“You’re lying,” Erin said, her lip trembling. “If Michael had been involved with you, he would have said so.”
“I’m not lying. Michael never said anything because he doesn’t really remember me. That’s why I was mad. Now I realize how dumb it was to dwell on the past when it can’t be changed. I never meant to hurt you, and I’m sure Michael didn’t either. He’s just—just a thoughtless guy sometimes about women. But I agreed to marry him, and I’m going to for my own reasons,” Carrie said, looking in her purse and not seeing her medicine.
Great, she thought. She was going to be sick and there was nothing she could do.
“You don’t even love him,” Erin stated, incredulous at what Carrie said. “How can you marry a man you don’t love?”
“Erin, you don’t know me well enough to know how I feel. I care about Michael. And we have—we have a mutual need for each other at the moment. That’s all I’m willing to share with you about our arrangement,” Carrie said.
“Arrangement? Is that how you view marriage?” Erin spat the questions in a stream. “I always figured you were a frigid, cold bitch because you would never date anyone. Now I know it’s true. One day Michael is going to get tired of you, and you’ll be stepped over as he heads off to the next woman.”
“Gee, that’s pretty harsh,” Michael said, walking into Carrie’s office. “Your voice really travels down the hall, Erin.”
Carrie watched in shock as Michael walked to her desk with a bottle of water in one hand and the medicine in the other.
“You left your medicine behind this morning. We need buy a pill case so you can carry some with you,” Michael said, frowning as he shook out a dose and handed it to her.
“Thank you,” Carrie said, not really meeting his gaze. “I was just looking for it and realizing I forgot it.”
“Looks like to me you were deep in the process of slaying a dragon for me,” Michael told her, his voice flat. “How’s that going?”
“About like I expected,” Carrie said tightly, looking over to see Erin going white as her gaze bounced between them and their intimate, teasing conversation. “Erin doesn’t believe I knew you in college, Michael.”
“I knew Carrie in college—yes, I slept with her,” Michael said, looking at Erin.
He had liked the younger woman. She had been fun and hadn’t held on too tightly. He had thought she was being honest with him. It bothered him now to know he’d been so wrong about her. He should never have dated her more than once.
“How did Carrie talk you into marrying her when most women you dated never even got a second date?” Erin demanded.
Carrie snorted and laughed without humor. Michael put one hand on the back of her chair and the other on her desk.
“I asked Carrie to marry me because I want her to be my wife. She did nothing to talk me into it. If anybody did any coercing, it was me talking Carrie into it. Hell, I had to draw up a prenuptial agreement before she would discuss it,” Michael said, feeling brutal honesty was the only way to be clear in the situation. “I’ve loved Carrie for years, Erin. Now that I have succeeded in getting into her life, I’m doing everything I can to stay there. And yes, I know she doesn’t completely return my feelings, but she is neither frigid nor a bitch. Don’t try to come between us because it won’t work.”
“Okay. That’s enough, Michael,” Carrie said, putting a hand on his wrist.
He was angry at Erin, and Carrie could understand that. But Erin was also devastated, and from what she could tell, Michael didn’t really care. Carrie knew all too well how much it could hurt to love Michael when he didn’t love you back.
“Erin’s got enough to absorb,” she told him. “I can see why she’s surprised. You and I haven’t exactly had a reputation around here for being friends.”
“Don’t feel sorry for me, Carrie,” Erin said, rising with as much dignity as she could.
Tears threatened to fall, but Erin was determined that was not going to happen in front of Michael Larson. She was suddenly seeing him in a whole different light. She was seeing that he was a user and not just thoughtless.
“You know, Michael, I honestly hope Carrie never loves you back. You’re the kind of man who doesn’t deserve her love or any woman’s,” Erin said sadly, walking to the door. “It would do you good to know what it feels like to be taken for granted and discarded when the mood hits.”
After Erin left, Carrie scooped the medicine off her desk and into her purse.
“One dragon down and only four or five more dozen to go,” she said sarcastically, sipping the water Michael had brought to her.
“Do you want another apology now or will I see you at home later?” Michael asked, a muscle ticking in his jaw.
“I’ll see you later,” Carrie told him, giving him a sad look. “We’ll save it for our dinner conversation. I’ll try to refrain from saying that I told you so.”
Michael walked to the door, stopped, and turned around.
“Do you think I led Erin on? Because I don’t think I did. I never promised her anything outside the time we were together. You’re the only woman I’ve ever made any promises to,” he said.
Carrie sighed and leaned back in her office chair, staring at the man who kept intruding into her life and turning it upside down on her. It was hard to believe he didn’t realize the effect he had on women. He was personally as powerful and disturbing as any art he created.
“It doesn’t matter what I believe, Michael. It’s not my business to judge what was between you and Erin, nor do I want any more details. I know she was hoping you would come back to her when you got tired of dating and sleeping around. She’s not the first woman to hang her hopes on the wrong man,” Carrie said, struggling for a neutral tone.
