by Lexi Blake
He heard a groan from Robert right before Erin used her free hand to attempt to break his nose. Theo hissed and stepped back.
“Take your orders and shove them up your ass, Taggart.” She turned away but not before he saw a sheen of tears in her eyes.
Fuck.
Faith stepped in front of him, a frown on her face. “Who the hell are you? You sure look like Theo, but you don’t act like him at all.”
She turned on her heels and stalked off after Erin, not even offering to check Theo’s nose to see if Erin had broken the cartilage. Theo wiped the blood off as he stared after her.
He’d ruined everyone’s night.
Nick clapped a hand on his shoulder. “You see, I told you you were foolish man.”
“Fuck you.” He stepped back, breaking the contact as he thought seriously about walking into the ladies locker room after Erin and dragging her out. Of course, if he tried that she would likely pull his balls off and shove them down his throat. That’s what Erin did when she was threatened.
“Of course.” Nick bowed slightly. “I couldn’t possibly help you. Good luck, Taggart. Owen, shall we get changed?”
He watched as Nick began to turn and walk off. Robert stood next to him. At least he always had Robert. Robert, who had no idea what he was doing either.
“Dude, you did not handle that well.” Robert was shaking his head.
It was time to retreat. He would go up to his room and play some inane game on his tablet and have a beer or something. He would sit up again all night trying to figure out how to handle things.
Or he could man the fuck up.
“Markovic?” Theo rushed to catch up to the retreating Russian.
He turned around, one brow climbing over his right eye.
“Let me buy you a drink and maybe you can tell me what you think I should do.” Everyone else treated him with kid gloves. Well, everyone except Erin, who punched him in the face when he was an asshole. His brothers would all tell him to be patient, that time would work everything out. His sister-in-laws would baby him.
Markovic might tell him some hard truths and he needed to hear them.
Markovic nodded at Owen and then toward the bar. “Come then, I have good vodka in the back. There no one will care we’re not in leathers.”
“I’m heading to bed.” Robert stepped back. “Good luck.”
Theo followed the Russian to the back of the bar and through the door that led to the kitchens. It was quieter here, and there was something soothing about the distant thud of music. “Who was I? Was I this asshole I seem to turn into whenever I’m around her?”
Nick chuckled, a deeply amused sound. He strode to one of two professional-sized refrigerators and opened the freezer drawer. “You were always possessive, but you were a much smarter man then. Whatever drugs the doctor gave you took all your finesse away.”
He could believe that. “You knew me well?”
Nick pulled out a frosty bottle of vodka and set it on the counter before seeking out two shot glasses. “I watched you and Erin closely on the last op. Before that we’d worked together once when Ian was testing me. It was a short job, but we were friendly enough.”
“You liked me?” God, that sounded stupid, but he kind of wanted to know.
“Well enough. I did think you were very smart man.” He poured out a healthy swig of vodka. “You were reckless, but you were also young and arrogant. I allowed you that. It was the way you handled your woman that made me think you were an intelligent man who would one day be as good an operative as she was.”
The old Theo seemed to have been a bit behind his girl. “Did that bother me? That everyone thought she was so much better than I was in the field?”
“Does it bother you now?”
It wasn’t something he’d spent much time thinking about. He had plenty of other things to worry about. If Erin was better in the field than he was, it was because she was smart and quick and she’d earned everyone’s respect. “I don’t care. She’s got way more experience than I do and she’s smarter. It doesn’t make me mad. It makes me proud of her.”
“There’s the Theo I knew.” He slid the shot glass Theo’s way. “Many men would be intimidated by how competent Erin was, but you were not. You knew your worth, and your masculinity wasn’t tied up in being stronger than all the women around you. You saw past her walls to the jewel she could be inside if she was simply loved and made to feel safe.”
“You got all that from watching us?”
“I recognized a kindred spirit. I knew what you were doing because I went through it all with my Des.” Nick held up the shot glass. “To fierce women and the men who are smart enough to love them.”
That was something he could drink to. He shot back the cold liquid and came up coughing. “What the hell was that?”
Nick’s lips curled up and he sighed in obvious appreciation. “That is pure Russian vodka. None of that fancy French shit.”
He’d had some pretty strong liquor in his brief time, but this was something else entirely. Still, he was intrigued by the conversation. “So how would old me have handled that scene tonight?”
Nick poured two more shots. “The old you wouldn’t have found yourself in that position. The old you would have sat with Erin and decided together on what you would do. The old you respected her and never treated her like a piece of property.”
“I’m not treating her like property. I’m treating her like someone I should protect.”
“As I say before, I would agree if this was another woman, but there is a core to Erin that will never accept being left behind when her man goes to war. She’s a warrior herself.”
“She’s also a mom.”
“And you are a father,” Nick shot back. “Does this mean you will hide away? Or are you clinging to the idea that the woman should give up herself when she has a child? You can continue on, though we’ve agreed she’s the better operative. Is this because you have the penis?”
He growled in frustration. “I didn’t say that.”
“No, but your actions speak louder than words.”
