“Stay with us Lex, I can’t lose you,” Ash says, her voice a faint whisper. I need to stay awake, I can’t ever leave her.
“Don’t worry Ash, I’m here, I'll never leave you alone,” my lips are moving but no sound escapes them. Ash’s head is buried in my stomach, My eyes wandered from side to side gauging my surroundings, I’m in a hospital bed. Ash isn’t a little girl, she’s all grown up.
“Lex, please tell me you’re okay,” she breathed into my chest her head pressing into me. The pressure hurts, but I can’t respond. I’m not sure what’s going on, or where I am. There’s a nurse in the room. I turn my head to the side, large machines are lit up making beeping sounds. They're monitoring my heart rate, my breathing… several tubes are hooked up to my arm. I’m confused, scared and lost.
The nurse leans over me with a faint smile, “Miss White, you’re at Toronto General Hospital, you’ve been unconscious for five days,” she smiled kindly and explained slowly, but everything is foggy. What?
“What am I doing here? Is my baby okay?” I mutter while panic settles in the back of my throat like a bowling ball and sweat spurts out on my forehead.
“Just one second dear, I’ll call the doctor and let him know you’re awake.” She left the room, her kind voice wasn’t reassuring. I can’t understand what’s happening, my eyes cautiously roam the room for answers. I spot Anna sitting on a chair in the corner with her knees held up to her chest rocking slowly. She looks disheveled and sad with large black bags circling her dark emerald eyes. She rose from the chair cautiously making her way over to me. “I’m so happy you’re awake,” she sighed. “When I found you and you were…” she gasped a large intake of air then paused holding her hand to her mouth and exhaled. “Covered in blood, I didn’t know what to think, I thought you were dead. I was so scared I lost you,” she said choking on a sob. She wiped persistently at the tears with her off-white sweater. Ash still had her head buried in my stomach holding me, not letting go. I wanted to reassure her and tell her that she’s making it hard to breathe, but the heavy feeling returned.
My body relaxed as relief washed over me, pulling away the worry and confusion. It’s snowing. I’m on the mountain with Dylan. Geez! If I looked into his beautiful eyes for an eternity it wouldn’t be long enough. He’s looking directly at me assessing my mood. I try to focus on how I will get down this mountain. I can’t believe I went up the ski lift with him, what was I thinking? I realize that I would follow him anywhere completely blind. Then he says, "Lexi, I love you.” Those three words sear into my heart. A teenager in love, I can’t deny him even though I know I should. “I love you too, Dylan. I love you too.”
The room is bright. My eyes sting from brightness. “Stay with me Lex, please don’t leave me,” Ash begged. Through the grogginess, I wanted to console her, but the darkness was more appealing. I sloshed my tongue around my mouth and it felt like sandpaper. “I’m here Ash, it’s okay, I’m just finding it hard to stay awake for some reason,” I said the words, but this time I could her my own gruff voice.
Ash hovered over me with swollen eyes, her chest heaving up and down, between her labored breathes she managed to say, “The doctor said it’s normal because of your injuries, but please stay with me now, please, I’m begging you, you’re the only family I have,” she pouted with pain in her dark blue eyes. It reminded me of the past, her innocent dark blue eyes looking to me for guidance.
“You don’t have to be so rude Ashley, I’m standing right here,” Mom snapped at her. I didn’t notice her standing at the corner of the room, but I can see her now. Her hair perfectly pinned up, her fitted paisley print dress hugging her slender body and lots of make-up hiding any imperfections. My body cringed and I grew tired again, the peaceful darkness lulling me to a better place.
“Sorry Mom that’s not what I meant,” Ashley bowed her head then turned her eyes up to look at her. Mom huffed loudly in response.
“What’s going on?” I asked, my eye sight blurred. My whole family was here, with the exception of my father. This was not a group I was used to seeing together. Confusion overwhelmed me. Something bad must have happened if they were all here together.
