by Donna Alward
She rested her head on her elbow. Last night she’d realized something unbelievable. In that moment, just before they’d hit the bedroom, she’d finally understood why she’d never felt free to explore her sexuality. Tears stung her eyes and she blinked them away, wondering how, in all her years of self-examination and acceptance, she hadn’t really got to the truth. It all went back to that junior year of high school, when she’d missed her period and had found out she was pregnant. She’d been so scared to tell her mother, but had thought maybe this time they’d work through something together. Instead she’d been forced to get rid of it. There had been no question of keeping the baby. And Willow had equated that guilt with her sexuality and had never quite felt worthy of sex being an enjoyable part of her life. She didn’t deserve it.
Until last night. Last night it hadn’t mattered anymore.
She shifted her weight, but the slight movement disturbed Ethan. His eyes opened and he lifted a hand, wiping away the grit in the corners.
“I didn’t mean to wake you.”
He smiled a little. “I’m not used to sleeping with someone else in the bed. I don’t mind the early wake-up.”
“I think it’s after five. Probably closer to six. I have to be downstairs at six-thirty. I’m sorry about that.”
“Well, I won’t say I’m not disappointed,” he said, reaching under the sheet to curl his hand over her hip. He pulled her closer to him, and she felt just how awake he was. “But I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”
“You certainly are,” she teased, and did a little reaching of her own.
“Be careful. You might not make it to work on time.”
“I have an understanding boss.” She stretched again, then lifted her arm over her head, inviting him to partake of her breasts. He took the hint and she sighed with pleasure; and then sighs filled the room for another ten minutes.
“Now that’s a good morning.” Ethan flopped over onto his back and put his arm over his head on the pillow.
“You are a horrible distraction.”
“Thank you.”
She looked over at him, her heart dangerously entangled. “So, no regrets?”
He turned his head to look at her. “About last night? Are you kidding?”
“I don’t usually…”
“Hell, I know that. Me, either.”
“And you didn’t like me at first…”
“You didn’t like me, either. You told me I was in need of serenity.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t be. You were right. More than that, I had to start living again. I got so caught up with resenting what I’d lost, I forgot to look at what was right in front of me.”
“Yeah, you’re human.” She kept the sheet tucked beneath her armpits and smiled at him. “So we’re good?”
“Of course.”
They were quiet for a moment and then Ethan spoke again. “I don’t want you to feel like there’s any pressure, Willow. Despite what happened last night, we can still take it slow. You know, emotionally.”
Message received: physical intimacy okay, falling in love on the back burner. It was precisely what she wanted. One complication at a time. Living in the present. So why did his statement leave her feeling strangely empty?
“It would be foolish to rush into anything serious,” she agreed, but her smile was a little more forced. “You’ve got the boys to consider. We both have baggage to work through.”
“Right. But damn…” he reached out and ran his fingers up her arm. “I want to see you again. Soon.”
She laughed. “Well, there’s always yoga tonight. Since I missed this morning’s session.”
He winked. “I did notice you are rather bendy.”
She raised an eyebrow. “This is a new side of you. You’re a tease.”
“Only when I’m happy.”
They lay there another few minutes, until Willow knew she couldn’t put it off any longer. “I’ve got to get moving or Emily will quit. She’s already been putting in extra hours.”
“You should make her your manager.”
For the first year and a half, the café had been Willow’s entire life. Sure, she’d made time for Laurel and Hannah now and then, but she’d been putting in mad hours and had yet to take any sort of holiday. Emily was more than capable. The way she’d stepped in during the organizing of the food bank was proof enough of that.
“I’ve considered changing her role, to be honest, but she’s not managing now, so I’ve got to hop in the shower and get going.” She slid out of the bed, slightly self-conscious that she was naked. “Take your time, though. Go back to sleep, use the shower, help yourself to breakfast. Whatever you want.”
He laughed. “I think our roles are usually reversed.”
She looked over her shoulder and grinned. “Yeah, but I’m not your usual girl.”
“You got that right,” he said, and she disappeared into the bathroom.
* * *
Ethan helped himself to the shower, enjoying the fresh scent of Willow’s soap and shampoo that clung to the damp walls. He dressed in his clothes from last night, assessing the wrinkles in his pants and shirt. His tie was still crammed into his pants pocket. He needed to go home and change and then he was going to head to his mom and dad’s to give his father a hand taking down a tree in the backyard. Aiden had the day off as well, and they’d planned it so they could both be there to cut it down safely and then clean up the mess. Better to do it now, than have it fall in the winter during an ice storm or something.
He was whistling a tuneless ditty when he descended the back stairs and headed for his SUV. At least he hadn’t parked on the street. It was early enough no one else was around. The food bank wouldn’t open for another few hours. The scent of fresh baking filled the air, presumably from the café, and his stomach growled. Still, he wouldn’t embarrass Willow by going in for breakfast, doing the walk of shame.
“Oh my shit. You guys finally did it.”
He looked up sharply to find Hannah staring at him from the corner of the building.
“Christ, Hannah.” He ran his hand over his still-wet hair.
