by S. E. Babin
“What the—” Too much wine. Too much greasy food and too little sleep had her imagining things. She nudged the laptop with her bare foot just to make sure and then leaned forward to pick it up. She sat it on her coffee table, gave it one last long glance, shook her head and headed to the kitchen to see what other greasy fare she could scrounge up to keep her hangover fully in line.
And she wasn’t stepping a foot outside until she was one hundred percent sure Will was gone. In fact, she’d just stay inside until he moved. Easy enough, right?
* * * *
As it turned out, avoiding Will was easier said than done. He was always home! How in the world did he afford his home if he never worked? It was a definite strike on the don’t get too attached to Will list. She just had to figure out the other two strikes and she’d be set. Every time Katie peeked outside her window, Will would be there. She’d never met a man who spent so much time outside doing so much of nothing. Unless he was waiting for her. Katie grimaced at her over-egotistical assumption. After last night and this morning’s debacle, the odds were good he’d be staying far away for awhile.
And if he was waiting for her, he was going to be waiting much longer. She needed at least three years of non-contact after the pajama incident. Katie spent the next few hours inside, nursing her hangover and not writing. Instead, she contented herself to doing not much of anything except lounging around and watching reruns of America’s Next Top Model. This show was terrible. How many times could you dress someone up as a drag queen and expect people to keep watching anyway?
Disgusted, she grabbed the remote, turned the television off and stared at the ceiling. The laptop lay in her peripheral vision. So maybe the list would never materialize and bring her a new man. What it could do, though, was serve as the inspiration for her next novel.
She grinned, swung her feet around and sat up on the couch. She’d have to give Piper a wet, sloppy kiss next time she saw her for giving her the title to her new book.
“Plotting Mr. Perfect,” Katie whispered. She reached underneath the couch, pulled out her laptop desk, and brushed off the embarrassing amount of dust it had gathered from the months of non-use. She reached for the laptop, praying for no more electrical issues, and fired it up.
“All right, Mr. Perfect. Let’s see how awesome you really are after I get ahold of you!” Katie cracked her knuckles, pulled up the list, skimmed it again and opened a blank document.
It was time to see how perfect Mr. Perfect really was.
Chapter 4
It was official. Will had used every single possible excuse he could to be outside in order to catch another glimpse of Katie, but there hadn’t been a peep from her house. Seeing her fall into his window last night and the way she’d looked this morning had been both shocking and hilarious. There was something about Katie—her honesty, her temper—whatever it was, he couldn’t put his finger on it. But what he did know was that he wanted her. Bad.
He wasn’t the kind of man used to waiting. And he wasn’t the kind of man who made rash choices. He’d been waiting for a woman like Katie his entire life. It just so happened he was living right next door to her…and she didn’t have a clue how he felt.
Will lifted one edge of his curtains to peer at the side of her house. Her kitchen window was left ajar…again. It was something that set his teeth on edge even though he knew they lived in a relatively safe neighborhood. And it wasn’t like he could march up to her and start ordering her around. He wasn’t that kind of man, and she didn’t seem like the kind of woman who’d tolerate it. There was no motion from inside her house, leading Will to believe she was sleeping off the excesses of the night before.
He couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face. Heaven help him…it must have been some party last night. Occasionally he would hear shrieks of laughter, but overall he thought it was pretty tame. Until she got the harebrained idea to break into his house. And until she opened her door this morning. That’s when all of his assumptions flew right out the window and his heart melted just a little bit more for his hardheaded next-door neighbor.
He let the curtain drop, stretched the knots out of his shoulders, and crossed his kitchen into his formal dining room, now a home office. Working from home was a massive perk and one he’d worked hard for. He’d spent years saving and scrimping in order to start his T-shirt company, and now that it was running like a well-oiled machine, Will finally had the time to step back and relax a little bit while still reaping the spoils of his hard work.
Everyone told him not to bother. The witty slogans he came up with would never result in anything other than kudos from family and friends. But, my, how they were wrong. Evidenced by his next-door neighbor’s display of her Nerd Girls T-shirt—a slogan he came up with himself. What were the odds she’d be wearing one of his creations? Low indeed, but it showed she was blessed with fine taste in cotton goods. Hopefully, she had fantastic taste in men, too. Will grinned to himself, sat down in his executive chair and proceeded to catch up on emails, hoping soon he’d be able to catch Katie outside and engage her in conversation once again. Maybe without the clown face, but he’d take what he could get.
* * * *
“I’m a genius,” Katie pronounced as she sat staring at the screen of her computer. After months of poor productivity on the writing front, this list was exactly what she needed to get her creative juices going again.
Some of the traits were ridiculous. Bench press 250. Who cares? An orphan. What the hell? One of them was extremely callous…she just couldn’t remember if it was her. Scared of snakes. Ummm, so what would happen if there was ever a snake in the house? Would he run away screeching like a teenage girl? Maybe she should scratch that out and put scared of lions. That would be more reasonable and it was less likely a lion would ever show up inside of her house, thereby decreasing the chances of her possessing more testosterone than her boyfriend for that one event.
