by Betty Culley
at the hospital,
where he could be picked up
and do therapies and activities
during the day.
How old would the other people
be, in these programs?
Mom asks.
I can see she hopes
these programs
will be like a fun summer school
for Jonah,
with other kids his age.
There’s a range,
Dr. Kate says.
Everyone in the room,
except Mom,
knows that’s not a real answer.
The Fidgets
There’s not much room
to pace
in our house
at night.
I can’t go upstairs
because Mom is asleep.
The kitchen to my room
only takes two steps.
Johnny watches me walk around
the kitchen.
You know, the best cure
for the fidgets
is getting in the birthday-party spirit,
he says.
Who says I have
the fidgets?
How many times
did you just look
in the refrigerator
in the last thirty seconds?
I thought you nurses
were planning everything—
all the food
and the guest list.
Johnny reaches into the
oversize man purse
that holds his stethoscope,
water bottle, and food,
and tosses me a bag
of balloons, a plastic
hand-pump balloon inflator,
and three packs of folded-up
birthday banners.
What the heck?
I say, holding them all
in my arms.
Dollar-store specials,
Johnny says.
No string for the balloons?
Johnny reaches back into his bag
like Mary Poppins, RN,
and holds up a spool of kite string.
Is Jonah awake?
I ask him.
It’s hard to tell,
Johnny says.
I carry all the party supplies
into the living room.
Let’s wake him up,
and get him
in his chair,
while we decorate.
Maybe this is his
daytime,
I say to Johnny.
We lift Jonah into his chair.
It feels like he
is fighting us
in a quiet way,
letting his arms hang
and stiffening his legs
on purpose.
I notice Food Truck
is serving seltzer
instead of vanilla milkshake.
That’s a first.
Change in menu?
I ask Johnny.
It’s Pedialyte,
Johnny explains.
He wasn’t tolerating
the formula.
When Jonah is sitting up,
I sit next to him
and start pumping up
balloons.
Blue, yellow, pink, red,
purple, green, orange.
Jonah opens his eyes
to see what we’re doing.
I put a green balloon in his lap,
and move his hands
onto it.
Hey, Jonah, I say,
Johnny and I are doing
some middle-of-the-night
party prep.
What do you think?
Jonah smiles at me.
Both sides of his mouth
don’t move in the same
direction anymore,
but I remember the before-smile
so well, it’s what I see.
Maybe Jonah was just bored,
because he’s wide awake
for the party decorating.
OOG OOG,
he says,
whenever another balloon
is blown up.
Johnny puts Jonah’s
Zombie Vest on him
and switches it on.
Brooka Brooka Brooka
Brooka Brooka Brooka
Zombie Vest shivers.
Johnny starts dancing
around the living room.
I attach balloons to Food Truck,
and tape them to the ceiling
over Jonah’s bed.
I even run out
in the dark
and tie some
to our mailbox.
Johnny is right.
Blowing up balloons
and hanging banners
is the perfect cure
for the fidgets.
Surprise
On the morning
of my birthday,
Mom says,
Liv, can you come with me
to the supermarket?
I need to pick up
some last-minute things
before the party.
What things?
I ask.
It looks like there’s two
of everything already here.
Uh, uh, ginger ale and
chips.
When I hear Mom’s “Uh, uh”
I know it’s an excuse
to get me out of the house.
Can we go to the other
Hannaford,
south of Maddigan?
Past Brann’s Dairy Farm?
I suppose so,
Mom says.
What’s this sudden interest
in dairy farming?
It’s hard work
and no benefits.
I’ve been thinking about
eating more organic food.
Then you might also think
about your education.
I’ll bet that judge
in the trial
can drink all the organic milk
she wants.
I pull my hair,
including my bangs,
to the top of my head,
and narrow my eyes
at Mom.
I’ll take that
under advisement,
I say.
