“Here go into the tent and change your clothes,” Dylan demands.
“Aye aye captain,” I reply, noticing his jaw clenched.
“This isn’t funny,” he says. I grab my bag and go into the tent to change my clothes and put a towel on my hair. When I’m dressed, I walk over to the camp fire, it’s enticingly warm. I start chatting with Samantha and crack open a beer. She seems a little irritated with me but I’m not sure why.
“Is everything okay Sam?” I ask.
“Yeah, I guess, I just don’t understand Dylan. We were together having fun, he sees you kissing Rob in the water and goes ape shit then runs into the water after you,” she complains.
“Sorry babe, you know that we’re just good friends though?” I reply. Sam gives me a knowing nod but doesn’t seem convinced. Dylan walks out of the tent in his fresh clean clothes and his wet hair slicked back.
“Looks like all four of us need to bunk up in this tent tonight, because the other tent still sounds occupied,” he says.
Robs yells, “Oh yeah, I’m beside Alexis,” and winks.
“No you’re not man,” Dylan answers.
Sam glares at Dylan shooting him daggers and Rob doesn’t get what his problem is. We all pile in the tent and considering Dylan’s with Samantha I assume he would lie beside her but he puts me in front of him and her on the other side and Rob off to the end. When we all fall asleep I feel him snuggle into me. I hear him whisper faintly in my ear, “You smell so good.” I think he was talking in his sleep.
My eyes open and although it’s still dark outside I’m thankful that I didn’t dream of Luc. A dream about better times makes me feel better. Although my reality is fragmented, I have to start thinking clearly. I close my eyes again and allow my head to fall gently into the pillow. Feeling relaxed I drift off back to sleep.
Chapter 17
The Truth Will Set You Free
Dylan
I was kind of hoping that Lex and I would have our chance to talk tonight and finally hash out the ugly details that have been holding us apart. I get that she has to catch up on school work. My own academic career is in so much danger that the thought of losing what I’ve worked so hard for scares the shit out of me. A part of me feels like this is my punishment for my sins, for committing the mistakes I’ve made, maybe this is my payback. To lose my life’s dream. At least I am still alive, I think trying to look on the bright side. Sitting in my condo all day when I should be at the hospital putting in hours drives me mad.
My cell phone rings and Matt’s name pops up on the screen. Matt was my best friend from elementary school right through high school. We had a short glitch in our friendship when he started dating Lexi in grade 10. He wanted to sleep with her and decided that throwing her a sweet sixteen party was a sure way of getting in her pants. That was until I intervened and told Lexi it would be a big mistake for her to give something that special to Matt. It was also the first night that I was willing to admit an overbearing jealousy toward Matt. Since I knew I had feelings for Lexi way before that night, I would never admit it to her.
Instead I always did a good job of hiding what I felt. Lexi and I were very close as friends that I was scared of messing things up with the complications of love. Matt was pissed at me for intervening and it took us about half a year to get back to our close knit friendship. We patched things up and the friendship remained strong even throughout my years at Harvard. Matt had gone to Chicago to work on his undergrad in the sciences but we still stayed in touch.
“Hey Matt,” I answered the phone with a solemn voice. I knew I should sound more excited, but the walls around me were crashing down.
“Hey buddy, I just heard about Lexi, why didn’t you call me? Word's been getting around the neighborhood and Mom called. How are you holding up?”
“It’s been rough,” I answered, not wanting to discuss the fury of emotions I’d been feeling. As close as a friend that Matt was, some things were personal to Lexi and me.
“I can imagine, I came home for reading week, do you want to meet for a beer?” Matt offered being the good friend he’d always been.
“I’m really not in the mood,” I replied, rubbing my temple. I felt like my head may explode from the pressure I was feeling right now.
