by Susan Lewis
She laughs. ‘Good luck with it, and if you do see the film, don’t forget to let me know what you think of it.’
It’s not until I’m as far along as Page Park and about to cross over the road that it occurs to me she might have been dropping a hint about the film, hoping I’d offer to take her. The thought of it leaves me feeling a bit flustered, so instead of carrying on over to Florrie’s, I go into the park and have a sit-down on a bench.
I’m trying to decide whether I’m getting above myself thinking she’d want to go to the pictures with me, because she can’t be short of someone to go with, or whether I should return to the shop and ask her. I have to admit, the thought of starting to court someone is causing me a lot of consternation. It’s not something I feel inclined to do, but on the other hand she’s a very nice woman and I’m sure it would be most enjoyable to have her as a friend. I don’t expect she wants any more than that either, especially not with someone like me. The misshapen dwarf gazed upon by the beautiful princess. I wrote that once. I wonder if that’s how she sees me. She’d be far too polite to say so if she did.
I don’t think I’ll go back, because if I’ve misunderstood it’ll embarrass the heck out of us both. I probably won’t even be able to face going in there again, and that would be a shame. Besides, what would I do if she says yes? I don’t know which picture houses are showing the film, or what nights it’s on. Of course, I could always get a paper to find out. I won’t be able to pick her up though, because I don’t have a car these days, so I’d have to meet her outside, and I’m sure that won’t be good enough for someone like her. She’ll be used to being treated like a lady, and though I’d do my best, I’m sure I’ll be woefully lacking compared to the kind of gentrified people she probably knows. And then there’s the children. Where would I tell them I was going? I wouldn’t want to lie, though with Gary it would probably go in one ear and out the other. I don’t really want to think about how it might go down with our Susan, though.
When all’s said and done, I’m sure I’m giving myself airs and graces, so picking up my books I leave the park and carry on over to Florrie’s. It’s best to keep myself to myself, no misunderstandings or embarrassment that way, and no explanations needed either – or sadness to cope with, when I get home after spending time with a woman who isn’t Eddress.
Susan
Kev’s only finished with Debbie Cooper and wants to see me!
I’m rushing to get ready now, putting on loads of Hide ’n Heal to cover my spots, and drenching my neck in gallons of Aqua Manda, which is so lush I want to pour it all over me.
In her note Mandy said I have to be outside the Horseshoe by seven o’clock, or they’ll go without me. I won’t be late though, because it’s still only twenty to, and it should only take ten minutes to run over there. I’m wearing my navy blue mini kilt, which I think makes me look dead sexy, a white V-neck cardigan with navy buttons, and my black PVC boots. I’m also wearing a new purple and white check bra that I bought up Mitzi’s with some of my birthday money. It’s really fab.
I’m just about to dash downstairs to grab my coat when Dad storms out of his bedroom and seizes hold of me on the landing.
‘What are you doing?’ I shout, trying to shrug him off.
‘Not so fast, young lady,’ he growls. He’s obviously in a rage, but about what I don’t know, because I haven’t even seen him since we had tea, and he was all right then. ‘You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s happened to your mother’s engagement ring,’ he barks.
My heart gives a horrible lurch, because I’ve lost it, but I can’t tell him that, so I say, ‘How would I know? I haven’t even seen it.’
‘Don’t lie,’ he seethes. ‘It was in a box in her dressing-table drawer, and now it’s gone. So where is it?’
‘Why are you blaming me?’ I yell at him. ‘You don’t have any proof that I stole it …’
‘It can’t walk on its own, and who else would take it?’
‘I don’t know. Now let me go, or I’ll be late.’
‘Get back in that room,’ he shouts.
‘No!’
‘Do as you’re told.’
‘You can’t make me,’ and with all my might I give him a shove and bolt down the stairs.
He’s after me like lightning, and pushing me into the front room. ‘I’ve just told you, you’re not going anywhere ...’