Mom laughs
at my imitation
of the judge,
and sneaks a look
at the clock
on the kitchen wall.
The organic cows
are out in the green field
this morning.
Someone is on a tractor
putting round bales of hay
out for them.
I can’t tell if the person
on the tractor
is Clay
or not.
Can you pull over?
I ask Mom.
I might know that person
on the tractor.
Maybe because it’s my birthday
and she has the day off,
and she needs to keep me
out of the house,
Mom stops the car
on the side of the road,
next to the fence.
There used to be a set of steps
down to the river,
behind Bobby Brann’s house there.
Mom points to a spot
I can’t see.
Your father and I, and Elinor,
and lots of the old gang
swam off there.
I want to hear Mom
talk more about Dad,
but I’m in a hurry
to see who’s feeding
the cows.
I walk along the fence
until I’m close enough
to the tractor
that I can see
it’s not Clay.
The man on the tractor
is skinny and tall,
lik
e Clay,
but he’s about
a hundred years old.
He drives the tractor
over to the fence.
Hi,
I call out to him,
I was wondering if Clay is here.
I heard he’s working for you.
The man
takes his hat off
and holds it in his hands
for a while
before he speaks,
He’s not working for me.
I’m retired now.
He’s working for my son Bobby.
It doesn’t look to me
like he’s retired,
driving the tractor
out there in the sun
in the big field.
Is Clay here?
Your young man
asked for the day off.
The old man’s mouth
makes a kind of sneer
when he says “day off.”
Thanks, but
he’s not my young man.
I like your cows.
How many do you have?
There’s thirty-two cows,
ten heifers,
plus the new calves
gonna be born anytime.
Wow!
I say.
I’ve never seen a
new calf.
I kind of hope he will invite me
to see the new calves
when they’re born, but
the old man doesn’t say anything.
It’s like he’s already used up
all his words
for the day.
When you see Clay,
can you let him know
Liv was here?
The man bows
his head,
puts his hat back on,
and starts up the tractor.
The whole time
we’ve been talking
the cows hardly move.
They have everything they need—
the hay, the grass,
and lots of other
black-and-white cows
for company.
I don’t remind Mom,
when she buys spaghetti
and tomato sauce,
that we are there for
ginger ale and chips.
Wish Time
When we get home,
Mom hangs back,
so I open the door
first.
Even though I’ve practiced
my surprised expression,
when everyone shouts
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIV!
my face freezes
like I’ve never been
surprised before,
and it doesn’t know
what to do.
Then they sing,
while Hunter
plays his fiddle.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Li-iv
Happy birthday to you.
It’s such a simple song,
but when I hear it,
it makes me really feel
like it’s my birthday.
Hunter’s sisters must have heard
“party”
and decided the theme was
garden princess or
fortune-teller ballerina.
Little Lima Bean and Pretty Parsley
are wearing long dresses
decorated with dried flowers,
Sweet Sunflower is wearing a sparkly tutu
and a bandanna on her head.
They are dancing around
with paper plates
full of food.
You’re the birthday girl.
Do you want food?
We can get you a plate.
Hunter said we had to be
helpful.
Sure, I say,
I’ll have a plate.
What’s your favorite?
What’s your favorite?
The girls all talk at once.
The kitchen table is covered
with dishes.
The cupcakes are chocolate
with chocolate frosting.
All the foods
are my favorites—
deviled eggs,
sliced salami,
guacamole and blue chips,
nacho chips and salsa.
I’ll have some of
everything,
I say.
Oooh.
Little Lima Bean
jumps up and down,
like that was the perfect answer.
I look around.
Justine is talking to Mom.
She is waving her arms
and Mom is shaking her head.
Phoebe and Sara
sit next to each other
on the couch
in the living room.
I hear Sara whisper to Phoebe,
Do you feel it?
The shift of energy in this house?
It’s very strong.
Hunter’s twin brothers
are helping Elinor
arrange a platter of
cheese and crackers.
