“She’s not speaking Doctor,” Mom explained with a giggle as if it’s completely normal.
“I’m aware Ms. White, I came to introduce myself. I have you scheduled for a session this afternoon, Alexis,” he said patting the bed and smiling kindly, then he walked out of the room.
I really didn’t know if there was a point to therapy. I don’t think I can be fixed. I’ve always been like this. I’m twenty-five years old. Isn’t your personality supposed to be formed by age twenty five? I think to myself, remembering Ash quoting a psych book. That would mean I’ve been formed and I’m irreparably damaged.
Moments later, Ash walked in. I cringed hating that she had to see me here. “Thank goodness you’re here Ashley,” Mom said with an exasperated tone while waving her cell phone in the air. Ashley looked at her with her eyebrows drawn together. “Tell your sister to start talking so we can get her out of here, you don’t want people finding out that she’s in a psych ward. As it is, I had to tell Daniel a story of how she got injured,” Mom rolled her eyes.
“You’re embarrassed Mom? That’s what this is about?” Ash squinted her dark blue eyes, her voice was high pitched as if she was surprised by Mom’s comment or maybe more like disgusted. Mom huffed at her like she was being ridiculous.
“Can you care about someone else for one second and stop worrying about what other people think?” Ash snapped, surprising me with a bout of bravery. Ash had never stood up to her before, maybe everyone around me needed some healing, not only myself. Ash never had to defend herself, I was always in front of her, the human shield. Only now I was weak and broken and my little sister had to step up to the plate. I wish I could tell her that I was proud of her.
“Maybe you should leave Mom,” Ash said quietly. Mom’s eyes went wide, I was scared of her reaction.
“You’re asking me to leave?” she huffed out in shock. Her blue eyes round with surprise. Ash shrugged her shoulders and looked over to me, maybe for reassurance. I blinked my eyes hoping to let her know I had her back. “Ungrateful bitches,” Mom muttered under her breath and stomped out of the room. I thought to myself she was not even drunk right now and that term is still used. There’s something wrong with that I realized with her behavior in general. I was old enough now to know that Ash and I had done nothing wrong right now. Yes, I was hurting and felt shame, but I was here in the hospital and I finally realized in that moment that I should be here, after almost dying I need help getting my life back on track. Mom’s heels clicked loudly on the floor and the sound faded as she got further away. I was relieved when the sound was out of ear shot, but I still couldn’t speak. Instead I lie back down in bed.
“Come on Lex, please,” Ash begged. “Look at me. This wasn’t your fault. Luc sucked you in. You’ve had a hard life, but it’s not too late, you can be fixed,” she said it like it’s a prayer and I wanted to believe her, I wished her words to be true. “Lex I won’t go back to Montreal until I know you’ve started therapy,” she threatened playing hard ball. She clearly knew how to get to me. She knew I wanted her going back and focusing on school. I’ve always pushed her to do well in school. It was our ticket to independence and out of Mom’s house. My eyes widened at her statement and she had my attention. “Please, honey go to therapy,” she ran her fingers through my hair. When I didn’t respond she continued, “Okay, I’m only allowed a fifteen minute visit right now. I better be going. Anna wants to get in here too. It’s only family now but she sends her love. I’m staying with her. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she sighed as she left the room wiping a tear away from her eye.
I was sad to see her go, I was scared to be all alone in this place. A part of me scared that it was only a matter of time before Luc found me. The thought of seeing him terrified me. I lay in bed considering every wrong choice I ever made. The list grew longer as the minutes ticked by and my sense of dread grew deeper.
Chapter 5
My first Mistake
Dylan
I wanted to go up and check on Lex, but it’s only supposed to be family for now. I could probably flash the doctor badge to get in, but I didn’t know if I should violate her privacy. I’m her friend, not a doctor and not family, for now.
The problem was that my insides were all twisted. I needed to see her. I couldn’t settle down and it was hard to focus. I only wanted a few minutes to make sure she got settled in okay.
