by S. H. Kolee
Jackson grasped my arms. "So there have been past relationships."
I made a sound of frustration, pushing at his shoulders so that I could put some distance between us, but it was like a fly batting against a mountain. Jackson's mouth tightened as he pinned me with his gaze. "I need to know everything about you, Emma. It's driving me crazy not knowing whether you've been with other men while we've been apart."
"When did you get this controlling?" It wasn't a rhetorical question. I genuinely wanted to know what had happened to Jackson to make him so tyrannical at times. It was as if the old sweet Jackson had been melded with a new Jackson that needed to control everything.
"I've spent a lot of years feeling out of control. I swore that if I ever got you back, I wouldn't let anything come between us. And right now, the idea of you with other men is definitely coming between us."
"What do you want me to say?" I cried out, reaching my breaking point. "That I was a nun and never let another man touch me? I guess then it's safe to say that you were celibate all these years. Admirable, considering how many pictures I saw of you with women draped all over you!"
Jackson's expression was grim as his eyes bored into me. "Fine, I'll go first. Have I fucked other women? I have. It's pretty easy when everyone is eager to spread their legs for me. I took what was offered, although not nearly as much as I could have. But the real question is, who was I thinking about when I was fucking those other women? I was imagining your face, your body, pretending that it was you. It was the only way I could get off. Do you know how many times I've had a woman slap me because I called her Emma in the middle of sex? It's even worse when the woman is so desperate to bed me that she doesn't care that I call her by the wrong name."
Revulsion swept through me as tears welled in my eyes. What had happened to my beautiful Jackson that was so full of love and light? He had been replaced with a man that had no problem telling me how he had fucked me by proxy.
"That's sick," I whispered. "I don't want to hear anymore." I turned away, trying to pull out of his grasp but he held tight.
"Not so fast," Jackson said in a soft dangerous voice. "It's your turn."
"Do you want to hear that I slept with other men? Fine, I've slept with other men." My voice was trembling, sadness and anger warring with each other. "Do you want to know if I enjoyed it? Yes, I enjoyed it. Did it compare to what I felt with you? No, it's like comparing a flashlight to the sun. Are you satisfied now?"
Jackson closed his eyes, his mouth twisting as he swallowed hard. He looked furious when he opened his eyes. "How many?" he bit out.
"You said you would never hurt me again," I whispered, unable to hold in my tears anymore. "You're hurting me, Jackson. And you're destroying any chance we have."
The anger on Jackson's face was replaced with terror as he clutched me closer, looking desperate. "Emma, I'm not doing this to hurt you. I just-" Jackson stopped and bowed his head, not looking at me. "I don't know what happened to me. I've become fucked up. I've been fucked up since you left me, but now that you're back in my life, I can't seem to stop being fucked up." He raised his head, looking vulnerable and sad. "Help me, sweetheart. You're the only one that can save me from myself."
My heart surged as I cradled Jackson's head in my hands and pulled him towards me, my lips brushing against his cheek. "You're not fucked up. You're Jackson Reynard, Hollywood heartthrob and movie star. Any woman would be lucky to be with you."
"Including you?"
"Especially me," I whispered. My lips moved over to his mouth, showering him with light gentle kisses. "I get to see the man behind the fame. And he's even more amazing than anyone could imagine. I love you, Jackson."
Jackson groaned, crushing me to him as he increased the pressure of our kiss. We fumbled our way into the bedroom, shedding clothes along the way. I showed Jackson with my body how much I loved him, telling him without words that no man could compare to him. In return, Jackson made me feel cherished and loved.
Afterwards, in the quiet intimacy after our lovemaking, we promised each other that whatever we had done in the past didn't matter. I fell asleep in Jackson's arms, feeling content and peaceful.
The next morning, Jackson dropped the New York Post on the breakfast table along with the bagels he had run out to get. "Check page six."
