Charlotte shook her head. “Your mother and your ex made their own decisions. The fact that you couldn’t give Amy a baby is no excuse for what she did. And do you really think I’m the same kind of woman she is?”
“No, you’re nothing like her. But the fact remains that I can’t get you pregnant, Charlotte.”
She nodded slowly, a tear glistening in the corner of her eye. “So you were going to decide for both of us that you had nothing more to offer me than your infertility. Or that if you did, I would eventually end up resenting you and become a cheater?”
“Don’t make it sound like that.”
“I didn’t. You did.”
“Damn it, Charlotte. I like you. A lot, which means I want you to be happy.”
She gave him the saddest smile. “But didn’t you stop to consider that pulling away from me does not make me happy? I was really starting to think there was something special between us before that day.”
“There was. There is.”
She shrugged. “Possibly. But how would you ever really know if you didn’t share your fears with me? You didn’t share all of yourself.”
His eyes clamped shut as he processed what she was saying.
“I think … I’m going to go.”
Dean’s eyes shot open. “Please don’t,” he said.
“I’m not saying we’re over, Dean. I just need to think about this.” Charlotte stood up and reached for her purse.
“Charlotte, please…”
She lifted a hand and put it on his jaw. “You’re not the only one with fears and insecurities, Dean. You got to process yours. Now it’s my turn. The only thing I can promise is that I won’t leave you in the dark for too long. I’ll call you soon, okay?”
All he could do was let her go.
Thirty
Charlotte walked into her mother’s house and was greeted by the familiar smell of homemade chicken and noodles, her father’s favorite meal.
“Happy Birthday, Daddy,” Charlotte said, wrapping her arms around her father’s broad shoulders.
“How’s my girl?” he asked over her shoulder.
“Good. Busy.” When they pulled out of their hug, she handed him a plastic container and a card.
“Is this what I think it is?” He grinned.
“Of course. I’d never dream of coming without your cookies.”
He chuckled and headed for his favorite chair in front of the television, popping the container open as he went.
“No cookies before lunch, Robert Linley,” Charlotte’s mother yelled from the kitchen.
“Okay,” he yelled, his words muffled from a giant bite of cookies. He sent Charlotte a wink. “Thanks, pumpkin.”
Charlotte smiled and headed for the kitchen. She’d been making her dad peanut butter chocolate cookies for his birthday since she could remember. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hey, sweetie, could you hand me that tureen on the counter?” Her mother looked tired. She’d probably been up all morning cleaning and cooking for her family. Charlotte would comment that she shouldn’t have, but she knew her mother would not have had it any other way.
Grabbing the large white bowl, she carried it over to her mother, holding it steady so she could fill it with the delicious-smelling noodles.
“Looks so good.”
“Thank you. I haven’t made it since last year so I’m a little excited myself. Can you carry that to the table? There’s a lid over there. That’ll keep it hot until your brother and Beth get here.”
After carefully placing the stoneware lid on the tureen, Charlotte walked back over to her mother, who was busy placing rolls into the oven.
“Mom, before everyone gets here, do you think we could talk for a moment?”
She should wait, have this discussion after the meal, when they could go find some privacy. But she was afraid she’d lose her nerve. She also wouldn’t enjoy being here with all of these emotions built up inside her.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Her mother faced her, eyes full of concern.
“Everything’s fine. There’s just something I wanted to tell you. It’s old news actually, I should have told you years ago.”
Karen Linley straightened and gave Charlotte her full attention. “Do I need to sit?”
“Uh, sure. Let’s just go over here.” Leading her mother over to the counter stools at the end of the island, Charlotte sat down.
Once they were both seated, Charlotte felt her palms clam up. “Mom. I should have told you when it happened, but, well … a few weeks before my wedding to John, I miscarried.”
“Oh, honey, what?” Her mother hand reached out and touched her own.
“I was almost fifteen weeks.”
