“Dylan, please take a look, I think we can hit it big with this one, I need to do this Dylan. I need to show my family that I’m not a fuck-up, that I can succeed on my own. Edward said he would go in with us too.” At Edward’s name he had my attention. Edward was a fourth year business major and as square as they came, he would never gamble.
“Let me take a look,” I said taking the paper out of Brad’s hand.
After glancing at it for a moment Brad said, “So what do you think?”
“Okay let’s do this, I will transfer what I have over to you, but honestly it may be about twenty grand.”
“That’s perfect Dylan,” Brad smacked me on the back.
The next day we bought 60,000 shares of Cranston stock. Two years later the technology company had soared through the roof becoming the largest supplier of cell phones worldwide. Brad was right on Cranston. He also graduated with his MBA while I still had two years of medical school to complete. He found property in Toronto and we bought it. He wanted to stay away from New York. His family owned half the properties there and it was painful for him.
His uncle had turned his back on him, he never tried to contact him, even though we were in the legal clear and Santana’s death was deemed accidental overdose. We bought a property and although I invested, I didn’t have time to see the project through. Brad and Edward moved to Toronto and began what would be the development of a large condominium complex. I kept on insisting to Brad that I shouldn’t be an equal partner because I had no time to devote to the project but he insisted I was family and so my name was on all titles.
I finally touched down in Pearson Airport in October of 2013. I had to be there for the ribbon ceremony. We were cutting the ribbon and the building was finished. All 300 units were sold and the three of us each kept two units. It had been my first time home in seven years, seven long years that I alienated myself, seven long years that I allowed shame and a mistake to dictate my life. My father and I finally had a heart to heart and he apologized to me, he actually cried and said that he should have never reacted the way he did. He should have had faith that I didn’t hurt the girl, he repeated more than once that he didn’t think I was to blame.
It was also hard to look at my two little sisters, both strong brilliant women in their own right. Riley called me on the phone many times over the years begging me to come home for Christmas, but I never could. Not when I knew how my father felt about me. That day I came home and he admitted he was wrong, it felt good, but they were only words and I felt like I had let him down. Even after he admitted that he also tried drugs in university, that it was sometimes a normal part of self-discovery. It also didn’t help because no one he was with ever died.
My mother and father were both proud of me and so were my sisters when I came home a self-proclaimed millionaire at age twenty-four. The problem was that none of it mattered. I only wanted one thing and I felt unworthy of her. When I saw her Thanksgiving, the beautiful woman she had become, my heart swelled in my chest and as much as I felt shame, the love I felt for her was stronger. I had to have her. I will always need to have her. I just hoped that she would find me worthy of her love.
Chapter 24
Carrying the Weight of the World
Lexi
When Dylan walked away I could see the worry on his face. I didn’t want to cause him pain, but I felt like I had to speak to Luc alone. I was going to tell him to bring Anna back to me and to drop the charges against Dylan. I also needed him to understand that we were over. I owed him this conversation in privacy, even though a part of me knew that I shouldn’t owe him anything at all.
“It’s raining, maybe we should find a place indoors,” Luc suggested.
I nodded. “There’s a library just down that path,” I tilted my head toward the Bora Laskin Law Library.
“Let me hold your bag,” Luc said, extending his hand. I passed him the bag but continued to hold the binder. I was nervous being here alone with him, images of the night of the attack flicking into my mind, his wild eyes, his sheer strength…I tried to push the thoughts aside and keep my mind focused on the goal ahead of me, it did nothing to quell my insides, everything was turning upside down inside me. I wondered if he sensed my fear or if he even cared.
As we walked toward cover from the rain, two joggers flew past Luc and he knocked forward into me, the binder fell to the ground. The rings snapped open and the papers began to flail in the wind landing on the wet ground.
The feeling of him knocking into me, caused that unwanted feeling of dread to re-surface and my mind flashed back to that dreadful night. To a violent monster who was out of control.