I pressed the button in the elevator for the eighth floor and took a deep breath hoping I could get through to her. Ash texted earlier that she was still not talking. I made my way to her room and peeked my head in. “Lex, can I come in?” I asked softly, not sure if she was asleep since her back was facing me. I waited a moment with no response entering the room cautiously and making my way to the other side of the bed. Her dark blue eyes were open and vacant looking like she was drowning in a pool of sadness. At the sight of her, my heart felt like it was being wrenched out of my chest, I couldn’t stand to see her so broken.
“You’re going to be okay, I’m not going anywhere, not anymore, I’m here for you,” I said quietly feeling my voice cracking with emotion. This last week had been so damn hard. Seeing her covered in blood brought in by ambulance ripped my world to pieces. I’ve only ever loved her, I’ve only ever wanted her. There had never been anyone else and knowing that I almost lost her was my wake-up call. I needed to prove that I was here to stay. That I wanted to make her mine. I didn’t know if she would accept me, not after everything I will need to confess, but I wasn’t backing down. I can never live without her and she was going to have to realize that she’s the air I breathe.
“Lex, I messed up, I made you promises¸” I began to mutter taking a seat on the chair beside her bed. I lifted her hand in mine, the contact comforting me, but she returned no emotion. Her lack of response worried me, how much could a person take before they go to a bad place and didn’t return. “I promised you that even if we broke up I would stay in touch. I should have been more persistent with you,” I shook my head chiding myself for my bad behavior. “I want to make it up to you and don’t tell me I’m too late because I’ll never give up,” I said choosing my words carefully. I couldn’t come straight out and tell her I loved her because she would get freaked out. So I tried to choose the closest words I could that would let her know she could depend on me always. I also knew that words were meaningless if they weren’t followed by actions.
“I know you’re upset right now, you’ve been through so much but it’s going to get better. I know that you feel like you’ve made a million bad choices and that you’re drowning, but there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I will be there waiting for you, don’t be scared of falling anymore because I will be here to catch you. I know my words don’t mean much now but I will stick around and prove myself. I know what it’s like to make a string of bad choices, you don’t know this yet but I live with the consequences of my bad choices every day.” As the last words leave my mouth her eyes glared up to mine and I knew I got her attention. She was listening to me, I cheered in my head, that had to mean something.
“Okay, I need to get going, but I’ll come back to check on you. I’ll keep coming,” I said giving her a peck on the forehead. Then I left the room.
I walked down the hallway with a burn sliding down my chest. When I was younger I thought I had life all figured out. I would go to med school and come back for Lex. She would be waiting for me with open arms. All the girls I fucked back at Harvard didn’t matter, it was all meaningless. That being the lesser of my transgression I hope Lexi will have it in her heart to accept my imperfections.
Chapter 6
Face the Music
Lexi
I felt stoned, like an airhead, I must be on some serious meds. I slept like a log but it isn’t normal. Needless to say, I didn’t go to the meeting with the doctor yesterday. Marlene came by the room in the afternoon ready to take me, but I politely declined by turning my head and she got the picture, she let me be.
&nb
sp; I’ve lost count of the number of days I’ve been in here and my mind is too clouded to make the calculations anyway. It must be a few days at least because I’ve watched the sunset set more than once and the sun rise in the mornings.
“Hey there doll,” Marlene walked into the room all chipper. It must be morning again. “How are you today?” she asked, maybe she feels like she has to. “I need to check your stitches,” she said putting on a pair of blue plastic gloves. I nodded giving her permission. “Well your body is healing well dear, just be patient, the rest will come,” she smiled kindly. “You have an appointment with Dr. Newman at eleven, he’s very good, I’ve seen him help lots of people,” she mentioned in a matter of fact way.
I nodded yes to the appointment.
I was scared. I had never not been able to speak before and all these days getting locked in my head seemed to be making matters worse, maybe I did need a doctor. Marlene extended her hand to me and I held it feeling weak, but trying slowly to pull myself up. When I was seated, an uncomfortable pressure from my stitches pulled at my abdomen reminding me of my hurt and that the baby was no longer there. The thoughts hurt more than the physical pain.
