by C. L. Ryder
“I’m fighting, the best I know how to,” she replied.
Bethany took another long sip from her glass and gazed ahead, silent. Jane studied her face, drinking her in slowly. Jane could see that beneath looks that some might’ve mistaken for innocence, Bethany had the marks of experience. She had a toughness in her eyes that was unmistakable. Of course, Jane had seen it during their boxing matches, but now she knew that it was more than just fighting spirit developed in the ring—it was a callousness that could only be gained from the toughness of real life.
“What are you thinking about?” Jane asked, finally.
Bethany blinked and swallowed the rest of her gin and tonic. She shook the glass and looked at it, seemingly surprised that she’d finished it so fast.
“Here, let me get you another,” Jane said, taking the glass from her. She swigged down the rest of her own, and then went back to the kitchen. “So, what are you thinking about? You looked far off there, for a moment.”
“Yeah,” Bethany said. “You remember last time, when I asked if you’ve ever wondered about the direction your life has taken you?”
“Yeah, I do. In fact, I remember you zoning out that time too. Déjà vu.”
“Have you ever wondered if you still really cared about what you were fighting for? Or if you were just doing it because you’d never stopped to give a second thought to if it’s actually what you still want? And if it’s too late to change?”
Jane’s heart flipped. “Yeah. I know it pretty well,” she said quietly. It’s happening to me right now.
“I’m fighting to save my business,” Bethany said. “It’s always been the most important thing in my life. But recently… I’ve been wondering if maybe there’s something else I’m missing.”
“Like what?”
Bethany sat back into the cushions and pushed her fingers through her hair. She sighed. “I don’t know. Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m talking about. Maybe I’m a little tipsy.”
“That’s okay,” Jane said, with a chuckle. “Don’t worry about it. Here.” She went back over to the couch and handed Bethany the drink. “Let’s just enjoy these, huh? We don’t need to talk about heavy stuff. It’s our second time hanging out, anyway.” She smiled at her, and the way that Bethany looked back at her made her heart pound just a little faster. There was something in that glance, but it only seemed to last for a brief moment.
“Thanks,” Bethany said. “You know… I’m really glad we met.”
“Me too, Bethany,” Jane said, meeting her brief gaze. The two of them sipped their drinks, a moment of comfortable silence draping over them.
After a little while, Jane spoke first. “My best friend, he got married shortly after he and I started the business together. His relationship was never something that phased me. Never wanted that for myself. My work was enough.”
Bethany looked over at him, her eyes inquisitive.
“It was the same when he had his daughter,” Jane continued, smiling thoughtfully. “Awesome little girl. Just a delight to be around. Still, it never once made me think I’d want one for myself someday. I never had any pause, no second guessing, nothing. My mind was on my work. But just recently, for the first time ever—things felt different. I found myself wishing I could have that.”
“A husband and kid?” Bethany asked evenly.
Jane paused and shifted in her seat, unsure how to answer. Complete truth?
I have to.
“I’m gay,” she said, with a smile. “So not quite.”
“You are?” Bethany asked. Jane caught the surprise that flicked across her face. Was I wrong about her? Shit.
“Sorry, does that make you uncomfortable?”
Now Bethany’s surprise was unhidden. “No,” she said, straightening. “I’m just… I mean, I suspected, but I didn’t want to assume.”
Jane’s heart was pounding fast. I shouldn’t have assumed either. Jane had thought she’d sensed something there, some spark… but she could’ve been wrong. She didn’t want to push her away.
“I’m thirty-three,” Jane said. “Five years ago, my company was getting off the ground. In another five years, I’ll be thirty-eight. If I wait to start a family then, would it be too late? Would I even be able to find someone?”
“Of course you would,” Bethany said. “Why wouldn’t you be able to? You’re successful, you’re nice, you’re gorgeous…” Her eyes went wide, and she quickly put her face into her glass and drank.
Jane blinked. “Thanks,” she said. She set her glass down onto the side table by the couch, and moved just ever so slightly closer towards Bethany. “That’s kind of you to say.”
“Mm,” Bethany mumbled, her face turning red.
“But those things don’t necessarily mean I could meet someone I’d want to start a family with,” Jane said.
“That’s true,” said Bethany. “It is rare to meet someone who you have a connection with...”
“It is. Especially for women like us,” Jane replied. She moved a little closer still. “Focused on business. No time for anything else in our lives.”
“Our business is our lives. We don’t need anyone or anything else.” Bethany’s gaze locked with her now, and it seemed to be drawing her in, moving her body closer so that they were just a hand’s distance apart. Jane’s heart was beating so fast she thought she’d see stars—or maybe white flowers.