“Come on, maybe you should get wasted and free yourself a bit. The last time I saw you, you ditched us at the club and left with Lexi,” he chuckled. The night I told Lexi about Luc’s criminal activity haunts me. Lexi and I made out in the car and then my conscience kicked in and I couldn’t take things further without fully knowing she was mine. I also had to reveal the truth about her prick of a boyfriend. After I told her that I overheard his phone conversation and that he mentioned being followed by CSIS, she got mad and didn’t believe a word I was saying. She caught me off guard and walked away, but I couldn’t help but wonder if deep down she had a feeling about him. Once again, I didn’t run after her because my all too familiar shame crept up on me, and I wondered if I would be good enough for her, and if she could handle my sins. I was internally beating myself when I heard Matt’s voice through the phone. “Dude are you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” I muttered back quietly, a prisoner to my thoughts.
“Are you up for beer? You sound like you need to talk.” He’s right I needed to talk, and he was the perfect person since he knew what I’d done.
“Okay, I’m downtown,” I replied, sounding a little more detached than I meant too.
“So am I. I’m graduating in the spring and I plan on moving back to town. I’ve had a few job offers here, friends of the family. I was scouting out some apartments for the spring, there’s no way I would move back home with my parents,” he snorted and laughed. Matt’s parents were very wealthy and connected. His father was a criminal lawyer and his mother a stay at home mom that was all fancy and high society. His parents enjoyed a vibrant social life of parties and connections but they weren’t really into their kids. Matt and his sister basically had each other and a nanny. The truth was that Matt was a well-grounded guy considering the way he grew up.
“Wow, lucky you, I still have another four years. That must feel liberating,” I said, still sounding resigned and feeling like shit, I may be out on my ass very soon.
“Well, doctor, what did you expect?” Matt asked with a gruff laugh. “Shit! Dylan you sound rough, I’ll meet you at that busy bar on Bloor that we went to last time. I’m just around the corner.”
“Sure man, I’m walking, it will take me an extra ten minutes to get there.”
“You’re walking? What happened to those slick wheels of yours?”
“It’s winter man, those cars aren’t the best in the snow. It’s parked in the garage. I just got in, I don’t feel like pulling it out again and this way I can drink,” I replied, referring to my Porsche 918 Spyder. It was silver and my dream sport car. The truth was, I’d been leaving the car in the underground parking garage and taking the bus or cabs. I didn’t want Lexi noticing it and wondering how I drive such a car. I will need to come clean soon I know, it falls under my larger problem of revealing my own set of demons and feeling anxious if Lexi will want me after she finds out the truth.
I briskly walk down University Avenue toward Bloor Street. It’s frigid outside, what was I thinking by not taking the damn car? A few minutes later I spot Matt sitting at the bar. I walk up to him and he gives me a fist bump.
“Hey man, take a seat,” he said, nodding to the bar stool beside him. There’s a hot bartender and she walked up to me with a bright smile shifting her long red hair over her shoulder. She was a pretty thing with large round honey brown eyes and a nice full chest.
“What can I get you?” she asked leaning forward on the bar exposing her cleavage.
My eyes flicked down to her chest. A few months ago I would have been in the same hopeless cycle of trying to bury myself in another hot fling for the night, but now that I have Lexi back in my life, I’m not interested at all.
&
nbsp; “Just a Stella please,” I answered curtly, shutting her down. Her thick lips turn down and she turned around to bring me my order.
“She’s fucking hot man, where are your skills tonight? Never mind I can figure it out on my own,” Matt nodded his head. The silence continued as my depressed state pulled me down even further. “Hey bud, did you meet me here not to talk or something?” Matt asked knocking me in the shoulder and pulling me out of my slump.
“No man, sorry. Things have been so fucked up, I can’t seem to stay focused for long without getting sucked in by one thought or another.”
“How’s she doing by the way?” Matt asked with sincerity in his tone. It took six months for him to stop whimpering around about Lexi dumping him, but it didn’t stop him from becoming her friend again either.
“She’s getting there,” I explained, not wanting to reveal the gritty details.
“I heard she was pregnant and that the baby died,” he said quietly as I took a swig of my beer. It went down the wrong pipe and I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.