“That’s it, slowly dear,” she urged me forward into the wheelchair. Sitting upright was making me feel groggy and lightheaded.
“Good dear, you’re doing good,” she cheered, rolling the wheelchair down the bland white hallway, humming a song. She was the only breath of sunshine in this dreary place.
She parked my wheelchair in a waiting room and said she’ll be back later to take me back to my room. While waiting for the doctor I became fidgety, unable to keep my hands still, probably from not knowing what to expect. Two other patients were waiting in the waiting room along with me. One of them a girl, she looked like a teenager, appeared heavily sedated, staring out into space and breathing slowly. Then I realized I was heavily sedated too and probably had the same look. The other patient was a man, maybe in his forties. He kept looking up at the ceiling and mouthing all kinds of things I couldn’t understand.
Dr. Newman stepped out to the hall, I remembered him from his visit to my room days ago. He was tall with a medium frame and he was wearing a pink button down shirt and khaki pants. His smile was kind. He met Mom, was my first thought. I wondered what he thought of her over-the-top behavior.
“Ms. White let me help you to the room,” he said moving toward me to push my wheelchair, the truth was that my arms were too weak and my body in too much pain to do it myself. “This is my office right here,” he motioned, wheeling me in. He pulled a chair out into the hallway and made room for the wheelchair. Then he sat in a chair across from me.
The office wasn’t what I expected either, it was small with light grey walls. There was a small couch off to the side and a chair for the doctor to sit. There was a small desk on the opposite wall of the couch with a laptop sitting on it and a coffee table situated between the doctor and me. It was not overwhelming or threatening in anyway. The doctor sat quietly with a notepad on his lap holding a tea. He seemed laid back. I found the whole scenario to be unexpected. I pictured psychiatrists as middle aged men or women that wore glasses low on their nose. This guy didn’t fit the profile. He was young with light brown hair and kind honey brown colored eyes. He looked like he just graduated from med school.
I convinced myself that he looked professional. Dylan mentioned that he made the referral and he would ensure I was in good hands. Even with all the positive arguments I made, I still felt nervous. What’s the doctor going to think of me? Just by looking at me, I’m a beaten down wreck.
“Ms. White, tell me a little about yourself,” he began with a very soft spoken tone. He looked like a good listener but this wasn’t easy. I don’t know what to say, I have an idea what he wants to hear, I don’t know if I could get the words out. I tried but I couldn’t speak.
“I understand it’s very hard for you to speak, you’ve been through a lot. This may be the result of post-traumatic stress disorder,” he explained. Suddenly I was reminded of Luc and the day I took him to Canada’s Wonderland. He freaked out from the roller coaster and said that he suffered from PTSD because his father locked him up and he was claustrophobic. The words hit me hard. The attack and losing the baby were a hard hit for me. I had overcome so much in my life but this was too much. “I know you’ve been through a rough time, you need to know that you are able to speak, the mutism you're experiencing is most likely temporary and your recovery is dependent on you. You have control over your speech, an MRI was done and there was no damage to your brain from the concussion you experienced. This is important for you to know since you will play a large part in your recovery,” he continued to explain. Something about his words hit home. I have control he said, but it doesn’t feel like it right now.
He somehow knew a little about me. I let out a yawn. I wanted to sleep. Sleep sounded good and easy. “You’re tired Alexis, I understand you’ve been through a lot,” he paused looking down at my file. “You’ve been in our ward five days…okay, let’s try some small sounds. Your vocal cords haven’t been used in these past five days it’s a good way to warm them up,” he suggested. Then he started to hum. The truth was that I wanted to burst out laughing but that seemed inappropriate and my voice was lost anyway. “Your mom mentioned wanting to take you out of here in a week you have two days left and if we don’t consider you a risk to yourself or someone else, I will have to sign those release papers. The thing is, my gut tells me you have a lot to say, don’t you?” he asked, lifting a brow in challenge.