“Alexis, here let me help you,” he dropped down to pick up the papers, but I couldn’t move. Fear had me locked in place. I was trying to reason that he was on drugs that night and that he wasn’t drunk now, that I was safe in school, but rationalizing didn’t help the torrent of bad thoughts rushing through my head. I began to sweat profusely, not able to move, a wave of nausea came over me and I felt dizzy. I saw Luc working quickly to pick up the papers, some of them were wet. He picked up the papers and began to straighten them out rubbing the dirt off them. Then he placed them back in the binder and passed it to me.
“Here, I hope it’s in the right order," he said extending his hand. I glared into his eyes and tried to will myself to breathe slowly. I wanted to lift my hands to move, but nothing happened. “Alexis, can you hear me?” he asked holding the papers up to me. He looked worried. I knew if I spoke I would either break down and cry or be sick to my stomach. “Alexis?” he whispered softly moving his face closer to me and rubbing my shoulder. “I’ve scared you,” he said, it’s not a question but a statement.
He flinched back and pulled away, his hands lifting in the air like he was surrendering or showing me that he had no intention of touching me. That dreadful night on constant re-play in my mind, the vision of the hard relentless kicks to my stomach and I was lost. Lost in my pain.
“Alexis, are you okay?” he asked again, quietly leaning forward.
“Luc, I need Anna, please bring Anna back to me,” I begged with a fearful tone. I couldn’t think of life without Anna.
“Alexis, don’t you think I’ve tried? I called my father. I spoke to him, I practically begged him to free her….”
“And?”
“He won’t, she is their leverage, he promised me he would not hurt her, he wants you to complete the task tomorrow and he will free her…my father, when he says something it stands,” he said but his eyes looked distant and withdrawn.
He stood for a moment quietly assessing me. I wanted to know what he was thinking.
“You haven’t been staying at your apartment. I was worried,” his statement snapped me out of my haze.
“You know I can’t stay there, your family has threatened me too,” I snapped back at him hugging the binder even closer to my chest.
“I know, I’m sorry, don’t you think I feel terrible about all this? That is why I lied to you, that is why I kept my life a secret…” he said raking his fingers through his hair, at closer glance he looked more disheveled than usual.
“There was no excuse for what you’ve done,” I bit out, feeling brave. The last time I felt brave around Luc I was put in my place, bleeding to death on the way to a hospital.
“Look Alexis, I just wanted to make sure you were okay…” he paused.
“What about Dylan, why are you pressing charges? I don’t know you to be such a vindictive person, you said you didn’t want to be like your father but pressing charges against Dylan is ruining his life.” My words were strong and I was taken aback. Luc winced. His brows contorted.
“I want you Alexis, please forgive me. You know I am not a bad man. You are right, I will drop the charges, but please come back to me. I want a chance at a life with you and our baby. I want to make things right…please, please give me a chance…” he pleaded and that’s when I realized it. He really didn’t remember anything fr
om that night or else he would have remembered me telling him that the baby wasn’t his. My face turned pained and Luc stared at me with confusion.
I noticed the horror building up in his demeanor from my lack of response or maybe the pained look on my face. He took a hand and swiped roughly at his lips. His eyes were turning red. I felt lost between the need to console him and dealing with my own sorrow over the loss of the baby.
“Luc please, don’t make me say it, it hurts too much.” My words were enough to inform him of the reality. He fell to the wet ground in front of me weeping. He was actually crying. People were passing by turning their heads and staring at us, I couldn’t blame them, this was quite a show.
“Luc please get up,” I insisted, leaning forward and extending my hand, but it was like he couldn’t hear me. He had been launched back into a world of his own pain. The whole situation had been so painful, him fearing becoming his father and now knowing that he took the baby from me. My heart ached for him even more. The poor lost boy who so desperately wanted a family, wanted to be normal, but was met at every corner with the pain and despair associated with having a cruel mean bastard for a father. “You need to get up, Luc.” I placed a hand on his shoulder, he looked up to me with lost green eyes, the vibrant gold flecks in them were dimmed and my heart broke, despite the damage he’s caused, his torment was clear.