I warily opened the newspaper and gulped when I saw that a large picture of us in an embrace on the dance floor dominated the page. The intensity of our expressions was clear as day, my arms wrapped around Jackson's arms as he gazed down at me hungrily. The caption read "Jackson Reynard and Emma Mills looking cozy on the dance floor."
In addition to the picture, there was a short article beneath it and I read it with bated breath.
Jackson Reynard burned up the dance floor with date, Emma Mills, at the launch of Marc Bradley's new lounge, Hydra. With all the press about Reynard's recent split with Candace Stile, we were surprised that he would make such a public appearance. Then again, Reynard has been surprising us all lately, with his candor about his relationship with Mills. Reynard is known for keeping his private life out of the public eye, but long-lost flame Mills seems to be bringing out a new side to him. Partygoers reported that they were inseparable at Hydra and couldn't take their eyes off each other.
"It's so weird to read about myself in the paper." I studied Jackson. "Do you ever get used to it?"
"Honestly, I rarely ever pay attention to it. There's so much garbage out there, most of it manufactured." Jackson looked grim as he continued. "It's different now that you're involved. I felt like pummeling every reporter I could find when I read the stories they wrote about you when news first broke about us."
I smiled, covering Jackson's fist on the table with my hand. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I'd prefer it if you kept your fist out of range of reporters' faces. They're not worth it."
Jackson nodded but looked unconvinced. I distracted him by opening the bag of bagels, pulling out an egg bagel which I knew was his favorite. "Do you want yours toasted?"
"No, thanks." Jackson's eyes lit up when I pulled out the tub of cream cheese, looking over at me suggestively. I burst out laughing at his lascivious expression.
"Not today. I'm still sore from last night. We'll have to postpone using the cream cheese indecently."
Jackson looked disappointed, but a corner of his mouth lifted up in a smile. "I'll hold you to that." Jackson grabbed a cinnamon raison bagel that was already cut in half from the bag and started spreading a thin layer of cream cheese on top.
"What do you want to do today?"
I watched as Jackson finished spreading the cream cheese and placed it on a plate that I had brought out from the kitchen earlier, pushing it towards me. Despite all the changes in Jackson, he was still as sweet and considerate as ever, remembering what I liked and always thinking of me first. The core of Jackson was still the same.
I bit into my bagel as Jackson started spreading most of the cream cheese left in the tub on his bagel. I had an idea but I didn't know how receptive Jackson would be to it.
"Why don't we redecorate your place today?"
Jackson stilled, and then slowly lowered his bagel. "What do you mean?"
"Jackson, we're starting fresh. I don't want the ghosts of our past ruining our future. I don't think it's a good idea to keep your apartment like a shrine to what we were like five years ago. We don't need that anymore. We have each other today."
Jackson smiled slowly, his happiness making my soul feel full. "I guess we could do a little redecorating today."
It was just a start, but we spent the day buying small things that changed the feeling of Jackson's apartment. New curtains and a rug made the living room look updated, and a new bedspread in a lighter color make the bedroom brighter. Jackson protested when I wanted to get rid of the pictures of me on the dresser, but we compromised by putting one picture of us on top instead. Jackson had been surprised when I had pulled out the picture of us embracing on top of the Emp
ire State building that I had brought from my apartment. The one that used to sit on my desk at Mass Comm. I hadn't been able to get rid of it, a memory of a perfect day. I had spent hours staring at that picture over the past five years, wondering if we were truly happy in that moment. I had tortured myself, wondering if Jackson had slept with Claire that day, if that had been why he looked so luminescent and happy.
However, Jackson and I had promised each other last night that the past no longer mattered. And I was going to stay true to that promise. I had told Trisha that I was going to ask Jackson why he had cheated on me with Claire, but last night I had decided to let everything go, including Jackson's unfaithfulness. Instead of the decision making me feel weak, it felt freeing.
Jackson promised that we would shop for furniture another day so that we could make some real changes to his apartment. We spent the night at his place, and instead of expecting to see ghosts of ourselves from five years ago around every corner, I reveled in being in the arms of Jackson today. As domineering as he could be at times. the flesh and blood Jackson was a thousand times better than a memory.
