by Jude Ouvrard
“Mrs. Layton, I was wondering if you were still looking for a waitress.” I say it without blinking or breathing. I can’t be more direct than that and my fingers are crossed. I just want her to say yes.
“Of course, I am but are you sure you want to work here? You look like you should be working in an office or something.”
“I’m sure. I really need this. The past two years I’ve had a rough time and this job would allow me to start over.”
“I like you. I also like your sister. So…you’re hired.” She wraps her arm around me and gives me a hug. “We’ll take care of you here, like we do family.”
It touches me, my heart. I can feel the tears rushing out of my eyes. “Thank you so much.” I shake her hand. “When do I start?”
“How about next Monday? I’ll add you to the morning schedule – our busiest time, the rest of it will be a piece of cake.”
“Yes, this morning the restaurant was very busy.”
Can I handle this? All I can do is try.
“Be here Monday at 7am and we’ll show you how it works. It will be me or Zoe.”
“Alright. I’ll see you Monday at 7am.” We shake hands again. “Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome, dear.”
Just like that, I have a job. Not my dream job but a job and it’s wonderful. Today has been a great day probably the best I’ve had in a very long time. Everything is falling into place slowly.
Now about that apartment… I think I would like to visit it. Lennox’s status makes me feel safe. Living in the same building would lower my anxiety and fear. Should I pay him another visit at the station or should I ask Matt for his number? I’ll ask Matt. I prefer Lennox Love to Lennox Eastwood. Less intimidating.
While Abbey has her own things to do, I go to the bank to deposit my money. When I moved away, I transferred my money into Dave’s bank account. From the start, I should have noted the signs of how he liked to demand and control every little thing in my life. At first, I saw none of it but weeks later, I started seeing the changes but didn’t think much about it. Look where that got me. Trying not to get sentimental over my past, I leave the bank with my new debit and credit cards. Registered under my name only.
Probably nothing special to most people but to me, it again meant celebration of my new life.
CHAPTER SIX
The protector
I’ve never looked like this in my entire life. Not even on my prom day. Abbey’s friend enjoyed playing dress up with me. I guess I have to be thankful for the massive wardrobe my sister owns. Not that I don’t own nice clothes because I do. They are mostly branded and expensive clothes that Dave bought me. He did have good taste in clothes but that’s about it.
The only thing that I’m wearing that belongs to me is my cherry red heels. The little black dress I borrowed is perfect. I mean, it’s sexy but I’m still covered. Abbey and her friends are barely covering anything. It would take the fabric of all three of their dresses to make a dress like mine. They’re young and enjoying that perfect body God gave them. I can only laugh and keep an eye on them when they’ll try to dance later on. With so little fabric, I hope they have underwear on. Nah, I don’t even want to think about it.
Logan is driving while holding my sister’s hand. I’ve seen how he looks at her, how he makes sure she is spending the best birthday ever and it makes me happy. While Dave was always nice to me at first, I don’t remember seeing him looking at me like that. He can’t keep his hands or eyes off her. I envy that but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get to that point again in my lifetime. My sister trusts him with her life and soul. I bet she’ll be the first one in the family to get married. At some point, I thought it was going to be me but I know now that I’m better alone and single than with Dave Philipps.
Matthew and Lennox are supposed to join us later. For some reason, I think it is odd that Lennox will join us at the club. He’s a Sergeant, isn’t he supposed to be the serious and mature type? I don’t know but I’ll keep my distance. My secrets are safe with him but I don’t want him to pity me. I won’t tolerate it.
I’ve been standing by a small table for over an hour. The music is good and it takes everything in me not to dance. Since I got here, I’ve been dealing with some kind of anxiety. The last time I found myself dancing in a club, it ended badly.
Even if I know I’m safe, I’m still scared. Abbey notices my change of mood and makes sure I always have something to drink. To be honest, I can’t say I’m that tipsy but I can’t definitely not say that I’m my normal self. I giggle for no reason and my ankles feel like they can no longer hold my weight on my three inches heels.