“I tried to warn you, I wanted to shield you, I tried to push you away, but I wanted you more than I was willing to let you go, it makes me a selfish bastard,” he said slowly standing up and swiping at his eyes. At this point my own tears were in free fall. Thinking back to his unraveling it was so clear, he was torn between doing the right thing and losing me. I realize in this moment that he really loves me.
He brushed a thumb along my chin and I didn’t cringe. Maybe this was the closure I needed. To know I don’t have to fear him, to know that he will be living with the blood of my baby on his hands. Watching his torment, I know it’s real. It was probably something he would carry with him forever.
“You will never love me like you love him,” he said with a raspy voice. I didn’t respond. “It’s okay, you should be with him. He’s a lucky man to have captured your heart. He will give you everything you deserve,” he said with a small smile allowing his thumb to brush along my cheek again. “I will drop the charges, you can tell him not to worry. I hope the trial will be over and I will leave and you will be happy, you will live a happy free life.”
“Luc,” I breathed out. This shouldn’t be so difficult, my goodbye to him was supposed to be easier, but suddenly my chest was filled with love for this man in front of me, love that may always have been there, but was scared to be freed.
“I will see you in court tomorrow,” I said softly.
“Okay,” he nodded. “You need to watch your back Alexis, I have angered my father. I have told him that I will leave the family business. This was a big disgrace for him, as his eldest son he wanted me to follow him and I reneged everything he stands for. The truth is, it is better for you to be with him, if we are not together my father will think you are no longer a source of leverage,” he explained.
“Is there a chance they will still come after me? I need to know, I need to know what I’m dealing with,” I asked desperately looking into his eyes. I’ve been through so much and fought so much but the mob, I’m too weak to face them.
“I won’t lie to you, it’s a possibility. I have hired someone not connected to the family to monitor their moves, but they can be discreet,” he warned looking pained.
My own heart was breaking, and I felt the need to apologize, but my words were lost upon me, a moment later I blurt out, “I’m sorry Luc, I warned you from the start,” I said between sobs referring to the fact that I told him I wasn’t capable of love. I realized now how unfair I was to him. I didn’t want to hurt him, but he never really understood my reasons for keeping my heart locked away.
“I know, but I’ve never lost before, I thought I could win you over,” he admitted with a sad grin.
“A part of me was won over, you don’t know what it means to me that you were willing to accept me with all my faults,” my lips tugged up at both corners as the tears streamed down my cheeks. His face brightened a bit. Luc touched a part of my heart that was never touched before.
“Thank you,” he breathed out. I want to breathe. I want to be okay. I didn’t want to feel like he just took a piece of my heart, but he did. Did this mean I was not being loyal to Dylan? I didn’t know. I did know that I wanted to run home to his embracing arms. The fact that I was referring to Dylan as home made me feel reassured that I was not cheating on him in some way, it was only him that would have my complete heart.
“Let me get you back to Dylan safely,” he said extending his arm for me to hold onto. I suddenly realized that we were both soaked from the rainfall and I began to shiver. We strolled silently, the rain had finally subsided. There really wasn’t much left to say. My chest felt thick with sadness as I entered Luc’s fancy red Lamborghini and he drove me back to Dylan’s knowing exactly where he lived.
Luc stopped the car and stared solemnly into my eyes, his anguish crystal clear. The silence permeated, leaving the air in the car heavy. Then his lips slightly opened and with a guilty look he said, “So I will see you in court tomorrow.”
“Is there anything you can do? I mean, to bring Anna back to me, or at least let me know she’s okay?” I asked feeling hopeful.
“Sorry, I really do wish I could help,” he smiled sadly.
“I know,” I said stepping out of the car. “Bye Luc,” I said closing the door and walking into the lobby of Dylan’s very fancy condominium building.