‘Oh yes I am.’
‘I want to know what’s happened to that ring.’
‘I told you, I don’t know!’
‘You’re lying.’
‘Don’t you dare say that to me. I hate you, now get out of the way.’
He blocks the door and spreads out his arms. ‘You’re not taking a step further until you tell me where you’re going.’
‘Out!’ I yell.
His face is all red and trembly with fury. ‘I’ve had all I can take of you,’ he shouts. ‘I never know where you’re going or what you’re up to. I want to know if you’re still a virgin.’
I shrink back, blocking my ears. ‘Don’t say things like that,’ I scream. ‘I hate you …’
‘I want to know …’
‘Shut up!’
‘I want the truth out of you.’
I stick out my face, saying, ‘You can’t make me tell you anything …’
‘Where’s your mother’s ring?’ he roars.
‘I don’t know.’
His fist comes up and suddenly he’s punching himself in the face.
I can’t believe what I’m seeing. He’s ramming his fists into his own face. ‘Dad! Stop!’ I cry. ‘What are you doing?’
He punches himself again, and again. Punch, punch, punch. He won’t stop. His nose and lips are bleeding. Tears are streaming down his cheeks. He’s gone mental.
‘Dad! Stop!’ I scream again.
‘I have to hit myself, or I’ll hit you,’ he shouts, and he goes on punching.
I can’t stand any more. I don’t know what to do. He’s really scaring me, so I duck past him, tear open the door and the next moment I’m out in the street, running for my life.
Eddie
I’m at the kitchen sink dabbing my face with cold water, and still trembling, when Gary comes in the back door.
‘All right Dad?’ he says chirpily.
‘Yes thanks, my love,’ I croak.
‘Can I have something to eat? I’m starving.’
‘There are some cheese and onion crisps in the pantry.’
He swings open the pantry door, takes a packet from the bread bin and is about to stuff a handful of crisps in his mouth when he stops. ‘What are you doing?’ he asks.
‘Just having a wash.’
‘But what’s all that blood?’
I look at the towel I should have hidden as soon as he came in. ‘I cut myself shaving,’ I tell him.
He looks a bit suspicious for a moment, then apparently deciding it’s all right he goes on into the dining room to turn on the telly.
I give a sigh of relief and pick up a clean towel to start drying my face. I don’t know what came over me. I only know that I wanted to hit her so much that I was afraid if I did I might kill her. Better to hit myself, punch my face and the walls, break my knuckles and split my mouth, than to subject her to all the pent-up rage inside me. If I had they’d have ended up taking her away for certain, and now I’m thinking that maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. She’s running wild. She has no respect for herself or anyone else, and I’ve lost all hope of being able to reach her. She’s a stranger to me, not my daughter at all. I know it was her who took the ring, because no one else goes in that drawer, except me. I don’t know what she’s done with it, but I don’t suppose I’m going to see it again, and it’s breaking my heart.
I wonder who you’re supposed to call when you can’t cope any more. The council? No, I suppose it would be the education authority. I hate even thinking it, but maybe it’ll be for the best if they put her in a home for juven
ile delinquents. They might be able to stop her stealing, playing truant, and going with boys.
It would be for the best.
Eddress must be turning in her grave.
I put my head in my hands and start to sob, but I have to stop in case Gary hears me. Poor chap, I know all the rowing and swearing is getting him down because he’s been coming to get in with me at night, needing a cuddle and to know that I’m all right. He’s usually been to check on our Susan first. All this chaos and anger, it’s too much for a boy his age. I know he loves her, and he’ll miss her when they come to get her, but we can’t go on like this.
I wonder where she is now, what she’s doing. I know I frightened her and I’m sorry about it, but it was better that than laying into her the way I wanted to. Shall I go and look for her? She’ll be off somewhere with her friends, and will probably have forgotten all about what I did by now, because she’s selfish, dishonest and determined to have her own way over everything. She doesn’t spare a thought for anyone else and the effect she might be having on them. How do you love a child like that? I don’t know, you just do. Because she’s mine, I suppose, and I want to believe, I have to believe that there’s still some goodness in her somewhere.
