by Karen Cimms
“Close the door and pull the curtain,” she said when the nurses left the room. “Then help me get this gown off.”
“C’mon, Katie,” he teased, trying to sound like himself. “Even you know it’s too soon.”
A weak smile won out. “We need to bond. Skin-to-skin contact is important. The doctor said I could try to nurse if I was up to it.”
“Are you?”
She nodded. He didn’t think so, but he wasn’t about to argue. He slipped the hospital gown as low as it would go and helped her get into a comfortable position that would allow her to hold the baby against her. Then he unswaddled his son, who protested loudly until Billy nestled him against his mother’s bare skin.
“Devin Joseph Donaldson.” He drew on every ounce of strength he had to control his voice. “I’d like you to meet your angel here on earth. This is Katie, but you’ll call her Mommy. She’s the best person you will ever know.”
He couldn’t speak another word. The reality of what was before him and the knowledge that this day could have been very different almost brought him to his knees.
As he watched Kate fall in love with their son, there was another reality he needed to face.
He had all but made up his mind they were moving to Seattle. It had been all he could think about. He’d been trying to find a way to break it to Kate, and had decided it would be better to wait until after the baby came, when she wasn’t so emotional and when he could convince her that moving close to her parents would be the worst thing they could do.
Now? That was over. He had no right to pressure her into doing anything she might not want to do. Not anymore. Whatever she wanted, he’d do it.
“I was thinking . . .” He hesitated, giving himself one last chance to change his mind, knowing what he was about to do was all about guilt and not at all about what was best for any of them. “I need to call Robbie and Luann.”
Kate nodded, intent on studying the tiny foot she held in her hand.
“I need to give them a heads up,” he continued, wondering if his smile looked as fake as it felt. “I have to let Robbie know to get Gram’s piano ready.”
“What?” She looked up, lost.
“I think we’re moving to Belleville.”
She couldn’t speak. Neither could he. His emotions were gridlocked as he wondered how one huge, stupid mistake could have caused him to deliberately make another.
If he’d thought giving in on the house would lessen his guilt, he was wrong. It didn’t change one damn thing. He was still a lying, cheating sonofabitch.
Chapter Forty-Nine
After three months of negotiating, the Belleville house was theirs—or it would be the following month. Kate was thrilled, but Billy had begun to resemble a deer caught in the headlights. She assumed it was the impending responsibility of a thirty-year mortgage.
It didn’t help that he’d had some kind of falling out with Christa and fired her right after the Grammys. There had been some angry phone calls and messages, but all he would say was that they’d had creative differences. Beyond that, he’d warned her to let it go. She knew when it was safe to poke the bear. This was not one of those times.
Trying to coexist with an infant and a toddler in a tiny apartment was also causing strain, which was why they were heading to the park earlier than usual. Rhiannon was being overly rambunctious, and since Billy hadn’t gotten home until almost four, it was just easier to disappear for a couple hours instead of trying to keep her quiet.
Moving into a seven-room house with a big backyard couldn’t happen soon enough.
It was warm for mid-May, one of those crystal-clear days when the sky was so blue and the sun so bright it hurt your eyes. There were far worse things than having to spend a morning in the park. Kate buckled Rhiannon and Devin into the double stroller, stopped to say hello to Mrs. Lombardi and Mrs. Calabrese, then headed down Avenue C.
The park was nearly empty. The scent of freshly mown grass hung in the air, and she felt a twinge of excitement that soon she’d have her own yard to sniff. Dappled sunlight filtered through the leaves of her favorite tree, where she spread her blanket on the damp grass. It was the perfect spot. Far enough from the busy street and close enough to watch the ships sail past. While Devin napped, Rhiannon sat surrounded by picture books, bubble solution, and goldfish crackers, which she swam across the blanket. When she grew bored, Rhiannon climbed into Kate’s lap with her favorite book, wrapped her cheese-kissed fingers around Kate’s ponytail, and rested her head against her chest. She kissed the top of her daughter’s head, breathing in the scent of baby shampoo, maple syrup, and a hint of dehydrated cheddar cheese.
“Judy can pat the bunny,” Kate read. “Now you pat the bunny.”
Rhiannon left an orange trail as she ran her finger over the soft fur shape in her book. “If you’re very good, maybe Daddy will let you get a bunny of your own when we move to the new house. Would you like that?”
With a nod, Rhiannon turned the page. Kate continued to read until Devin began to fuss.
“Uh-oh, Mommy.” Rhiannon scrambled to her feet and peeked into the stroller. “Hiya, buddy,” she cooed, imitating her father.
Devin broke into a wet, toothless grin, not sure of who to smile at first. In spite of the way he’d come into the world, he was a happy baby.
Kate lifted him from the stroller and set him on the blanket. While she changed his diaper, Rhiannon sang him a wordless, tuneless song that made him laugh and pump his legs, making the diaper change a bit of a challenge. When she finished, Kate held him up on his feet, and he wobbled on his chubby, bowed legs.
“Excuse me.”
A woman stood a few feet away.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but you’ve got the cutest li’l babies there. I was just taking a walk on my lunch hour, and I saw this itty-bitty angel and I just had to stop.”
