by Susan Lewis
‘Oh yes, I am,’ I inform him.
‘Get back up those stairs and put on some decent clothes now.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with these,’ I scream. ‘It’s the fashion, in case you hadn’t noticed.’
‘I don’t care what it is. It’s disgusting. You’re showing your legs right up to your backside, and I’m not having it. Where did you get that skirt?’
‘It’s none of your business.’
‘Don’t you dare take that attitude with me, young lady, or you’ll be back in your room and you won’t be coming out again tonight. Now, I want to know where it came from.’
I’m fuming mad. ‘Sadie let me borrow it, OK? Her parents aren’t square, like you. They understand about things like being mod, now let me go.’
‘I’ve already told you, you aren’t going anywhere in that. Now upstairs and change, and while you’re at it you can take that muck off your face.’
‘It’s not muck!’ I rage. ‘And I’m wearing this whether you like it or not, so get out of the way or I’m going to be late.’
‘Stop shouting you two, I can’t hear the telly.’
‘Bog off,’ I yell at Gary.
‘Drop dead,’ he yells back.
‘I’ve had enough of this,’ Dad growls. ‘Up to your bedroom now and don’t come out again until you’re dressed decently and you’re ready to apologise.’
‘I am going out now,’ I seethe.
He grabs hold of me and turns me to the stairs. ‘Do as you’re told this minute, or you’ll get what for,’ and he starts shoving me up the stairs, holding me so tight that I can’t break free, even when I try to throw myself down.
‘If you don’t let me go out, you’ll be sorry,’ I warn. I’m sobbing with outrage and fury by now. My make-up’s running and my tights are falling down. I’m supposed to be meeting Kev, so I have to go, but typical of my dad, he’s spoiling everything. ‘If you don’t let me go, I’ll burn the house down,’ I scream at him.
‘Get in there,’ he roars, and shoving me into my bedroom he slams the door so hard it nearly breaks.
When I try to open it he’s hanging on to the handle outside, so I start kicking and punching it and telling him how much I hate him. ‘I’m going to be late now,’ I sob, ‘everyone’ll go without me and it’ll be all your fault.’
He doesn’t answer.
I try the door again, but he’s still there.
‘Dad, please,’ I beg. ‘I’m sorry I shouted at you. I’ll come home by nine, I promise.’
‘You’re not going anywhere,’ he tells me.
I raise my fists and slam them into the door again. ‘I hate you,’ I scream. ‘You spoil everything, you even killed my goldfish and now you’re trying to kill me.’ He did, he killed my goldfish. OK, maybe not intentionally, but when I got home yesterday Kev wasn’t in his bowl any more, and Gary admitted they forgot to feed him. So he died and then they flushed him down the loo. So that’s what my dad thinks of me and the prizes I win!
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ he snaps. ‘Now get ready for bed, and once you’ve calmed down we’re going to have a talk.’
I’m about to start shouting again when I realise I’m never going to get out of here in time if I wait for him to open the door. The only other way out is the window, so dashing across the room I push it open and climb up on to the window sill. It’s nearly dark out by now, but I can see the grass below, and bloody fucking Gary is only out there picking up his toys. I thought he was watching telly!
‘Psst!’ I hiss down to him.
He looks round.
‘Up here, stupid.’
He looks up and his mouth drops open. ‘What are you doing?’ he asks.
‘What does it look like? I’m going to jump.’ I’m not sure yet if I’ve got the guts to, but it would serve them both right if I do, after what they did to my fish. Anyway, Kev’s waiting round by the Anchor, so I have to jump.
‘You can’t,’ he says.
‘Yes, I can, now stand there ready to catch me.’
‘Get lost! You’ll flatten me.’
‘Don’t be stupid. All you have to do is hold out your arms and I’ll jump straight into them.’
‘Dad!’ he yells.
‘Shut up!’ I seethe.
‘Dad!’ he yells again. ‘Our Susan’s jumping out the window.’
My bedroom door bangs open, and Dad comes in so furiously that I nearly go over the edge.