As I walked up to the door the doorman opened it for me and followed me inside. “You must be Ms. White,” he said extending his hand for me to enter. He looked like he was at least in his seventies and had a kind smile.
“Yes, that’s me.”
“Dylan, said you would be staying with him, let me ring him for you,” he said turning around and walking behind a very elaborate granite counter. Behind the counter were numerous televisions and buttons. I understood what Dylan meant by this building being hi-tech. A moment later the elevator door dinged behind me and Dylan stepped out of the elevator, looking pale and worried.
“I’m really glad you're back,” he pulled me into a strong hug throwing me off a bit.
My eyebrows scrunched and I pulled my head back to assess his mood. “I told you I would be back.”
“I know but….” his voice trailed off. “Come on let’s go upstairs, you look tired and uh…wet.”
“The conversation with Luc kind of happened out in the rain.”
“Maybe you should take a shower and change your clothes, I need you healthy,” he grinned but the smile seemed forced. The elevator reached the penthouse floor and I followed him out of the elevator toward his front door.
He unlocked the door, and I could tell something was off with him, he was fidgeting and nervous. I wondered if it was because I trusted Luc enough to stay behind and talk to him. Was Dylan jealous? Putting myself in his position I realized that I would probably be boiling with jealousy, but I could also never fathom Dylan calling someone his wife other than me. Now thinking of our roles reversed, I began to understand his torment more than ever.
“Yeah, I’ll go take a shower, uh… is there another bedroom here? I could use your spare bedroom,” I mumbled.
“Nah, go ahead use my bathroom,” he waved sitting back onto the couch. He looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I walked off to take a shower.
Chapter 25
And the Truth Will Set You Free
Dylan
As Lexi walked off toward my room, my mind was in overload wondering what happened between her and Luc and hoping that she would accept me after what I had to tell her. The minutes went by slowly as I sat and listened to the sound of running water while picturing her naked and dripping wet
in my shower. I could barely keep myself still.
I got up to pace the apartment a few times, and then I went into the kitchen for a glass of water, my mouth seemed like paper with all the stress of reliving one of the worst nights in my life.
“Hey, Dyl,” she said from behind me and I jolted a bit.
“I didn’t hear you get out, how are you doing? You know, after your conversation with Luc,” I asked nervously, hoping that she wasn’t going to break my heart all over again and tell me that they were back together.
“He didn’t know I lost the baby, he took it hard,” she said as her eyes began to water. I could tell that she was trying to hold back tears. “Anyway, after I told him, he understood why we could never get back together….” her words drifted off and I wondered if there was more to the story than she was letting on.
“Do you love him?” I asked tilting my head downward and bracing myself for impact. With my eyes glued to the floor I couldn’t see her face or what she thought of my question. She was silent for a painstakingly long moment and my heart began to sink in my chest. When she didn’t reply I lifted my head again and our eyes met. Her expression looked pained.
“Dylan, I’m not in love with him, if that’s what you’re asking me. I don’t want to hurt you, I already know how much this whole situation has hurt you, my decision to marry Luc and everything that followed. I get it now. I don’t know what I would have done if I heard you took a wife,” she admitted surprising me. “I don’t want to lie to you either,” she paused. Oh no! Will she hit me with bad news now? “I do care about him Dylan, I went through a lot with him, and even though there was the bad, there was also a lot of good. He supported me and understood me because his childhood was similar to mine. He is in a lot of pain right now, and I didn’t think I could walk away from him. I think his family wants to disown him. He really doesn’t have anybody and I can’t just walk away from him….” At her last words my own eyes began to swell, and I tried to hold back on a torrent of tears threatening to appear. If I lost her I didn’t know what I would do with my life. I wanted to fall to my knees and beg her to choose me, to tell her how I’ve loved her since we were only fifteen and maybe even before that and I didn’t know what my feelings meant. I remember her as a beautiful child with golden hair and shining blue eyes, she may have grown up and the light that shined through her may have dimmed, but she was always mine, I always only thought of her.
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