“It’s about time you both got laid.”
He scowled. “You do not want to go there. It’s been a hell of a long time for you, too.”
She shrugged, though two dots of color rose on her cheeks. “You don’t know everything.”
He raised an eyebrow. “What are you even doing here so early?”
She pointed at a garbage can at her feet. “My cleaning service of one is on summer holidays this week. I’m on janitor duty.”
“Just my luck,” he muttered.
“So, you and Willow. You’re a thing?”
“Leave it alone, Han. It’s nobody’s business but ours.”
“Sure. Just because you’re my big brother and she’s my friend, means I shouldn’t care about either of you at all.”
He stepped forward and looked his sister dead in the eye. “If you really mean that, you’ll leave this alone and let us handle it ourselves. Willow’s not the kind to want her personal life to be grist for the gossip mill, got it?”
Hannah tsked. “My, my. So protective.”
“I’m not in the mood for your teasing, Hannah.” Truthfully, now that Willow was gone, he was worried about what he’d said to her about taking it slow emotionally. He didn’t want her to think he was only hanging around for sex, but he also didn’t want to rush into anything where hearts were involved. “You don’t need to take it upon yourself to inform the family.”
Hannah’s face softened. “Big brother,” she said quietly, coming forward. “Willow is one in a million. I know she’s had it rough, though she’d never really said why. But she’s beautiful, inside and out. Maybe a little freaky with all her zen stuff, but I love her.”
He laughed a little. Hannah liked her ironman training, but he couldn’t imagine her sitting still through any sort of meditation or have the time for a yoga practic
e.
“I think you need someone like her,” Hannah continued. “You’ve looked happier lately, like you’re not carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. If she’s the cause of that, I’m glad.”
He didn’t know what to say. He was so used to the family either giving him crap or tiptoeing around him that her honesty was refreshing.
“I’ve surprised you.”
“I shouldn’t be, I suppose.” He put his hand in his pocket, felt his tie. “Pop talked to me a while back, too. I haven’t been ready to move on, Han. I still need to take it in steps.”
Sympathy filled her eyes. “Of course you do. I’m just saying I’m glad that you’ve started taking those steps.”
“I’m going home to change and eat and then I’m heading to Mom and Dad’s with Aiden.”
“The boys are still in Montpelier?”
“Until the holiday Monday. I have to go pick them up that morning.”
She nodded, then turned with her trash can and took it to the dumpster. “You’re a good dad, Ethan. You deserve some happiness for yourself. And the boys love her. At least you don’t have to worry about that.”
She sent him a wink and headed back to her office, but Ethan stood there for a minute, thinking about what she’d just said. It was true; the boys loved Willow. She was good to them, and good for them, with her smiles and gentleness. She’d be a fabulous mother …
But what if the boys got too attached and things didn’t work out? How could they deal with losing another person they cared about? And what about him? He was doing a good job of living in the now, but behind the bubble of happiness was a heavy weight, reminding him of what it felt like to lose the person you loved. Did he want to risk going through that again? Could they just keep it casual for now?
As he started his car, he frowned. “Casual” wasn’t how he’d describe last night. Being with Willow, making love to her … it had blown his mind. Not just physically, but the way they’d been in tune with each other. The moment when their eyes had met, her hair spread out on the pillow and her delicate fingers digging into his shoulders, something had clicked, like a puzzle piece you didn’t expect to fit but did.
It might already be too late for emotional caution.
CHAPTER 16
Willow sat in The Purple Pig office, doing up the week’s order for baking supplies. She really should have done it last night, but with her date and all … She paused, her pencil hovering over the order form. She loved the café. She doubted she would ever put in less than a forty-hour week. But she’d been sneaking far more hours here and there for personal time, and she had two choices. She either had to stop doing that, or she had to reassess the café’s manpower requirements.
The idea of making Emily a managing partner made a lot of sense. It would mean training someone new as regular staff; maybe two people. Steven would be starting school again in September, and even though he commuted, his availability would take a serious hit.
And to hire new staff, she needed to look at profitability and what she could possibly sustain. The landlord had given her three free months for the additional square footage for the food bank, but she had nine more months of the contract that she was on the hook for. She had to decide what she was going to do with that space.
Maybe she should seriously look at expansion. Fall was busy, too, and then there was a brief slowdown before ski season picked up again.
But first, she had to talk to Emily. The most important thing was to make sure the current arrangement was as strong as possible.
After the lunch rush, she grabbed a cup of tea and then asked Em to join her in the office. She didn’t beat around the bush. “Emily, you’ve been carrying extra weight around here all summer, and I think it’s time you had a proper title. Would you be interested in becoming the café manager, with the possibility of leading into partnership? I’d still be here, but I’d delegate more of the responsibilities to you. Things like weekly scheduling, deposits, that kind of stuff. I can’t afford to give you a huge raise, but there’ll be something. I trust you to look after The Pig.”
Emily’s eyes lit. “I’d love that! I haven’t minded the extra hours, or the responsibility, but having something a little more formalized would be great.”
“I’ve noticed you’re very organized, so of course you’d like to have things official and laid out in writing. I probably should have done it before now. So that’s a yes?”