Chapter Twenty-One
I faced Monday feeling refreshed and optimistic. Although there were reporters waiting outside Jackson's apartment building, they were more laid back and asked questions as if we were friends. One photographer even graciously caught my arm as I stumbled when my heel caught in a crack on the sidewalk. Jackson glowered at the man, pulling me closer to him, but he forced a smile when I rolled my eyes at him.
I spent the morning being productive and Marie informed me that calls from the media were down to a trickle. Celeste had stopped by to nag me about when we were going out for that drink Jackson had mentioned, and I promised that I would arrange it as soon as possible. When she mentioned that Drew was back in town, I felt a little nervous. I had ignored his call last week when news of Jackson and I broke, and in the frenzy of deleting all the voicemails from the media, I had mistakenly deleted his as well.
I was eating a salad while reviewing ROI reports when there was a knock on my open door. I saw Drew leaning on the doorframe when I looked up.
"Hi, Drew. Come in."
Drew walked into my office and sat down in the chair opposite my desk, looking contemplative.
"I've been worried about you."
"I'm so sorry I didn't call you back, Drew," I rushed to explain. "It's just been crazy these past few days and I was getting so many calls that I deleted a bunch of voicemails before realizing I had erased yours."
Drew nodded, an enigmatic expression on his face. "My sister called me, demanding to know whether or not I was in a love triangle with you and Jackson Reynard. I had no idea what she was talking about until she sent me the links."
I swallowed, feeling bad that I had dragged Drew into this. Fortunately, the early stories speculating about Drew's involvement had petered out once the press really sunk their teeth into the triangle between me, Jackson and Candace.
"I'm sorry, Drew. The last thing I wanted to do was involve you in this mess."
"It's okay. Except for those few pictures online, I haven't been involved. But I was worried about you. The tabloids seemed to be coming after you."
"It was a little rough for a while," I sighed. "But it's gotten better."
Drew hesitated before speaking. "Is it true? Did you and Jackson have a relationship in the past? Are you together again?"
I was a little surprised by Drew's questions. Even though we had become friends, it felt a little too personal for him to ask about Jackson. Still, I figured that I owed him some sort of explanation since he had been forced to play a minor role in all of this.
"It's true that Jackson and I dated a long time ago. And we're giving our relationship another shot."
Drew's shoulders slumped a bit at my words. "I guess I can't compete with the likes of Jackson Reynard."
I bit my lip, taken aback by Drew's statement. I thought Drew had accepted our relationship as strictly platonic, not realizing that he had held some hope out for it turning into something more.
"We're friends, Drew," I said gently. "You're an invaluable ally at work, and I enjoy all our lunches together. But there was never the possibility of more."
Drew nodded, looking a little embarrassed but accepting my answer with grace. "I hope we can stay friends."
"Of course. Besides, someone needs to help you keep Celeste out of your personal life. I've been trying to teach her about boundaries."
Drew grinned, no longer looking uncomfortable. "I think that's a losing battle."
Drew left my office after a promise of lunch sometime this week, and I was relieved that things had gone so well between us. The rest of the day was uneventful except for Jackson's call to inform me that Candace's publicist had released a statement. The gist of it was that she was happy for Jackson and me and held no ill feelings towards us, despite everything that had happened. She didn't mention the misunderstanding that Jackson had used as an excuse to explain why Candace thought he had cheated on her. Jackson said Candace probably didn't care anymore because her single was selling like crazy.
I was relieved that it seemed like things were finally dying down and getting back to normal. I had agreed to spend the night at Jackson's apartment after I was done for the day, and the thought of Jackson waiting for me made me rush to finish my work. I no longer questioned all the time we were spending together. If I had learned one thing during the time we had been apart, it was to never take for granted how much time you had left to spend with someone. I wasn't going to waste any time being apart unless necessary.
Craig was waiting for me outside my office building, as usual. Jackson was still adamant that I needed Craig and I didn't argue. If Jackson wanted to be protective of me, I wasn't going to protest.