‘Oh dear God,’ he cries, seeming not to know what to do. ‘Get in here now!’
I inch carefully on to the outer sill. ‘No! If you don’t let me go out, I’m going to jump.’
He takes a step towards me, then backs off again. ‘All right, all right,’ he says. ‘You do as you want, just come down from there.’
I’m about to answer when I suddenly realise that I’m in a stronger position than I ever was downstairs. It doesn’t take me long to work out what to say next. ‘I’m not coming in until you promise to let me go out,’ I tell him.
‘I just said, you can do as you want.’
‘Wearing this skirt?’
‘If you have to.’
I look at him warily. He’s giving in too easily. Then I get it. The minute I come down he’ll tie me up, or lock me in a cupboard, or call the police or something equally drastic. ‘You have to go outside,’ I tell him. ‘You and Gary have to go into the shed and stay there until I’ve gone.’
‘Susan …’
‘I’m not coming in until you do as I say.’
‘You’re being very childish.’
‘All right then, I’ll jump.’
For one horrible minute I think he’s going to tell me to, but then he turns around and I hear him going downstairs.
I stay where I am, shivering in the cold and feeling cramp creeping up my legs, until finally he shouts out, ‘Gary and I are in the shed.’
Quickly I spring back into my bedroom, snatch up my handbag and charge down the stairs so fast that I’m at the gate long before he can get to the front door. Then I’m dashing up the street, along the lane at the top and out into Holly Hill. I’m praying I won’t bump into Kev and the others on their way to the Anchor, or they’ll wonder why I’m running like a loony with make-up streaking down my face and my tights bagging like socks round my ankles.
Eddie
I had to let her go. If I hadn’t she might have jumped and I just couldn’t risk it. It could have killed her from that height, or she’d have broken her neck and ended up crippled for life.
I haven’t got any idea where she is now, or when she’ll be back. I’d have tried to follow, but I probably wouldn’t have caught up with her, and besides, it’s too late to leave Gary on his own. There’ll be merry hell to pay when she does finally show her face, I hope she realises that.
What a trollop she looked in that skirt and make-up.
I don’t want to believe that was my girl.
What would her mother say?
Susan
I’m round the Anchor now, sitting on my own on the wall outside the car park. I’m not thinking about Dad and how angry he must be, or what he’s going to say when I get in. I mean, I don’t like upsetting him, because I love him really, but he shouldn’t upset me, saying I look like a tart and trying to stop me from going out. I don’t expect he loves me any more now. So what, he didn’t anyway.
Everyone else is up by the pub, drinking pints and joking with each other. A couple of chaps pulled up on scooters just now, and Stella Phelps got on the back of one. I used to go to junior school with her sister, Linda, but I don’t ever see Linda now. I’d love to have an older sister, especially one who went round on scooters.
It’s horrible being the only girl. No one understands me.
Mandy’s gone down Made for Ever club to see if Kev and his friends are there, while I wait here in case they turn up. They told her to be outside the Anchor at seven and she was, but it’s nearly half past now, so it doesn’t look as though they’re
coming. Unless they forgot and went down the club, in which case Mandy will probably come back with them.
I’m feeling really soft sitting here on my own. A couple of girls keep staring, and one of them gave me a filthy look just now, so I’m making sure I keep turned away. I don’t want them coming over to beat me up, because they do that sometimes. They just pick on someone out of the blue, and start scrapping with them. I saw them do it to a girl from Cadbury Heath during the summer. She was walking along with her mates, then suddenly one of the girls from the Anchor, I think it might have been Stella, or Kathleen, started shouting out at her. She shouted back and next thing she was being kicked around the ground while her mates ran away.
I wish Mandy would hurry up. It’s getting cold sitting here, and I’m right on the roundabout so everyone can see me as they go past in their cars. The headlights are flaring over me like torches as they go by. Someone slowed up just now, looked at me, then drove off again. I don’t know what he wanted, but in case he had any funny ideas I slammed my eyes and turned my head away.