“Are you trying to tell me if you could go back, you wouldn’t try to protect Des? You wouldn’t ensure that she stayed home where she would be safe?”
“If I attempt this, first she takes my balls, as you Americans would say. Second, if she allow me to do this, she wouldn’t have been my Des. That is the true problem you’re faced with. You try to make your woman into something she is not and now she has to wonder if you love her at all or if you simply are with her because your family told you to.”
“That’s not it. I knew there was something about her even when I didn’t know who she was. When I was on the drugs, I could still…I don’t know how to explain it. I could still feel her. When McDonald would try to get me to…”
Nick’s face went grave. “When she would try to rape you. Is that what you’re saying? There’s no shame in it, brother. You were the victim. Again, let go of old ideas about what it means to be a man. A man survives. A man keeps going no matter what happens. A man can be hurt and wounded and torn up inside and still come out on the other side. The shame is not in that it happened. The shame is in allowing it to cost you what you truly love.”
“I don’t think she did.” Theo took another shot. It warmed him at the very least, even though it tasted like fire rushing down his throat. “But I can’t remember. I dream about it at night and then I wake up and try to attack anyone close to me.”
“Good thing your woman is so competent then. She’ll put you on your ass.”
“And if I manage to hurt her?”
“She’ll handle it, Taggart. She’ll count it as little payment for having you alive. She hit you earlier. Does it make you want to run away and hide?”
Theo rolled his eyes at the silliness of that idea. “I grabbed her and was a complete dick to her. I deserved it. She doesn’t deserve it.”
“What does she deserve?”
He th
ought about that all the time. “A man who can take care of her. A man who’s whole.”
“You don’t remember this but one night we had dinner with Brody and he asks you if you don’t deserve better than Erin, and I will never forget what you say to him.”
Theo frowned. “The Aussie? He thought I deserved better than Erin? Asshole. What the fuck did he think was wrong with her?”
Nick waved him off. “That doesn’t matter. What you say back to him does. You told him it didn’t matter what you deserved. It mattered what your heart needed. You say you need her more than all other women. What she deserves is meaningless. What her heart needs is you.”
“I don’t exist, Nick. Not the way I did.”
Nick shrugged. “Then you should wish her well and leave her. The heart is a funny thing. It heals for some. Perhaps it will heal for her and she will find someone who she can be content with. Not to love. I don’t think she’ll truly love again, but she can find companionship, a measure of happiness. And you can move on to someone you can be happy with. If you have changed so much you can no longer love her for who she is, it is best to let her get on with her life, but either way, I suggest strongly that you don’t give her more orders. She doesn’t take them well.”
He ignored the last bit. He’d already figured that out. “Do you think I haven’t thought about walking away from her? I’ve tried to keep my distance. I don’t think I’m good for her or the boy.”
Nick’s eyes narrowed. “If you can’t even admit that he’s your child, then walk away now. I’ll buy you a fucking ticket out. If you’ve changed so damn much that there’s no room in your heart for a child, get the fuck out of here because the doctor defeated you. You might as well have died. I think about it a lot. I wonder what would have happened if it had been Desiree and not you who came back. I wonder does the universe only give so many chances and you took hers. I wonder why God would bring you back when you so clearly wish to be dead. You ask me why I am angry with you. This is why. Because you get a chance she does not and you waste it. You waste it on anger and fear when you should open your arms and embrace the fact that you have a life, that you have a son.”
“Even if I could hurt him?”
Nick pointed at him, his face flush with emotion. “You hurt him by rejecting him, by walking away, by not fighting for him. But do it. Walk away because one day he’ll figure out his father is a walking corpse. It won’t matter because that woman of yours won’t ever stop fighting for her son. That’s who she is. She’ll take the love she would have given to you and pour it into him. She’ll be fine. Walk away.”
Something dark was in Nick’s eyes. Theo had dismissed him because there seemed to be animosity between them, but how would he have felt in Nick’s shoes?
He’d focused so much on his own struggles that he’d completely forgotten what it meant to empathize with another human being. All their lives Case had been the strong one, the stalwart one, but Theo had been able to understand the people around him. It had been his strength and he’d been proud of how he’d treated others.
It was why he was a good partner to Erin, who so often viewed the world as a puzzle to be solved and needed someone to draw her out and pull her into her humanity, to remind her she was a woman as well as a warrior.
The ideas floated in his brain and any other time he would have pounced on them, attempting to grasp and hold them. Tonight he was content that he’d had them and allowed them to sit, not chasing some mystical connection to his past. Wasn’t that what Kai had told him to do? Let it come and go as it wished. He had the answer to at least one of his questions.
“I loved her for everything she was. I loved every part of her. I sense that, but I can’t quite tap into it,” he said quietly. “I want to love our son, but I don’t feel it. What if I never feel it?”
Nick leaned against the cabinet, another shot of vodka in hand. “Then you aren’t the man I thought you were.”
How would he know if he didn’t really try? He’d taken the first shot he had at distancing himself. From her. From them.