I looked over to Matt wide-eyed. “Where the fuck did you hear that?”
“Sorry man, I don’t know. My mom heard, maybe from Rose, I’m not sure,” Matt gazed at me with a sympathetic look on his face. Then his eyes went wide. “Shit, man I’m so sorry, was the baby yours?”
My head fell onto my hands. This couldn’t fucking be happening. I didn’t need people knowing about my personal stuff. If I hated Rose White before, I hate her even more now.
“Dylan, I’m sorry man that’s rough, if there’s anything I can do let me know,” Matt said quietly and I could tell he felt bad. His mom was a big gossip who cared only about what other's thought, it bothered the shit out of Matt. I’m sure he wasn’t pleased with her right now.
“Don’t worry man,” I said picking up my beer and gulping it down. I wanted to numb myself with alcohol right now.
The pretty bartender came by and I ordered another beer. Wallowing in my own self-pity right now was the perfect plan.
“I swear there’s a reason I keep conversations with my mom to a minimum, I hate all the shit she talks about people.”
“No worries man, I get it,” I said, trying to reassure him while chugging down my next beer. I needed something stronger, so when the pretty red head came around again I ordered a double shot of whiskey.
“Dylan, what the hell happened to your hand, did you walk into a wall?” Matt laughed. Great another thing I would rather not discuss or explain. “Or was it someone’s face?” he said, nodding his head with a slight smile. “You’re not a fighter, this definitely has to do with Lexi doesn’t it?” he continued to ask since I was not providing answers. “That girl was always able to get you in a real tailspin,” he continued, then he took a long gulp of beer.
“That’s for sure,” I murmured.
“Are you sure this is the time to get plastered?” Matt asked with a crinkle on his forehead. He was grown up now and a lot more serious than he was in high school, but he still knew how to have a good time and he was nowhere close to being ready to settle down. He swore he never would. His parents had a shitty marriage and stayed together for financial reasons and they were both neglectful parents. His childhood was definitely not happy.
“I need this right now Matt. I let her down too many times and I know I need to man up and put the pieces back together, but for now I just need to let go. I’ve had some heavy shit put on me the last couple of weeks and I haven’t had the chance to let it all sink in, this is my way of letting it sink in.”
“Okay, bottoms up,” Matt said clinking his beer with my shot glass. I took the shot down quickly and ordered another. Each time I ordered I noticed the red head shifting a little closer and dangling that full chest of hers in my face. The truth was I should totally have been turned on, but it was doing nothing for me. The only girl I cared about was back in her apartment in a million pieces.
A few double shots in, and I could tell my words were slurred and it’s became increasingly difficult to sit straight on the bar stool.
“What’s eating away at you Dylan?” Matt turned his head, his tone was serious.
“I need to tell her the truth, she needs to know why I didn’t come back for her all this time,” I mumbled feeling the numbing effect of all the alcohol I’d consumed.
“And what is the reason?” Matt asked with a blank face. I don’t know why he looked so blank he knew about my arrest back at Harvard. He knew about the investigation and the bad shit that Brad and I got tangled up in.
“Come on, Matt, you know why I stayed away.”
“I didn’t realize that you purposely stayed away I thought that you chose Doctor Without Borders because it was a good career choice,” he answered with confusion in his tone.
“It was a good career choice, but….”
“Spit it out Dylan,” he urged.
“You know about the shit that happened back at Harvard, what Brad and I did. Stop acting like it means nothing when it means everything,” my voice was a little louder than I expected and I was far more gone than I realized.
“You are still hanging onto that?” he questioned, then pauses. “Of course you are, perfect Dylan made a mistake and he can’t come to terms with it. It was a mistake and honestly no one blames you, you clearly weren’t charged so why are you holding on to it?”
“It’s easy for you to say, with all the fucking up you do, that has never happened to you,” my words came out a little harsher than I expected. It was probably time to call it a night. My intention was not to attack Matt or his ways. Matt threw his hands up in the air.