Shit! That’s right, Mom wanted to take me back home with her. I would go crazy for sure if I found myself back in that house. I cough a bit and the doctor tilts his head slightly urging me. I cough some more, my throat feeling dry, “O..k..a..y..” I mutter but its barely audible. Dr. Newman grins and writes something on his notepad.
“What upsets you the most right now?”
Really? I need to answer that?
“You probably feel overwhelmed by a lot of emotions, my guess is you’ve had a difficult childhood too. How about you write your thoughts on a piece of paper for me tonight and give it to me tomorrow, we can take it from there. Sometimes it’s easier for people to express their feelings through words.”
I nodded. He passed me a notebook and pen and I nodded again.
“I look forward to seeing your thoughts tomorrow, don’t feel pressured about this, just be honest and let it flow. A lot of my patients enjoy writing,” he smiled and rose from his seat to help wheel me out of his office. I exhaled a long breathe as he wheeled me back into the main waiting room. That wasn’t as bad as I thought.
Chapter 7
And Life Comes Tumbling Down
Dylan
After a long night shift I feel drained. I make my way up to Lexi’s room. As I approach her door it’s closed and I can hear the voice of a male with a French accent. That mother fucker can’t be here, he wouldn’t have the nerve to show up here after what he’s done. My blood begins to boil and I feel like my face may explode from the anger pumping through me. I whip the door open and it’s him hovering over her bed. His eyes look red, and his shoulders are slumped over, I’m guessing he didn’t try to hurt her. I stomp my way over to the other side of Lexi’s bed. I want to charge for him, but I need to know she’s okay first before I kick the shit out of this motherfucker.
“Lex, baby are you okay?” I asked leaning over her bed and placing both of my hands on her cheeks. I know she can’t talk yet, but I need to know that he hasn’t hurt her again. Her blue eyes are wide and she’s trembling. I push myself between him and her. “Lex did he hurt you again, are you okay?” I asked feeling like my heart was splitting looking into her fearful blue eyes.
She nodded reassuring me. “I will be right here Lex, I need to get rid of him though,” I said quietly explaining to her because she looked so withdrawn and panicked.
I turned my head around and the French prick was standing behind me with
a smug look on his face and his arms crossed over his chest inflating himself more than he was. “You mother fucker you did this to her, you sick fuck.” Before I can even think I’m pounding my fist into his face, one punch, two, three. The fucker lifts his arms blocking me and throws in a punch so I block him too. The punching had no effect so I moved my head across his stomach and pushed him down to the floor, then I threw a fist again and it landed smack across his eye drawing blood. He grabbed my hair pulling my head back “You fucking pussy,” I spit out. “What kind of man beats a woman?” I lifted off of him. His thick brows drawing together like he didn’t know what I was talking about. “This mother fucker is for Lexi,” I said kicking him as hard as I could in the stomach. I felt wild and fearless and so very angry, he took something from me that I could never get back. He folded over from my kicks, but I couldn’t stop. I became enraged by the thought of him killing my baby and hurting Lexi and I threw another kick and another. The fucker was down and I still wanted to rip him apart. I was aware that I lost control, I forgot about my surroundings I only wanted to hurt him. The feeling was foreign, I had never been a fighter. A second later hospital security walked in pulling me off of him and holding me back. My breathes came out in ragged huffs as my body came down from it’s rage and I was thrown back to reality.
Holy shit I fucked up, was the only thing I could think. I was a resident of this hospital and I assaulted a visitor. No matter what he had done, this didn’t look good.
“Dr. Priestley?” the tall dark security guard said, looking at my badge. “You’re a doctor, man?” he muttered shaking his head at me. "We are going to have to call the cops,” he said holding me back. My blood was boiling beneath my skin, I wanted to finish Luc off, and the thought scared me. My second thought was that I majorly fucked up my position at the hospital. I look over to Lexi’s bed and she was in a ball of tears. I shouldn’t have lost it like that in front of her, not after everything she’s been through.
Twisted Love Page 4