He was fighting it so hard, not trusting that he would ever fully remember. Not trusting that he could be who he’d been.
How would he know if he didn’t truly try?
What did he want to do tonight?
He wouldn’t be able to sleep unless he’d done something, unless he’d handled the situation in some way. The only question was what should he do?
“What would the old me do? I don’t think she’ll accept a simple apology at this point and she’s not a hearts and flowers girl.” He didn’t need memory to tell him that.
The door opened and Damon ushered the man who’d been hitting on Erin inside. “I’m pretty sure this is where Nick keeps the strong stuff.”
He’d ruined Knight’s evening. He’d ruined Erin’s. Should he go to bed and start over in the morning?
Or prove he wasn’t as soft and cuddly as the old Theo had been?
“Has Erin gone up to her room yet?”
Knight didn’t look happy to see him. “She’s still in the locker room with Faith, but I swear I’ll toss you out on your arse if you barge in there and start another fight. I won’t care how much I owe your brother. I won’t have a sub treated like that in my club. I’ll have Ian send me a copy of your contract in the morning and I’ll settle the dispute between you, but understand my word is law in this club and in that business.”
Naturally Damon couldn’t stand him. Theo had run the mission that led to one of his operatives being killed in the field. He was surprised Nick had even tried to help him.
“I’m going to take care of her. If I can’t make things right with her tonight, you can kick me out in the morning. What room is she in?”
Knight’s brow arched in a regal fashion. “I thought I told you I didn’t want more drama.”
Nick stepped up, bottle of vodka in hand. “Give him a break, Damon. And the girl. She loves him and they have a child. If he tries to get her back, who are we to stop him? Besides, she’ll kill him if she’s upset and then the problems are all solved. Now, my lord, why don’t you come with me? I’m in a drinking mood tonight. Let us sit and drink and remember our departed.”
“I could use a drink,” Weston said. “But god, please call me Clive. I know this one means it as a dig, but I want to be me here, not some aristocrat.”
Nick put a hand on his shoulder. “Well, drink with the peasants then. This is Russian vodka. It will make even the highest king into a man of the people. I’ll make sure our friend gets to one of the guest rooms this evening. And Taggart, don’t forget what I said.”
Knight nodded to Nick, murmuring his thanks as he escorted Theo out. “You need to get to bed. You can sort out your problems with your woman in the morning. We’ve had enough drama for one night. There. That’s Frank in the back moving toward the lifts. Catch up with him and he can show you to your room. He’s got your baggage. He’s also got keys to all the rooms. I’m going to find my wife and try to salvage something from this blasted evening.”
“I’m sorry, Damon. I assure you we’ll keep our drama to ourselves.” It was obvious the man wasn’t going to help him. Or had he already helped him? He’d said Frank had keys to all the guest rooms. If Erin wasn’t already up there, all he needed was a passkey and some slick talk to convince Frank to let him in her room and not Robert’s. He turned to Knight. “And I’m sorry about Des. I can’t tell you how sorry I am about what happened to her and what your team went through. It was my call and my responsibility.”
Knight turned dark eyes on him, but there was a measure of sympathy there. “We’ve all made calls in the field that cost our people. You don’t even bloody remember it.”
That didn’t matter. “It’s still my mistake and I’ll live with it. Unless the doc catches me again and then I’ll totally forget again.”
Knight’s mouth dropped open. “That’s nothing to joke about, brother.”
“If I don’t, I’ll end up
with Nick and his lordship, and I don’t want to cry into my beer tonight…or whatever the hell that was Nick had. I’ll see you in the morning and I intend to have that woman sitting beside me.” He ran across the dungeon floor.
He was a man on a mission and he wasn’t going to mess this one up.
* * * *
Erin slipped TJ into the crib in the room next to hers. The last few nights she’d slept cuddled up with him, but she was fairly certain she wouldn’t sleep at all tonight. She would pace and try to decide how to deal with her asshole ex.
That was how she was going to think of him from now on. He was just another asshole who thought he owned her.
No. She forced herself to stop. That was the old Erin talking, the Erin she’d been before Theo, the one who always saw the worst in everything and everyone and who thought the world was always going to shit on her so she walked away first.
She looked down at her sleeping boy. She couldn’t be that Erin anymore. She had to be this kiddo’s mom and that meant sticking it out and working for the best. No more walking away.
Kai’s words came back to her. Was she going to give up on Theo? He’d never given up on her. Of course she might have settled that issue tonight since she’d punched him. He was much more Dominant than he used to be so that had likely been a big mistake on her part.
She leaned over and kissed her baby one last time, a wistful feeling coming over her. They were safe here at The Garden. Damon Knight knew how to build a shelter. Bulletproof glass, well-guarded points of entry, a highly vetted staff, all of whom were deadly loyal to Knight and his guests. It was the perfect place to stay while they hunted McDonald down, but she would have to leave now. Despite what she’d said earlier, she wasn’t going to fight Theo if he pushed her. That would be dangerous for both of them. She glanced out the window before closing the blinds. She’d thought she could show Theo they could stay together, but he didn’t want to.
