With his hands at the back of her thighs, he lifted her, her legs circling his waist, and it felt like he was consuming her. His hand was beneath her skirt, then between her legs, making her gasp against his mouth. His fingers were there, adding pressure, insistent, ready to slip beneath the thin layer of lace. It would have been so easy for him to do so, and Alex was very close to begging him to do just that, but at the mouth of the alley, someone kicked over a can, breaking up the haze they were under. Luka dropped her legs though he stayed close, and for once, that careful mask he wore was gone, replaced with one that looked like need.
He was so close that she could feel his erection through his jeans, and more than the heady kiss they’d just shared, this filled her with something more. She could almost forget what she had done with Snow.
But while there was need in his eyes, there also seemed to be a war raging inside of him. “What do you want from me?” he asked, his accent the thickest she had ever heard. The Russian inflections had drifted away, replaced with the one that she rarely heard. “You want me to fuck you, is that it?”
She withered beneath his words, the haze of lust dissipating. That wasn’t even close to what she wanted from him…and if that was all he saw, then maybe she had been wrong about him.
She meant to tell him to piss off, to take what little pride she had left and walk away, but she found herself answering his question honestly.
Tapping her finger against his chest before laying her palm flat, she felt the heat of him through his shirt and the strong beat of his heart. “I want to be in there. I want to matter to you the way you matter to me.” He opened his mouth, but she shook her head before he could say anything more. “I want to matter to somebody who doesn’t feel an obligation to love me.”
“Let me take you home, Alex,” he said after a moment’s silence.
That was both the last place and the only place she wanted to be. While she loved the sanctity of her own space, it was still just an empty room.
But it was better than begging him for five minutes of his attention.
Backing away, she folded her arms across her chest, looking away from him. She could still taste him on her lips, the ghost of his fingers on her skin. She didn’t want to let go of that feeling, not yet.
“I can get home on my own.”
“You’re drunk and it’s late. Let’s go.”
All of the fight drained out of her, so instead of arguing, she followed him to his Jeep.
Closing her eyes, she held onto her high for as long as she could, knowing that the moment she came down, she was going to miss it. They stayed closed even after they pulled off and he expertly navigated them back to her place.
It might have only felt like moments to her, but they were already back at her building, but instead of Luka just telling her to get out, he killed the engine and circled around to her side. Without a word, he helped her out, sweeping her off her feet as he carried her through the lobby and into the elevator. She laid her head against his chest, listening to the calming rhythm of his heart.
He let them in with his key, closing the door with his foot as he brought them into her bedroom where he deposited her on the bed.
“Let’s get your shoes off.”
His voice was low for once, lacking any emotion that she could find, but that might have been because everything was slowly starting to turn into a vortex.
Alex didn’t remember if she had stretched her legs out for him, but she did feel his touch as he took them off one at a time. With an arm going around her, he carefully pulled her to her feet as he undressed her, leaving her clothes in the chaos on the floor.
His touch was almost hesitant as he turned her back to face him, his gaze lingering on her body.
Smiling at him almost sadly, she asked, “This is what I’m good for, no?”
“Of course not.”
But she wasn’t listening to him. “A pretty face, but not much more.”
He cupped her face, forcing her to focus on him. “You can’t believe that.” When she tried pulling away, he held tighter. “How much have you had to drink?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Talk to me. Tell me what it is.”
She didn’t realize she was crying until he swiped her tears away with his thumbs. “There’s nothing here for me anymore.”
“I’m here.” His response was immediate and heartfelt.
“I can still leave.”
“And I would bring you back.”
“Even if I was happy somewhere else?”
He swallowed, his eyes drifting over her face. “If I truly believed that, then I would let you go, but you would be leaving because you’re running from something here. Let me make you happy here.”
She laughed without humor, pulling out of his hold. “You can’t fix me, Luka.”
“No, I can’t. Only you can fix yourself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to make you happy. That’s the only thing I want.”
Climbing back onto the bed, she let his words play through her mind, her face sinking into the soft pillow at the head of her bed.
She reached for him, wondering if he would accept what she was offering, and when he did, she didn’t ruin in by speaking, just held onto him as she closed her eyes, willing the sleep to come.
____
Nausea had a way of sneaking up on someone. When awake, at least, one could be prepared for the consequences of imbibing too much, rushing to the nearest available spot to purge, but lost in sleep, it was a little worse because the alcohol was still swimming around, and it was harder to function properly. But this wasn’t Alex’s first time, nor, probably, would it be her last.
Her eyes opened slowly, as though they had a mind of their own, but even as the world spun in front of her, just as her stomach was doing, she knew what was to come. Clamping a hand over her mouth just in case, Alex moved as quickly as she could out of the bed, stumbling into just about everything in the near vicinity as she hurried to the bathroom, barely making it to her knees before she was throwing up everything in her body. Even as she did it, she had to lift her face occasionally, flushing the toilet so the stench wouldn’t make her gag more.