Discreetly, I start moving my hips while looking around making sure Dave isn’t here. Why would he be here anyway? He’s probably too busy in Seattle to come and look for me. Plus, I have a restraining order. Come on, Lilly, you don’t have to be scared.
“Hey! How’s that baby sister of ours?” Matt surprises me.
“She’s having a good time and keeping me hydrated.” I start laughing and he just shakes his head.
“Hey, Matthew. I’m so happy you’re here.”
There she goes.
“Did you forget your skirt at home and now you’re pulling your top down to cover your ass or what?”
“Oh shut up, Matt. Logan loves it.”
“I bet he does.” Lennox says from behind me.
“Where is he?” Matt asks.
“He went to get us drinks. I think he’s had enough dancing for tonight.” She turns to me. “Are you coming now?”
Lennox is right behind me and no, I’m not ready to face him. Dance floor, here I come. “I guess I am.” She grabs my hand before I have time to finish my shot.
“Come on, Lilly, we don’t have all night.” She pulls me toward her circle of friends and they all start cheering at me. Before the crowd closes behind me, I turn around to Matt and Lennox. He is staring at me and I don’t know what to think.
“Lilly. Dance with me.” Her hands are on my hips and she is trying hard to make me move. Eventually, I give in. “The music is so good, come on. I know you can dance.”
I know I can and I’m doing it now. I’m dancing and I’m thrilled.
“See? I told you.”
I’ve never doubted that I can dance, but it feels really good to do it. Liberating. Dancing is all about rhythm and the beat of the music. It takes less than three seconds to get in sync with one of Skrillex remixes. The speaker is so close that I can feel the thud in my body each time it hits the base.
My arms cross in the air over my head and my hips follow the music, swaying from right to left adding some sensuality to my move. I feel it in my heart, my lips carve a smile and this is it, that moment where I can allow myself to live again. I can dance and not be scared. I can drink whatever I want. I’m the boss, the one who makes decisions. Butterflies invade my body from my toes to the tip of my fingers and it’s an amazing feeling. I don’t want this night to end or this feeling to leave. Please.
Logan meets us on the dancefloor with a tray filled with shots—a mix of electric blue liquor and whipped cream. I have no idea what it is. We all take one, including Logan and Lennox. We fill our mouths with this blueberry-flavored cloud. It’s delicious and strong. The burning sensation goes down to my throat as I start dancing again. This is fun, so much fun. The boys start dancing too, mixing with Abbey and her friends. I’m happy that Matt or Lennox didn’t come to me. I don’t… I don’t want anything to do with the opposite sex. Not now.
I’ve been dancing by myself for a couple of minutes and I close my eyes while my body follows the rhythm of the music. Sweat is rolling down my back to the string of my barely there underwear. I need water or maybe soda, I’m very thirsty.
When I finally pull away to head to the bar, two hands grab me by the waist, I flinch and pull away. I’m pretty sure my blood has run cold and the fear is rushing in me like a fucking tsunami.
“Excuse me, miss, wo
uld you like to dance?”
I shake my head, fall over my heels but another set of arms catch me.
“She’s with me.”
“She didn’t look like she was with you when you had that blonde glued to your body.”
I take a small look at Lennox and I see rage. “She’s with me, let her go.”
His arms wrap around me, Lennox keeps me on my feet when all I want is to crumble to the floor and hide from all the wandering eyes.
The stranger leaves and I’m alone with Lennox, I want to thank him but I can’t even speak. A situation like this should have been nothing to me, but it scared the living shit out of me. This is the difference between someone normal and me. I’m damaged and unfixable.
“Come with me, I’ll get you something to drink.”
I nod. It’s all I can do.