I go upstairs to check myself in the bathroom mirror. My top lip is cut and there’s still some blood on my nose. My left eye is starting to swell, it’ll probably be black by morning. I can imagine what the blokes down work will say.
‘Whose wife have you been trying to get off with then, Eddie?’
Or, ‘Turned you down, did she?’
I don’t care what they say. All that matters is trying to sort out what’s to be done with our Susan. It’s tearing me apart to think of giving up on her, but what else can I do? Any day now she’s going to come home and tell me she’s pregnant, or the police will be at the door to arrest her, or to tell me she’s been raped, or even murdered. Dear God in heaven, please guide me. I can’t bear to think of anyone hurting her, but if she goes on the way she is, it can only be a matter of time.
Susan
After I left the house I ran and ran and didn’t stop until I reached the Horseshoe, even though Lucky was nearly tripping me up as she bounded along with me. When Kev and the others saw her they started shouting at me to get her away, but I pretended not to hear and kept on going. Lucky was excited to see Mandy, but as she jumped up someone kicked her and she flew out into the road, yelping in pain.
‘Get that fucking animal away from me,’ Kev shouted.
‘Take her home,’ Mandy snapped. ‘What did you bring her for?’
I held Lucky tight, with my face buried in her fur.
‘Why does she always have to bring the bloody dog?’ Rich grumbled.
‘It’s savage,’ Kev snarled.
‘She hasn’t even got it on a lead,’ Mandy added. ‘You know she doesn’t behave,’ she shouted at me.
I thought Mandy was supposed to be my friend, but she was ganging up against me too, so without saying anything to any of them, I kept hold of Lucky’s collar and took her away.
We’re down by the brook now, under the bridge where no one can see us. I’m trying hard not to remember what Dad did, but I can’t get it out of my mind. It was like he’d gone mad, punching and crying and making himself bleed. I’ve never known anyone do anything like that before, and now I’m scared to go back. I wish he’d come to find me, but what if he starts hitting himself again? I didn’t mean to make him do that. I wish it hadn’t happened. I’m going to stop thinking about it and pretend that it didn’t.
I don’t know where Kev and the others are, but I don’t care. He kicked my dog, at least I think it was him, and that’s a horrible thing to do. I know she can be boisterous and a bit frightening at times, but she’d never really hurt someone the way he tried to hurt her. If a car had been coming she could have been killed.
She’s just had a long drink from the brook and now she’s sitting next to me, panting and giving my face a lick every now and again, as though to remind me she’s there.
I consider going up Gran’s, but if I do she’ll only ask why I’m out so late and send me home. I won’t be able to tell her about Dad, because I don’t want anyone to know what he did. They’ll only blame me, and I know it’s my fault, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
I wonder what he’s doing now. What if he’s killed himself? Suddenly I feel sick and the next thing I know I’m retching. Nothing comes up, but I can’t seem to stop. I want my dad. I don’t want him to be dead. I really, really, really, really love him, but I’m scared of him now.
He shouldn’t have hit himself like that. It was a daft thing to do. No one else hits themselves.
If he is dead then I want to die too, but then Gary would be all on his own.
I don’t know what to do.
I have to stop crying, or I won’t be able to leave here.
I hope Kev and the others don’t come looking for me, because I never, ever want to see them again. He shouldn’t have kicked my dog.
I want to kick him.
Suddenly I grab Lucky’s collar and start dragging her up to the road.
When we get home Dad’s in the dining room and the telly’s on, so I try to sneak past, but he hears me.
‘I’m going to bed,’ I tell him when he opens the door.
‘Are you all right?’ he asks. His face is all swollen and there’s a cut on his mouth. It really happened. He really did beat himself up.