Alex groaned, but at least the spinning was slowing down enough that she could almost see her own hand in front of her. She flushed again, leaning back against the wall so the coolness of it could seep into her pores and cool her down. She was practically sweating everywhere, but after a few minutes of just sitting and breathing, that finally subsided as well.
She took her time pushing to her feet, heading for the sink as she propped herself against the edge of it, reaching for her bottle of mouthwash first, then brushing her teeth with as much vigor as she could. Finished, she splashed water on her face, drying off with a towel nearby. When she looked at her reflection in the mirror, she cringed.
Worse. It was worse than she had been expecting.
She put a hand to her face hoping that maybe, the person staring back at her was a stranger, but she wasn’t that lucky. Her eyes were bloodshot, though she had gotten used to this sight with the weeks she’d been drinking her nights away, and the bags under them looked like they were constantly growing. Except, the one thing that wasn’t growing on her was everything else. She looked thinner, her collarbone more pronounced, the angles of her face more severe.
Now that she thought about it, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten anything that could even remotely be considered a meal.
Grabbing a pair of tiny shorts and a tank top that was on her floor and looked moderately clean, she headed out to her kitchen, not bothering to turn on any lights on the way. Yanking the refrigerator door open, she frowned at the contents. Nothing even remotely edible. She contemplated ordering out, running through the time it would take them to get there, when she thought of something a little more important.
Alex hadn’t realized her hand was shaking until she raised it to run her fingers through her hair. She had easily g
one days without seeing Snow in the past, maybe even longer, but now that her mind had fixated on what he could give her, she couldn’t think about going another ten minutes without seeing him.
Snow was going to be pissed at what she’d done yesterday, would probably act like a dick about it, but she didn’t really have any other option.
Biting her nail, she was hurrying back to her room when a noise from the couch made her jump, her eyes darting to the person who was now swinging their legs around and dropping their feet to the floor.
Shit, she’d forgotten that Luka had crashed at her house, though she thought she remembered him actually in the bed with her. Now that she definitely didn’t agree to, and while any other time she might have pretended to be annoyed, this time she actually was. Undoubtedly, he would start asking her questions that she didn’t want to answer, and if she said something he didn’t like, that would just make it more difficult for her to leave.
She really didn’t need this shit now.
“Luka, you’re up. Uh, cool. I’m heading across the city to meet with a friend. If you want, you can crash here and I’ll see you later.”
When she was done speaking, she pressed her lips together, wondering why she had opened her mouth at all, because with the way he was looking at her now, he could definitely tell something was up.
“Who?”
She waved a hand, hoping to recover from her fuck up. “You wouldn’t know them. Not Bratva related.”
He stood, moving around the couch until he was in front of her, his gaze trained on her face. Hers, however, focused on his chest and not because she was checking him out. She was afraid of what he would say if he saw the truth, as she knew he would.
“Give me a name and I’ll tell you if I do.”
Her eyes darted, trying to come up with an answer that would be good enough for him, but since she hadn’t expected to be questioned, she was a little slow in producing one.
She lifted her hand, wanting to shove her hair out of her face, but seeing them shaking again just made her ball it into a fist. “John.”
“John?”
“Yeah, just John.”
It was beyond obvious that Luka didn’t believe a word she was saying, but as that churning in her gut grew worse, she was starting not to care that he didn’t believe her, and was more concerned with getting him out of there so she could leave.
Choosing not to stand there as he deciphered her words, she shouldered past him, on her way to her room, but it was never that easy with Luka, and it hadn’t been her words he’d been trying to make sense of, but her altogether.
He grabbed her from behind, his hand fisting the fabric of her shirt as he gave it a sharp tug, spinning her around, his hand gripping her jaw so she couldn’t turn away. His eyes darted as he scanned her face, looking for what, she didn’t know.
His frown grew more apparent, his grip tightening slightly. “What are you on?”
Alex couldn’t help it. She laughed a little. It wasn’t that the question was particularly funny, but because she didn’t actually know what she was on, or at least some of it. She could have listed what she drank when she was still here, but when she was in the compound with Snow, it was all a mystery.
Despite the growing anger in his face, she decided to answer honestly. “A little bit of everything.” The look on his face had her shaking her head. “But don’t worry, even if I hadn’t’ve been high last night, I still would have done it. Maybe not now, but eventually. It feels like that’s where we’re going to end up at some point, don’t you think?”
Ignoring that, he asked, “Tell me…what are you taking?”
“I think I answered that. Now, are you going to be long about this? I have somewhere to go.”
“This is where you’ve been going, why you’re not at home? Who’s giving this shit to you anyway?”
She smiled a secretive smile, wagging her finger. “A friend.”
“Don’t fuck with me, Alex.”
No longer finding him amusing, she pulled free of him, frowning. “Back off, Luka. I don’t owe you anything, and the last time I checked, we’re not family, nor are you fucking me. That means you don’t get to tell me what to do.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you and the fact that you’re drowning in whatever the fuck this is.”
