the clothes he could make for himself were adequate. The council wouldn’t expect anything else. As Azrael hurried around getting ready, Mal began to quiz him about the location of the council’s chosen courtroom, their likely defenses, and weaknesses.
Rather than adding her own questions, Jessica took her coffee outside and sat at the picnic table in the garden with a coat over her pajamas. She listened to birdsong in the early morning mist and tried not to worry. The trial will go fine. Lord Loudain will be there, and he likes Azrael. No one will ban
ish Mal because he’s good and he does good things. We’ll be back here tonight and start home tomorrow. She shut her eyes. Home. To the Shrouded Isle, and I’ll get to see Tod and Yuli, and we’ll ride horses and wear fabulous clothes and meet interesting people and go on adventures in pocket worlds, and everything will be fine.
She was startled by a voice—cheerful, but a little uncertain. “Jessica?”
Jessica looked past the garden gate and saw Ania stepping out of the mist from around the side of the cottage. She was dressed in trousers and carrying a picnic basket. “I knocked on the front door, but nobody answered…”
“Oh!” Jessica stood up, realized she was wearing pajamas, and wrapped her coat around her. “I wasn’t expecting—”
“I’m sorry. I should have sent a note. I thought I’d surprise you, but maybe that was a dumb idea.”
Jessica felt a little annoyed with Ania for showing up right now and a little ashamed of herself for being annoyed. “It’s alright. Maybe…” Maybe it would be nice to have company while Mal and Azrael are gone. It will keep me from looking at the clock every five minutes. “Ren and Mal have somewhere they need to be this morning. They’re about to leave.”
“I don’t mind meeting them,” said Ania meekly.
Jessica nodded. “You can just say hi before they go. Come into the garden and have a seat. I’ll see if they’ve finished dressing.” And then I’ll take you inside while they leave, so that I don’t have to explain the gate.
Ania started to fumble with the picnic basket. She had it in both hands. Jessica wondered how she’d walked all the way from town. Did she come on a horse? “Here, let me help.” Jessica opened the gate.
Ania came inside, beaming, and set the basket on the picnic table. “What a pretty little garden.”
Jessica nodded. “Wait here a moment.” She hurried inside. “Mal! Ren! I have a guest.” She found them in the bedroom, both half under the bed.
Mal backed out, shaking dust from his whiskers. “Azrael lost one of his cufflinks, but we found it.”
Azrael backed out on his elbows, muttering. “Remind me never to get undressed by flinging clothes all over the room.”
“I’ll be sure to make a neat pile next time,” said Mal. “Folded.”
Azrael fastened his cufflink. “Jessica, is something wrong?”
“No, I just have a guest in the garden. I sort of invited her on a picnic earlier, and she thought it would be fun to surprise me.”
“Her?” Mal waggled his eyebrows, which was not easy for a panther.
Jessica tried to sound nonchalant. “Yes, I do have friends who are girls.”
“But you want to sleep with this one.”
How can you possibly know that?
“Your aura,” he said, as though she’d asked the question aloud.
Jessica could feel herself blushing. She covered it by struggling out of her pajamas and pulling on some clothes.
“Would you like tips?” Mal was enjoying this.
Jessica rolled her eyes. “I am a girl. I think I know how girls work.”
“If you think that’s enough, you’re going to do so much fumbling.”
“Time to go,” said Azrael. “What is this young woman’s name, Jessica?”
“Ania. I thought I’d introduce her and then bring her inside while you leave.”
“Very good.”
They all strode into the garden. Ania, however, was nowhere in sight. Jessica felt annoyed again. The picnic basket was still on the bench beside the table. A long-stemmed rose lay across the top. “Ania!”
“Maybe she’s gone to find a nice picnic spot in the woods,” teased Mal. “A nice, private spot.”
“We’ll meet her when we get back,” said Azrael.
Mal turned into a man. It was apparently safer to go through the gate that way with one hand on the silver thread. “We’ll see you in a couple of hours,” said Azrael.
Don’t make a scene, Jessica told herself. Don’t hug them or kiss them good-bye. It’s just as though they’re walking into town for lunch. They’ll hardly be gone at all.
Chapter 62
Jessica
“Ania!” Jessica walked all the way around the cottage calling, but got no answer. She was torn between annoyance and worry. I thought she might be in trouble. That intimidating man was following her around at the club. She’s cagey about where she sleeps and lives. Could someone have followed her out here? Grabbed her while I was in the house?
That thought brought Jessica quickly back to the garden. She wanted to go inside and lock the doors. She wished the fog would burn off.
Azrael and Mal are the ones in danger, she chided herself. I’m just sitting here waiting. For everyone, apparently.
Jessica went over to the silver thread. I wonder what the weather’s like in Kotos. Is it still snowing?