“Thank you.” Kate smiled as she tried to place the stranger. She didn’t look like any of the businesspeople who frequented the park at lunchtime. Large sunglasses rimmed in rhinestones covered her eyes. She wore tight-fitting jeans, a low-cut tank top, and a cropped denim jacket. Her high heels, which were currently sinking into the grass, matched the bright red that lined her mouth. Her blond spiral curls hung well past her shoulders, and an armful of bangles tinkled when she moved.
“These angels can’t possibly be yours,” she said in a deep Southern accent, peeking over the top of her sunglasses. “You must be the babysitter. You don’t look old enough to have one child, let alone two.” She gestured at Rhiannon. “Not to mention this li’l cutie looks nothing like you.”
It was true. Rhiannon was Billy’s child, right down to her temper.
“Oh, they’re mine,” Kate said proudly. “Rhiannon looks like her daddy.”
“Rhiannon! That’s beautiful. Like the Stevie Nicks song?”
Kate nodded. “And this is Devin.”
“Hello, Rhiannon. My name is Jane.” She reached for Rhiannon’s hand and shook it. The toddler eyed her jewelry. At any moment, Kate knew her daughter, whose arms were covered with multicolored plastic bracelets, would expect the newcomer to share.
Jane leaned over Devin and made the sounds most people do when face to face with a baby. Then she looked at Kate. “And you are?”
“Sorry.” She held out her hand. “I’m Kate.”
“Katie!” Rhiannon giggled.
Kate pretended she was going to tickle her, and Rhiannon doubled over with laughter. “You know only Daddy calls me that!” She scooped her up with her free arm and kissed her cheek.
“They’re beautiful,” Jane said, settling onto a nearby bench. “You’re very lucky.”
“We’ve been blessed.” She swallowed the lump that formed in her throat whenever she thought of how lucky she and Devin were to be alive.
“So, where do you work?” she asked, curiosity getting the better of her.
“Around the corner.” Jane flicked her hand. “Seeing these li’l angels here
certainly makes me miss my grandchildren.” The corners of her bright red mouth turned down.
“You certainly don’t look like a grandmother.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment. I haven’t seen my grandchildren in a while.” She ran a finger under her glasses as if wiping away a tear. “I hope it’s not an imposition, but would you mind terribly if I held this little guy? Just for a moment. It’s been so long since I held a baby.”
It was an odd request, but she looked so dejected Kate found it hard to say no.
“I guess that’s OK.” She stood and settled Devin in Jane’s lap.
Fine brows drawing together, he studied the stranger’s face. He looked suspicious at first but then broke into a lopsided, drippy grin. Jane stood, cooing and bouncing him until he latched onto one of her large hoop earrings.
“No!” Kate cried. She reached out to unwind his chubby fingers from the gold circle. “Stay still,” she warned. “I’m so sorry. He’s at that grabby stage. I have to keep my hair in a ponytail or a braid—”
“Katie!”
Billy’s voice came booming over the traffic on West First Street. She turned, surprised to see him standing at the crosswalk. He held up his hand and darted in front of a passing car, nearly getting hit, then jogged straight toward Jane and yanked the baby from her arms.
Startled, Devin began to howl.
“Pack up,” Billy demanded, his voice hard and cold. “Now.”
What on earth had gotten into him now? “Billy! What’re you doing?”
He lowered his voice, but his eyes were blazing. “Now.”
“And this must be Daddy,” Jane said.
Mortified, Kate turned to apologize.
Billy kept his eyes fixed on Kate. “I said let’s go.”
“I’m going as fast as I can,” she said, convinced he’d lost his mind.
He strapped Devin into the stroller, then Rhiannon, who was crying now as well. Then he snatched the blanket off the ground and waited for Kate to shove the rest of the things into her backpack.
“I’m so sorry,” she said to Jane. “I don’t—”
Billy grabbed her elbow and pulled. “Let’s go, Kate. I mean it.”
She glanced over her shoulder as Billy led her across the street.
“Don’t worry, honey,” Jane called after her, an odd smirk on her face. “He thinks he’s protecting those precious babies.”
As soon as they reached the courtyard, she yanked free of his grasp and stormed ahead to the building. She waited while he unbuckled Devin, then she scooped him up, and headed for the elevator, leaving Billy behind to fight with the stroller and a screaming toddler.
Upstairs, she settled into her father’s rocker, trying to calm herself while she nursed Devin. He studied her face as if trying to figure out what she was all worked up about. After he drifted off and she settled him into his crib, she waited until she was certain she was calm enough to go find out what the hell had just happened.
Rhiannon was sitting on the floor in the living room, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and watching Sesame Street. She found Billy in the kitchen, staring out the window.
“What in God’s name is wrong with you?”
The frantic look he gave her took her by surprise. “Do you always let strangers hold our children?”
“No! Of course not. Jeez, Billy. It was no big deal. She seemed nice enough. I don’t know what you’re freaking out about. Give me a little credit, will you?” She yanked open the refrigerator door. There was nothing she wanted inside, but it gave her something to do that didn’t involve looking at him or putting her hands around his neck.
“What if she’d run off with him?”