Anna slowly got up from the chair in the corner and walked over to my bed with her arms wrapped tightly around her waist. “You were late getting back to the apartment, I got your text about stopping by Luc’s condo. I told Ash to wait at the apartment in case you showed up, I went to Luc’s condo looking for you. When I arrived, the front door was open…. you… you.. were… uh.. uh,” she couldn’t finish her sentence, she was crying too hard. She took a deep breath to calm herself and said, “Unconscious, covered in blood,” she trembled biting at her nails, I’ve never seen her bite her nails. “You were so close to uh…” she stammered. “Lex, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you,” she sighed. Listening to her describing what happened makes me numb and woozy. Trying to shift a little in this little hospital bed causes a knife cutting pain to slice through my abdomen.
“Sorry to interrupt ladies,” the doctor said pulling my attention from Anna to the door. I knew he was the doctor because he was wearing a white robe and had a stethoscope around his neck. My eyes betrayed me, I couldn’t focus enough as the light still burned my eyes. When warm familiar, ocean blue eyes glared back at me, I startled.
“What are you doing here?” I asked unsure if he was really here or if I was enveloped in another tense dream. As Ash slowly pulled away from my bedside and Anna returned to sit on the chair in the corner of the room, I knew I was awake. My heart rate shot up and I was overcome by queasiness. “I think I’m going to be sick,” I warned slightly lifting my head to alleviate the vile pressure at the back of my throat. Unable to hold back as burning liquid made its way up and out, I vomited all over the doctor’s clean white coat. “Oh my! I’m sorry,” I muttered overcome with embarrassment, my voice sounded like a frog was stuck in my throat. As my reality comes together in my mind, I remember that I saw him, he was upset. He was holding his head, like he was falling apart.
He replies, “It’s okay, it’s probably from your fall, you have a concussion,” he explains looking down to his white coat covered in my vomit and then stares into my eyes with those crystal clear blue eyes. His eyes are so clear that they were almost iridescent.
I began to mutter, “I dreamt I saw you… you were upset,” I ramble. “How did I see you? Were you really there?” Through my questions I blush knowing I am not making any sense.
My mind drifts back in time, but my eyes remain open, we had gone to prom together everything was perfect. I wore a beautiful tan colored dress that accentuated all my curves and brought out the golden color of my hair. He came to my door to pick me up with a limo. Mom opened the door, and my breath had been stolen, he was the best looking guy I had ever laid eyes on. No acne, just clear tanned skin, dark brown hair that was a little muffled and his deep beautiful ocean blue eyes. Every time I look into them, I would lose myself, they calmed me, they felt like home. I was painstakingly ripped away from my daydream by a light flashing in my eyes. I winced. The memory of Dylan remaining a memory. He affected me that much.
We grew up together, fell in love with each other and broke each other’s hearts. Prom was the most important night of our relationship. He planned to take me to the Royal York hotel and make mad passionate love to me, but instead Elena Peters found him while he was passed out and drunk in bed. That’s when I walked in, I was admittedly very drunk and although I knew deep down he didn’t cheat, it didn’t matter. The pleading look in his eyes gave away his innocence, as every ounce of self-doubt I ever felt bombarded my emotions with a vengeance. I crumpled, I couldn’t handle an ‘us,’ and I did what I do best. I pushed him away and I’ve been running from my feelings ever since.
“Lexi, stay with us honey, don’t fall back asleep,” Ash pleaded beside me again. My mind had switched on to auto control with thoughts running through too quickly.
“How long have I been in
the hospital?” I asked feeling like my body had been hit with a ton of bricks. Dylan’s lips turned down, his eyes were dark and tired and the scuff on his face looked like he hadn’t had a good shave in a while.
“You’ve been here for five days,” he said with a low deep tone.
“I’ve been asleep for five days? How’s that even possible?” My voice felt scratchy and panic began to overwhelm me making my chest inflate and my breathing ragged. My heart beat wildly, I could hear its thump like a beat of a drum in my ears. Something bad must have happened. I don’t understand what’s going on. The room begins to shrink with everyone hovering around me.