“You’re right. Can I give you a ride home?” he offered. “Besides you’ll probably get lost in the state you’re in and I think it’s going to be me or that pretty bartender. Although if you don’t want her maybe I’ll have my way with her,” he laughed a throaty laugh. I felt guilty for snapping at him, and being the good friend that he was, he overlooked it.
“Go for it man, she’s all yours, I’m not interested,” I muttered throwing an arm over his shoulder. I was usually not such a sloppy drunk, but tonight I was aiming to feel numb quickly and it definitely worked.
“Come on man, let’s see your apartment,” Matt said throwing some money on the bar and guiding me out to his car. His car was parked on the street right outside.
“Nice car,” I slurred looking at his shiny new black Audi.
“Thanks, my parents got it as an early graduation present, it’s a nice drive but I’m sure it’s nothing compared to your car.”
“Seriously man, the car is fucking worthless, my money is fucking worthless. I only want her,” I slurred some more. Pathetic.
“Okay, just don’t puke on my seats,” he said looking over to me with a worried expression.
***
I woke up with a pounding headache and thinking of Lexi. I had to go see her so I left a sleeping Matt on the couch and went to her apartment. It was early morning and I wasn’t sure if she was awake. I knocked on Lexi’s door hoping it would be her that would open for me. It was bitter cold outside and snow was falling in large flakes from the sky. I waited shifting my legs back and forth to keep myself warm. I knew she had work to do, but I needed a strong dose of her right now. My life was falling apart because of Blanchard, deep down I knew he wasn’t the sole blame for this mess. Lexi opened the door in a pair of pink flannel pajamas, her golden locks were muffled and her dark blue eyes were sleepy.
“Hey,” I said flashing her a smile. Seeing her brightened my mood.
“Come in,” she said motioning me with her hand. I walked in and she closed the door holding her hands around her waist and shivering. I walked over to the couch and out of the corner of my eye I watched as she stretched her arms out over her head. I swiveled my head around in time to see her belly button peeking under her shirt. She was so damn cute.
“Coffee?” she asked making her way to the kitchen.
“Yeah that’s pe
rfect.”
I gazed at her from across the room as she made the coffee and stirred the milk. I would be a very happy man if I could watch her for the rest of my life.
She placed the two coffees on the breakfast bar.
“Give me a minute to freshen up,” she said as her cheeks turned a rosy color. Then she walked off barefoot towards the bathroom. I didn’t want her to leave or change out of those PJ’s for that matter. She wasn’t wearing a bra, and her perky nipples were exposed through the light pink shirt. Her muffled hair made my dick hard thinking of all the ways I could drive her even wilder and mess it up some more. I needed inside her badly, my resolve was withering away.
I walked over to the breakfast bar and adjusted my hard-on before I took a seat on a stool. I was drinking my coffee when she walked back in the room. Her hair was tied up and I was glad to see she hadn’t changed those PJ’s. I tried not to be obvious when my eyes roamed her perky breasts, but I could tell she noticed my little glance by the way she was hunching her shoulders and crossing her arms over her chest. I was boggled that she could still be shy around me after everything we had done together, but her modesty was sexy as hell.
“So have you caught up on the work you’ve missed?”
“Almost, I have a lot of reading to do and one more paper to prepare,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee. I could tell by her cautious demeanor that she was keeping herself guarded and I hoped she would let this wall she had built where I was concerned break down. If she didn’t, I planned on chipping away at it brick by brick, that was as long as we got our secrets out of the way.
“How are you doing with everything?” I asked.
“I guess you could say it’s been tough, when you realize that you’ve been living a lie and holding the truth deep down, it’s hard to admit,” she explained hesitantly, letting her words resonate. I’ve been feeling unworthy of her and I knew I had to come clean soon. I kept replaying our last conversation in my head when she told me about her hooking up days and that there were many men that had experienced her perfect body. The thought made me cringe. I always wanted her for myself, but I was a douche and I wasn’t here for her. I also know that none of those hook-ups defined who she was or what she wanted, she would still be mine, she would still be my angel.
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