He finds a spot for me to sit by the counter and he orders two double Jacks. Calm down, Lilly. It’s just Lennox now. Calm down. As soon as the waitress brings him the Jacks, he gives me one. I don’t hesitate before emptying the glass. I know this is stupid and completely inappropriate but I just want to numb everything.
“How are you feeling?”
I shrug.
“I guess you don’t have to tell me.”
“About the apartment you mentioned. Can I visit it, tomorrow?”
He smiles but he soon controls it. “Of course. Before noon, if you can.”
“Okay.” I answer fidgeting with my glass.
“Do you guys have everything you need?” The waitress asks Lennox and me. Lennox declines but I’m not so smart.
“I’ll have another one.” I can already feel myself slowly becoming numb.
“Lilly.” He says and I know exactly why. He can’t ask me to better control myself. Not tonight. I’ll be smart tomorrow.
“Lennox, don’t.”
Once I have my drink before me, I take it and refuse to waste a single drop of it. It doesn’t taste as good as the first one but that’s okay. I take a deep breath and I’m good to go back on the dance floor. At least, that’s what I think.
I see the group dancing and having fun and I try to reach them but I’m off balance. This is embarrassing, I didn’t drink that much. I’m walking slowly to make sure I’m stable before continuing on my way to my sister and brother. Maybe I should have had water. Once I reach them, I lock my arm with my sister’s but I think she’s worse than me. The only good thing for her is that she can handle it better.
My legs are getting heavy and unsteady, I’m pretty sure half of my brain has turned into jelly. The Jack Daniels is kicking me hard and I… I don’t know what to do. Dancing, it’s what I came here for. Every time I try to dance, I end up tripping or falling over my heels.
“Lilly.” His voice again. Am I hallucinating? “Lilly, I think it’s time to go home.”
“Nooo.” I protest like a five year old.
“Can you take her to my place?” Matt asks.
“I’ll take her to mine. You enjoy your night, brother.” Lennox answers before I trip and fall against his hard as steel chest.
“No, I’ll take a taxi home.” I disagree.
His arm is around my waist and he holds me close to his side, I don’t even know if my feet touch the ground. I feel so light and… dizzy. Before I know it, we’re outside and he lifts me into his warm arms.
The stars are spinning around and I feel like I’m going to fall. I hate this feeling.
“Sick. I’m gonna be sick.”
Shit. I help her on her feet again and she starts vomiting. This is not exactly what I expected tonight, not that I had many expectations but I thought she would be like her old self. You know, the girl who came into my office hiding her pretty face behind her hair—her very long brown hair. While she has loose clothes, I never anticipated seeing her curves like the ones I can now. The new hair and the new dress are making her shine.
Goddamn woman!
I always thought she was beautiful even when we were younger but now, she’s taking my breath away. Her shorter do, her dress, she looks confident and sexy but I know it’s just a mask. I saw how broken she is and I want to help her and save her from her demons.
While I rub her back and hold her hair, she’s probably regretting drinking so much. Maybe I shouldn’t have bought her a drink but after that man touched her, I thought she would run back home or something. I wanted to help her calm down. A mistake on my part.
“I think, I’m fine.”
The thing is before we enter my car, I want her to be a hundred percent sure she will not be sick again. I’m not really interested in having my car imprinted with vomit. I’ve been there before and I have no desire to go through that again.
“Are you sure?”
She nods, pulling her dress down to cover her thighs.
My arm finds her waist again. She flinches and I absolutely hate that so much.
“I would never hurt or touch you in a way that is not allowed, Lilly.”
She remains quiet and I dislike that as well.
Helping her inside the car, I notice the splatters of vomit on her dress and shoes. I’ll have to lend her some clothes. The idea of seeing her in my clothes pleases me immensely.
She doesn’t know and nobody else knows but I saw her once in Seattle when I visited some friends. She was grocery shopping with a guy, who I can only presume was her boyfriend, Dave. I wanted to say ‘hi’, but when I approached them, he looked at me and laced his arm around her, claiming her. I saw a glimpse of her smile and recognized Matthew in it. I was certain it was her. What threw me was how sad she looked. Her eyes were avoiding everyone around her but him. She never saw me and now I wish more than anything that she had.