She found the thread, took it in her hand, and lined herself up with the plane of the gate. It wasn’t snowing on the other side, but for a moment Jessica thought it was night. That doesn’t make sense. Kotos and Bethsaria are due south. It’s not a different time of day over there.
She squinted. She was definitely looking into a wood—a darker wood than she remembered. Maybe it’s foggy over there like it is here. She couldn’t see any snow. She thought she saw something shiny on the ground beneath the trees, but it was hard to make out details.
Jessica began to pace. Something was niggling at the back of her mind like a hangnail. She walked over to the picnic basket and peeked inside. Bread, cheese, fruit, wine—a simple, romantic meal. Jessica poked through the basket, looking for…what? She found a tablecloth wrapped around a couple of wine glasses, a bread knife, all very normal.
I’ve made a mistake. The words popped into Jessica’s mind without explanation, without context. She had a sense of mounting urgency. I’ve made a mistake.
Images of Ania flashed through Jessica’s mind—her sharp nose, that cheeky grin. Ania on a pool table, playing table tennis, playing chess, always winning.
Lucy’s voice from what felt like ages ago: “Faeries love games.”
Jessica’s knees buckled. She sat down hard on the bench.
Ania’s grin. Her sharp, sharp teeth. “Checkmate.”
Jessica looked at the long-stemmed rose. She wanted to shred it. Breathe, she told herself. Slowly, Jessica got up and went back to the gate. She stood in front of it, glaring into the dim wood on the far side. That shiny object on the ground. There was something familiar about it. She squinted.
Mal’s collar.
Jessica felt dizzy. Tears stung her eyes. She thought she might vomit. I let her in. I—
No! She wiped her eyes and swallowed the bile in the back of her throat. No.
Jessica marched into the house. She’d begun to put on her exercise clothes, just because they’d been most readily at hand. Now she finished dressing—fitted jacket over her blouse, supple leather boots over her trousers, cuffs tucked in, nothing dangling. She bound up her hair, and she put on her sword. Then she went back to the garden, lifted the picnic basket as though it were a poisonous snake, and set it outside the gate, just in case that mattered. She flung the rose over the garden wall.
Then she went to the gate and finally allowed herself to think the words, Mal and Azrael have been taken by faeries. This gate probably doesn’t go to Kotos anymore. Jessica drew her sword, squared her shoulders, and went after them.
Chapter 63
Jessica
It wasn’t snowing on the other side of the gate. It wasn’t even cold. The air smelled like summer in a dense wood—loam and cedar with a trace of some strange flower. The trees were huge and ancient, as big around as houses. There was no sign of a path.
Jessica turned in a quick circle, sword up, looking for enemies. Nothing stirred in the sleepy wood. High overhead a breath of wind passed through the branches like a sigh. An ululating bird song drifted from somewhere in the distance. When she looked back the way she’d come, Jessica saw no t
hread, no gate. Her heart pounded, but she forced herself to take slow, deep breaths.
Jessica moved forward to Mal’s collar, half hidden in ferns. The collar looked as it did when he was a panther, with large, heavy silver links. Mal and Azrael would never leave this behind on purpose. It’s Azrael’s focus. Without it, he can’t use Mal’s magic. That makes them both more vulnerable.
Jessica lifted the collar to examine it. She was a little relieved to see no blood, dents, or scratches. But might the collar just absorb anything like that? It changes shape along with Mal. After a moment’s hesitation, she draped the collar around her own neck. It felt cool and alien, but also somehow comforting—a piece of both of them.
Something crunched in the woods behind her, and Jessica spun around, sword up. She saw only ferns and trees. Wind moved in the branches high overhead, but not a trace of it reached the forest floor. Jessica felt as though someone was laughing at her.
“Where are they?!” she shouted. It felt dangerous to call attention to herself, but she shouted again anyway, “What have you done with them?!”
Faeries in stories often turned people into plants or animals or even objects. They took their victims’ memories and made them into servants or slaves. Jessica stared at the huge, old trees all around her. Could Mal and Azrael be in there? How would I know? How would I get them out?
“I was kind to you,” she whispered. Jessica wasn’t talking to Mal and Azrael now. “I offered you a place to sleep; I trusted you. Show them to me. You owe me that much.”
Jessica wasn’t certain what she expected, but when she turned in another circle, she spied a narrow path, winding away among the ferns. It had been hidden by a tree trunk, and she couldn’t swear that it hadn’t been there all along. It certainly looked like it had.
Jessica followed the path. After a while, she sheathed her sword. There didn’t seem to be anything to stab. The wood was achingly beautiful, with mossy rocks, gentle hills, gurgling streams, and shafts of golden sunlight falling from high above.
Jessica remembered something Mal had said when he took her across the illusory stream at the foot of Azrael’s tower. “Where it flows through Faerie, they call it the Lethe. Where it flows through Death, they call it the Styx.” Jessica didn’t think any of these winding brooks could be that river, but she took care not to touch the water all the same.