Michael shook his head. “I honestly wasn’t just a bored guy sleeping around for the hell of it. Maybe I seem like a bastard now, but I sure as hell don’t get it. If a guy loves a woman, he’s going to say it—or at least, that’s how I was raised. I’ve always been careful not to commit to anyone I was just dating casually. That’s why I’ve been very clear on how I feel about you. We are not casual. My feelings for you are different.”
“Well, I guess women tend to live more on hopes and dreams than men do,” Carrie said reasonably. “I don’t think you were a bastard today, but I do think you were a little cruel. However, I also don’t think anything less than cruel would have been taken seriously. Erin will probably give up chasing you now. You can add that slain dragon to your list. I wasn’t making much progress with her until you showed up.”
“Great. On that note, I’m leaving now,” Michael said. “See you later.”
He’d spent the day planning their wedding and choosing paint colors for the baby’s room. Now he felt like shit for something that wasn’t even his fault when all he was trying to do was defend Carrie’s right to be in his life.
As he walked down the hall, Michael fervently hoped he didn’t have to come back to Carrie’s work for a while. When Belinda said goodbye to him, Michael threw her a frowning wave, but otherwise ignored her. He’d known enough indiscreet women to last him a lifetime.
Chapter 10
They didn’t talk about the fight with Erin over dinner that evening after all. Michael had overwhelmed her with wedding plans and informed her that his mother, Ellen, was now getting the rest of it together.
After one day, Ellen had found a chapel in Richmond and talked Michael’s minister into performing the ceremony.
Carrie swallowed hard at the realization that she now had a wedding date. In a short two weeks, she was going to become Carrie Larson. She looked for the Zen calm she’d been trying to develop about it, but found only stark terror instead.
And when she thought about Erin, the thought of marrying Michael made her ill, which was irrational because they were only getting married for the baby’s sake. What did it matter to her how insensitive he was to the woman’s pain? It wasn’t like she was planning to live with him for
the rest of her life.
Appetite gone, Carrie refused the offer of the last piece of leftover cheesecake. His panicked look made her laugh.
“I’m not sick, just not hungry enough,” Carrie said.
“Stressful day,” Michael said. “Want your apology for having to deal with Erin now?”
“No. No need. I swore I wouldn’t swipe at you over women from your past,” Carrie said lightly. “I keep my word.”
Michael put his hand on the table and wiggled his fingers. “Give me your hand.”
“I’m fine, Michael.” Carrie said, leaning back in her chair.
“Hand—now,” he said firmly.
Carrie sighed and reached across the table to put her hand in his.
“I don’t have in reserve nor do I want any other woman. Do you believe that?” Michael asked.
Carrie sighed again. It was certainly what she wanted to believe.
“I believe you will honor our agreement,” Carrie told him.
“What in the hell is it going to take for you to believe you’re the only one?” Michael asked, rubbing her fingers with his.
“Did you feel sorry for Erin today? Did you understand that she had woven a dream around you based on the time she spent with you? Do you get that she was mourning the loss of the dream as well as you? You looked like you didn’t care at all.” Carrie asked.
Michael let her fingers slide from his. “I didn’t enjoy hurting her, but it was preferable to watching her hurt you.”
Carrie leaned back in her chair, her gaze finding its way to his patio work area. “Michael, I was probably one of the first women you did that to, and yes it was partially my own fault, but—God, it still hurt. Even if it hadn’t been for the abortion making my life hell back then, it still would have taken me a very long time to get over you discarding me like I wasn’t even worth knowing after I gave you my virginity.”
Michael heaved a weary sigh.
Carrie shook her head. “I’m not trying to beat you up about what happened years ago. Damn, don’t you get it? I’m just trying to get you to have a little sympathy for a woman you hurt, even if you obviously don’t have any empathy. No one wants to think they’re unimportant. With all the women you went through in your life, it was inevitable you were going to sleep with some who weren’t the don’t-give-a-shit party girls you thought or hoped they were.”
“So what am I supposed to do? Do I owe Erin an apology?” he asked.
“No, I guess not,” Carrie said, resigned to his lack of understanding. “No more than you owe me or any of the women in your life an explanation. Maybe Erin brought today on herself. You’ve not dated her in months. It’s just—never mind. I can see you don’t understand.”
“No. Say it. Say what you think. I don’t want you holding back your real thoughts,” Michael said, his gut churning with frustration.
Carrie closed her eyes, tried to think of how to tell him. But nothing could stop a tornado from decimating things in its path. A tornado remained a tornado until it decided to stop being one.
She opened her eyes to meet and hold Michael’s gaze.
“If you can’t look at Erin and feel sorry for hurting a woman who loves you and can’t have you, then you are never going to understand what you did to me and why I don’t like you now. I loved you when I slept with you in college, Michael. I haven’t loved anyone the same way since because my disillusionment is bone deep. Even casual sexual relationships are serious to most women. If they tell you differently, they’re lying. A woman always has a reason for sleeping with a man.”
Carrie looked at the table. “I’m not trying to be preachy or moralistic. I’m being as honest as a woman can be in sharing how she feels. In my experience, men just want to believe women don’t read more into being sexual because it absolves them of accountability. I know you liked Erin when you were with her. I saw you together.”
