by Susan Lewis
Carol and I both spin round. I’m half expecting it to be Dad on the warpath, but it’s not. It’s three really dishy-looking chaps, much older than us, all wearing jeans and denim jackets. They’re on the other side of the road, but walking towards us with their thumbs hooked into their belt loops and swaggering like pop stars.
‘Who are they?’ I whisper, unable to take my eyes off the tallest one.
‘The two on the outside are Lizzie Sawyer’s brothers,’ Diane answers, ‘and the other one lives up Pound Road. His brother’s usually with them. They go round in a foursome. Oh, there he is behind, with a girl.’
My heart gives a jolt when I see who it is.
‘Isn’t that Mandy Hughes?’ Carol says.
‘She always gets all the boys,’ Diane murmurs.
Someone wolf-whistles and I realise it was one of the chaps, and the tallest is laughing and looking straight at me. He gives me a wink, and I feel myself turn as hot as the sun.
‘Hello, Sue,’ Mandy calls out as she passes us with her boyfriend.
Glowing with pride, I say, ‘Hello, Mand.’ Fancy calling her Mand, as if she’s my best friend.
‘You don’t know her, do you?’ Diane whispers, sounding impressed, and shocked.
‘Course,’ I reply.
Diane and Carol look at one another, but I’m too busy watching the chap in front to notice what kind of faces they’re pulling.
He winked at me. I want to jump up and down, or swoon, or spin round and round, because he’s the best-looking chap I’ve ever seen in my life and he noticed me.
We didn’t go to Bowleaze Cove in the end. Dad was too worried about the car letting us down, so we stayed at home. I’m in my bedroom now, writing Kev Sawyer’s name in kisses all over my diary and drawing love hearts around our initials.
I found out his name from his sister, Lizzie, who I went to infants school with ages ago. I saw her outside Tanners, the shop where we go if we need anything on Sundays. Dad had sent me round to get the Bisto he’d forgotten up Fine Fare yesterday, and when I saw Lizzie was there with her mum who was gossiping with Mrs Tanner, I was able to ask how she was, and what her brothers’ names were.
‘Why do you want to know?’ she snapped nastily.
I leaned in to whisper. ‘Don’t tell anyone,’ I said, ‘but one of my friends is really mad about the oldest one. I think he’s the oldest, anyway. He’s the tallest, and she asked me to find out what he’s called.’
‘Well, if you must know, it’s Kevin,’ she told me. ‘And the other one’s called Rich, but they’ve both got girlfriends, so they won’t be interested in you. You’re too young anyway.’
I blushed really hard. ‘It’s not me who’s interested,’ I reminded her. ‘I couldn’t care less if they’ve got girlfriends, or what their names are. I’m just trying to be nice to my friend.’
‘What’s her name?’
‘I’m not telling, or you’ll tell your brother.’
Lizzie shrugged, and changed the subject. ‘So what’s it like up that school you go to?’
‘Vile. I hate it, but I’m probably coming back home to live soon. I’ll be going to the same school as you, if I do.’
I was thinking about making her one of my friends, but now I’ve decided not to. She’s not very grown up and actually, she doesn’t smell all that nice.
I’m twelve now. It was my birthday two weeks ago. Auntie Nance baked a cake and after tea we went up Kingswood so I could spend some of my birthday money. I found this really sexy dress in Harris’s, which is usually an old-fashioned shop full of hats for weddings and stuff, but to my surprise the woman behind the counter said, ‘I’ve got just the thing for you.’
It’s black and white with a round neck and no sleeves and, best of all, it’s about two inches above my knees. I was sure Auntie Nance was going to tell the lady to put it away again, but she didn’t, so I tried it on, and because it looked so fab Auntie Nance said I could have it. It cost three pounds fifteen and six, which didn’t leave me much change from my fiver, but I had to have it, so I didn’t mind how much it cost. The trouble was, I needed to get some new brassieres and a pair of stocking tights, but if I bought them I wouldn’t have enough left to go up the shows.