Well-endowed. Katie couldn’t argue with that. Over six feet four. She choked on her fourth cup of coffee. So she’d be dating Sasquatch? Sounded reasonable. She might have to invest in a neck brace for all the looking up her five-feet-two frame would be doing.
Her friends were awesome. Her drunk friends were diabolical. Shaking her head at their shenanigans, she typed the beginnings of Plotting Mr. Perfect.
As love stories go, it was average… Katie laughed out loud.
As love stories go, Jasmine decided it was good enough to shave her legs for.
“Story of my life, Jasmine!”
Deleting both lines, she tapped her fingers against her chin and thought. What was her perfect love story? Will’s black hair and topaz eyes fluttered in her mind for a second. She frowned.
“Get a life, Katie. The perfect man is blond, for crying out loud…and taller than Bigfoot. And possesses an exceptionally large penis. These are the things you should be thinking about!”
She forced Will’s image out of her mind. Immediately she began to think of Dolph Lundgren. Dear Lord. Was that who they were all thinking of when they came up with this list? She pictured his chiseled jaw and buzz cut with a shudder of distaste—and then came up with her first few lines.
As love stories go, Jasmine had known better. Yet what was true love without disappointment and pain? She didn’t know. But she planned to find out.
Happy with it for now, Katie settled in to tell the story of Jasmine, a veterinarian looking for her true love but failing miserably. It could be a story worthy of Katie’s own life, except lucky Jasmine would be the one to get the happy ending, and Katie would be the one to have the weekly hangover.
* * * *
The next morning Katie was feeling much more positive about life. Hours were spent sprawled across the couch writing yesterday about Leo, the perfect man, and Jasmine, the lonely veterinarian. Sparks were flying between them and not in a good way right now.
After a quick shower and hot mug of coffee, Katie was ready for a full day of writing. She grabbe
d her laptop case, and with a spring in her step headed for the door. A frantic knocking stopped her in her tracks. Peeking out the peephole, she saw Mel standing on the doorstep.
Katie set down her case and opened the door. Before she could open her mouth, Mel grabbed her by the shoulders and shoved her back, flinging herself inside of Katie’s house and slamming the door behind her.
“What the—Mel—”
Mel didn’t give her time to finish. “Katie! Why is there a naked man lying in your front yard?”
“A…what?”
Mel stared at her and enunciated slowly. “A. Naked. Man. Lying out there.” Mel reached one slim finger up and pointed outside.
Katie scoffed. “Mel. Don’t be ridiculous. Are you still hung over?”
Mel shook her head. “Katie, if you don’t get outside soon, you’re going to have the cops over here. I repeat. You have a very large, very tan, very handsome naked man lying out there. If I were you, I’d be the one to rescue him.”
Katie rolled her eyes, sighed and shook her head. Mel had a tendency for the dramatic, especially when it came to men, but this one took the cake. “I am not falling for this. Is this another attempt to set me up with some random rich boy? I swear, Mel. I’m too old for this.”
She picked up her laptop, smoothed down her hair, and opened the door only to find Will with an upraised hand poised to knock. A strange look rested on his face.
“Katie. Do you want to explain why there’s a naked dude lying in your front yard? I mean, if this is your idea of a good time, all you had to do was ask.”
Katie peeked around Will’s rather large form and saw him. “My, my,” she murmured.
“Is he dead?” Mel peeked around Katie’s shoulder.
She certainly hoped not. It’d be a shame for a specimen like that to be dead. She ventured off her porch and up to the prone figure. Mel was right. He was handsome. Blond, lean and long, Katie counted her blessings the genetic jackpot had chosen today to show up, albeit in a very bizarre way. She leaned down and studied his face. The man’s mouth was open. Wind from his breath blew the grass slightly. Katie turned her head to look at Mel. “He’s alive!”
Mel headed down the stairs while pulling out her cell phone. “I’m calling 911.”
Katie frantically gestured for her to put the phone down. There was something weird going on here. “No. Don’t. Let’s get him inside first.”
Will interjected, still standing on the porch with his arms crossed. “You want to take a naked stranger inside of your home? In what world does that seem safe?”
Katie glared at Will. “If we leave him outside, he’ll get hypothermia.”
Will glared back. “So let the EMTs take him to the hospital. He’ll get free Jell-O and warm blankets for as long as he needs it.”
“I admire how charitable you are, Will. If you’re not going to help me get him inside, then go home.”
A moment passed before Will responded. He walked down the stairs, stood next to Katie and Mel and gave her a long look.
“Good luck with getting him inside. I hope you’ve been eating your Wheaties.”
He turned around and walked toward his house, leaving Katie and Mel staring at him openmouthed.
“You ass!” Katie shouted.
“Naked men aren’t my specialty,” Will called back as he opened his front door. “Come get me if Kate Upton somehow lands in your yard unconscious.” He gave them a two-fingered salute and disappeared inside.
Mel snorted and broke out into gales of laughter. “Oh, my word. I like him.”
“I don’t,” Katie grumbled. “How the hell are we going to get him inside of my house?”