Her mother lifted the hand to her mouth and stared, her eyes wide.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. We’d intended to tell everyone I was pregnant the day after the wedding. I just wanted to focus on one thing at a time, and I didn’t want you to be disappointed, or think—”
“Charlotte, I wouldn’t have been disappointed. Honey, I can’t believe this. It hurts my feelings a little bit that you’d go through something so traumatic without coming to me. Why didn’t you?”
“I just … didn’t. It was supposed to be a happy time with our wedding coming up. I didn’t want you to be sad, I assumed that John and I could just try again right away, and then, well … you know what happened after that.”
“And John knew about it?”
Charlotte nodded.
“Did Roxanne Reynolds know? Why didn’t she tell me?”
“No! No one did but us. But for some reason I just needed to tell you now. Sometimes I’m still very sad about it.”
“Oh, honey, of course you are.” Karen sat up and pursed her lips for a moment and then spoke quietly. “I’ve never told you, but I’ve had three miscarriages. So I know very well how you feel.”
“Mom!” Charlotte felt her stomach drop. “When?”
“Two were before your brother was born, and then one before you. Each one was traumatic. Your poor father, it was so hard on him. I cried a lot. Our marriage suffered for a time. Sometimes I think he’d wanted to wash his hands of me just because I became obsessed with getting and staying pregnant. But he didn’t, and now I have both of you.”
“Oh my gosh. I wish I’d known.”
Her mother just shrugged, a weak smile on her face. “It’s not something I ever talk about, really.”
“Why do we keep these things to ourselves?”
“I wish I knew. It’s hard for a woman to talk about it, I think. People don’t always understand. But it’s a very real loss. Did you go to the doctor?”
Charlotte nodded. “John took me. He was there for me, the best he could be. But I know he was never quite as sad as I was.”
“Don’t be so sure, Charlotte. Yes, it’s different for men, but they still hurt. They’ve still lost a child they’d expected to have, and that’s devastating for anyone. But I know what you mean. They don’t have that connection to a physical life growing inside them, or the hormones coursing through their body. I think more than anything they feel helpless that they can’t take away the pain for you. It’s incredibly emotional and tragic, Charlotte. I hate knowing that I wasn’t there for you, that we were just going about our business and planning your wedding while you suffered.”
The timer on the stove went off and her mother caressed her face for a beat before she got up and pulled the bread from the oven. After setting it on a trivet, she leaned her hands on the counter. “I also hate to learn that John did what he did to you after this happened.”
“It was a rough time.” Charlotte fidgeted with the hem of her shorts.
“Next time something is troubling you, tell me. Promise?”
“Actually … there’s something else.”
Her mother looked stricken, obviously not expecting anything right away. Charlotte held out a hand. “It’s nothing serious. Well, it’s serious to me.”
> “What is it?”
“I’ve been seeing someone.”
“Oh?” Her mother’s look of concern quickly turned into a smile. “You do keep lots of things to yourself.”
“Not really, it hasn’t been serious for long. Not at all. But I’ve liked him for years.”
“Is it the man you were pretending with?”
Charlotte laughed. “Yes. We started seeing each other for real after that. But … we’ve hit a few snags. I guess you could say we each have issues.”
“Oh, Charlotte.” Her mother sat back down on her stool. “Every couple has issues, because every human does.”
“I know.” She wasn’t sure how to say this. “But ever since my relationship with John, I’ve been kind of anti-marriage.”
“I suppose that’s understandable, although I’d disagree with the stance. Marriage can be wonderful.”
“It’s not that I haven’t wanted love, but I’ve feared the commitment. Feared someone falling out of love with me. Which is why I’ve always dreamed of getting pregnant again. I knew that at the very least, a baby would be mine. Forever.”
Her mother smiled. “The love between a mother and her child is special. But it’s no replacement for romantic love, Charlotte. Our children don’t walk through life with us.”