I hope it wasn’t someone who knows Dad.
The number fourteen bus is across the road parked next to the stop. The driver and conductor are sitting on the wall having a chat and a fag. It makes me think of Uncle Bob, who used to drive the buses. I wonder if he’s in heaven. He was so kind it’s where he should be.
No it isn’t.
He should be at home with Auntie Flo, Julie and Karen.
I can see Mandy coming up Fisher Road now. She’s on her own and I feel so upset that I almost start to cry. Why isn’t Kev with her? He must be around somewhere, so we have to find him.
‘Where is he?’ I ask as Mandy reaches me.
‘Apparently, they’ve gone down Torquay for the week,’ she replies.
I can’t believe it. I want to scream at her that he can’t have, or that she’s a liar, but what I say is, ‘I thought they were supposed to be meeting us tonight.’
‘That’s what they said, but Tony Skitting reckons they went down Torquay yesterday, and won’t be back till Saturday.’
I really, really, really don’t want it to be true. ‘What are they doing down there?’ I snap.
‘They’re on holiday, I suppose.’
‘But it’s winter.’
‘Not yet, and sometimes people go on holiday after the summer. The caravans are cheaper and there aren’t so many people jamming into the pubs.’
I’m imagining him down Torquay with loads of girls after him, and it’s so horrible that I press my fists to my sides and clench my teeth to stop myself from crying. I took ages getting ready to come out, then I had that awful row with Dad, and now it’s all gone wrong.
‘Oi, Hughesie, what are you doing round here?’ someone shouts from up by the pub. ‘Why don’t you get lost?’
‘Come on,’ Mandy says, ‘let’s go,’ and linking arms we make ourselves scarce before anyone has a chance to come and smash our faces in.
We decide to walk up to the Horseshoe, where we bump into Julie who’s been with Greg Bowen, she tells us. I don’t know who he is, but apparently he’s in the pub now with his mates. Julie can’t go in because she’s not old enough, so she’s waiting outside for him to bring her a shandy and bag of crisps.
‘He probably can’t get to the bar,’ she says. ‘It’s really crowded in there.’
‘Let’s go in the offy and get some limeade,’ Mandy suggests. ‘Have you got any money?’
I shake my head.
‘Nor me. We’ll just have to beg as people go in and out.’
There’s no sign of anyone at the moment, so we sit with Julie on one of the benches, our hands stuffed in our pockets and our shoulders hunched against the cold. Mandy starts telling Julie about how we were supposed to meet Kev and Rich, but Julie doesn’t seem very interested, so they talk about people from their school who I’ve never even heard of, never mind met. In the end I decide to go home.
‘Don’t worry,’ Julie says as I get up. ‘He’ll be back next week.’
I don’t bother to reply.
‘You’re not sulking are you?’ she teases.
‘No, I’m just bored. And it’s all right for you, you’re here all the time. I have to go back to that stupid school next week, so how am I going to see him then?’
‘You should run away,’ Julie tells me. ‘I know I would.’
‘You wouldn’t catch me dead in a boarding school,’ Mandy chimes in. ‘It’s bad enough going to the one we do.’
‘When we bother to go,’ Julie says and they burst out laughing.
I start to walk off, then suddenly turn back. ‘Is it true Kev wanted to see me tonight?’ I say to Mandy. ‘Or were you making it up?’
‘Cross my heart and hope to die,’ she insists.
‘You ought to go out with other chaps to make him jealous,’ Julie advises. ‘It always works.’
I don’t want to go out with anyone else, but I can’t help wondering if she’s right. The trouble is, there isn’t anyone else.
‘If he thought you’d already had a shag I bet anything he’d be interested,’ she adds.
I look away, not sure what to say.
‘Will I see you tomorrow?’ Mandy asks.
‘I don’t know. My dad’s got a couple of days off work, so I might not be able to go out.’