I let myself into Jackson's apartment with the key he had given me that morning, but I didn't see him anywhere.
"Jackson?" I called out. I wandered into the bedroom and heard the shower running. Jackson's head popped out of the shower curtain, his wet hair slicked back making him look rakishly dashing.
"Hi, sweetheart. I just came back from working out. I picked up some takeout from Romero's."
I walked over and leaned towards Jackson, giving him a soft kiss. Jackson's eyes traveled down my body wickedly when we broke apart. "Although we might have to take care of some other business first before we eat. You're more than welcome to join me in the shower."
I laughed, shaking my head. "You're insatiable. And I need to eat first to be able to keep up with you."
Jackson grinned from ear to ear and stuck his head back in the shower. "I'll be right out. Can you answer my phone if it rings? Marcie is supposed to call me about the Vanity Fair interview."
"Sure." I left Jackson to his shower and went into the kitchen, eyeing the bag of food from Romero's on the counter. My stomach grumbled in response to the aroma of garlic and sauce wafting from the bag and I grabbed two plates from the cupboard to set the table. I was getting out the cutlery when I heard Jackson's cell phone ringing, and I rushed to grab it from the coffee table.
"Hello?"
"Hello? Emma, is that you?"
"Hi, Marcie. Jackson's in the shower. He wanted me to answer his phone because he was expecting your call."
"Great. This has as much to do with you as Jackson, so I'll just relay the information to you. We have the interview set up for this Friday at one o'clock. Does that work for you?"
I hesitated. "Do you think it's still necessary? Now that Candace has backed down, can't we just let things die down on its own?"
Marcie's voice was firm when she answered. "We really need this interview. Jackson's image was damaged when people thought he cheated on Candace. Even though most people now believe it's untrue, there's some lingering doubt. I don't want this affecting Jackson's career."
I felt my stomach drop at Marcie's explanation. The last thing I wanted was for Jackson's career to be affected by this. I had been so focused
on the negative articles about me that I had forgotten the impact this would have on Jackson. I berated myself for being so self-involved and not considering how this was affecting Jackson.
"Of course I'll do it then. And Friday at one o'clock is fine with me. I'll check with Jackson."
"Great! I'm emailing Jackson as we speak about the details of the location. He should have it in his inbox before we hang up."
"Sounds good. Bye, Marcie."
"Bye, Emma." Marcie paused, not hanging up. "You've been the best thing to happen to Jackson. I've never seen him so happy."
I thanked Marcie for her kind words and disconnected the phone, feeling a rush of happiness. Remembering that I had a client meeting on Friday afternoon and hoping that it was close to where the interview was taking place, I opened Jackson's email on his phone to see if Marcie's email had arrived yet.
I was unfamiliar with Jackson's phone and realized I had mistakenly opened up his text messages instead. I was about to close it when my heart stopped. Time seemed to freeze as a sick feeling gathered in the pit of my stomach. My heart started beating again, but it was at a frenetic pace. It was beating so hard that it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I blinked, not wanting to believe that Jackson had been texting Claire. But her name was on his phone, as clear as day.
My hand trembled as my thumb hovered over her name. I knew nothing would be the same after I opened their conversation, but I had to know the truth. With a prayer that I would be able to survive what I saw, I tapped on her name to open their texts.
Claire: When do you want to meet?
Jackson: Can you do Wednesday at 3pm?
Claire: Yes. Do you want to meet at Andrews around the corner of your old apartment?
Jackson: No. Meet me at the Starbucks in Union Square.
My hand was shaking as I read their texts. I had purposely blocked all information about Claire, but my mother told me a while ago that Claire's mother had mentioned that she had moved out of New York. Now I realized she had been in New York all along. Had she and Jackson been screwing this entire time? Was this a replay of five years ago, and I was the idiot getting cheated on again? Their texts were time stamped earlier today. While I had been brimming with happiness, Jackson had been scheduling a rendezvous with Claire.