“You’ve been in and out of consciousness for five days, you opened your eyes a few times then fell back asleep. It’s normal after sustaining such a serious head trauma,” Dylan explained as he bowed his head. Then he swallowed hard. “What do you remember from the night of your attack?” he asked causing my eyes to go wide. Attack? What Attack? My birthday...I went back to Luc’s apartment to get clothes. My body and mind are flooded with the horrible memory. The attack, Luc attacked me. The nightmare is relived and my body began to shake. I hate that Dylan is here. I waited seven long years, I had created a million different scenarios as to why he stayed away so long. My mind dreamed of different ways he would return to me pledging his love. I would open the door to my apartment one day and he would be there with a bouquet of white roses. He would find me at school and tell me that he went to Africa and was held hostage by terrorists. I did not plan for him to be here to see me like this. At the moment in my life when shame and self-doubt conquered me. I chose not to speak, there were no words to say, it had been too long. Tremors slowly run through my body betraying my need to ignore his presence. I may have been weak at resisting him in the past. The day we met in Starbucks and made wild passionate love in the front seat of his car. The day we conceived a child out of a love that would never be. I unconsciously lower my hands to my stomach in a protective stance to hold onto the fetus growing inside me.
Dylan moved in closer placing his hand over mine. His touch calming my nerves as my own body betrayed my inner wishes. “You were brought in by EMS unconscious, suffering from internal bleeding, a concussion and a gash to your eye. When I saw you, my heart almost stopped, it tore me up seeing you like that, so beaten up on the stretcher. I was on my way out of the hospital headed to your apartment for your birthday,” he paused his eyes slowly turning red as he fought back tears. Lifting my hand he brought it to his mouth as his lips brushed my skin. Tiny morsels of love sifting their way through my body by such little contact. It couldn’t be love, it couldn’t, because he didn’t love me. You don’t turn your back on someone you love.
“I thought I saw you, I was dying, you were next to me, upset holding your head,” I mutter, not sure if it really happened or if I’m not making any sense again.
“I was there Lex, when they took you off the ambulance… it took me a second to recognize you. When I did, I almost fainted… my heart stopped…” He shakes his head trying to hold himself together. “I was trying to keep myself together,” he finally says, his eyes red and wet. Out of the corner of my eye I watched as Anna nodded to Ash motioning for her to leave the room. They both left and Mom followed.
Alone with Dylan my focus returns to him. “The hospital wouldn’t let me near you, they clearly saw the attachment,” he said, his cheeks reddening a bit. He paused looking into my eyes, like he was gaging my mood. His wariness scared me. What might his next words be? As he rubbed his temple numerous times, sweat begin to trickle down the side of my face, or maybe it was tears.
“We couldn’t save the baby,” he said quietly through his own clear torment. “The baby didn’t have a heartbeat when you arrived to the hospital. Dr. Chow, the surgeon that operated on you, stopped your internal bleeding, but the placenta was punctured. I’m so, so, sorry,” he shook his head back and forth unable to stop the torrent of tears. His attempts at composure failing as his entire body convulsed in sobs. Then he looked over to me worriedly, I think because of my lack of reaction… his hand covered his mouth and he sucked in a deep breath. “Dr. Chow said it looked like you received numerous kicks or hits to the stomach with incredibly strong force given your level of bleeding. It was enough force to puncture the placenta and put the pregnancy at risk,” he explained painfully and I quietly listened to his muffled words as he held my hand rubbing his thumb back and forth along my skin.
He lowered his head onto my chest hugging me, needing contact. Only I couldn’t respond. His words were too painful and couldn’t be true. None of it could be true. My body temperature dropped and my face began to prickle as the weight of his words penetrated my brain.
Memories flooded my mind, and I worked to put the pieces together, the fight with Luc. How I tried to get out of the apartment and he wouldn’t let me. How I fought back. How stupid could I have been? Maybe if I didn’t fight back my baby would still be here. This. Is. My. Fault.
“Where’s Luc? Have the police arrested him?” I asked. Dylan shrugged. A wave of reality hits me, I tried to get out… Luc went crazy. He was on drugs, he smelt like he showered in a bottle of whiskey. He pulled me back by my hair, I hit the floor hard, and those kicks. Oh those kicks, so strong and relentless. A part of me has known all along that the baby wasn’t with me, maybe that’s why I chose to sleep. The hand holding my stomach falls limp to my side. I wish I could fall back into darkness, only it won’t overtake me and I’m filled with overwhelming loss that shreds my heart to mere fragments. Tears of anger and frustration erupt uncontrollably rolling down my face. I want to jump out of my own skin, I’m angry at Luc, angry at myself, and angry at life.