I start driving while keeping my hand on her knee, not fully trusting her, I mean about the sick part. Thankfully, home is only a couple of miles away and I’m lucky enough to get there without any more incidents. She is asleep by the time I park the car and I can’t keep my eyes off her. I know it’s wrong.
Getting out of the car, I unlock the front door prior to picking her up but she doesn’t even react or wince when I lift her in my arms. She is fast asleep and smells like vomit.
She is lying on the guest room bed and I know I should change her clothes but I’m afraid she’s going to hate me in the morning. I’ve seen the pictures of her at the station and she was almost naked, it shouldn’t matter.
Removing her heels and placing them by the end of the bed, I know it’s only a matter of seconds before I have to get her out of that dress. If it wasn’t so dirty and smelly, I would let her sleep in it but this is bad and the smell is making me feel sick.
Running to my room, I get her one of my t-shirts before returning to her room. I undo the zip hiding on her back and figure that I have to pull it over her head.
“Lilly, can you hear me?” I have to try again for the sake of my own conscience. “Lilly, wake up, you have to change clothes.”
Apart from breathing, I get no reaction from her.
Pulling the dress over her head, I’m blushing at the sight of the black and barely there underwear. Shit. Once it’s completely off, I try not to look. Of course I want to because I’m an ass but I don’t out of respect for her. I rush with the T-shirt and pull it down her body. I finally breathe in. Did I even breathe the whole time? I place the covers over her small body and let her sleep in peace.
Back in the living room, I sit on my couch and rub my face with both hands.
“What the hell am I going to do now?” I say out loud.
It’s like I care for her more than I should. I haven’t spoken to her in years but there is something about her, pulling me to her. First, her beauty and second, just her. When I moved back to Spokane, Matthew told me that Lilly had been crushing on me for years. Maybe that’s the reason but I doubt it.
Despite seeing so much vomit, I find myself starving and make a sandwich. In all honesty, I don’t even care. I’ve seen so much worse on patrol. It doesn’t even
compete with vomit. I try shaking away my thoughts. Not tonight. I try to keep my memories very deep in my mind—kind of like in a bunker.
Eating my sandwich while watching a MMA match, I’m trying to relax and not think about the fact that Lilly is only a wall away from me. It shouldn’t distract me or I shouldn’t let it distract me. Lilly deserves someone who will take care of her and help her. I want to do this for her so bad but something tells me she isn’t exactly fond of me. Sometimes, I see something in her eyes that gives me hope—a light or maybe its happiness. Then other times all I see is darkness—like a thick black cloud. It worries me.
“Don’t Dave. Don’t touch me!” I hear her yell from the bedroom, right before she starts making choking sounds.
What the hell is going on in that room?
I run to her. I don’t know in what kind of state I’ll find her but I need to wake her up. It’s probably a nightmare.
“Lilly, wake up.” With both my hands, I shake her trying to wake her up. “Breathe, breathe, I’m begging you.”
She is still choking and kicking her feet as if she’s trying to defend herself. I love that she’s fighting so hard but I hate to see her like this.
“Lilly, you’re safe. Don’t be afraid. You’re safe here.”
Her legs start to lose power in her battle, she’s breathing better but tears are rolling down her cheeks and her small body is shaking.
“I’m afraid to love you,” she whispers and it brings so many questions. Who is she afraid to love? Dave? Can she still love him after everything he’s done?
“Lennox Love,” she says my name like Adele can sing a song. It’s the best damn thing I’ve ever heard. Nobody can say my name like her.
I should go, run away and pretend she never said anything. She’s not ready for me, for what I want to give her. She needs time to heal, to live. I have to step away and leave the room.
I’m afraid, I can’t.
CHAPTER SEVEN
What the hell is happening?