“Yes. It does mean we’re going to need some new staff, though. Steven’s cutting his hours soon and while we’ve still got Mary and Tina, I think we need another solid day person. At least one. We might be able to make do with a few part-time high school students.”
“I agree.” They took a few minutes to go over staffing issues and then Willow sat back with a satisfied sigh.
Emily grinned at her. “You can tell I’ve been thinking about this a lot.”
Willow nodded. “I’ll draft up a want ad and post it in the weekly paper, plus the Chamber website. Oaklee is in charge of that, I think. And Em—I want you to sit in on the interviews.”
“If that’s what you want, of course.” Emily smiled. “Thanks, Willow.
“Thank you, Em.”
Emily sipped at the coffee she’d brought in with her. “So does this mean you’re going to have a more active social life? Rumor has it you’ve been out with Ethan Gallagher.”
Willow knew she was blushing; she could feel the heat in her face. “We’ve gone out a few times, but that’s all. I just think it’s time I paced myself a little better. Plus, if we decide to grow or do something with the space next door, I need to delegate more.”
“Nice dodge, but that’s okay. I know you’re a private person.” Emily grinned at her. “Just so you know, though, Ethan Gallagher is one hot DILF.”
“Oh my—” Willow choked on a laugh, “DILF?”
“Dad I’d like to … you know.”
“I know! I know! Just … God. I can’t even right now.” And she burst out laughing. What else could she do? It wasn’t as if she disagreed.
They ended the meeting and Willow spent an hour in the kitchen, doing prep for lunchtime sandwiches and snacks. Traffic was busy, particularly as the weather was gorgeous and people were out enjoying the last of the summer vacation days with their families.
Once the rush was over, she organized the kitchen, baked enough muffins and cookies to replenish the front display, did supper prep, and then grabbed a sandwich for herself and disappeared into the office to draft a want ad and finish the weekly order. When it was sent, she checked her watch. Seven. Where had the day gone? She’d hardly had time to think about Ethan and try to make sense of what had happened last night. Or where they went from here.
At eight she turned over the CLOSED sign and locked the door, then everyone chipped in to make sure the floors were mopped, tables wiped, napkins and sugar dispensers filled, and the café readied for the next day. Willow rang off the cash and ran the reports, then locked everything in the safe for the next deposit.
Eight thirty. She sighed, said good night to the staff and headed upstairs. Her stomach felt uneasy and a strange sort of tension settled between her shoulder blades. She hadn’t thought of Ethan much today, but now that the café was closed and she was all alone, she couldn’t help but wonder what he’d been thinking since this morning.
She needed some tea and deep breathing and a slow, calming practice to quiet her mind.
She brewed a cup of jasmine tea, letting the flowery scent envelop her. She changed into her favorite yoga leggings—pale pink ones—and a top in light blue. The airy colors made her feel lighter, and once her tea was gone she sat on her mat, folded her legs, closed her eyes, and began to center herself with a So Hum meditation.
Sooooo … Deep inhale, filling her stomach, diaphragm, lungs.
Hummmm … A long, slow exhale, emptying fully, relaxing her shoulders, envisioning the tension leaving through her toes and fingers. Over and over, with nothi
ng but the sound of her breath, the connection with her body and spirit. So hum … I am … and the quiet peace and strength that came from the simple mantra.
She opened her eyes slowly. Then she stood, anchored her feet in the center of her mat, took a long inhale, and stretched upward into a simple Standing Mountain pose.
A knock sounded at the door.
She exhaled and lowered her arms, while her heart abandoned its early calm and peace and started up a rapid tattoo of anticipation. Was it Ethan? She had said that tonight was yoga night … but she’d never really thought he’d show up so soon.
She padded over to the door, her bare feet soundless on the hardwood. When she opened it, there he stood, dressed in khaki cargo shorts and a white T-shirt with some sort of logo on the front in green. His clean, slightly spicy scent enveloped her—he’d just showered. In one hand he held a small bouquet of flowers.
“Ethan,” she said breathlessly. So much for playing it cool, she realized. That breathy sound communicated exactly how she was feeling right now, seeing him again.
“For you. I didn’t think you were the hothouse type. Laurel let me raid the garden.”
“They’re lovely. Thank you, Ethan. Come on in.”
He stepped inside while she took the flowers to the kitchen and found a pretty blue bottle to put them in. There was one stalk of purple-blue delphinium, then several daisies, black-eyed Susans, colorful asters, and a few deep pink coneflowers. Nothing exotic, but she loved them because Ethan understood she preferred a simple, colorful bouquet over something more extravagant and showy.
She took them to the living area and set them on the end table by the futon. “These are so pretty, Ethan, thank you.”
He’d taken off his sandals and left them by the door. When she turned to speak to him, she couldn’t help but look down at his feet. There was something personal about bare feet. She wasn’t sure if it was humbling, or if it was a lack of artifice, but it was hard for a person to be something they weren’t when they were barefoot.
And she was sure if she tried to articulate that, Ethan would look at her like she had nine heads.