“I know, but sometimes our romantic love interests don’t, either.”
“True. But what does that have to do with this man you’ve been seeing?”
“Well, I found out some pretty sad news.” Charlotte took a deep breath, still trying to accept the reality Dean had shared with her. “He’s infertile.”
Her mother’s eyes widened. “Oh, honey. That’s too bad. And I take it that may be a deal breaker for you?”
Charlotte sighed. “I don’t … want it to be. But it’s been difficult news to receive. I’ve feared miscarrying again in the future, but it never even occurred to me that I might meet a man who couldn’t have children.”
Her mother gave her a weak smile. “It happens, sweetie.”
Charlotte nodded. “I know. Although I think I was more upset with him for not being honest with me about it. I think part of him wanted to use that as a reason to never give us a shot in the first place.”
“Well, it’s a very understandable fear for a man, Charlotte. Relationships and babies have gone hand in hand since the beginning of time. I’m sure he didn’t want to let you down.”
“He’s also twelve years older than I am and has been married before.”
“Oh my,” she said. Charlotte waited for a protest, pleased when none came. “Well, that’s not the worst thing I suppose. You know there are alternatives to natural pregnancy. IVF, donors, even adoption.”
“I know.” Charlotte had spent days on the internet, trying to get a good idea of what this would mean for them as a couple. The thing she kept coming back to, was that obviously Dean wanted a relationship with her. He’d been thinking long term. And while she was still frustrated with how he’d handled it, she could understand his fear of disappointing her. But what did their future look like, and could she accept it?
“Mom, would you think I’m crazy for adopting?”
“Charlotte, you can’t be serious? Of course not. Your father and I would be thrilled to welcome any child of yours into our home, no matter how they came to be.”
“Thank you. I really had no doubt of that. Maybe I’m just trying to accept the idea myself.”
“Oh, sweetie, adoption could be a lovely thing. But don’t get ahead of yourself. Whether children come or not really is secondary to what matters most. Do you love this man?”
Charlotte nodded. “Yes, I love him.”
“Do you want a life with him even if it includes no children?”
The thought of that sent a wave of sadness over Charlotte. This was the exact question she’d kept asking herself. There was a time she would have said no, absolutely not. But that was before she’d fallen for him. Charlotte smiled, because out of all the uncertainty surrounding them, one thing was clear. “Yes. I do.”
Her mother patted Charlotte’s hand and then gave it a squeeze. “Then everything else will work itself out.”
* * *
Three hours later Charlotte pulled up outside Dean’s apartment building. It had been four days since she’d seen him. Deep in her heart she’d known that Dean was still the one, but she’d needed some time to process this new reality that she’d never considered. Change the story and expectations in her head, because she’d spent five years imagining what her future was supposed to look like. She couldn’t flip a switch and turn that off.
Grabbing the plastic container off her passenger seat, Charlotte got out, locked up, and headed up to the front door of his unit. It was a beautiful early July day, the sun bright, sky blue. Beautiful azaleas lined the walk up to the building.
After a deep breath, Charlotte knocked on the door, saying a silent plea that he would be happy to see her.
The door opened slowly, and Alex peeked out. Instantly a smile broke out on her face. “Charlotte, hi!”
Relieved at her warmth, Charlotte smiled back. “Hello. I hope it’s not a bad time.”
“No way, come in. But please ignore the fact that I haven’t washed my hair since you saw me last.”
“No judging here. Promise.”
The living room of Dean’s apartment was dark, the shades drawn, and the lights all off. A blanket was laid out on the sofa, the coffee table covered with glasses, balled-up tissues, and several rolls of toilet paper. Charlotte didn’t comment, just stepped to the side while Alex closed the door. There was no sign of Dean.
“Excuse the mess. I’m driving Dean nuts with my hermit lifestyle. But I can’t find it in myself to give a shit. Excuse my language also.”