My body crumbles into a ball. I hold my legs to my chest, the sharp pains in my stomach are welcome, pain is good, I want to feel pain, I need to hold on because what Dylan’s saying is too painful to fathom. I loved my baby, my peanut, it can’t be gone. I’m so angry with Luc for putting me through so much pain. The baby’s been ripped away, only my mind doesn’t want to think about it. The thought of my dead baby plagues me in an incomprehensible manner. I hear loud sobs only it doesn’t sound like they’re coming from me, it sounds like the sobs of a crazed woman. I’ve become crazed, I wasn’t expecting the pregnancy, but I felt connected to the baby almost immediately. I was always worried about the baby and now it’s gone, I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate Luc, I want him to pay for how he’s screwed with my life.
Dylan’s by my side. “Lex, we’re going to give you a little something to calm you down, you have to try to relax a little, take deep breaths,” he urges and a nurse walks into the room and injects a needle through my intravenous. The fogginess takes over but I fight the urge to sleep. My mind drifts to a state of numbness, emptiness. Dylan stays by my side. I want him to leave.
“We have a clinic in the hospital for battered women, I’d like to refer you, they have good doctors that can help you sort things out. I don’t want you blaming yourself for anything, this wasn’t your fault, none of it was,” he sounded reassuring. I don’t believe him though. It feels like I entered a bubble and for now it’s where I want to be.
“I don’t think that will be necessary,” Mother stepped back into the room. “She’ll be fine, I will take her home with me. She can deal with this at home,” she repeated. Home? What home? I will never go back there.
“Rose,” Dylan raised off the bed and turned to face my mom. “I really don’t think that’s a good idea, she needs professional help. There are good doctors and staff that can help her get through this,” he urged, giving what sounded like a professional opinion calmly, considering that he loathed my mother.
“You want to put her in a psych ward Dylan, no child of mine is going to a psych ward. She’s a strong girl, she’ll suck it up and get past this,” Mom insisted, talking as if she was above everyone in the room.
I can’t speak, I don’t want to go home with her, please tell me that they won’t send me h
ome with her.
“Look Rose, you need to sign her in. You’re her next of kin, it’s the best thing for her right now, I don’t think she wants to go home,” Dylan tried persuading Mom.
“Please listen to Dylan,” Ashley cut in pleading quietly and I could tell that she was still scared to stand up to her. Fear of her had been instilled from a young age, even as adults it was not a mindset that could be changed quickly. Mom rolled her eyes at everyone in the room then grabbed her Louis Vuitton purse and huffed out of the room with her chin tilted upward. Dylan followed her outside. I hoped he could reason with her, I just came back from hell, I can’t make another visit there now.
Chapter 3
Never Lose Hope
Dylan
“Rose, she’s been through a lot, the guy almost killed her, I’m under the impression from her friend that he was abusing her before things got so bad. She needs help, please sign her in to the hospital and let her get help,” I pleaded with her knowing that she was a self-righteous bitch. Always worried about what people would think.
She glared at her long red fingernails looking self-absorbed. “Fine Dylan, I will give her a week, but then she comes home,” she said through pursed lips. She was so damned fake. She lifted her chin and walked off in her high heel shoes that made a loud clapping sound along the floor until she reached the elevator.
I agreed with her. Hoping that she’ll come to her senses and realizing that it will take a lot longer. This had been the most difficult week of my life. Even worse than when Lexi pushed me out of her life seven years ago. I remembered that day like it was yesterday. She wasn’t willing to listen to a word I had to say. Then she got into a car and she was out of my life. When I got to university I didn’t know what to do. Every time something funny happened or I had a story to tell I wanted to pick up the phone and call her. I knew I couldn’t… she made it clear she didn’t want me.
Twisted Love Page 2