“That’s right,” Jane said. She could smell the faint floral aroma of Bethany’s skin. “They’d only be…”
“…a distraction,” Bethany finished.
It was more than just gin intoxicating them. Jane reached out and drew her hand around the back of Bethany’s neck, gently and slowly. She felt Bethany tense up for a moment, but quickly melt into her grasp, moving forward to meet her. Their lips touched for just the lightest of kisses, but it still managed to put a shock through Jane’s body.
They came together again for a longer, deeper kiss. Bethany’s mind up until that moment had been a flurried mess of conflicting emotions, with a driving desire that pushed and urged her towards giving herself to Jane. She gave herself to the kiss, and felt her mind go completely numb. She was unable to think about anything except the fact that this was happening. This was really happening.
Then her functions returned.
They separated. Bethany’s chest pumped up and down, her body trying to catch up with the racing of her heart. Holy shit. Holy shit.
“Wow,” she whispered.
“Wow,” Jane agreed.
“I wasn’t expecting that at all,” Bethany admitted.
“I wasn’t either. But I won’t say I wasn’t thinking about it. Were you?”
Bethany drew in a long breath. She looked flustered. Over the past week, she’d spent nearly every day convincing and reminding herself that she only saw Jane as a friend, and that she’d never let those feelings go any further than that. But it’d all crumpled in an instant.
“I don’t know,” Bethany said. “I don’t really know.”
Jane frowned. “Are you alright?”
“I’m alright,” Bethany said. Her voice was distant, airy. “I… I like you, Jane. I just need some time to comprehend what just happened.”
“Alright,” Jane said. “Of course.”
Bethany stood up and put her drink on the side table. “Thanks for the drink,” she said, smiling. “I should go.”
Jane thought about trying to convince her to stay, but…
“Okay.”
Bethany walked for the front door, and Jane followed behind. “Hold on,” she said, and Bethany turned around. “We’re going to see each other again, right? Outside of class, I mean.”
Bethany laughed. “Yeah. I’m sorry, Jane. I just need some time to myself. I don’t regret what just happened between us at all. Let me give you my number…”
They exchanged numbers, and Jane stood in the doorway and watched as Bethany walked down the steps to the driveway. At her car, Bethany turned and gave
Jane a small wave before getting in and driving away.
Jane exhaled a long sigh. She held her hands up in front of her face—they were trembling.
I risked it all, she thought. But was it worth it? Did I just make a huge mistake?
She shut the door. She was unable to come up with an answer.
Nine
Bethany sat in the car out in the driveway in front of her house, hands still on the wheel, seatbelt still buckled. Her mind swirled with happiness and conflict over what had just happened between them.
Happiness, because deep inside, she had wanted it. Conflict, because she still couldn’t fully accept it.
Her heart pounded, the moment replaying over and over in her mind. The soft touch of Jane’s lips… the taste of them. She could feel the warmth of her skin against her cheek, the feeling of her palm around the back of her neck, the lingering fragrance of her perfume.
She felt dizzy, and a surge of warm excitement traveled down between her legs, causing her sex to ache with each new and vivid recollection of the moment between them.
You don’t want to pursue this, a voice in the back of her mind said. It seemed much further away than it had before. Quieter. Less sure.
The memory circled on in her mind’s eye. She was unable to stop replaying it—no—she didn’t want to stop replaying it.
If I don’t want to pursue this, she thought, then why do I want to do this so badly…?
With a trembling, hesitant hand, Bethany reached down and slowly slowly slipped her fingers beneath the waistband of her underwear. She bit her lip, and then released a long sigh she made contact.
I do want this…
“Oh…”
She used every ounce of recollection she had to put her memories in overdrive. She closed her eyes, bringing Jane’s aroma into focus—that gorgeous, delicious scent forever engrained into Bethany’s memory as her. She brought her lips back to hers, and felt their softness, their fullness, the way they drew her in and kept her wanting more.
More…
She imagined her lips exploring down to her neck, then lower, and lower.
Down…
She imagined her hands—those delicate, yet powerful hands—now no longer striking her but caressing her, grasping at her body and removing her clothes. They’d go down there first, she imagined. Exploring, probing… and then her lips next. Down…and around…
“Oh, God…” Bethany murmured, her fingers moving faster. She tensed, the seatbelt straining against her breasts as the orgasm tore through her.
The haze of climax hung over her, and she sat there for a short while basking in its afterglow.
“Shit,” she sighed, tossing her head back onto the headrest. She made a quick look around to make sure she hadn’t just put on a show for any of her neighbors, but it was night, and she was in the driveway blocked by the large bougainvillea bush that grew along the sides of her property. She was alone. She carefully unbuckled the seatbelt and went inside, her legs feeling weak.