“You have every right to grieve however you want, Alex. He’s just frustrated that he can’t fix it for you.”
“Ahhh, yes. I know.” Alex sat down on the couch, her baggy sweats pooling around her feet. “He’s not here by the way, but he’ll back soon. Just went to get some more toilet paper and Dr Pepper for me.”
Charlotte smiled and sat down. “I hope he doesn’t mind that I’m here. I came unannounced.”
“Are you kidding? You’re all he’s talked about since lasagna night. I’m glad you’re here. It sucks here with us both miserable. Look at this place. It’s like we’re two lonely vampires.”
A few moments later the front door opened, letting in a crack of light, and Dean stepped inside. He didn’t see Charlotte at first.
“I bought both. Toilet paper and actual tissues. With lotion.”
When no one responded, he looked up and met eyes with Charlotte.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi. Sorry I didn’t call or text.”
He dropped a massive package of toilet paper onto the floor, leaned to the side to lay down the case of soda, and then tossed the plastic grocery bag that had been hanging on his forearm to Alex. “That’s okay. I’m just glad to see you.”
Neither of them moved, and when Alex continued to sit on the sofa looking back and forth between them, Dean spoke. “Alex. Get.”
With a sigh, his little sister got up from the couch, made her way to her room, and shut the door.
“I brought you some cookies,” Charlotte said, holding up the plastic container.
Dean walked forward and took it from her slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. “Thank you.”
“They’re peanut butter chocolate. My dad’s favorite. I make them every year for him on his birthday. I figured … I might as well bring some for the other special man in my life.”
He stared into her eyes for a long time, then finally spoke, his voice low and roughed. “Do you mean that?”
“Without a doubt,” she whispered.
She took the box of cookies back from his hands, set it down on a side table, and then stepped up to him, wrapping her hands around his neck. “I won’t lie and tell you … I wasn’t sad. It was a shoc
k, and a lot to think about. But one thing you’ve made me realize is that, although love is scary and risky, it’s worth it. Any problem is solvable … except being without you. I don’t think I could handle that.”
Dean leaned his head against hers and whispered, “I love you, Charlotte.”
She bit her lip, emotion choking her up. “I love you. You alone are more than enough for me.”
“I don’t want you to ever stop feeling that way. I’ve already failed at forever once.”
She laid a finger on his lips. “Your past, my past, they have nothing to do with you and me. But I do want us to promise right now that from this moment on, we deal with our problems together. Not apart.”
“I promise.”
“When you’re worried about something, you tell me.”
Dean nodded. “Yes. Agreed. Anything.”
“Okay. Now you can kiss me,” she said with a grin.
That’s exactly what he did.
Epilogue
Charlotte held Dean’s hand as they walked down the aisle of the Maple Springs Humane Society. Set after set of big round eyes stared back at them from every kennel.
“This is too hard,” she said. “I want them all.”
Dean released her hand and put an arm around her shoulder. After pulling her in tight and dropping a kiss on her head, he whispered, “Let’s start with one for now.”
She nodded, knowing he was right, even though it was so sad.
Dean had moved into Charlotte’s house a month ago, in October. Much to the surprise and disappointment of them both, Alexis had gone ahead and decided to honor her commitment to deploy to Italy in July, so when Dean’s lease was up they’d decided to take things to the next step. It hadn’t taken Charlotte long to convince him they should adopt a rescue dog. This was their first trip out to look.
Charlotte glanced back and forth, feeling guilty every time she locked eyes with one of them. They turned a corner to go down the next aisle. The kennel to her immediate left stood open and a shelter volunteer was putting a small brown dog inside. It was shivering so badly, it could barely walk.
“Oh,” Charlotte gasped. “What’s wrong with him?”
The young man smiled up at Charlotte. “He’s cute isn’t he? His leg is injured and he’s very nervous. New. Brought in by a farmer who said he and his siblings were dumped in his ditch.”
Maybe I Do Page 29