I nod and wonder if I should ask how he is, but I’m afraid of what he might say.
‘Do you want something to eat?’
I shake my head.
I walk on along the passage to the bottom of the stairs. Lucky’s behind me, and I’m waiting for him to tell her to come back. Instead he says, ‘Do you know what happened to your mother’s ring?’
I hang my head.
‘When did you last see it?’
‘I can’t remember,’ I mumble.
‘Did you take it out of the house?’
It takes me quite a long time to pluck up the courage to nod. ‘I didn’t mean to lose it,’ I cry.
‘You shouldn’t have taken it.’
‘I know, but I don’t know what you’re making all the fuss about because she’s never going to wear it again, is she?’ and before he can answer I dash up the stairs to shut myself up in my bedroom.
Eddie
‘And how long’s it been since this happened?’ Florrie asks.
‘A few days,’ I reply. ‘I’ve been trying to make up my mind what to do …’
‘How’s she been since?’
‘Quiet, especially for her. She seems afraid to come near me now.’
‘Oh, dear Ed,’ she sighs. ‘You’re such a good man, and she’s such a lucky girl to have you as her dad.’
‘I don’t know about that. I’m not doing a very good job, am I?’
‘You’re doing the best you can, and that’s what counts.’
‘But it’s not good enough. All the truancy and bad reports from school … I’ve had a letter from the headmistress telling me that some of the teachers want her expelled.’
‘Oh no, not again,’ Florrie murmurs.
‘Apparently Miss Fisher’s not ready to give up on her yet, and she’s got the backing of a couple of other teachers, but if Susan doesn’t start changing her ways … I never thought I’d say this about my own daughter, but she’s not turning into a very nice person, Flor.’
‘But she’s not a person, Ed, she’s a child, and the sooner she remembers that the better.’
‘I don’t know,’ I sigh, shaking my head. ‘I’m at the end of my tether with her. I only want what’s best for her, I always have, but now I’m thinking that being with me isn’t doing her any good.’
Florrie’s starting to look bemused and upset. It’s not that she hasn’t had to deal with an unruly grandchild before, heaven knows she has enough of them, but I think with Eddress no longer being around she feels more of a responsibili
ty towards my two. I feel bad about burdening her with this, but she’s the only one I can talk to who loves our Susan as much as I do, and who I can trust to want the best for her.
‘Do you think I should have her put away somewhere?’ I ask. ‘It’s not what I want, but the way she keeps getting into trouble … She’s going to end up on drugs, or with her throat cut.’
‘Do you want me to have a talk with her? I don’t know if I can do any good, but having her put away, Ed … Well, I don’t know what our Eddress would say about that, but I don’t think it’s what she would want.’
‘I know, but she could always handle her much better than I can.’
Florrie gives a faraway sort of sigh. ‘Yeah, she could handle just about anyone, could our Eddress,’ she murmurs, and her eyes well up with tears.
‘There you are,’ I say, picking up a hanky from the arm of her chair and handing it to her. It’s funny how after all these years – five next May – we can all still have a good cry about her. You’d think we’d be over it by now and sometimes I think I am, but then suddenly there I am again, right back as if the last time I saw her was yesterday.
‘Let me have a chat with her,’ Florrie says. ‘I don’t know how much good I can do. I feel so helpless with these legs ... If it weren’t for them, you know I’d do more ...’
‘Now, now, I don’t want you blaming yourself. You’ve got enough grandchildren on your plate as it is, and like it or not, you’re not getting any younger.’
She gives a chuckle. ‘Eighty-five next birthday. I must be wicked to have lasted this long, if only the good die young.’
I smile and squeeze her hand. ‘You’re one of the best, Florrie. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.’
Her rheumy old eyes twinkle, but then she seems sad again. ‘We’ll get this sorted out between us,’ she promises, ‘we have to or we’ll end up losing her, and one thing’s for certain, our Eddress would never forgive us if we did that.’