So, I waited until Auntie Nance and I were in Jones’s and when she wasn’t looking I slipped two brassieres and two pairs of stocking tights into the bag with my new dress. I was so scared while I was doing it that I was shaking like mad, and for ages after I kept expecting a policeman to come up and arrest me. Luckily he didn’t, and I didn’t end up feeling guilty for long. Why should I when I’m always being made to suffer for things I didn’t do? Now I’ve actually done something bad, at least I’ll deserve it if anything goes wrong. Anyway, it’s better than having to ask Auntie Nance for the money, because she’d only start on about my bosoms getting big again and I’d end up wanting to hit her again.
What am I going to do if God punishes me by killing Dad? I felt so frightened when I thought that that I really would have gone back to the shop if it hadn’t been closing as we left.
When I got home I went straight upstairs to my room to try on my dress and new smalls. The brassieres are still a bit tight, but at least they’re better than my old ones. What I really want is to be like everyone else and go without a brassiere – or bra, as everyone calls them now – but I feel all self-conscious when my bosoms bounce as I walk, and worse than that, it makes me feel a bit sick to think of Dad being able to tell.
The tights are massive, so I have to roll them over and over at the top and even then they still bag round my ankles, so I’m having to wear a suspender belt to help keep them up anyway, which is very annoying.
Still, my dress is fabsville, and miracle of all miracles, Dad hasn’t tried to make me take down the hem.
‘I don’t think it’s right for a girl your age to show her knees,’ he told me, ‘but as long as it’s no higher than that, you’ll do.’
I chucked my arms round him and gave him a great big kiss, then realising my dress was riding up my legs I quickly got off his lap and pulled it down again.
I’m wearing it now as I bump about the dodgems with Mandy, who I waited for down by the garages. When I saw her coming I asked if she was going up the shows and she said yes, so we came here together. We’re both showing loads of leg, and giggling like mad at the boys who keep wolf-whistling and staring. I hope we don’t bump into anyone I know or they might tell Dad who I’m with, then there’ll be hell to pay and I won’t be allowed to come again.
All the boys who hang around the Anchor and Made for Ever club are up the shows tonight, strutting about like they own the place, but not one of them is anywhere near as dishy as Kev. I’ve told Mandy that I like him, so she’s going to try and help me get off with him. I feel really sick and excited when I think about that, and a bit worried in case Robert minds.
‘Do you think he’ll be bothered about my age?’ I asked while we were walking here.
‘He won’t know unless we tell him,’ she replied.
‘Let’s say I’m fourteen, shall we?’
‘Definitely. It’s how old you look, so he’s bound to believe it.’
I have a feeling she’s going to be the best friend I’ve ever had.
Apparently she’s been going out with Kev’s brother, Rich, for about a month, on and off. She’s been out with Larry and Clive Frost as well, Kev and Rich’s friends, but that was ages ago. She’s never been out with Kev, she told me, and as far as she knows he doesn’t have a steady girlfriend at the moment, so his sister was lying.
I thought as much at the time, and now I feel so excited that I could whirl round and round the big wheel and fly off like a firework, fizzing and sparkling and going off with a bang.
‘Do you think they’ll come?’ I say as we join the queue for the octopus.
‘When I saw Rich earlier he said they would,’ she answers. ‘If they don’t it’ll be because they’ve gone to the other shows over at Rodw
ay.’
This flattens me. ‘Do you think we should go over there to have a look?’ I suggest.
‘Don’t be mad. It’s miles to walk, and it’s starting to get dark.’
‘I thought you weren’t scared of being out in the dark.’
‘I’m not, but even if they’re over there, they’ll have gone by the time we turn up, so it’s not worth it. If we don’t see them tonight, there’s always tomorrow.’
Twirling and swooping about on the octopus cheers me up a bit, and winning a goldfish on the firing range makes me shriek with triumph and shock. I’ve never hit a target before. Dad’s always the one who wins up the shows.
I’m beaming as the bloke on the stall hands me the goldfish, which is swimming about in a little plastic bag with strings so I can carry him home.
‘Don’t look now, but guess who’s just turned up,’ Mandy mutters in my ear.