“I appreciate it, and if I weren’t late, I would stick around to discuss this more, but I’m in a rush, so…Seriously,” she said when he didn’t move. “I’m fine. I know I said I’d never call you again, but if something’s up, you’ll be the first person I call, okay?”
When his phone rang, she took this as her opportunity to get away from him. It was obvious that he wanted to stop her, but he couldn’t ignore the call, not when it was his boss.
“You can let yourself out, Luka.”
She was glad that she was able to escape without further hassle, but she didn’t realize just how hard it had been for him to watch her go.
_____
Three pills, a fifth of vodka, and a number of other things that Alex really didn’t want to think about later, she felt like shit. Not just physically, though that too since it felt like she could hardly keep her eyes open, but emotionally as well, especially since that scene with Luka earlier.
She didn’t want to admit that things were spiraling out of control any more than she wanted to admit that now she was officially trading her body for drugs.
Just another thing to add to her list of fuck-ups.
A part of her felt like crying because she was doing this to herself, that she had a choice in the matter, but the other part enjoyed the pain she was putting herself through because she deserved it. She had been given so many choices, so many opportunities to go a different route, but every time, she chose wrong.
Her phone was in her hand, pills in the other, and all the others who were partying around her seemed oblivious to her inner turmoil. Here again, she was presented with two options.
She could call Luka, admit that she wasn’t dealing well and she knew, no matter how she felt about his relationship with Natasha, that he would be there and help in his own way. But her other option was easier. She could take the pills, sink into oblivion, and confront the problem another day.
Dropping the phone on the bed, she frowned even as she lifted her hand, taking them all instead of rationing. Had there ever really been a choice?
15
____
Death is Knocking
Mishca arched a brow, staring Luka down. “Do I have to tell you how to do your job?”
Though his hand twitched with urges of a time long past, Luka merely nodded, conceding to what Mishca was saying to him. There was something going on with the Bratva boss that Luka wasn’t understanding at the moment. Ever since he’d gotten back from Italy, he’d become a bit of a dictator, and while their relationship had always been rather easy before, now it was as if he was deliberately trying to push Luka’s buttons to get a rise out of him.
There was only once when Luka’s careful control had slipped, the night when Vlad was killed. More than the others who stained his conscience, Luka wouldn’t be forgetting the former enforcer’s death anytime soon, especially since it had come by his own hand. Clear as day, he could still remember lifting the gun, firing off the rounds that killed him almost instantaneously as if it was second nature. At the time, it hadn’t mattered that he had known Vlad for a couple of years and might have considered the older man someone he was close to. Ultimately, he’d had to make a choice between adding another haunting memory or saving a friend from the same thing, only Luka knew that it wouldn’t have been the same. Mishca had cared for Vlad in a way that would have broken him if he’d been the one to take his life.
Not many understood the sacrifice of what it meant to take a life. Sure, some could forget the names and faces of people they ended, but Luka wasn’t one of them, and more importantly, he didn’t want to be. He liked having the reminder, knowing that during his every
waking moment, he wasn’t a good person. He needed to remember who he was.
But after the deed was done, whenever he had to kill someone for a job, he needed his time to unwind or else everything came bubbling to the surface, and he was afraid that once that part of him ran loose again, he wouldn’t be able to contain it. That was why when Mishca had struck out against him, just moments after he’d done him a favor, Luka had reacted the way he had, breaking the former Bratva captain’s finger. His rage had been sudden and overwhelming, but before he could act on it any further—though the satisfying crunch of bone beneath his hand had made him miss the Pit—he’d walked away, using Natasha to work through the darker urges that were consuming him.
For the moment, he pushed it back, ignoring his baser needs. Mishca was his friend, the closest thing he had to a brother. He wouldn’t hurt him. At least not intentionally, but the only thing on his mind at present was tracking down Alex and getting to the bottom of whatever was up with her.
Last night…
He didn’t think he had ever seen her so broken down.
There’s no place for me here anymore.
Those words haunted him because if that was the way she truly felt, then he hadn’t been doing a good job of showing her exactly how important she was to him.
Did she not know he lived for the way she used to smile at him just because it was him?
Did she not know that making her laugh, seeing the way she used to light up around him, was one of the reasons he loved being around her?
Because it made him feel like he was something more than a killer.
“We done?”
But he didn’t bother to stick around for Mishca’s answer, leaving his office.
Tossing the duffel over his shoulder, Luka headed out into the night, his step faltering as he caught sight of the one person he really didn’t feel like encountering. He was an unwelcome sight, not just because of the resentment the guy held toward Luka, but because he was a reminder of a past better left forgotten.
Klaus Volkov, or Red, if you were unfortunate enough to become one of his marks, was the brother of Mishca, though that was abundantly clear since the pair were twins. But while they looked alike, their personalities were polar opposites.
Hidden Monsters (Volkov Bratva Book 4) Page 9