Johnny clinks a glass
with a spoon
to get everyone’s attention.
WISH TIME, LIV,
he says
when the room is quiet.
He puts down the glass and spoon,
sticks a candle in a chocolate cupcake,
and lights it.
I look around for Jonah.
He’s in his chair.
For the first time,
Snorkel Man is keeping him company
when he’s awake,
instead of just at night.
Johnny sees me notice this,
comes up next to me
with the cupcake,
and whispers,
He was struggling a bit
this morning.
I can take it off
if you want.
He’s doing better now.
I shake my head no.
I don’t mind having
Snorkel Man
at the party.
It’s Jonah’s party, too.
He can invite
whoever he wants.
Machines aren’t going to
spoil my birthday.
Jonah’s friends
are my friends.
I hold my breath,
make my wish,
and blow out the candle.
Everyone yells yay and claps,
like they’re sure
my wish will come true.
Ring
Piper is in the kitchen
holding an empty plate.
She points to the platter
of deviled eggs.
Do you know how long
those have been sitting out?
It’s two hours max
at room temperature
for cooked eggs.
Piper doesn’t say what happens
after the two hours,
and I don’t ask.
Under the kitchen light
the yellow in the eggs
looks like dried-up Play-Doh.
Too long, is my guess,
I say,
and take the deviled egg off my plate
and put it back on the platter.
Those look good,
I suggest,
pointing to the big bowl
of blue chips.
They do,
Piper agrees,
then comes closer
and whispers
in my ear,
but have you seen
how many people
reached into the bowl?
I hang my arm over Piper’s shoulders
and try to walk in her shoes
for a moment,
to feel what it’s like
to see germs everywhere.
Let’s
go listen
to the music,
I say.
Hunter sits in a chair
next to Jonah
playing his fiddle.
Dr. Kate listens to the concert
and eats a cupcake.
The glass doors are open
between the kitchen
and the living room.
We haven’t had
this many people
or this much food here
since Dad died.
Look what I found!
Little Lima Bean shouts,
as she crawls out
from under Jonah’s bed.
She holds up a gold ring
with three small birthstones,
one for each daughter.
Phoebe pulls Little Lima Bean
and the ring
into her arms,
kissing Little Lima Bean
and the ring,
one after the other.
Harmonica
I relight the candle
in my cupcake
on the stove burner
and bring it over
to Jonah.
I give Snorkel Man
a little time-out.
As I start the song
for my brother,
everyone joins in.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Jo-nah
Happy birthday to you
I bring the lit cupcake
close to Jonah’s face
and mine,
so no one can tell
whether it’s my breath
or his
that blows it out.
Is it time for presents now?
Don’t you want to open
your presents?
Pretty Parsley asks.
Pretty Parsley and Little Lima Bean jump around
next to two piles of wrapped boxes
and gift bags
stacked on the counter.
Someone has separated them
into a pile for Jonah
and a pile for me.
Sweet Sunflower reaches up
to touch the bows and ribbons.
Her purple bandanna
hangs around her neck
and she makes a whistling sound
when she breathes.
Eeeeech Eeeeech Eeeeech
like the wind
blowing through our old windows
during a blizzard.
My gift for Jonah first,
I say,
and take the Thriftee Thrift Shop
harmonica
out of my pocket.
Sorry I didn’t get to
wrap it, Jonah,
but it’s the thought
that counts,
I joke.
I thought you might want
to make your own music.
I hold the harmonica
to Jonah’s lips.
Breathe, Jonah,
breathe a big breath out.
Hum Hum
Jonah makes music,
and when he smiles
there’s no mistaking
his happiness.
Encore, Jonah,
I hold it to his mouth again.
Humm Humm
Hunter’s sisters applaud
and everyone claps with them.
When Johnny brings over
the first wrapped
present for Jonah,
he is asleep.
I slip the harmonica
into the front pocket