She’s never asked why Dad won’t let me go round with her, she just seems to accept it, which makes me feel sorry for her in a way, because apart from Julie, no one’s ever very nice to her, and it’s not her fault that her front garden’s always a tip and her family keeps getting into trouble with the law. Not that Dad’s ever come right out and said that I mustn’t have anything to do with her, it’s Mum who used to say that, but I know Dad’ll think the same, which is why I’ve never told him.
He’s waiting when I get home, looking all angry and upset. I feel really guilty now, but before I can say sorry he starts on me.
‘I’m disgusted with the way you behaved earlier,’ he shouts, ‘you’re a disgrace to yourself and a very bad example to your brother. Now where have you been?’
‘Out!’
‘I know that. Who were you with?’
‘A friend.’
‘Which friend?’
‘No one you know.’
His eyes go all boggled. ‘How can you be out with someone I don’t know?’
‘Because you don’t know everyone.’
‘I’ll have less of that lip, thank you very much. Now I want to know who you were with and where you were.’
I drop my weight on to one leg and heave a sigh. ‘I went for a walk with Diane Grant, OK? If you don’t believe me, go and ask her.’
He doesn’t believe me, I can tell, but all he says is, ‘Then why did you say it was someone I don’t know?’
I give a shrug.
‘I want an answer.’
‘Because I don’t have to tell you everything all the time,’ I shout.
He shakes his head. ‘I don’t know what to do with you,’ he says. ‘Look at the time. It’s gone nine o’clock …’
‘That’s early! And I’m not at school, so why can’t I stay out late?’
‘Because you’re twelve years old, it’s dark out and you’re dressed like a common tart. Now get off to bed this minute, and I don’t want another peep out of you till morning. And don’t forget to brush your teeth.’
‘I’m not a child!’ I seethe as I push past him. ‘And I’m not going to bed yet. The Champions is on tonight and you said I could watch it.’
‘That was before you ran out of here like a wild animal. You’ll do as you’re told now, and that’s an end to it.’
I stomp up the stairs, not caring if I wake up Gary, but he’s not asleep because I catch him peeping over the banister. He doesn’t say anything as I slam into my room, but after a while I can hear him talking to Dad, so I put ‘Silence is Golden’ on my record player, to give them a hint to shut up.
After the record’s finished D
ad knocks on the door and asks if he can come in.
‘No!’ I shout.
He waits, then knocks again and cracks open the door.
I don’t say anything, so he comes in and when he sees I’m in bed he comes to sit on the padded stool that matches my dressing table. ‘I don’t want us to fall out,’ he says, ‘but you know what you did tonight was wrong, don’t you?’
I turn my head away.
‘I was worried sick about where you were. If anything happened to you …’
‘It won’t! I’m old enough to take care of myself.’
He starts to smooth my hair, and I want to push his hand away, but I don’t.
‘Mrs Jewell is coming to get your breakfast in the morning,’ he tells me.
I feel my mouth go tight. ‘Why? I thought you were on holiday.’
‘I am, but I’ve got to be up the doctor’s by half past eight and I thought you’d rather have a lie-in than come with me.’
I’m feeling all stiff and angry now. ‘What are you going up the doctor’s for?’ I demand. See, he’s going to die, just like everyone else. I knew it. I want to die too. Please let me die.
‘I’ve got a verruca on my big toe.’
That doesn’t sound very serious, so I stop feeling stiff.
‘Gary wants to go up Blaize Castle tomorrow afternoon. Do you want to come with us, or shall I drop you at your gran’s?’
I think about meeting Mandy, but she’s always got Julie, so I say, ‘I’ll come with you, but only if you let me wear my turquoise dress, and can we go downtown after so I can buy some boots?’
‘I’ll think about it, provided you promise not to run out of here again.’
‘I promise,’ I say, even though I’m not very sure I can keep to it, because if he won’t let me see Kev I don’t know what I might do.
Eddie
I don’t know if I really managed to get through to her, but at least we didn’t end up shouting and bawling at each other. That never does either of us any good, and going over how badly she behaved earlier will have to wait, because I don’t want a situation developing where we become like enemies. We’ll never be able to talk about anything then.