“Maybe if we ogled him enough, he’d suddenly teleport into your bedroom.”
“Har, har. You grab his legs, I’ll grab his arms.”
Mel gave her a dubious stare. “I just got my nails done.” She waggled her fingers and gestured to her clothes. “Plus, I can’t stay long. I have something important in the office to tend to.” Her gaze flicked away, and Katie stared at her a beat longer waiting for Mel to elaborate. When nothing was forthcoming, Katie focused on the task at hand.
“Mel! It’s freezing out here. We can’t just leave him outside.”
“Then call an ambulance as Will suggested.”
“Just. Help. Me.”
“Fine. But you are buying my coffee for a month straight.” Mel hoisted her purse higher on her shoulder and reached down to grab Mystery Man’s legs. Katie positioned herself by his head and grabbed him underneath the arms.
“Ready?” Katie asked.
“Wait. I’m enjoying the view.”
Katie couldn’t help it. She laughed. “And it’s cold outside. Can you imagine if he was warmed up?”
“No. No, I really can’t. You lucky little lady. Heave-ho, Katie girl.”
Both grunted with the effort of lifting Mystery Man, and after a few minutes of cursing, grumbling and repositioning, they managed to get him inside the house, where they dumped him unceremoniously on the couch. How he didn’t wake up was a mystery to them both, especially with the number of times they whacked his extremities against the porch and door.
Katie and Mel stood inside of the kitchen staring at him. A blanket covered his naughty parts, although neither of them could bear to cover up that golden expanse of chest.
“He must have had one hell of a bender,” Mel whispered, smoothing down her gray skirt and re-tucking in her disheveled blouse.
“Why are you whispering?” Katie whispered back.
“It seems rude to talk normal when someone is sleeping naked on your couch.”
“True,” Katie said. “I have to admit this is the first time anyone naked has ever slept on that couch. We’ve sullied it.”
“Sullied? I’m thinking more like we gave it an early Christmas present, kiddo.”
“I wish I had an early Christmas present like that.” Katie sighed.
“Every red-blooded woman in America wishes they had a present like that.”
Neither of them made any move to do anything else other than stare at him.
After a few more minutes of ogling, Katie piped up. “Does it seem pervy that we’ve been staring at him so long?”
“It’s only pervy if the person knows you’re staring.”
“I love your logic.”
Mel nudged her in the shoulder and grinned. “I’m here to serve.” She picked up the purse discarded on the counter and frowned. “Katie, I am so, so sorry, and you’re going to think I’m a horrible friend, but I can’t stay even a minute longer. I came over to see if you wanted to grab coffee and chat for a bit before I headed in to the office, but obviously no one can make plans with you because of your insane life.” She snickered and flicked her gaze over the man one more time. Concern brimmed in her eyes as she looked at Katie. “I don’t have the time to talk about it right now, but I absolutely can’t miss this work meeting.”
Panic flared in Katie’s heart. “You’re leaving me here? Alone? With him?”
Mel’s mouth twisted. “I have to. I’m sorry. Do you want me to call Piper?”
Katie thought about it for a minute. Piper was a good friend, but she never would have carried a naked man into Katie’s house without making a list of the pros and cons first. She shook her head. “I’m sure it’s fine,” she said. She looked at Mel. “Really. It will be fine.”
Mel’s mouth turned down for a moment before her eyes brightened and she started rummaging through her purse. “Look, take this.” She handed over a light device shaped like an L. Katie flipped it over in her hand, staring quizzically at it.
“It’s a Taser,” Mel said, exasperation in her voice. She took it from Katie, slipped it out of the holster and pointed it at the naked guy. “Flip this switch.” She pulled the switch on the handle down, exposing a red button. “Point it where you want it to hurt.” A red laser light appeared right over the mystery man’s naughty bits. “And then press the red button.”
With shaking hands, Katie took the Taser. “Do you think I’m going to need it?”
Mel looked at the sleeping man and shrugged. “Appearances can be deceiving. Probably not, but don’t take any chances.” She rummaged through her purse again and came up with a silver foil packet. She gestured for Katie to take it.
“Mel!” Katie screeched. “I am not going to need that.”
Mel grinned. “Look!” She waved the condom at Katie. “You have a tool for subduing and a tool for seduction. If he’s a freak, maybe you could use both.”
Katie rolled her eyes. “Not taking it. And eewww. You just managed to ruin my dinner for at least the next seven days.”
Mel put the offending packet back into her purse and zipped it up. “I always try to be prepared.” She tugged the strap back over her shoulder and hugged Katie. She checked her watch and cursed under her breath. “I really, really have to go.” She walked briskly to the door. “I can’t believe I actually get to say I carried an unconscious Adonis into a friend’s house and stared at him for the better part of an hour. You, my friend, have just allowed me to check off an item on my bucket list that I didn’t even know existed.”
Katie crossed her arms, her attention still trained on the sleeping figure. “I’m here to serve,” she murmured.
Mel dug her keys out of her purse. “I gotta go. Lots of important sciencey things waiting on me back at the university. Practice getting used to the Taser before he wakes up.”