She slammed the door. “Did you see the ridiculous shoes she had on?”
Closing his eyes, he pinched the bridge of his nose, as if she were the one suddenly behaving irrationally.
She threw up her hands. “Why did you even come to the park? I left so you could sleep, and you got up anyway. Then you tracked me down like some kind of bloodhound.”
“Sit down,” he said, looking out the window again.
“No! You’re getting pretty bossy. I don’t like it.”
“Kate.” He stared at her for a few beats. “Just do as I ask, and sit down.” His chest rose and fell as if he’d just run up three flights of stairs. “Please.”
He was acting like an ass, and she didn’t like it. She yanked a chair away from the table and sat.
He seemed as if he didn’t have a clue as to what he wanted to say. Then he took two glasses from the drain board, reached into the pantry, and pulled down a bottle of whiskey.
“Are you serious?” She looked pointedly at the clock over the stove. It was quarter after eleven.
He didn’t answer. Although she never drank whiskey, and wasn’t drinking at all, since she was nursing, he poured a shot into each glass, pushed one in front of her, and threw his back. His hands shook as he poured a second glass.
What the hell. “Now you’re scaring me.”
He didn’t answer. He just drained the contents of the glass, then poured another.
“Billy, talk to me.”
When their eyes met, she saw something unfamiliar, unsettling.
“That woman in the park?” He watched her face. “That was my mother.”
It took a few moments to process what he’d said.
“I don’t understand. She said she worked around the corner—”
“She’s lying,” he shouted. “It just proves she’s up to no good. If she wanted to see me, she’d have come to the apartment.” He gestured wildly. “She obviously knows where to find us. She’s probably been watching you, knows your routine.”
He reached for the bottle, but Kate was quicker.
“That’s enough. I get that you’re upset, but please stop.”
A tiny muscle pulsed through the scruff lining his jaw.
“She’s probably looking for money.”
“Money? We don’t have any money. I don’t understand.”
Rhiannon called from the living room.
Before Kate could rise from the table, he stopped her. “I’ll go. We’ll talk later, okay? Tonight. After they’re in bed.”
Waiting for her to agree, he lifted his eyebrows, making the fine white scar above his eye stand out. She wasn’t sure if the tightness in her chest was due to the sudden, bizarre appearance of his mother or because he might finally be ready to share some of his secrets.
Chapter Fifty
Kate sat across from him on the living room floor. She took one last bite of her pizza, then pushed the plate away.
“Not hungry?”
“Not really.”
On any given day, Billy could easily put away three-quarters of a pie by himself, but not tonight. He couldn’t eat. Drinking was another story. He filled his glass, then held out the bottle of wine.
“Yeah.” She raised her glass. “I have formula for Devin.”
“I’ll get up with him during the night, give you a break.”
The edges of her mouth curled. “In that case, fill ’er up.”
The sound of children playing in the courtyard below had faded as evening settled in, and other than the occasional sound of traffic on Avenue C, it had grown quiet. Billy set the bottle on the floor beside him. There was a part of him that still didn’t want to tell Kate anything about his past. A part that was afraid if she knew the kind of parents he’d had, she’d pack up the kids and leave. Especially when she figured out he wasn’t much better than what he’d come from.
When he looked up, wide gray-green eyes were watching him. Her hair tumbled over her shoulders in long, loose waves. A small frown tugged at her mouth. God, she was beautiful.
“Would it help if I told you I already know a little?” she asked in a small voice. She pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs.
He leaned against the couch. A worm of apprehension gnawed at his belly, turning what
little he had eaten into a doughy, indigestible lump. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
“What are you talking about?”
“Luann told me some things the night before we got married.”
Fucking Luann. “Like what?”
“That your dad used to beat you and your grandfather ran him off.” She began to rock. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you I knew, but I just figured you’d tell me when you were ready.”
He ran his hand through his hair. “What else did she say?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
He shook his head. “I wish it were. There’s a lot you don’t know about me, about my past. And I’m sorry about that. Some of it I’m still not ready to talk about. But there are some things you need to know. Maybe it will help you understand why I’m so fucked up.” He pulled her into his lap and kissed her hair as she rested against his shoulder.
He’d had all day to think about what to say, yet he still found himself stumbling over the words. “I guess I should start with an apology. I let you believe my parents were dead. Obviously, my mother isn’t. I’m not sure about my father, although I hope he’s rotting in hell.”
Kate picked up his hand and wove her fingers between his. When she gave them a squeeze, he continued.
“My mother left when my father did. She’d come back from time to time. Last time I saw her before today was right after I started my junior year at KU. She showed up, totally unexpected. I was happy to see her. I always thought this time would be different, ya know?” He snorted. “She took me out to dinner. I showed her around campus. It seemed almost normal, like anybody else’s mom coming for a visit. The next day, she came to my apartment, acting all nervous and jerky. She wanted money. Told me she needed to get into rehab, said she couldn’t afford it. I knew she drank, but she’d started using, too. Said she needed to get sober and I was the only one she could count on.”
Kate’s fingers were tracing circles over the muscles in his back. Her touch against his skin was soothing, helped keep the past from getting too close.