“I liked her,” Michael told her, his voice hard with hurt that Carrie had such a poor opinion of his feelings for her. He got up from the table. “But I love you. It’s different. I can’t explain it to you. It’s just how it is.”
“Sure,” Carrie said, her voice tight with age-old pain. “You tell me it’s different, but in the dark, most women are all alike to men like you, Michael Larson. I saw first hand that one blonde woman was just as good as another to you. Sure, I’ve discovered it works the same for other men as well. On a smaller scale, maybe I’ve become you. My two husbands were interchangeable. I’m sure Tom would have been okay as well. So who am I to talk, right?”
“If you really think that’s true, then why did you leave the other guys you married and end up with me—carrying my child?” he asked. “We are not accidental or casual. You’re not just another Erin, and I am for damn sure not Tom whatever-his-name-was.”
When Carrie didn’t answer, Michael grabbed his keys from the pegs by the door and headed to the front hall. He needed to put some distance between them. He needed to run from the pain just for a little while.
“I’m going out,” he yelled back at her. “Don’t faint and fall in the floor while I’m gone. It would be hell on my homeowner’s insurance rates.”
When the door closed behind him, Carrie laid her head on the kitchen table and wept, totally ashamed for arguing with him about his past, the very thing she’d promised him she wouldn’t do.
She just couldn’t seem to help herself anymore than she could give up hoping that Michael Larson would one day say or do something to help her heal her broken heart.
*** *** ***
Shane ignored the doorbell’s pressing chimes the first five times. When the person outside held it until it rang non-stop, he threw down his pencil, abandoning his work.
The insistent door ringer wasn’t interrupting much anyway, he thought. You couldn’t draw a heroine you didn’t believe in. His irritation put a scowl on his face.
“What?” he yelled, yanking the door open. “Oh, Michael. Lucky you weren’t someone trying to sell me something.”
“Got time to talk?” Michael asked, walking past his brother into the great room of his condo. “I need you to fix me before I do any more damage to the mother of my future child.”
Shane sighed. “I’m having woman trouble myself. But I need a break from it. Let me get us a couple beers.”
“You meet someone?” Michael asked, thinking of their bet, but without the glee it usually brought him.
“Only in my dreams,” Shane told him from inside the refrigerator. “The woman remains faceless and nameless. I know what she needs to be like, but I can’t get a clear picture of her in my head.”
“Your novel? You’re talking about your novel? Hell, Shane. I got real problems—not imaginary ones,” Michael said harshly.
“I’m going to ignore that swipe for now. Don’t make another one. Carrie mad at you?” Shane asked, giving Michael a beer and setting one of his two on a coffee table in front of him. He took a long drink and relaxed on the couch while Michael sat morosely in a chair.
“Mad doesn’t even begin to cover it. I took her medicine to her today at work because she forgot it. I walked in on Erin blasting her over marrying me. I defended her, but I’m the bad guy for hurting Erin’s feelings,” Michael said. “If there’s a manual for this relationship shit, I wish someone would tell me where to get a copy.”
Shane smiled at Michael’s frustration. It would have been too rude to laugh. “Erin is the woman you’ve been dating off and on for several years, right?”
“It was never serious,” Michael said harshly.
“Did Erin ever turn you down for a date or sex? Ever make demands you hated and fought about? Ever draw a proverbial line in the sand and dare you to cross it?” Shane asked.
“No. Hell, we didn’t know each other well enough to fight,” Michael said.
“Then you and Erin never officially broke up. You laid out the rules for her relationship with you, and she was following them as best she could. I can see why Erin would
have been upset to find out Carrie was the replacement player in your game with her,” Shane said.
“Erin was never in love with me,” Michael said. “She never told me she loved me, and I never said it to her.”
“You kept coming back to her to date her. You didn’t do that with the others. What was she supposed to think? That you were just using her?” Shane asked, giving his brother a you-can’t-be-that-dumb look. “Not that I think it would make you a bad guy if the answer is yes, but, Michael—women almost never have sex without a motivated reason. Physical relief is not at the top of their list like it is for men.”
“You don’t get serious with women,” Michael accused. “How is what you do different?”
“It isn’t different. I didn’t say it was, but I’m clear about it and careful not to form any lasting relationships with women I don’t really like,” Shane said softly. “That’s why I quit sleeping around months ago. I want a girlfriend—a real one. Not just a warm body in bed. My sleeping around for the hell of it days are ending sooner than yours did.”
“I never would have dated anyone else if Carrie had just dated me when I met her three years ago. I took one look at her and just knew. You can’t imagine how I felt when she rejected me,” Michael said.
“No, I can’t,” Shane said. “But be fair, Michael. Carrie didn’t parade her husbands under your nose every day where you worked. You slept with just about every woman she worked with, and she had to be civil and professional to them while it was going on. If Carrie had any feelings for you at all, you demolished her self-worth on a regular basis with that alone. No woman wants to feel like she’s competing with the entire female population of the world.”
Created In Fire (Art of Love Series) Page 10