My heart does a giant somersault and I don’t dare to turn round. ‘Is it him?’ I gasp, feeling as though the ground has turned into one of the fairground rides. What if he sees me and thinks, that’s the girl I winked at the other day. I’ve been wondering who she is. She looks really fab in that dress.
‘It’s all of them,’ Mandy tells me. ‘They’ve gone to stand next to the waltzer, so do you want to get on?’
I dare to look round, and my heart does another giant leap as I spot him, going to lean against the rails of the waltzer, where all the cool boys stand to watch the girls on the ride. His hair’s long and really dark, and he’s got one hand stuffed in his jeans pocket, while he holds a cigarette in the other.
I glance down at my goldfish and wonder what to do with it. I can’t give it back because I want to show Dad and Gary that I won it, but I can’t take it on the waltzer either.
Realising my dilemma, Mandy takes the goldfish and hands it back to the bloke on the stall. ‘Can you look after it til we come back?’ she asks. ‘We won’t be long.’
He rolls his eyes, but takes it anyway, and we set off towards the waltzer. ‘Are you going to speak to them?’ I ask, feeling all fluttery and nervous as we reach the steps.
‘Depends,’ she replies. ‘Look, it’s slowing down. If we’re quick we can get straight on.’
I’m certain Kev’s watching me as I wait for a car to empty, and when I slide into one corner I cross my fingers, hoping he might get on with me. That’s what happens sometimes: if a boy fancies a girl, he gets into the car with her, but our car ends up full of girls, worse luck.
The first couple of swoops round I can see Kev standing with his mates, still smoking, and listening to Gary Puckett and the Union Gap singing ‘Young Girl’, but I can’t tell if he’s watching me or not. I feel the words of the song rushing through me as we start to gather speed, and I can imagine Kev thinking them about me. He’ll be thinking that his love is wrong, so I ought to go, because I’m too young for him, but really he wants me to stay. It makes me feel exhilarated and sexy and on top of the world.
He must be watching me. I know he is. My head’s back and I’m laughing and screaming along with the others. My legs are showing. I’m really glad I took my socks off before we got here. I’ve hidden them behind a stone to pick up on the way home.
It seems ages before the waltzer starts to slow. By then the music’s changed to the Equals singing ‘Baby Come Back’. I love this song, too. Doreen gave it to me for my birthday, so I know all the words. I can’t sing though, I’m too dizzy. I can hardly see.
I stagger into Mandy as we step off the platform and we shriek with laughter. I steal a quick look over my shoulder and my heart sinks right through the floor. Kev’s gone.
I look at Mandy in panic. ‘Where are they?’ I ask.
‘I don’t know. Probably by the dodgems, or somewhere?’
We hurry over to check, but they aren’t there. They’re not by the octopus either, or the chairoplanes, or the big wheel.
Eventually we spot them buying hot dogs from one of the vans, which is what everyone does when they’re about to walk home.
‘They’re leaving,’ I choke.
‘They might go and sit on the grass,’ Mandy says. ‘Pretend we haven’t seen them, OK? We’ll go and get a hot dog too, and follow them out.’
I don’t have any money left, but I’m not hungry anyway. My stomach’s too tied up in knots. ‘I have to get my goldfish,’ I remind her, and while she joins the queue at the hot dog stall I whizz back to the rifle range. Thankfully the bloke remembers me and within seconds I’m back at Mandy’s side.
‘Did you see where they went?’ I ask, looking around.
‘Between the caravans over there,’ she replies, ‘which means they’re probably going to sit on the grass.’
‘So shall we do the same?’
She nods. ‘But not too close or they’ll think we’re after them.’
After she’s bought herself a bag of chips we wander out of the throng of the fair into the quiet of the summer’s night where the common is turning pink in the sunset, and, in the distance below, street lights are starting to come on.
‘There they are,’ Mandy whispers.
I follow where she’s looking and spot them slouching on the grass about fifty yards away. At first I think some girls are with them, but then I realise the girls are part of another group a little way past. Something’s going on between the two groups though, because we can hear them all shouting and laughing. I’m terrified Kev might get off with one of them, and feel I should get over there as quickly as I can to stop it happening.
‘Let’s sit here,’ Mandy says, as we reach a clump of bushes where the grass starts to dip.