After a long shower, Bethany went straight to bed, but she found herself wide-awake, her mind still vividly reliving that kiss.
When she finally slept, she fell into a vivid dream that felt as real as waking life.
She was sitting at the dining table in the kitchen of her house, watching Mom working on something at the sink. Mom’s back was to her, and she couldn’t see her face nor could she see what she was doing.
“I don’t know if I can do this, Mom,” Bethany said. She spoke to her with a normality as if she’d hadn’t been gone.
“Do you like her?” Mom asked. “Do you want to be with her?”
“I don’t know.”
“Bethany, come on. You do know. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself. What’s holding you back?”
“I’m… afraid,” she admitted.
“Since when have you been afraid of anything?”
“I am now.”
“Because?”
She shook her head.
“Don’t say you don’t know,” she scolded.
Bethany smiled. “I have so much work to do. So much is at stake…”
“Such as? What could be more important than your own happiness?”
“Mom, you know what’s at stake. Our legacy. Your memory. Dad’s memory.”
Mom laughed, and Bethany saw a glint of the silver earrings she always wore. She loved those earrings. “Do you remember what I told you?”
Bethany nodded. A wave of gloom seemed to come over her dream. The golden sunlight that streamed through the kitchen window and basked her mother in a warm glow faded, as if grey clouds had passed overhead.
“Pick your battles, Bethany. Don’t tie yourself up in the past. Whatever is tied up to that old place, it exists in you. Those memories won’t go away just because the café does. If it can’t be saved, you’ll regret missing out on an opportunity to create new memories. Your memories.”
Bethany said nothing, and gazed at her mother’s thick, golden hair that hung down over her neck in a ponytail. She felt a tightness deep in her chest begin to loosen, just a little bit.
Then Mom turned around. Her face was as radiant and beautiful as Bethany remembered it, and her smile wrapped her up in a warmth that was as pleasant and safe as her embrace. In her hands, Mom held a bouquet of white roses, delicately arranged in a crystal vase.
“Still haven’t convinced you yet, have I?” she asked, walking over to the table. She set the bouquet down in front of her. “It’s okay. You’ll get there when you’re ready. You always have. Just don’t forget your own happiness.”
She leaned over and kissed Bethany on the forehead, and her dream faded into dark sleep.
“You look fucked up,” Marcos said, his arms crossed tightly over his chest.
“Rough sleep last night,” Bethany said as she made a cappuccino for a customer.
“Thinking about her?” came Jackson’s voice from the kitchen. “You were, weren’t you? Did you see her again last night?”
“Last night…” Marcos said, processing this information. “Holy shit, is that why you didn’t get any sleep?”
“No! I mean, yes. But, no. What’s going through that perverted mind of yours? Here.” Bethany put the cappuccino on a tray and gave it to Marcos. “Take this out, will you?”
“Sure, boss,” Marcos said with a little smirk, and took the tray.
“So, what happened?” Jackson asked.
Bethany sighed. “I saw her at boxing class again…”
“And?”
“And… I went back to her place for a drink afterwards.”
“And?” He leaned in, his eyes wide.
Bethany twiddled her thumbs. “We kissed.”
“Ho-ly shit!” Jackson squeaked.
“What?” Marcos asked, coming back behind the counter. “What did I miss?”
“They kissed,” Jackson said, jerking his thumb at Bethany.
“Oh, shit, I knew it! You guys did a little…” He pumped his hips. “Or, how do girls do it with each other?” He waggled his tongue. “Like this? Anyway, go Bethany!”
Bethany ignored him. “I left after that.”
“Are you going to see her again?” Jackson asked. “You are, right?”
“I think so. Yeah. I want to, but there’s something holding me back.
Jackson eyed her. Bethany knew right away that he knew. After all, they’d discussed it before.
“The café,” Jackson said.
“The café?” asked Marcos.
“The café,” Bethany said.
Marcos frowned. “Holding you back? What do you mean?”
Marcos had been around from the beginning and was just as protective of the shop as Bethany was. Bethany knew that Jackson eventually could find work elsewhere. He was young, capable and had the attitude, but Marcos was older, stubborn and inflexible. Asides from keeping her parent’s legacy alive, the biggest reason why Bethany was fighting so hard was to protect the jobs of her two closest frie
nds. No, they were more than friends, they were family. She’d already had to let go of so many others who she considered to be close, who she’d grown up knowing and working alongside.
“You know,” Bethany said, “I don’t know if I’ve ever asked you two this question, but… what are your dreams?”