I wonder why we can’t just go and join them, as she knows them, but I can tell she doesn’t want to, so I sink down next to her with my goldfish and hold him up to watch him swimming round the bag.
‘I think I’ll call him Kev,’ I say.
She chokes on a chip as she laughs. ‘You’re really mad about him, aren’t you?’
I nod glumly and happily.
‘You know he’s eighteen, don’t you?’
I didn’t, but I remind her that we’re going to say I’m fourteen, which should make the age gap all right.
‘I’ll tell you what, when I’ve finished my chips, I’ll go over and ask if he wants to get off with you, shall I?’
My mouth turns dry. ‘What if he says no?’
‘Don’t worry about it. He won’t.’
I don’t know how she can be sure, but I don’t question her, because she should know.
We sit quietly for a while, staring down at the lights of New Cheltenham while she finishes her chips. I try to spot where our house is, and wonder what Dad would say if he could see me now. Relieved that he can’t, I put him out of my mind and try to stop myself looking over at Kev. Does he know I’m here? Is he wondering if we’re going to go over? Perhaps he’s thinking about coming over here.
He probably can’t remember who I am. I expect he winks at all the girls, and everyone falls for him on sight, so I’m nothing special. I’m just a stupid fat twelve-year-old with spots and ginger hair. No one’s ever going to like me, especially not someone like him.
Mandy screws up her chip bag and tosses it into a bush. Then, taking out a packet of No. 6, she lights one up. ‘Do you smoke?’ she asks, offering me one.
I look at it, but before I can answer she says, ‘If this is your first don’t have it now, because you don’t want to cough your guts up in front of them.’
Agreeing, I watch her put the packet away and get to her feet. ‘Wait here,’ she tells me. ‘I won’t be long.’
‘What are you going to say?’ I ask, looking up at her. I feel so sick with nerves now that I don’t want her to go.
‘Just leave it to me,’ and with a wink she starts off across the grass.
I stay where I am, stiff with fear. I look at my goldfish and hold it a little higher so they can see I’ve won it. I’m not sure if that’ll help, and suddenly afraid it might ma
ke me look stupid, I put it down again.
A long time seems to pass. I daren’t look over, I’m too embarrassed. I try to imagine what they’re saying, but I can’t think of a thing. He won’t be interested, anyway. He’s bound to have all the girls after him, so why would he want me? I wonder if I should have told Mandy to let him know I’ve started my periods. That would make me seem more grown up. It’s not fair that I’m still only twelve when I feel – and look – so much older. My bosoms are bigger than anyone else’s I know, and I’m growing hair under my arms now, and in other places. I reach a hand behind my head to show my armpit, in case he’s looking my way. There aren’t many hairs and they’re fair, but if he can see them at least it’ll prove I’m not a kid.
Eventually, when it’s almost dark, Mandy comes back. ‘Come on,’ she says. ‘Let’s go home.’
Misery engulfs me. I struggle to my feet, still holding on to the fish. ‘What did he say?’ I ask.
‘He wants you to come back when you’re older,’ she replies, and hooking an arm through mine she starts to walk us down over the common.
‘So he didn’t say an outright no?’
‘Not exactly. He’s never heard of you, he can’t even remember seeing you before, but he asked if you know how to snog. I said yes, you’ve done it loads of times.’
I swallow hard. ‘Are you going to see Rich?’ I ask.
‘He said I should be by the Anchor tomorrow, and we’ll probably come up the common together.’
‘You mean to the shows?’
She gives me a look that I don’t quite understand.
Chapter Twelve
Eddie
I’VE BEEN HAVING a dreadful struggle with my faith, though the talks I’ve had with Canon Radford lately have gone a way towards helping. Losing our Robert came as such a terrible blow to us all. I just couldn’t make any sense of it, and I’m still not sure I can now. Or that I ever will. I know our Doreen and Alf won’t be able to, and I can’t help wondering how I’d be if I was in their shoes and Gary was taken in his prime. It hardly bears thinking about, which is why I try to project my mind out to the wider world, and the problems that should make my own seem very minor by comparison.
